Help with Breakup

[TheLittlePotato]

Hi, I am a 18 years old diagnosed guy with autism(Asperger).

I had a relationship with a girl since two years now and one week ago, she broke up with me because she said I am terrible with communication and could never progress. The same day we broke up, I was seeing for the first time a specialist that could help me be better communication, it was planned and had nothing to do with the breakup.

She was tired of giving me chances to make progress by myself. Now, i made significant progress with my communication since I'm seeing the specialist, but I wasn't capable of letting one day pass without sending her at least one text message since our separation. I love her very much and I really want to get her back.
She was in love with me two weeks the last time we saw each other and had good time. I know she is tired of giving me chances, but I am finally making progress now and I can't believe she can just stop loving me in two weeks.

When I'm trying to talk to her, she is not really receptive and dont really to talk on the phone. I know there is a no contact rule that exists, but I'm not sure if I should do it because I'm afraid she will just pass on with me in her life and will forget me and never have a chance to love me back again.

Help from and for an asperger would be very appreciated.
Thanks!

 

[Keigan]

When I'm trying to talk to her, she is not really receptive and dont really to talk on the phone. I know there is a no contact rule that exists, but I'm not sure if I should do it because I'm afraid she will just pass on with me in her life and will forget me and never have a chance to love me back again.

You have to ensure that your actions could not be perceived as stalking or creepy.

You also have to be prepared that she might have made a decision already.

One of the simplest things you could do is to write her a letter explaining how you fell and what you are experiencing. The beauty is that a letter allows you to express yourself without interruption, just keep the wording respectful.

Do no harm.

If she pass on you then that is her decision.... and she may not see the best of you that is now coming out - some one else will.

 

[Pariah Dog]

I think I tend to be a champion of unpopular opinion around here, and I have one hell of a thick layer of armor against the contempt that it may generate.

To try and break this down. It sounds as if she more or less already has moved on. You see, women have a very uncontrollable blueprint when it comes to who or what they are attracted to. You could say they are down right passive about the matter, relying almost entirely on outside influence. Your best bet is to think about it like this.

Now, the asshole bit is mostly to put a smile on ones face.
If you keep perusing her you will come across as clingy or desperate. She will lose any respect or attraction for you if she thinks you are clingy or desperate. There are pretty much no ands, ifs or buts about this. I'm sorry that's just the way things are. That doesn't make her a bad person and it is not her fault, or even a fault actually. It is simply hard coded biology written into a women. At face value it may seem brutal and unfair. Once you reach a certain level of self actualization you may see it as part of the beauty of who a woman is. Like a old tree that has grown to a curious twisted shape. You may not understand it, it may not make any logical sense, but you can appreciate it for the beauty of nature.

It will hurt for a while. That is normal. You are very young still so it will hurt more intensely. That is also normal. When you are older you may see that has a beauty of it's own kind. So it's going to be tough but you probably are going to have to cut your loses and move forward, learning from your mistakes. Let the girl go. Break contact. Who knows maybe she will start to miss you and try to come back. And if she doesn't? That's ok, it's a learning experience.

Something else from one aspie to another. There is a phenomenon among aspies that we may be very attracted to or love someone for no other reason than we know (or at least think we know) that the person loves or is attracted to us. Now THAT is unfair if you ask me. We have to question if we are even capable of making a rational decision in feeling affection towards a person.


Let me give you another tidbit from one aspie to another, me being almost 32 years old. I was recently seeing a beautiful lady who I thought well out of me league. She ended things with me and I felt like hell about it for a couple days. However I just remind myself of the quote by our friend Bubbles above. Set her free. I let her know a couple days after the fact that I was glad for getting to know her and having some fun evenings out. And I meant it. If she is mine she will come back. If she doesn't come back, well life goes on. I now know I'm am capable of dating attractive intelligent ladies. And if she doesn't come back... well maybe I really am an asshole.

[EDIT] For the record, I would very much like for her to come back. However I am not going to pin my life around hope of it happening. There are many courses of direction of life to follow. Maybe her leaving me means I find my soul mate next week through some other circumstances.

 

[TheLittlePotato]

Thanks for your boths complete replies. I think I will try to let some days pass and write her a letter explaining what happened in my poijt of view and what I'm doing to be better at myself with communication. However, I will need to tell her to check her mail because she never checks it.

The truth is that communication had always been the single major problem in our relationship and now that I'm truly working on it I will not accept to not try at least my best to convice her I can change for the best of us.
Thanks for your help, I will keep news here if anything happens, the hard part is really just not wanting to talk with her as I was doing everyday...

Thanks.

 

[Bolletje]

I wouldn't try to pursue her too actively. It's great that you are working on your communication skills now, and you should definitely stop doing that. But reading your message, I get the feeling your ex has a lot of built up frustration (possibly even some resentment?) over the communication issues in your relationship. While you improving your skills is a good thing, it might just be too late. Frustration has a habit of killing feelings, and sometimes it's just too late to rekindle that.

My suggestion would be to write that letter, keep it around for a week or so you can revise it (don't contact her by other means during this time) and end the note with saying that you would really like to try again, but that it's up to her. Then leave her be. Give her some time to sort her feelings out.

Because as much as you want to get back together, the more messages you send, the more you'll drive her away. It can actually make her go from "not sure about a future together" to "glad I dodged that clingy bullet". In my experience as a woman on the receiving end of such messages, that is.

 

[TheLittlePotato]

Thanks for your advice Bolletje. I think that's the right thing to do and agree that texting her everyday isn't making things better. I think thats the best thing to do; to wait and write a letter for a couples of days and then send it to her. I am not someone who give up easely on things I like and I never stop trying even if it's for a math problem or a girlfriend situation, but I feel that presently she needs some space from me and the hard part will only to not talk to her during a long period, which we basically never done before.
I would have posted the letter that I will someday post to her, but I am french so its not in the interest of a lot of people and could mess up opinions.
Thanks again, I'm doing the best I can.

 

[Bolletje]

Best of luck!

 

[Pariah Dog]

I wish I were armed with as much wisdom as we have given him when I was that same age. I was a clueless as it gets.

 

[Tobs]

I'm 29 and just got out of mybroken up with by my first serious and meaningful relationship (6 years).
Though the problems we've been having for the later part of the relationship are more complex than lack of communication, the feeling of not wanting to give up are very similar.

Before her, I only hoped tomorrow would be better than today. But when I fell in love with me, I started caring about growing old. It's not a big dream, but it's the first and still only one I have.

I've always been very lonely in life, coming from a broken home and parents with their own mental issues. Few friends, bullied in school. Right around the time we started dating (had known eachother for 6 years prior) I was finally getting a stable/non-chaotic environment going for myself. In retrospect, she moved in too soon in our relationship. We made many choices like that throughout the relationship. Imminently practical, but with no regard for possible emotional repercussions.

I don't think it's fair on her to ask for a second chance. She has tried really hard for 6 years and I've been difficult and at times even unfair to her without the intent to be. I never realized how dominant I was in our decision-making process. It was never what I wanted. I wish we had asked others for help or mediation, it might have been confronting to me but it would have pointed out a lot of imbalance in our relationship. I don't want to ask her for a second chance. But I want to at least show her that I was wrong to be so rigid, and that I'm changing my course even if I'm going to be alone from now on.

I'm not putting an expectation on her to come back. I understand if she can't. But it's still the only dream I have.