Help!

[SpeckledTuna]

ive loved with my boyfriend for 7 months. We met online 12 years ago, when we were 13-14. Two years ago is when we got into an online relationship and after those two years we took the plunge and I moved to New Jersey to be with him.

I didn't know until I moved in that he has Aspergers. I'm bipolar, so I didn't judge. I just figured it was something new I had to learn to adapt too.

Every couple of months he would have this short meltdowns. He would stop being affectionate and would tell me he felt empty and felt nothing for me. I visited him once last spring, and we broke up briefly because of a situation like this. He told me he wasn't attracted to me, we broke up, I went back home and we didn't talk for a month. After that month, he started texting me videos of the apartment that I had found for us. He had rented it and was telling me how he wanted me there. I ignored him because I was too hurt. For a week he nonstop texted, sent videos, and even emailed me. I eventually caved and called him. I let him have it and told him it was not okay the things he did. He explained he was wrong and was extremely remorseful. So two weeks later he drove 15 hours to come pick me up. Everything was really good.

Then I noticed these meltdowns every couple of months. They were hard at first, but then when they happened I would just go in another room and entertain myself. Until the meltdown we're on now.

For the past almost two weeks, he has been angry and shut down. We were having a really good day, playing WoW, and out of no where he told me he felt empty. I left him alone for a couple of days, I figured it was onset from work stress because his contract with work is about to be up and he doesn't know where we'all be relocated next and he really hates his job. The weekend comes around and he's acting better. He's holding my hand, cuddling wth me, asking me to play games with him or persisting I watch movies with him.

We get to yesterday, his mood was declining throughout the week but he didn't acknowledge it. So it's Wednesday and he is leaving for work. He was throwing a huge fit about something and being completely belligerent about something so I told him not to come home until he adjusted his attitude. Well e didn't come home until midnight, and when he did he refused to tell me where he was.

Eventually he told me he was at his friends, and he continued saying "I did something mean and I regretted saying it after I said it but I don't regret it now." So I inquired what he meant. And he told me that he told his friends that he didn't think I was attractive. He wouldn't say anything more than that. I tried to reason with him and tell him this is just his Aspergers, because we go through this every couple of months and it's a pattern. I also tried to convince him therapy might be beneficial and he said "there is nothing that will make this emptiness go away".

We eventually went to bed, I slept on the couch. He woke up in the morning and acted normalish, laying on the couch with me watching tv until he left for work.

I know you can't speak for him, but is this normal behavior for some with Aspergers? I'm trying so hard to understand but no one can give me any answers. I would appreciate any response.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

I would be interested in hearing what's happening leading up to these meltdowns. What's triggering these things. It could be that something is being disturbed in his routine.

There are a portion of people with Asperger's who do have emotion problems. Usually they learn how to deal with it coming out of adolescence but it can carry on through into adulthood.

I'm concerned that there might be some depression there too.

 

[SpeckledTuna]

I would be interested in hearing what's happening leading up to these meltdowns. What's triggering these things. It could be that something is being disturbed in his routine.

There are a portion of people with Asperger's who do have emotion problems. Usually they learn how to deal with it coming out of adolescence but it can carry on through into adulthood.

I'm concerned that there might be some depression there too.

So before he would have a really mild shut down because I would have something emotional going on and would seek him it for support. It would be hard for him, and he would shut down for maybe a day or two. We were able to talk about his feelings when that happened and he said it was just overwhelming and he had a fear he couldn't help me. After that he worked really hard at being emotionally supportive and he became really good and stable with it. Because I was just seeking out comfort, he kind d adapted to do that.

This big meltdown right now I think is triggered from work. He refuses that that's what it's from and told me last night that he just thinks relationships are dumb and he would be better alone. I pointed out things that we do together that he always initiates and he really didn't want to listen. In fact when I brought up his behaviors, because from Saturday-Tuesday he was normal with me and cuddling and making me spend time with him, he told me that all I do is dismiss his feelings about wanting to break up. I told him the only time he ever mentioned it was when we broke up for that month and he was the one that begged me to come back.

I do think it's work though because he's working as an engineer for a pretty ****** company. He's not doing something he likes, and he doesn't feel like he's being challenged. He worked from home for two weeks, and the Monday he had to go back to the actual office is the day that he told me he felt empty. It was so hurtful to me, because the night before we had date night and had really intimate sex. It was incredible.
Yesterday is when he started acting up again, literally 10 minutes before he got angry and went on a nonsensical tirade, he was in a phone meeting with people from work and had it muted and was cussing and complaining about how stupid they all were.

 

[xudo]

I'm concerned that there might be some depression there too.

This is what I was going to say, as the not talking/feeling empty is how my husband gets when his depression is bad. All the other stuff, I don't know honestly but I wouldn't feel great if someone was telling me they didn't find me attractive or whatever every few months.

 

[Suzanne]

I am afraid that it is rather the norm and sounds so spoilt and nasty and wow I see why my husband gets so wound up with me!

It seems to me, that he likes you as a friend, because he mentions he doesn't find you attractive, which translated to aspie language means: I am not in love with you, but not sure how to relay that. He feels comfortable with you though, because of wanting to do things "friends" do.

We have meltdowns because of something or what some one says.

Personally, I would say good bye to this "relationship", unless you can cope.

When changes occur, I cannot cope and when my husband comes out with an idea for an activity, I cannot cope. But I am learning to try and not react so stupidly.

 

[SpeckledTuna]

This is what I was going to say, as the not talking/feeling empty is how my husband gets when his depression is bad. All the other stuff, I don't know honestly but I wouldn't feel great if someone was telling me they didn't find me attractive or whatever every few months.

He doesn't do it every few months. Besides last summer, this is the only time he has ever brought anything about me into it. Usually it's just he's feeling empty and because of that he doesn't feel like he loves me. Then he feels better, apologizes, and we move forward. It was no so extreme that I really had to worry. Now he's going on two weeks, and it's getting worrisome. I talked to his mom and she also said it sounds like he is depressed and he should go talk to someone, but he refuses any type of therapy.

 

[Bolletje]

I've previously had a pattern where twice a year for a week or so I'd get into a dark mood in which nothing seemed to matter or make sense. I'd often take this out on my then boyfriend with whom I lived together. I broke up with him three times over the course of four years because of feeling like this.
He wasn't the issue though, nor was our relationship. The problem was me, having trouble coping with life as an adult and not knowing why life seemed so much harder for me than it seemed to be for others. I didn't know I had aspergers back then.

I've been through a lot of therapy since then and while I still get the occasional gloomy nihilistic period, I've learned to work out those issues in a healthier way instead of wallowing in my feelings and hurting those close to me.
I think it would be a very good idea for your boyfriend to get counseling of some sort, to figure out what causes these meltdowns as you call them and help him work out a healthier way to get rid of whatever bugs him, one that doesn't hurt you.

As for your question whether this is typical Aspie behavior, I'd say no. Typical behavior for someone with emotional issues, sure.

 

[SpeckledTuna]

I am afraid that it is rather the norm and sounds so spoilt and nasty and wow I see why my husband gets so wound up with me!

It seems to me, that he likes you as a friend, because he mentions he doesn't find you attractive, which translated to aspie language means: I am not in love with you, but not sure how to relay that. He feels comfortable with you though, because of wanting to do things "friends" do.

We have meltdowns because of something or what some one says.

Personally, I would say good bye to this "relationship", unless you can cope.

When changes occur, I cannot cope and when my husband comes out with an idea for an activity, I cannot cope. But I am learning to try and not react so stupidly.

That's why I'm here. Because I'm trying to cope, but I feel alone. I didn't know if this was typical Aspergers behavior and I wanted clarification. I gave up my entire life back in Illinois because he wanted me here. And 90% of the time we get along amazingly. That's the only reason it's worth figuring out to me, because the good outweighs the bad.

 

[Suzanne]

That's why I'm here. Because I'm trying to cope, but I feel alone. I didn't know if this was typical Aspergers behavior and I wanted clarification. I gave up my entire life back in Illinois because he wanted me here. And 90% of the time we get along amazingly. That's the only reason it's worth figuring out to me, because the good outweighs the bad.

Fair enough. I think my husband would say the same thing. We do get on and has taken to saying: the best time we have together is in bed together, because we do not talk; for we do end up clashing when we talk. Oh: "bed together" cuddling; not necessarily the other lol.

 

[SpeckledTuna]

I've previously had a pattern where twice a year for a week or so I'd get into a dark mood in which nothing seemed to matter or make sense. I'd often take this out on my then boyfriend with whom I lived together. I broke up with him three times over the course of four years because of feeling like this.
He wasn't the issue though, nor was our relationship. The problem was me, having trouble coping with life as an adult and not knowing why life seemed so much harder for me than it seemed to be for others. I didn't know I had aspergers back then.

I've been through a lot of therapy since then and while I still get the occasional gloomy nihilistic period, I've learned to work out those issues in a healthier way instead of wallowing in my feelings and hurting those close to me.
I think it would be a very good idea for your boyfriend to get counseling of some sort, to figure out what causes these meltdowns as you call them and help him work out a healthier way to get rid of whatever bugs him, one that doesn't hurt you.

As for your question whether this is typical Aspie behavior, I'd say no. Typical behavior for someone with emotional issues, sure.

Thank you for your response. Usually when this happens it's very brief and manageable and we can talk about it afterwards. So all of this has thrown me for a loop. He seemed a little open to therapy last night. He kind of seemed like he was at his wits end with the feeling because he said "nothing will make this empty feeling go away".

 

[SpeckledTuna]

Fair enough. I think my husband would say the same thing. We do get on and has taken to saying: the best time we have together is in bed together, because we do not talk; for we do end up clashing when we talk. Oh: "bed together" cuddling; not necessarily the other lol.

Lol we get a long great. We talk too each other about everything and are always showing each other new videos and articles. We have a lot of the same interests though. I'm thankful for that.

 

[Suzanne]

Lol we get a long great. We talk too each other about everything and are always showing each other new videos and articles. We have a lot of the same interests though. I'm thankful for that.

It astonishes me that you seem so casual that he doesn't find you attractive! That would really upset me. But I guess you do not need validation perhaps? If not, wow I envy you!

 

[SpeckledTuna]

It astonishes me that you seem so casual that he doesn't find you attractive! That would really upset me. But I guess you do not need validation perhaps? If not, wow I envy you!

It bothers me, but it doesn't. He always sat around all the time and would randomly tell how pretty or beautiful he thought I was. He may not feel attraction for me now, but that doesn't mean he does in general. We have really intimate sex, and are usually pretty close so it's not a concern of mine. When he comes back into being level headed again, I don't think he'll still feel this way.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

I would go see his doctor about him if he's not willing to go. There will only be so much they can talk about him with you and what they can offer but it might give you some options on what you can do. If therapy isn't something he wants to do there is medication that can help with the emotional problems. I personally would stay away from the SSRIs, as good as they are there's a big chance it will kill his sex drive and that sounds pretty important to you. Anti-convulsants might be the way to go, they're having some good results with that in autistic people who have problems controlling extreme emotions, carbamazepine is usually the one they go for, lamotrigine is another good one (one I'm on).

 

[dom]

Thank you for your response. Usually when this happens it's very brief and manageable and we can talk about it afterwards. So all of this has thrown me for a loop. He seemed a little open to therapy last night. He kind of seemed like he was at his wits end with the feeling because he said "nothing will make this empty feeling go away".

It sounds like work is the problem. I suffered very badly from stress at a job which made me very anxious and depressed. This had an effect on my relationship with my wife. It took me a suprisingly long time to realise that work was the problem, then a lot longer to leave when I had. I'm working elsewhere now and am a lot happier. It does sound like he needs to have a chat with a dr.

 

[SpeckledTuna]

It sounds like work is the problem. I suffered very badly from stress at a job which made me very anxious and depressed. This had an effect on my relationship with my wife. It took me a suprisingly long time to realise that work was the problem, then a lot longer to leave when I had. I'm working elsewhere now and am a lot happier. It does sound like he needs to have a chat with a dr.

I keep thinking it's work. He's adamant it's not. Did you say mean things to your wife when you were having a hard time? And how did you overcome it?

 

[dom]

I would go see his doctor about him if he's not willing to go. There will only be so much they can talk about him with you and what they can offer but it might give you some options on what you can do. If therapy isn't something he wants to do there is medication that can help with the emotional problems. I personally would stay away from the SSRIs, as good as they are there's a big chance it will kill his sex drive and that sounds pretty important to you. Anti-convulsants might be the way to go, they're having some good results with that in autistic people who have problems controlling extreme emotions, carbamazepine is usually the one they go for, lamotrigine is another good one (one I'm on).

I take risperidone and so do some other aspies I know. I find it help with anxiety.

 

[SpeckledTuna]

I would go see his doctor about him if he's not willing to go. There will only be so much they can talk about him with you and what they can offer but it might give you some options on what you can do. If therapy isn't something he wants to do there is medication that can help with the emotional problems. I personally would stay away from the SSRIs, as good as they are there's a big chance it will kill his sex drive and that sounds pretty important to you. Anti-convulsants might be the way to go, they're having some good results with that in autistic people who have problems controlling extreme emotions, carbamazepine is usually the one they go for, lamotrigine is another good one (one I'm on).

I'm going to keep trying for therapy. He isn't really open to any kind of treatment, but he seemed less resilient to it last night. Sex is not super important to me. He actually isn't super sexual, so we don't have sex a lot. But when we do it's very intimate and engaging. So I don't worry about that because we're both content with it.

 

[dom]

I keep thinking it's work. He's adamant it's not. Did you say mean things to your wife when you were having a hard time? And how did you overcome it?

I did say some horrid I'm sad to say. I thought some worse things and managed to really upset her. However I went and got help, she came with me. She has been very supportive. I was prescribed low dose risperidone and antidepressants which helped. The single biggest benefit howver was leaving my job.

 

[SpeckledTuna]

I did say some horrid I'm sad to say. I thought some worse things and managed to really upset her. However I went and got help, she came with me. She has been very supportive. I was prescribed low dose risperidone and antidepressants which helped. The single biggest benefit howver was leaving my job.

This gives me hope. Like maybe holding out a little longer might be worth it. Thank you for your response. I really appreciate it.