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Hello

Discussion in 'Introduce Yourself' started by Jade Baggins-Clark, Jul 16, 2020.

  1. Jade Baggins-Clark

    Jade Baggins-Clark New Member

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    About 8 years ago I reached a real point in a life that's been filled with points. A cousins son had been diagnosed with Aspbergers and I looked it up, many things resonated with me and it was from here that I first read "Aspergirls" by Rudi Simone and my world just came crashing down. All those things I had found so overwhelming but had shut down myself about, all the ways I have continual struggle with in the world of people and had internalised it in the most terrible ways were written down. I was not just anxious, highly sensitive and depressed because I was a hopeless, alien fruitloop... it wrote my song, maybe there was a reason...

    I have been to several psychologists to help me with life in that period since, with my anxiety, my PTSD, sexual abuse, grief issues and my narcissistic mother and so on. I have mentioned it to them, but none of them have mentioned being tested.

    There are a million ways I have adapted to society, I learnt to talk with intonation and pauses, to not blurt, to get try to understand jokes and sarcasm, to not be so literal, to ask people how they are, to not go on and on about my grand passions, not internally freak out about lights and noises, textures, smells and social interaction, how I mimic other people to try and learn behaviour, to look people in the eye in a more relaxed way and to breathe through my constant generalised anxiety.. my meltdowns when I am overwhelmed or had to be "normal and social" for too long.... to the outworld I still seem to "out" myself (even on social media), and it's lonely, but to the psychologists (where I am very comfortable due to the amount of time I've spent in a counsellors/Psychologists room) I am too normal to fit into the stereotype.

    I hit the wall again the other day, I'm pretty sure I'm comfortably on the spectrum, I certainly scored highly when I've done any tests. I am trying to book into an Autism assessor, it won't change much, but it may just help me accept myself a little more and give myself a little more slack when I see people see me act in a way that "isn't seen as OK/Normal" but I've got no idea what I actually did wrong... Thanks for listening.
     
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2020
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  2. Giraffes

    Giraffes Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Hi and welcome, your 'discovery' echos mine i read a 'Tony Attwood' book to research for a job in the care sector and WOW i related to so much and puzzle pieces linked together, that was 15 years ago and despite 'professionals' ignoring my wish for a diagnosis i funded mine and yes i have Autism, depression, anxiety and low self esteem have shawdowed me being able to accept/love myself and embrace life and people, but since 'pandemic' i explored what my values are, what i like about myself, got into fitness and found ( due to a link from a member here) a meditation site that helps me, this forum is my community it accepts and supports and at 'low' points of any day i 'check in' and feel a little less anxious and alone, i hope you like it here.
     
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  3. Alexej

    Alexej Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Hi and Welcome to the Forums

    Glad you have found us
     
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  4. Jade Baggins-Clark

    Jade Baggins-Clark New Member

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    Thankyou
     
  5. Raggamuffin

    Raggamuffin Well-Known Member

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    It is quite profound when you read about spectrum traits and behaviours for the first time. It's like reading your best kept secrets and realising there's nothing to be ashamed of. I think it's the masking and hiding of Asperger's traits which is the most exhausting and depressing to maintain.

    I find therapists can be a mixed bag when it comes to wanting a diagnosis or assessment for Autism. I know 2 I've seen who have been rather dismissive. At the end of the day it's up to you to choose how to proceed.

    Work out if you feel an assessment would be in your best interests. Figure out what you hope to gain from one, and what you may wish to work on potentially improving in terms of day to day issues which might be addressed.

    At the end of the day, as you said it's about acceptance. Whether you have a diagnosis or not - you have to try and feel as comfortable and accepting of yourself as possible. Whilst you'll meet people who may or may not understand you - if you feel gradually better and improved in yourself, that's the biggest step you can make towards a happier life.

    I am on a waiting list for an Asperger's and ADHD assessment myself. Reading online about the spectrum, joining this forum and reading several books regarding the subject have overwhelmed me with closure and a new found understanding. I guess I want an assessment for a higher level of acceptance.

    Welcome to the forums.

    Ed
     
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  6. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    upload_2020-7-16_8-10-55.png
     
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  7. Magna

    Magna Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Welcome. Regardless of whether you receive a formal diagnosis or remain self-diagnosed you'll find support here. I echo what Giraffes said in that making routine exercise a part of my life has been a game changer for me probably most in the area of depression.
     
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  8. clg114

    clg114 Still crazy, after all these years. Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    Welcome to Autism Forums!
     
  9. Ezra

    Ezra Relax, it's just chaos.

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    Thank you for joining us here.
     
  10. Ella Spell

    Ella Spell Something

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    Welcome, Jade. I'm very familiar with everything you've written. It could be my story.

    I hope you feel right at home here.
     
  11. Karamazov

    Karamazov Well-Known Member

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    Good evening/whatever time if day it is where you are Jade.

    I too had the profound shock experience of reading through books and other resources on ASDs and recognising myself: well into adulthood and in my case after years of assuming everyone felt like I did... :p

    Hope you enjoy being here.

    Happy Thursday! :D
     
  12. BenderRodriguez

    BenderRodriguez Active Member

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    Hi and welcome to the forum - I too can relate to a lot of things in your OP and I agree with Magna that you'll find support here :)
     
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  13. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Hi and welcome, yes I read Tony Attwood as part of my work, but it got me thinking, and when I read texts about the different ways people socialised as women presented, including Aspergirls and other texts by women diagnosed late with Aspergers, I recognised myself.

    Glad you found us, and hope that you enjoy it here. Good name, are you part Hobbit?

    :sunflower::bee::sunflower::beetle::herb::cat:
     
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  14. HeroOfHyrule

    HeroOfHyrule Chicken Chaser

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    Hello and welcome to the forum!
     
  15. Thomas Yeow

    Thomas Yeow New Member

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    Wow, excluding the psychologist visits, which I've never had, I can emphatize with the entirety of this post. That feeling of revelation the first time you read about Aspergers, learning to talk normally, annoying everyone with your current obssession, being strongly affected by certain lights and sounds, melting down after acting normal for too long, and yet being considered normal by those around you...
    I used to think that male and female aspergers was markedly different.