Here’s Something I Don’t Understand

[KevinMao133]

Here’s something I don’t understand about NTs and people in general.. why don’t those people watch what they say

The thing that drives me crazy: people don‘t have respect for one another, as well as themselves

The question I often ask is: “do they not understand words matter?”

I believe in karma. What you say, how you act, matters

clearly some people don’t and it’s driving me crazy. I can’t get along with these fools

 

[1ofakind]

This is interesting since NTs probably say the same thing about people on the autism spectrum. In general, it seems like people on the spectrum are more conscientious about the accuracy of their words and without guile. Unfortunately, this authentic communication can be perceived by NTs as too direct and insensitive or hurtful. I've had so many times when my communication intentions were well-meaning, but came across wrong

 

[AspieChris]

Here’s something I don’t understand about NTs and people in general.. why don’t those people watch what they say

The thing that drives me crazy: people don‘t have respect for one another, as well as themselves

The question I often ask is: “do they not understand words matter?”

I believe in karma. What you say, how you act, matters

clearly some people don’t and it’s driving me crazy. I can’t get along with these fools

I avoid those kinds of idiots like the plague. They say something hurtful or ignorant and I’m expected to pretend it was insightful. When I point out that their words were wrong, everyone in the room picks on me as if it’s disrespectful to say such a thing. And if I speak with words they don’t like, I get blasted for it and everyone agrees.

I’m not even suggesting that it’s not fair (although it is unfair). But how does it make any sense at all?

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Here’s something I don’t understand about NTs and people in general.. why don’t those people watch what they say

The thing that drives me crazy: people don‘t have respect for one another, as well as themselves

The question I often ask is: “do they not understand words matter?”

I believe in karma. What you say, how you act, matters

clearly some people don’t and it’s driving me crazy. I can’t get along with these fools

There are entire courses on this topic offered to many corporations. I had to spend several hours of company time taking a course on this. An example: System 1 and System 2 Thinking - The Decision Lab Basically, it is called "system 1" and "system 2" thinking. More simply, "fast" and "slow" thinking. The process of not letting one's mouth get ahead of the brain. Taking that time to pause, take in perspective and context, then formulating a more thoughtful response. But, I think, more to your point, that system 1/fast thinking, those "quick-witted" or "knee-jerk" responses from people are also a window into a person's implicit biases. You really get a sense of someone's personal beliefs and truths. However, this also shows off things like their underlying anxieties, fears, tribalism, racism, etc. You get a real sense of someone.

Example: I deal with physicians all day at work. They "mask" all day. They have to. They MUST project leadership qualities. It's literally their job. Often this is a soft-spoken, system 2 type thinker, pausing, taking in all the information, and then projecting a calm, assertive persona. THEN, you interact with them in the break room, watching a football game with a group of people, at a friend's house party, whatever. They are not any different than anyone else with their fast-thinking, quick-witted, biased responses.

We are all at risk for system 1 thinking. It's a more relaxed form of communication. A LOT less brain power involved when you don't have to put the brakes on your mouth. However, as you pointed out, not everyone has a happy outlook on life, and it shows in their nasty comments.

 

[Vindiesel]

Depends on your capacity and the level of social reciprocity you have engaged in over the course of your life.

If you are a teenager your social skills are not to a level of adult acuity and or able to read others so there is a level of recklessness given and received or increased level of confusion on understanding the social slang/lingo that happens. Then you come to learn everyone is learning and feels awkward they just mask it better than you. It is a skill that needs to be crafted regardless of your social capacity or personality.

If your an adult and live a very shut-in lifestyle and only speak to first degree relatives, significant others and a few coworkers you have to deal with then the interactions you do have you will have a microscope on (and sometimes interpret what people say incorrectly or even fabricate an intention people didn't have about what they said) and not only anticipate the conversations you will have and a perceived response from the other and how words can build or destroy rapport with others. (not saying all asd people have shut in lifestyles but typically do have a very small group of confidants they keep in their life and keep their personal lives private) Most asd believe in quality of words with direct transparent intentions vs quantity with meandering non-value self-soothing adulation seeking nonsense that is heard all day long from others. Not that I cant dabble in that to build rapport to some degree but it feel superficial when I do this.

I believe growth for asd people is to understand all types of communication even if it doesn't coincide with your direct narrative or world view. To see the beauty in watching others be social and how the skill of emotional resonance is not in just words but in body language. Putting yourself out there and don't care about what others think of you and not mask. It can attract people that enjoy mysterious personalities or can deter the ignorant people. No mask can be an automatic distancing tool that keeps out the ignorant phonies.

 

[vergil96]

I can only speak for myself, but I say things that are insensitive, because it's hard to monitor everything you say, it's draining. And I can write technical reports easily, but good sounding essay type of communication isn't my good side. I would need to not talk at all to avoid accidentally saying something in a not sensitive enough manner.

 

[AspieChris]

I can only speak for myself, but I say things that are insensitive, because it's hard to monitor everything you say, it's draining. And I can write technical reports easily, but good sounding essay type of communication isn't my good side. I would need to not talk at all to avoid accidentally saying something in a not sensitive enough manner.

I prefer texting over voice calls for the same reason. It’s easier for me to use the right words when there’s an opportunity to snatch the wrong ones back before anyone gets to hear them

 

[bajariitz37]

They say something hurtful or ignorant and I’m expected to pretend it was insightful. When I point out that their words were wrong, everyone in the room picks on me as if it’s disrespectful to say such a thing. And if I speak with words they don’t like, I get blasted for it and everyone agrees.

I used to struggle so much with this as a kid that I thought it would drive me insane, this was before I knew anything about NT or autistic dynamics in social situations. It literally feels like that if you break a social rule by accident (even though your social communication is sincere), then you are somehow open prey to be attacked verbally and insulted and that is fine.

 

[AspieChris]

I used to struggle so much with this as a kid that I thought it would drive me insane, this was before I knew anything about NT or autistic dynamics in social situations. It literally feels like that if you break a social rule by accident (even though your social communication is sincere), then you are somehow open prey to be attacked verbally and insulted and that is fine.

I still have this problem at 50 years old:

When a person who I know to be an honest and responsible/respectful person does or says something hurtful, my first thought is that they didn’t mean to do anything ’bad’. I might just dismiss it as a mistake and get on with my day, or simply ask them what they meant without getting angry or assuming they meant to lie or steal or anything negative.

BUT when I do something wrong, and it’s a person who has known me for many years to be kind/honest/respectful etc. (particularly someone who knows I’m Autistic and not prone to lying), I often get attacked. I’ll get accused of intentionally committing a crime and blasted for being a horrible person. It’s not a daily occurrence but it happens way too often.

If they know me to be honest, why am I called a ‘liar’? If they know me to be fair, why am I called a ‘cheater’? How could they assume I stole something and tried to hide it when I’ve NEVER stolen anything in my life, and they know it?

It makes no sense to me and it drives me insane! I can see how it might appear that I did something ’bad’, but don’t I deserve at least some benefit of the doubt? I have tried to defend myself by calmly explaining that they should know I would never do something like that but usually their mind has been made up before it ever gets to me and suddenly I feel like I’m on trial for my life.

It totally sucks….

 

[1ofakind]

I still have this problem at 50 years old:

When a person who I know to be an honest and responsible/respectful person does or says something hurtful, my first thought is that they didn’t mean to do anything ’bad’. I might just dismiss it as a mistake and get on with my day, or simply ask them what they meant without getting angry or assuming they meant to lie or steal or anything negative.

BUT when I do something wrong, and it’s a person who has known me for many years to be kind/honest/respectful etc. (particularly someone who knows I’m Autistic and not prone to lying), I often get attacked. I’ll get accused of intentionally committing a crime and blasted for being a horrible person. It’s not a daily occurrence but it happens way too often.

If they know me to be honest, why am I called a ‘liar’? If they know me to be fair, why am I called a ‘cheater’? How could they assume I stole something and tried to hide it when I’ve NEVER stolen anything in my life, and they know it?

It makes no sense to me and it drives me insane! I can see how it might appear that I did something ’bad’, but don’t I deserve at least some benefit of the doubt? I have tried to defend myself by calmly explaining that they should know I would never do something like that but usually their mind has been made up before it ever gets to me and suddenly I feel like I’m on trial for my life.

It totally sucks….

Wow, I really relate to this!

 

[Shevek]

Here’s something I don’t understand about NTs and people in general.. why don’t those people watch what they say

The thing that drives me crazy: people don‘t have respect for one another, as well as themselves

The question I often ask is: “do they not understand words matter?”

I believe in karma. What you say, how you act, matters

clearly some people don’t and it’s driving me crazy. I can’t get along with these fools

People do choose their words carefully. There are subliminal channels carrying status signals.