Help for Dating Someone with High Functioning Autism

[LisaJoy]

Hi Everyone!

Tonight I had a first date with a man who disclosed to me on the date that he has Autism. I asked him if it was Asperger's syndrome and he said he didn't know. He is functional, drives and lives alone so Asperger's seemed like a likely fit. He misses social cues and social rules (like if you need to talk during a movie you use a hushed voice) but he isn't withdrawn or introverted. He talked a lot and fast, telling me that he also has ADHD.

I like him and want to go out with him again. I am trying to figure out how best to keep things comfortable and not awkward. Any ideas?

 

[livinggreen]

I think it's a great sign that he was open with his Autism or AS on the first date and I think that bears well for potential future dates. If you want to best keep things comfortable, communicate with him openly and don't expect him to pick up on nuance in a conversation. Be straight forward and honest and stay open and see how it goes. It's nice that you sought some guidance, you must like him. Good luck.

 

[anne.bc]

I am a high functioning Aspie engaged to a neurotypical... probably because he might secretly have AS as well (I can see some of my Aspie traits in him, and we're socially awkward to list a few things. lol).

I was about to hit submit before I started writing this part above the paragraph below but as soon as I reread your post, I have more to say since you're still in "early phase" with this guy: Don't worry about eye contact with him too much since it's something that's out of the comfort zones for a lot of Autistic people/ Aspies. It's almost as intimidating as talking on the phone in my opinion. Avoid using sarcasm in conversations unless he initiates it. Some of us take everything literally, and we speak/think literally because of it. I definitely take almost everything literally, but in recent years I have embraced the art of applying sarcasm in social settings thanks to lots of help from my fiance and the medical drama show House.

NOW, I know you've only just had your first date with this guy, but since I am in a committed relationship with a neurotypical I feel that I might as well bring up the "if you plan on getting serious" advice... just in case, ya know?:
As you get to know this person more, you'll learn more about what makes him awesome, and what you see as his "flaws" (I could go on for days with personal examples. Too many to pick just one or two). I have been with my guy for almost 7 years, beginning when we were just a few months from turning 19... so that gives you an idea of how much I have changed for the better in just a little under a decade thanks to him. I say this because if you stay with this guy, my advice could serve as an advantage as long as you have patience. The Spectrum can be a different language at times, but if you nudge us just right we'll listen and do something about "our flaws". Sometimes I learned the hard way (and I totally hated it until the new concepts grew on me, which is still happening to this day. I'm always growing up.), and some things were honestly maturity-related, since I am now 25 and "older and wiser". He cares, so I care. Makes sense, right? Don't be brutally honest to any degree unless you feel it could be productive and helpful because meltdowns suck, and I almost made it 6 months without one. Had my first one since September 22nd last wednesday. There are so many things that can trigger meltdowns that you would least expect, and harsh criticism is one of the biggest triggers for me at least. It's inevitable for sure, but there are lighter ways to be brutally honest with someone, like talking to them in privately instead of in front of a ton of people in a public setting and attempting to phrase what you want to say "gently".

Good luck, and if you need anything else, you can message me. Happy you came here to ask us!

 

[Peace]

I always appreciate when someone is straight to the point. I cannot guess at what people want, even if they give me clues. To me, anything people say is OK, as long as they say it nicely. I might also add, that if he seems like he does not want to see you at times, it probably has nothing to do with you, we often need alone time to regenerate.
Good Luck.

 

[DreamEagle]

He must be lucky to have you, and you are a very kind-hearted person for wanting to pursue something deeper with him. I would advise for you to just continue going out with him and do some activities that both of you may enjoy. Treat him just like you would treat any other human being, as that is all we seek, or at least for me personally, I just want to be treated fairly and with respect just like anybody else. Good luck and hope things work out swimmingly!

 

[nowwhat]

Gallows humor: Run like hell, or at least talk to my wife before you decide to continue.

I have spent deacades outside my comfort zone, and only recently have realized that I shouldn't have tried so hard. So much time doing things I didn't enjoy and going through the motions, guessing at rituals that I'm basically not capable of performing, trying to emulate and become like people I am really not like at all. Better I should have done what made me happy, what interested me, and what I am suited to and capable of. My point is: Really see who he is, and accept it. Can you accept it every day for the duration of the relationship? Do not expect him to change. It is unlikely, except in a few trivial ways.

You should plan on spelling things out for him. Virtually all of your nonverbal communication will go right by him. He probably will not know where he stands with you, even if you think you're making it clear. Aspies can be very very into thier love interests, and we can take breakups extremely hard. I personally have always had an embarrassingly difficult time getting over failed relationships.

 

[Athena]

I have High-Functioning Autism and my boyfriend's an NT. I am high-maintenance but he loves me and thinks the good far outweigh the 'bad' (my words not his, he loves everything about me). Whereas some of my autistic traits annoy me sometimes, he's said he likes them. While he doesn't like me having sensory issues because he sees my pain, he likes that I plan a lot and he likes my way of thinking, for example.

I think it's great your date was open about his autism. When you're further on in your dates, it'd be good to talk about it and ask him what kind of things he has trouble with. While there are many traits all of us share, it'll be good to hear how things are for him since every individual is different.

 

[BigfootBeliever]

All I can tell u is that at least he told u up front and was honest about it. My six year relationship with an aspie 47yo I met online tried to act "normal" by not showing his aspie traits..it lasted long enough to get me to fall in love with him. (plus he was a beast in bed ...lets just say god blessed him in ways to make up for his autistic ways..lol!! )
After the first three month his true self emerged randomly saying off the wall things.ob syndrome session with new toys etc.getting negative comments from family and friends that he looked like "he was gonna go postal" at any moment because his body language changed when we were around people..i didnt know about aspergers and communicated with him like everyone else and boy was it hard would fight every day he had many affairs behind my bac

k head drive by my house every almost every night to make sure I was home..towards the end of our relationship he told me that his mother told him in the past that he had aspergers...but he didnt believe her or believe in psych meds or treatment for any mental illnesses..then I started to learn about it and told him that he showed all the characteristics of aspergers and that there were ways to help him he just denied and denied...or relationship turned abusive,and very dysfunctional...in the end it wad amazing to me that he broke up with me by replacing me with another woman had her move in with him and got engaged within two months and its like I never existed and he lives like a block away and I have sen nor head from him in almost two years.

Well there it is all in a nutshell.the only thing I wished I could have done was known his challenge from the start.because I would have done things differently..and maybe wed still be together I miss his friendship and his intelligence.he played guitar for me and made them too..he was an extraordinary person frustrated by his genes and I worry and think about him often!

 

[code-e]

Aspies tend to tell the truth a lot. Sometimes, too much of the truth.

Sometimes we can misrepresent ourselves during social situations. For instance saying to the teacher, "I never do my homework" the teacher thought you were being a smart-ass but really you werne't trying to be one; you were just trying to tell the truth. If someone with Aspergers is shy, they may appear to be unfriendly to people because they don't talk very much.


Some aspies don't like to be touched.


We have trouble picking up non-verbal communication such as body language,facial expressions etc.. Its better to communicate with Aspies verbally. Most Aspies have a strong sense of vocabulary. If there is a problem, don't try to give hints. It is better to communicate verbally to someone with Asperger Syndrome

We have a somewhat impaired theory of mind. (we don't lack one.) This means that it is sometimes hard for Aspies to put themselves in other peoples shoes or comprehend how someone else might feel.



Not all people with Aspergers/High Functioning Autism have all of these. We do have strengths such as we are very intelligent, inquisitive, logic-based, and we have a good sense of humour even if it is sometimes odd. Many of us also have a very intense interest. (Half of the time, it is video games)

 

[Robet]

Hi Anne I have a few questions about aspergers and autism can you send me a message please

thanks,
Robert

 

[Val2]

He said he has autism but doesn't know what kind? That doesn't even make sense.. I didn't even read your post beyond that because that raised a red flag to me already.

 

[kaffeen]

Heya LisaJoy,

I am a neurotypical engaged to an Aspie's man, and I also have several friends with Aspies. Emotional/sexual relationships are difficult. Emotional/sexual relationships with someone with Asperger's Syndrome can be even more so. Having said that, they can also be the best, most honest, thoroughly enjoyable and emotionally rewarding, it just takes a little more work and a lot more communication.

 

[arthousesalem]

I am a high functioning Aspie engaged to a neurotypical... probably because he might secretly have AS as well (I can see some of my Aspie traits in him, and we're socially awkward to list a few things. lol).

I was about to hit submit before I started writing this part above the paragraph below but as soon as I reread your post, I have more to say since you're still in "early phase" with this guy: Don't worry about eye contact with him too much since it's something that's out of the comfort zones for a lot of Autistic people/ Aspies. It's almost as intimidating as talking on the phone in my opinion. Avoid using sarcasm in conversations unless he initiates it. Some of us take everything literally, and we speak/think literally because of it. I definitely take almost everything literally, but in recent years I have embraced the art of applying sarcasm in social settings thanks to lots of help from my fiance and the medical drama show House.

NOW, I know you've only just had your first date with this guy, but since I am in a committed relationship with a neurotypical I feel that I might as well bring up the "if you plan on getting serious" advice... just in case, ya know?:
As you get to know this person more, you'll learn more about what makes him awesome, and what you see as his "flaws" (I could go on for days with personal examples. Too many to pick just one or two). I have been with my guy for almost 7 years, beginning when we were just a few months from turning 19... so that gives you an idea of how much I have changed for the better in just a little under a decade thanks to him. I say this because if you stay with this guy, my advice could serve as an advantage as long as you have patience. The Spectrum can be a different language at times, but if you nudge us just right we'll listen and do something about "our flaws". Sometimes I learned the hard way (and I totally hated it until the new concepts grew on me, which is still happening to this day. I'm always growing up.), and some things were honestly maturity-related, since I am now 25 and "older and wiser". He cares, so I care. Makes sense, right? Don't be brutally honest to any degree unless you feel it could be productive and helpful because meltdowns suck, and I almost made it 6 months without one. Had my first one since September 22nd last wednesday. There are so many things that can trigger meltdowns that you would least expect, and harsh criticism is one of the biggest triggers for me at least. It's inevitable for sure, but there are lighter ways to be brutally honest with someone, like talking to them in privately instead of in front of a ton of people in a public setting and attempting to phrase what you want to say "gently".

Good luck, and if you need anything else, you can message me. Happy you came here to ask us!

I have meltdowns, they always leave me physically and mentally exhausted. I haven't out grown mine.

 

[Peace]

I have meltdowns, they always leave me physically and mentally exhausted. I haven't out grown mine.

You describe my life so well my dear. One would think you had lived it.
My arch enemy, Meltdown. I have battled this since I was too young to remember. At almost 50, my parents still mention my problem childhood. I have however made it my special interest and have devoted much of my life to winning this war. Although I still have occasional times of distress, I have largely overcome the day or days consuming meltdowns of the past. How I remember the chronic exhaustion, the numb of being spent, and I don't miss it a bit. There is no way of ridding yourself of this part of us, but there are much better ways to deal with the feelings and events that lead up to this. If you care, I would be happy to share what I have learned from all of this.
My wishes are with you.

 

[arthousesalem]

You describe my life so well my dear. One would think you had lived it.
My arch enemy, Meltdown. I have battled this since I was too young to remember. At almost 50, my parents still mention my problem childhood. I have however made it my special interest and have devoted much of my life to winning this war. Although I still have occasional times of distress, I have largely overcome the day or days consuming meltdowns of the past. How I remember the chronic exhaustion, the numb of being spent, and I don't miss it a bit. There is no way of ridding yourself of this part of us, but there are much better ways to deal with the feelings and events that lead up to this. If you care, I would be happy to share what I have learned from all of this.
My wishes are with you.

Thank you, I would you love to to share what you have learnt. I have been told that it's like a regress to when a toddle has a tantrum when I have a really severe meltdown. Last time I had a really big one was probably last year when I drove into the city and then couldn't leave to get home (GPS confused me, too much traffic & got disorientated... Bad combination). Minor meltdowns are more frequent (issues at work, ruined food when cooking, can't find my keys). The key one was resolved by hanging them in the same place. I remember thinking that my meltdowns were like a perpetual curse (old thinking), I don't think that anymore. I know that's my inability to cope, manage or control a situation.

 

[Cerulean]

Be careful with romantic expectations. All those rules we ladies been taught - it's acceptable and sometimes expected for men to open doors, pay for dates initially, make the first move, ask for dates - he may not be aware of or understand the logic behind it. As an aspie lady dating a maybe aspie man, I don't really *get* a lot of these concepts and they seem really dumb, so sometimes it causes my guy frustration. Your date will probably have his own code of conduct for dates and other social engagements and it may not look like what you expect, and he may have difficulty picking up on subtle cues. As long as he continues to be kind and interests you, it should be fine if you keep that in mind.

 

[Jambo_nick]

I have meltdowns, they always leave me physically and mentally exhausted. I haven't out grown mine.

I feel your pain here! Meltdowns or tantrums used to cause my family a lot of pain (no one else got to see them) but they will usually flare up if something goes fairly wrong. My way to get around this is to think of the route cause then figure out a solution. One notable example was when my suspension broke when leaving for work but rather than panic, I remembered the mechanic I used was just around the corner. I also phoned my work and explained what had happened and said I would be late for my shift. My boss agreed a shift slide instead of recording a lateness as the situation wasn't my fault and I got my car fixed that day for a decent price! Looking back I could've buried my head in the sand and avoided my work as I was very stressed but because I sucked it up and tried to fix the problem I ended up having a pretty decent day that day. It's amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it. If you have AS and the associated intelligence you are in a great position to effectively cure some of the down points! Most notably is we are problem solvers and we can use this to figure our way out of sticky situations.

 

[Maelstrom]

[QUOTE="LisaJoy, I like him and want to go out with him again. I am trying to figure out how best to keep things comfortable and not awkward. Any ideas?[/QUOTE]

Maelstrom enters the arena, crunch crunch, Aeeeey all the little mice run screaming for the hills a good entrance is manditory.

Hmm..well I'm a auspie both, on the plus side I can melt a glacier, the down side I will do it the day after you asked me. Time lag on everything reading people, saying yes, saying I love you, etcetera. However, we are seriously under estimated on stuff, if someone insulted me, even if I totally missed the remark, I will rewind and replay the tape down the line. Slow to process is not the same as stupid or gullible, we are often wicked smart. Because we are slow to process the outside world, figuring out too much new stuff, (people, surprise requests, etcetera), at one time can over load us. Look for a distracted dazed look and apparent loss of hearing. So in dating stay away from crowded places unless he is very familiar and comfortable with them. Walks in the park, or woods, sitting by the river watching it go by, picnics where you lay on the blanket and look for cloud animals, or going sailing, will go over well. Introduce the family and new life with you stuff in small bites and give him a few days to absorb and roll the new stuff around in his head so he feels comfortable with dealing with it. Ease into the romance stuff like you're getting into the hot springs and explain the why's and how toos in detail. We learn slower but we learn better.

 

[Dawn Pope]

oh my goodness I don't know what led me to think this guy I started hanging out with "i do not date" (his words) might have autism but I guess the lack of eye contact (which sucks because he has beautiful eyes)..he never wants to talk on the phone...answers just kinda freaks on me....and he hates to be touched. Always wants a kiss and a hug but literally removes my hands from him. Great in bed but don't touch me afterwards... texts me all the time...sometime inappropriate stuff but I kinda like it. He is a farmer and works till he drops runs several farms has no signs of any other issues just social problems. Think I will start dealing with this relationship a little differently now... he is wonderful and I don't want to lose him.... the not touching thing is killing me though will he ever get used to it ...and should I ask him...what if I am wrong or he does not accept or know...what to do...and I could be wrong...

 

[RidingDutchman]

oh my goodness I don't know what led me to think this guy I started hanging out with "i do not date" (his words) might have autism but I guess the lack of eye contact (which sucks because he has beautiful eyes)..he never wants to talk on the phone...answers just kinda freaks on me....and he hates to be touched. Always wants a kiss and a hug but literally removes my hands from him. Great in bed but don't touch me afterwards... texts me all the time...sometime inappropriate stuff but I kinda like it. He is a farmer and works till he drops runs several farms has no signs of any other issues just social problems. Think I will start dealing with this relationship a little differently now... he is wonderful and I don't want to lose him.... the not touching thing is killing me though will he ever get used to it ...and should I ask him...what if I am wrong or he does not accept or know...what to do...and I could be wrong...

Just keep it open and talk about it. I'm kinda oblivious for those things as well so i really appreciate it when my girlfriend tells me what bothers her. If you don't know why exactly he doesn't want it, maybe he has an explanation for it.

Ofcourse I can't talk for everybody and all aspies are different but I personally want her to tell me those things so we can work it out. Every action has a thought and every thought has a process, communication is key if you ask me. Even if we can be bad at it sometimes, best way to learn is to do it