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Featured Help understanding an Aspie please

Discussion in 'Friends, Family & Social Skills' started by Cat Smith, Jun 11, 2019.

  1. Cat Smith

    Cat Smith Active Member

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    Ok, there is a person with Asperger's I work with and like him and I'm trying to understand him. As the information about his Asperger's comes from the third party, I can't ask him untill he discloses it to me so for now, I'm looking for some answers from people with the same diagnosis. So here are some questions:

    1. If you also suffer from social anxiety, is it due to irrational fear of being judged or fear of messing something up due to Asperger's or something else?

    2. If you struggle with initiating conversation, is it because of social anxiety or because you don't know how to or because you don't want that interaction ( even if it's someone you like),...?

    3. If eye contact is uncomfortable but you try to make it anyway, do you do it not to look socially awkward, show the other person you care, .....? Does it get easier if you know the person for long time and with friends and family?

    4. As many people with ASD like sameness and routine, do you think it makes you less likely to cheat on your partner? Do you (like many maybe most NTs) feel the desire to get sexually involved with people outside of the relationship or do you think of other people during sex?

    5. If you like someone and find out the person likes you back (from a third party), does it make you more anxious around them to the point you may try to avoid the person?

    6. If you are unsure how to answer some texts, will you just not reply at all? Does it no occur to you that no reply appears more weird (to NTs) than if you just replied something, anything?

    7. How overt do body language need to be for you to pick up?

    Thank you everyone to taking the time to help me understand.
     
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2019
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  2. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    1. If you also suffer from social anxiety, is it due to irrational fear of being judged or fear of messing something up due to Asperger's or something else?

    Any one of them could be an Alien.

    2. If you strangle initiating conversation, is it because of social anxiety or because you don't know how to or because you don't want that interaction ( even if it's someone you like),...?

    It's kind of like mercy killing, but for conversation.

    3. If eye contact is uncomfortable but you try to make it anyway, do you do it not to look socially awkward, show the other person you care, .....? Does it get easier if you know the person for long time and with friends and family?

    Never make eye contact. Everyone knows thats how demons enter your body.

    4. As many people with ASD like sameness and routine, do you think it makes you less likely to cheat on your partner? Do you (like many maybe most NTs) feel the desire to get sexually involved with people outside of the relationship or do you think of other people during sex?

    We are other people during sex

    5. If you like someone and find out the person likes you back (from a third party), does it make you more anxious around them to the point you may try to avoid the person?

    Aspies never go to third parties. One is usually more then enough.

    6. If you are unsure how to answer some texts, will you just not reply at all? Does it no occur to you that no reply appears more weird (to NTs) than if you just replied something, anything?

    One person's weird is another's 'not interested'

    7. How overt do body language need to be for you to pick up?

    Belly dancing
     
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  3. BraidedPony

    BraidedPony Just Enjoying Survival V.I.P Member

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    why dont you just get to know him? why do you need a third party?
    just say hi to the guy.
    he isnt the one that is awkward and your questions are weird.
     
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  4. BraidedPony

    BraidedPony Just Enjoying Survival V.I.P Member

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    still loling at belly dancing.....
     
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  5. Autistamatic

    Autistamatic He's just this guy, you know? V.I.P Member

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    Jokes aside, there is no way to accurately answer your questions just because your friend is autistic.
    It would be like me asking you questions about how a person from your country, your gender or your ethnic origin would behave or react to a given situation. We are all different. Some of us are naturally socially anxious, some of us were bullied into being so, and some of us are socially confident.

    For the record - fear of being judged is not irrational, it happens in every interaction in yours and our lives so is quite, quite rational. Unfortunately, because our brains are wired a bit differently and our priorities may not be the same as most neurotypical people, we do get used to being judged as lacking by many of those we meet, so being more aware of that judgement isn't unusual.
    The best answer to your questions, is just make the effort to get to know him better and understand what makes him tick. Meet him halfway like you would anybody else. He's just human after all. There isn't a guidebook or an autistic Rosetta Stone to crack the code ;)
     
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  6. Pinkie B

    Pinkie B Just Me

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    I have social anxiety from a rational fear of being judged. I have had several traumatic experiences of "Surprise Hate" growing up where I thought everything was fine and then my church tried to excommunicate me and my school tried to expel me and neither group would explain why. So social situations make me uncomfortable because something about me is different and makes people treat me badly and it always surprises me because I can't tell why.

    I'm not sure what strangling initiating conversation means.

    Yes.

    I don't think routine and cheating have anything to do with each other. I think that it is quite normal and perhaps biologically encoded that people are attracted to variety and that being in a monogamous relationship doesn't stop that attraction. I think deciding to act on that attraction is quite personal and don't think there's any reason for NT's or ND's to be more or less likely to cheat.

    That said, most Aspies are quite uncomfortable with mistruths. So if cheating is being dishonest, I would imagine it's unlikely-er. But you can't say anything for sure.

    No. But I've never been in that situation.

    I take my time to answer. If I'm unsure I will wait until I'm sure. I know that NTs find this disconcerting but I will not say something until I'm sure it's what I want to say.

    I don't know how you would measure the degree of overtness of body language.

     
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  7. Pinkie B

    Pinkie B Just Me

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    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!! [so many lolz]
     
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  8. Cat Smith

    Cat Smith Active Member

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    I meant struggling with initiating conversation, sorry
     
  9. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I enjoyed Tom's responses. :) No 2 people on the spectrum are going to answer these questions the same. Even giraffes have spots unique to them individually.
     
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  10. Gracey

    Gracey Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    What's stopping you asking him your list of questions?

    Those are the actual answers you want, right?
     
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  11. Cat Smith

    Cat Smith Active Member

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    Because some of his behaviour (always me initiating conversation, taking ages to reply to messages and when there is no question in the text then sometimes not replying at all, not asking many questions, being very nervous when talking to me,... ) makes me feel he doesn't like me, doesn't want to be a friend let alone anything else, or outright hates me sometimes and just wants me to leave him alone. Because I really like him, I'm trying to contribute this to him being autistic, so that I have "an excuse" not to give up on him.
     
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  12. Gracey

    Gracey Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    The only way you're ever going to really know for sure is to make your interest crystal clear by being direct and then ask him out.

    If you're trying to attract him with subtle gestures, hints, allurements and eyelash batting in the hope he'll pick up on your interest,
    You may be wasting your energy.

    If he's not interested I'm sure he'll let you know. As gently as he's capable.

    Nurse your bruised ego and move on.
    Plenty more fish in the sea, as they say :)
     
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  13. Autistamatic

    Autistamatic He's just this guy, you know? V.I.P Member

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    It could just as easily be that he DOES like you and is afraid of alienating you so is being very careful.
    All I can say with certainty is that I personally don't like playing guessing games. If it was me I'd prefer you to just say to me "You know I really like you and I'd love to get to know you better. Would you like to do something together?"
    The "problem" with many of us is not that we don't perceive the signals people transmit as the research (done by non autistic scientists) often suggests, but that wereceive so many conflicting signals that neurotypical people aren't even aware of, it's very difficult to work out which ones to act upon. Straight, candid honesty is often the best policy.
     
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  14. Pinkie B

    Pinkie B Just Me

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    Wow! That's amazingly self aware! [no sarcasm]. Good for you!
     
  15. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member

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    Basic body language is ok; it is the more subtle ones that are confusing.

    Thank you so much for asking in a point system; so very pleasing to deal with.
     
  16. Autistamatic

    Autistamatic He's just this guy, you know? V.I.P Member

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    @Cat Smith Maybe it would be worth reading the following article (my own, I confess) which was partially prompted by your questions here. Maybe it will give you something to think about. The follow up may have some suggestions that will help you get closer to your friend.

    https://www.autistamatic.com/post/emotional-spaghetti
     
  17. SolarPoweredNightOwl

    SolarPoweredNightOwl Walking contradiction

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    I don't miss all the nail-biting over texts back or lack thereof. Leave that nonsense in the late teens/early 20s where it belongs.

    Cut the schoolgirl crap and tell him. I can say plenty more on this one, but don't want to offend. Tom was on the right track, though...


    If you haven't caught on by now, we're all individuals. It's logical to look at the Asperger's angle, and if you snag this guy you'll have to look at it further. But as others have said more eloquently, don't assume that a diagnosis negates individuality, especially when ASD is known for wildly differing signs and challenges.

    I will suggest if/when you make your move on him, make sure he's not tired or overloaded. Navigating social situations and coping with surprises takes energy, especially when the stakes are raised (remember you're his coworker). We can lose function when we're strained too much. Maybe take him to lunch or something, that way it's early-ish in the day plus you're not at work that way.

    There's a good chance he's much more socially competent than his diagnosis might lead you to believe, especially if he's around your age. He might be oblivious to your crush, or he might be aware and simply not interested. Or he could be gay. He might even be a lizard person from Mars, although that seems unlikely due to Mars' cold temperature and the difficulties of interplanetary travel. Good luck!
     
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  18. Pinkie B

    Pinkie B Just Me

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    Now I want spaghetti.
     
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  19. 100skerls

    100skerls Just another skerl V.I.P Member

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    I would be very uncomfortable if I started to like someone then found out from someone else that they liked me. And yeah I’d likely avoid them. Because if you both know then there goes the ability for the relationship to grow slowly and naturally. Every relationship I ever had started way to quick except the one I’m in now which is also the one I’ve been in by far the longest. I was platonic with my current boyfriend for four years before we started dating. You don’t have to wait that long or anything I’d just try to be good friends with the guy first probably - that will probably make him feel more comfortable.. might take some time to recover from him finding out to like him though. But I am drawing at straws because like everyone else has said no two autistic people are the same.
     
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  20. Brit

    Brit Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    This is a brilliant article.
     
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