Help with an autistic coworker?

[JustAFriend]

I hope I'm placing this message in the right place. I'm having issues with a coworker whom for the most part we've had a rocky friendship, which I've sustained because I feel like they really need anyone to just listen to them.

I can generally be fine with what they're saying (its benign super focused interests mostly, sometimes slips into how they have disdain for other races / peoples), but they make strange statements sometimes about how "emotions are false, empathy is a foreign concept, etc." This person is a male within their mid thirties, has a wife and child, and often speaks of loving their family, but when asked they respond with their quotes rhetoric of how they are superior for not having love for their child?

For further indulgence, this person had lost their "best friend" a few years back from brain cancer, at times they would say they were missing this person, or are sorrowful that they can't play games together anymore.

I've known this person for quite a few years, and can vouch for this behavior is patterned over and over again the cycle of (Give me sympathy, followed by all people are beneath me for I have no emotion (this is a literal quote))

I hope this doesnt come off as offensive, as I really want to help this person. Do I advise them to speak to a mental councilor? Do I harsh confront them with reality (as in the majority of people "have emotion"? I dont even know what to say.

(pre-edit) this person is physically extremely thin (roughly 5 10, but 140 lbs if I was being generous, if that's relevant

I can go more in depth with their quirks if needed for anyone looking to help.

edit - syntax, was missing the "I" in Do I advise.

 

[Magna]

Welcome. How do you know the person is autistic?

Autism aside, it's kind for you to want to be friends. You are under no obligation whatsoever to "give them a pass" for things said that are offensive to you. In other words, it's of course entirely appropriate for you voice opposition to things that you find upsetting and appropriate for you to ask them to refrain from speaking about such things the way they do in the future; I'm thinking of their disdain for other races/peoples.

People have a wide variety of opinions on many topics, some of which are offensive to others, mean, hateful, etc. That doesn't mean they get free license to share those opinions if someone asks them to keep those opinions to themselves when they're around you.

"When you talk about what seems like disdain to me for other races, people's etc, I find that offensive and I'd just ask that you don't talk about those things around me anymore, ok?" The person will either respect your request (as anyone should) or they'll be clueless and continue in which case you can decide to let it go or break friendship.

Also, just because a key trait common among many autistic people is having a "special interest", does not mean that said autistic people have license to go on ad nauseum about said topic, oblivious to the lack of interest in those around them.

"I'm glad that you like [ insert special interest topic here ] and you're obviously very interested in it, but that topic absolutely bores me to tears. I'm definitely not one to talk to about that topic at all. But I'm certainly open to talking about other things that do interest me."

I say this "tongue in cheek", but since they apparently have no emotion, they shouldn't be upset with the above kinds of statements, should they?

And I say all of the above as an autistic person myself.

Your friend may be so limited in their interests and scope of their life that they may have little to say on anything other than their special interest topics. That's not a dig on my part against your friend. Everyone is different. My point is though, if you set boundaries on what you want to discuss or don't want to discuss, your friend may have nothing more else to talk about in which case the friendship parameters no longer will sustain a friendship.

I had an extreme special interest in collecting a certain category of antique years ago. I made a friend who I'm certain had Aspergers and who shared the same level of interest in the very specific type of collecting. We could and did talk for hours at a time on literally nothing else other than the shared interest. It was his life and largely mine as well. I moved on from that interest and realized at that point that he and I wouldn't be friends any longer because the shared interest was literally the only thing that bound us as friends and there was nothing outside of that at all. Fifteen years later and I know that he is still as consumed by the interest as he ever was. He hasn't changed at all in that regard and doesn't want to. No judgement. It's exactly what he wants to do. No hard feelings, it was simply the reality of the situation. Everyone is different and that's OK.

 

[JustAFriend]

Is the emotionally blank ideology a common factor? For example a friend of mine who works in our factory had a death in the family, and had to take some bereavement leave, however this time was within a week of pre determined Thanksgiving leave, so naturally I assume this person bumped their vacation up, and when people asked about them, I said "Oh, he must've taken more vacation days."

I as wrong, and as stated, they had a death in the family. The person in question (Thomas) then approached me and mocked me for being wrong, and that the truth was my friends father had died.

Edit - They told me this with a smile on their face, they were clearly happy I was incorrect

2nd edit - Sorry, bit of a need full context moment. This is a mutual friend who's father died.

 

[Magna]

In relation to your questions in your second post. Emotionally blank ideology? A common misconception is that autistic people are incapable of empathy. That's incorrect. However, speaking only for myself, it is difficult for me to empathize with someone about something I've never personally experienced. I can absolutely empathize with someone about something that I myself have previously experienced and in fact I sometimes experience hyper-empathy.

One of the reasons it's difficult me for me to empathize with someone about something I have NOT experienced is that I need more information in order to empathize at an appropriate level that's commensurate with the person's pain. There are different degrees of empathy. A person will have a different level of empathy for someone who says they just got a paper cut than someone who just found out a loved one died. These two examples are obvious, but most things aren't. Even cancer. Do you empathize the same for someone who tells you they're terminal with weeks to live and no possibility of recovery as you would someone who has a cancerous mole removed with no further issues? If I hear simply that someone has cancer, I need more information.

Scorning you for being incorrect about something: I've known many NTs (Neurotypicals) who are insensitive people, jerks, know-it-alls, etc, so is what you describe specific to autism?

 

[JustAFriend]

No everything you said is fair, as I did not want to provide this detail, we work in a small team generally 4 of us at most. While everyone is fine with writing him off as the (how I was first introduced to him "The creepy guy who doesnt talk to people.". However this was when his "best friend" who had brain cancer and died.

I've honestly just had a moment as I've never had to fully explain the situation. And I feel this may be the most human thing I ever said.

Can I help this person. That's really all I want to know.
As much as I want to be a friend, I cannot dedicate my life to this person. I'm just a guy wondering if I can spring board them into real help, as they seem to be asking for it, or if I should just walk away and wait for it to be another person's problem.

 

[Magna]

Be real. Be yourself. Tell it like it is (ie the bolded examples of telling him you don't want to hear repeatedly about his same topics of interest and you don't want to hear racist comments from him) and see what happens from there.

If you feel obligated to try to help him change his behaviors don't do anything other than tell him what you're personally comfortable or not comfortable with in relation to conversation, topics, etc.

When you say he seems to want help, is he saying things like: "I don't have emotion at all; I wish I did."? If he doesn't care whether he has emotion or not I don't know why you'd feel obligated to help him? Not everyone is emotional by nature. Does everyone have to be emotional?

 

[Tom]

We are almost all just other people on the spectrum, not doctors or mental health specialists. How can any of us really know?

That said I can still state my opinion.

If I had to make a guess the guys superiority complex is in part a defense mechanism of an inferiority complex. We have seen it before and it is not approved of by most all of us and can even get you kicked off the forum. I am not sure even what to call it, but for lack of a better word, a form of bigotry maybe?

Can you help him? Maybe, as in you could be part of help for him, but I do not believe it is something you can do alone. If it was me I would probably just remain low key but friendly. Unless you did have some natural mutual interest to share in some way. However if he made a repulsive statement I would be clear that I did not agree with that. And if he asked you why I might explain a little, briefly. I would not try and tell him how he should be but just how I feel about it myself.

Really what is needed is some professional assistance. I probably wouldn't bring it up but if he did would say I think it a good idea.

 

[Thinx]

Does he say he's autistic? Racism often comes from upbringing and dominant ideas of family or friends. The guy sounds like he would benefit from hearing that you have a different take on this, and don't want to hear racist views. Not being emotional is different from not caring about others. Lots of people are primarily logical or thinkers rather than emotional, I guess. I certainly am. But I care about others.

Do you think they may benefit from bereavement counselling or support? It's tough to lose a friend, especially if you only have one good friend.

 

[Fino]

Help him with what?

 

[Matthias]

I hope I'm placing this message in the right place. I'm having issues with a coworker whom for the most part we've had a rocky friendship, which I've sustained because I feel like they really need anyone to just listen to them.

I can generally be fine with what they're saying (its benign super focused interests mostly, sometimes slips into how they have disdain for other races / peoples), but they make strange statements sometimes about how "emotions are false, empathy is a foreign concept, etc." This person is a male within their mid thirties, has a wife and child, and often speaks of loving their family, but when asked they respond with their quotes rhetoric of how they are superior for not having love for their child?

Some people focus on their interests to avoid talking about themselves because they feel like they don't belong. When people criticize him, it may remind him of his beliefs and result in him feeling alone or rejected.

Disdain for other races / peoples could be due to negative experiences with those people or negative perceptions based on watching the news. He wouldn't mention it unless it was important to him so asking him why he feels the way he does would be helpful. Acknowledging and empathizing with him while gently helping him see that not everyone of that race or group of people is like what he described can help him heal from negative experiences with those people and feel more comfortable being around them.

His comment about emotions and empathy tells me he probably avoids his emotions due to negative experiences with people. He may blame other people for rejecting him (a perception which may or may not be true) which would make it hard to empathize with them. The "superiority" of not feeling love may be that it avoids the pain of loss or rejection.

I get the impression your co-worker probably feels like he doesn't belong and frequently feels rejected when people say anything negative about him.

For further indulgence, this person had lost their "best friend" a few years back from brain cancer, at times they would say they were missing this person, or are sorrowful that they can't play games together anymore.

He may have regretted having him as a friend because of the emotional pain he experienced when he lost his friend (which would be significant if he didn't have any other friends). He may feel that not loving his child is superior because it will spare him from emotional pain if he passes away.

I've known this person for quite a few years, and can vouch for this behavior is patterned over and over again the cycle of (Give me sympathy, followed by all people are beneath me for I have no emotion (this is a literal quote))

It sounds to me like he is very lonely because he feels like he does not belong. If he frequently feels rejected, he may look down at people to minimize the emotional pain caused by it.

I hope this doesnt come off as offensive, as I really want to help this person. Do I advise them to speak to a mental councilor? Do I harsh confront them with reality (as in the majority of people "have emotion"? I dont even know what to say.

There is a good chance he may frequently feel rejected or believe he doesn't belong because he is very sensitive (which may not be apparent since he avoids his emotions) so I would avoid harshly confronting him with reality which would probably result in him feeling like you rejected him.

I think what he really needs is someone to take the time to understand him and help him feel like he belongs. People who feel like they don't belong usually have a habit of thinking negatively, believing they are different than other people, and often feel like no one understands them.

He could definitely use counseling although he may resent you suggesting it or feel like you're attacking him if he's very sensitive. As far as what you can do, being positive, interpreting his statements in a charitable way, and gently trying to help him think more positively and feel like he belongs should be helpful.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Dude sounds like a freak to me, I would not engage. Life is short and I want to be happy. I like happy people who dont have any problems and want to have fun. I dont mind wierd and nerdy and shy and other things like that, but some people just suck too much. Move on, he is not worth your time

 

[Fino]

Dude sounds like a freak to me, I would not engage. Life is short and I want to be happy. I like happy people who dont have any problems and want to have fun. I dont mind wierd and nerdy and shy and other things like that, but some people just suck too much. Move on, he is not worth your time

It's people like you that make the world dark.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

It's people like you that make the world dark.

It would be better to keep trying to be all that they need, over and over again. More drama, more impossible tests, more emo nonsesnse, another crisis, an infinitum.

I put my own needs first. I like being around positive happy healthy folk, so I can become like those I am around. I want to be well. Besides I already did all that thing about let's just try and be supportive with relationships that only end up taking away from my happy life.