Help! Someone I hardly know wants to stay with me!

[Yeshuasdaughter]

So, my old neighbor from my old apartments moved out of state about a year ago with her husband and child. I hardly knew her. Honestly, I know her five year old much better than I know her.

Before she moved away we shared contact info.

I got a message yesterday afternoon, saying she was flying back to town with her daughter. We made small talk about getting together. Nothing big.

Then, yesterday evening I got a message asking if she could stay with us for a few days while she gets on her feet. From prior experience, that often means a few weeks to months. Especially since the conversation started with the fact they were visiting, but then turned quickly to looking for a place in town.

She is staying with someone right now, but she says her five year old is afraid of dogs, and they don't want to be there. I don't know why her husband isn't there. And I don't want to know the drama.

I feel for the little girl, but maybe it's time to learn dogs are safe and friendly.

And I don't have the resources or the emotional energy to have two boarders who I have barely spoken to, ever. They were "neighbors over the fence". Nice folks, but the only person in that house I ever spoke to was the little girl when she was playing outside. My daughter thought she was so cute and funny, and spent time with her.

The adults in that house drank a lot, fought a lot, and smoked a lot. Fine people, but bad tempers. The wife was sweet on her own.

Another thing I didn't mention is that we are going through a family crisis right now. There was a scary event yesterday afternoon, and my daughter could have been seriously injured.

I don't want to have them stay with me. But I feel for the little girl. How do I say no, politely?

 

[Jeepcarpenter]

Aside from the fact that the story starts out fine then begins to sound a bit shady or dis genuinely accurate.. your understanding of your own resources and energy should be decisive enough.

Maybe you can assist in trying to find a way to help them to achieve such but I don’t believe you should take the burden of supporting them until such a time. You are probably very altruistic and that is always admirable but displacing yourself for another is a lot of energy and work and should only be done is you can afford that toll on you since you have to take care of yourself first before you can do the same of others.

I’ve done the same for many over the years but in the same regard have turned many others away.. and luckily, I think I’m only down two grand from helping, had a lot of relationships ruined and destroyed myself trying to accommodate at times.. still overall it’s been mostly worthwhile in the long run.. in the short haul I still question it every time, simply because of the unknown and how troublesome it can be.

Just say that you are not currently in a position to do that at the moment and maybe offer suggestions or to help in other ways?

 

[Alexej]

Aside from the fact that the story starts out fine then begins to sound a bit shady or dis genuinely accurate.. your understanding of your own resources and energy should be decisive enough.

I agree here. You need to look after yourself first and then perhaps you can offer hospitality.
Just say that there are things going on for you which makes this an inopportune time, so Sorry no.

 

[Darkkin]

Be honest. State that due to an unforeseen family crisis you are unable to accommodate houseguests for the foreseeable future.

You are not under any moral obligation and to be very frank, that woman is encroaching on your kind nature. A request of that magnitude borders on entitlement and is not reasonable.

Look after your family first.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Just say that you are not currently in a position to do that at the moment and maybe offer suggestions or to help in ot

I second that. It is horribly presumptive that distant acquaintences would make that request.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Thanks everyone. I took your suggestions and told her the truth, that we're having a family crisis, and that I'm not able to provide hospitality. I also told her that I really do want to get together and visit.

I also did one up from that. Our old apartment managers transferred to a nicer complex in a small town, not far from here. I suggested she contact them, because they could get her in an apartment, fast. Plus it'd be small town living, and her daughter played with their son at our old apartments. Here's hoping and praying!

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

I agree that you should be honest and say that you can’t host them right now but you are willing to help them find another place to stay for a few days. And then offer to meet them for lunch to discuss alternate plans. You’re not really telling this woman that you can’t or won’t help her and sometimes finding a compromise is the best thing to do.

 

[Rodafina]

Thanks everyone. I took your suggestions and told her the truth, that we're having a family crisis, and that I'm not able to provide hospitality. I also told her that I really do want to get together and visit.

I also did one up from that. Our old apartment managers transferred to a nicer complex in a small town, not far from here. I suggested she contact them, because they could get her in an apartment, fast. Plus it'd be small town living, and her daughter played with their son at our old apartments. Here's hoping and praying!

My goodness, I admire you! You pondered the necessity of a boundary, you listened to some advice, then you went ahead and set it.

AND, you set a boundary in the kindest, most helpful way possible by offering a really useful alternative. Truly, I am super inspired by what just transpired for you.

 

[Jordy]

The fact that she wasn't immediately upfront about what she wanted from you says enough.

 

[Tom]

If that doesn't work, get a Great Dane and Chihuahua. If the big one doesn't keep them away the little one definately will.

 

[Jeepcarpenter]

If that doesn't work, get a Great Dane and Chihuahua. If the big one doesn't keep them away the little one definately will.

View attachment 83844

That is exactly my wife’s thoughts, glad to know someone shares her sentiment.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Thanks everyone. I took your suggestions and told her the truth, that we're having a family crisis, and that I'm not able to provide hospitality. I also told her that I really do want to get together and visit.

I also did one up from that. Our old apartment managers transferred to a nicer complex in a small town, not far from here. I suggested she contact them, because they could get her in an apartment, fast. Plus it'd be small town living, and her daughter played with their son at our old apartments. Here's hoping and praying!

I am with @Rodafina on this! I really admire your solution. So very kind and practical. I wish I could think that way! It tells me a lot about the person you are. You are going for the win-win solution.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I don't have the resources or the emotional energy to have two boarders who I have barely spoken to, ever.

Then the answer would be,..."NO".

Sometimes politeness leads to someone taking advantage of you,...I think this is one of those cases.

 

[Gradivus]

How do I say no, politely?

"Sorry, but for reasons I'd rather not go into, it's just not a good time to have others living with us."

 

[Au Naturel]

So, my old neighbor from my old apartments moved out of state about a year ago with her husband and child. I hardly knew her. Honestly, I know her five year old much better than I know her.

Before she moved away we shared contact info.

I got a message yesterday afternoon, saying she was flying back to town with her daughter. We made small talk about getting together. Nothing big.

Then, yesterday evening I got a message asking if she could stay with us for a few days while she gets on her feet. From prior experience, that often means a few weeks to months. Especially since the conversation started with the fact they were visiting, but then turned quickly to looking for a place in town.

She is staying with someone right now, but she says her five year old is afraid of dogs, and they don't want to be there. I don't know why her husband isn't there. And I don't want to know the drama.

I feel for the little girl, but maybe it's time to learn dogs are safe and friendly.

And I don't have the resources or the emotional energy to have two boarders who I have barely spoken to, ever. They were "neighbors over the fence". Nice folks, but the only person in that house I ever spoke to was the little girl when she was playing outside. My daughter thought she was so cute and funny, and spent time with her.

The adults in that house drank a lot, fought a lot, and smoked a lot. Fine people, but bad tempers. The wife was sweet on her own.

Another thing I didn't mention is that we are going through a family crisis right now. There was a scary event yesterday afternoon, and my daughter could have been seriously injured.

I don't want to have them stay with me. But I feel for the little girl. How do I say no, politely?

Just say no. You're going thru a family crisis. End of discussion. If you really feel badly, look up a woman's shelter for her.

Not really my call to make but if I were in that situation, I'd be working on overcoming the child's fear of dogs. It is a fear that will handicap her in a world where dogs are beloved by so many and it will deprive her of the possibility of their unconditional affection.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

I just thought of this- maybe she's afraid of dogs, maybe they're both allergic? Maybe she's left her husband, and is in unfamiliar settings, and her little girl has nowhere to sleep or play?