AGXStarseed
Well-Known Member
(Not written by me)
(Lauren Swick Jordan)
As a parent of two teenage boys, ages 17 and 16, I am faced with the daily challenge of how to raise thoughtful, kind, respectful children who treat people well and do not think they are the center of the universe. These are the days of Facebook and Snapchat, of Twitter and the comments section. Online, people freely share their thoughts and opinions — sometimes with kindness and thoughtfulness, sometimes with aggression and name-calling. These behaviors are seeping into everyday life.
How does one address these issues with kids? The lessons are particularly challenging these days because of the many ways people communicate. In our house those conversations are further complicated by the fact our older son T.J. has autism. He is verbal and attends our local public high school with moderate supports to help him succeed both academically and socially. It has largely been a positive experience, but our life is not without struggles, particularly as we plan for T.J.’s life after high school. We are looking at a local program to foster independent living, which is both terrifying and exciting.
My husband and I frequently ask ourselves, “Have we adequately prepared our boy for the world?” Particularly when that world can be so cruel and intolerant?
This brings me to the question I am wrestling with: Is it our job to prepare our kids for the world, or is it our job to prepare the world for our kids? This is a common debate in the autism community, with no one correct answer. I am writing about our family and our autism. Yes, “our autism,” because in our house, everything about both boys is a family affair. Our situation is ours and different from others’ experiences with autism.
We have raised our boys with the motto of “Be who you are. Respect the core and truth of who you are. And respect others for the core and truth of who they are.”
For our son and his autism, this sometimes means compromise. T.J. loves animals and Power Rangers. He often walks around smiling, giggling and reciting lines from some show he is replaying in his head (usually South Park). We love him 100 percent for who he is, 100 percent of the time. We have also taught him there is a time and a place for certain behaviors. Yes, the world has to accept him, but he also has to watch and sometimes modify his behaviors to be accepted in this crazy world.
T.J. has a job stocking shelves at a local clothing and shoe store. When he is receiving direction or redirection, he has to stop that show or movie playing in his head so he can listen and ask questions if he does not understand. These things are not easy, and they do not come naturally for T.J. He has had to practice these tasks repeatedly, to get better at them. At the same time, he has shown the people at his job who he is: An honest and direct kid with a great sense of humor who is eager to please and do a good job.
They love him, and I am so happy about that.
When he leaves high school and this job, though, and starts a new program with new people, the slate is wiped clean, and he has to start all over again. With new people and new situations, things are often thrown out of whack. The burden lies mostly on T.J. to compromise his comfort level and behavior to fit the situation he is in.
This is such a delicate balance for our autistic boy. These times require enough down time for him to let loose and release the pressure of having to hold it together in public, when he can be as stimmy as he needs to be. During that time, he can draw what he wants to draw to calm down, or recite his favorite shows and movies as loud as he wants to. If he wants to watch little kid shows on TV to re-center, that is fine too. He can do what he needs to do and be as loud as he needs to be, while he regains his balance.
T.J. will always need some stimmy time, but as he becomes more comfortable in his new environment and with new people, that becomes less necessary, or less frequent.
I frequently hear parents of autistic kids say, “It is my job to change the world for my child.”
I do not fully agree.
I believe in education, awareness and acceptance. I believe in telling the world about our autism, about our boys, about our family and about T.J. to promote this education, awareness and acceptance. I believe in informing the world about what our autism looks like, feels like and sounds like. We tell our stories in hopes of opening eyes and opening hearts.
That, however, is the best I can do.
I cannot force eyes and hearts open. It is important for both my boys to know not everyone will accept them for who they are. The world does not work that way now, and it never has. Autism or not.
The key, I tell my boys, is to find those who do accept you, flaws and all. The wonderful people at T.J.’s job get him and love him for who he is. The wonderful people at the high school love and appreciate him as he is.
It is hard to start all over. Really hard. It is even harder for autistic kids to find that balance between compromise and showing their true beautiful selves.
So I guess my answer to that question is: We have to do both. We have to teach our kids to be themselves and balance the things that make them unique with what the world expects or demands. We need to teach them to choose wisely with whom to share their beautiful selves. Not everyone will get them. Not everyone will love them. They need to be able to find those who do.
When they find those who do, they will find a world that is ready for them.
Lauren Swick Jordan is a frequent On Parenting writer and blogs at Laughing … like it’s my job.
Source: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news...l-at-work-and-in-life/?utm_term=.816ba2185ab8
(Lauren Swick Jordan)
As a parent of two teenage boys, ages 17 and 16, I am faced with the daily challenge of how to raise thoughtful, kind, respectful children who treat people well and do not think they are the center of the universe. These are the days of Facebook and Snapchat, of Twitter and the comments section. Online, people freely share their thoughts and opinions — sometimes with kindness and thoughtfulness, sometimes with aggression and name-calling. These behaviors are seeping into everyday life.
How does one address these issues with kids? The lessons are particularly challenging these days because of the many ways people communicate. In our house those conversations are further complicated by the fact our older son T.J. has autism. He is verbal and attends our local public high school with moderate supports to help him succeed both academically and socially. It has largely been a positive experience, but our life is not without struggles, particularly as we plan for T.J.’s life after high school. We are looking at a local program to foster independent living, which is both terrifying and exciting.
My husband and I frequently ask ourselves, “Have we adequately prepared our boy for the world?” Particularly when that world can be so cruel and intolerant?
This brings me to the question I am wrestling with: Is it our job to prepare our kids for the world, or is it our job to prepare the world for our kids? This is a common debate in the autism community, with no one correct answer. I am writing about our family and our autism. Yes, “our autism,” because in our house, everything about both boys is a family affair. Our situation is ours and different from others’ experiences with autism.
We have raised our boys with the motto of “Be who you are. Respect the core and truth of who you are. And respect others for the core and truth of who they are.”
For our son and his autism, this sometimes means compromise. T.J. loves animals and Power Rangers. He often walks around smiling, giggling and reciting lines from some show he is replaying in his head (usually South Park). We love him 100 percent for who he is, 100 percent of the time. We have also taught him there is a time and a place for certain behaviors. Yes, the world has to accept him, but he also has to watch and sometimes modify his behaviors to be accepted in this crazy world.
T.J. has a job stocking shelves at a local clothing and shoe store. When he is receiving direction or redirection, he has to stop that show or movie playing in his head so he can listen and ask questions if he does not understand. These things are not easy, and they do not come naturally for T.J. He has had to practice these tasks repeatedly, to get better at them. At the same time, he has shown the people at his job who he is: An honest and direct kid with a great sense of humor who is eager to please and do a good job.
They love him, and I am so happy about that.
When he leaves high school and this job, though, and starts a new program with new people, the slate is wiped clean, and he has to start all over again. With new people and new situations, things are often thrown out of whack. The burden lies mostly on T.J. to compromise his comfort level and behavior to fit the situation he is in.
This is such a delicate balance for our autistic boy. These times require enough down time for him to let loose and release the pressure of having to hold it together in public, when he can be as stimmy as he needs to be. During that time, he can draw what he wants to draw to calm down, or recite his favorite shows and movies as loud as he wants to. If he wants to watch little kid shows on TV to re-center, that is fine too. He can do what he needs to do and be as loud as he needs to be, while he regains his balance.
T.J. will always need some stimmy time, but as he becomes more comfortable in his new environment and with new people, that becomes less necessary, or less frequent.
I frequently hear parents of autistic kids say, “It is my job to change the world for my child.”
I do not fully agree.
I believe in education, awareness and acceptance. I believe in telling the world about our autism, about our boys, about our family and about T.J. to promote this education, awareness and acceptance. I believe in informing the world about what our autism looks like, feels like and sounds like. We tell our stories in hopes of opening eyes and opening hearts.
That, however, is the best I can do.
I cannot force eyes and hearts open. It is important for both my boys to know not everyone will accept them for who they are. The world does not work that way now, and it never has. Autism or not.
The key, I tell my boys, is to find those who do accept you, flaws and all. The wonderful people at T.J.’s job get him and love him for who he is. The wonderful people at the high school love and appreciate him as he is.
It is hard to start all over. Really hard. It is even harder for autistic kids to find that balance between compromise and showing their true beautiful selves.
So I guess my answer to that question is: We have to do both. We have to teach our kids to be themselves and balance the things that make them unique with what the world expects or demands. We need to teach them to choose wisely with whom to share their beautiful selves. Not everyone will get them. Not everyone will love them. They need to be able to find those who do.
When they find those who do, they will find a world that is ready for them.
Lauren Swick Jordan is a frequent On Parenting writer and blogs at Laughing … like it’s my job.
Source: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news...l-at-work-and-in-life/?utm_term=.816ba2185ab8
