Jade Baggins-Clark
New Member
About 8 years ago I reached a real point in a life that's been filled with points. A cousins son had been diagnosed with Aspbergers and I looked it up, many things resonated with me and it was from here that I first read "Aspergirls" by Rudi Simone and my world just came crashing down. All those things I had found so overwhelming but had shut down myself about, all the ways I have continual struggle with in the world of people and had internalised it in the most terrible ways were written down. I was not just anxious, highly sensitive and depressed because I was a hopeless, alien fruitloop... it wrote my song, maybe there was a reason...
I have been to several psychologists to help me with life in that period since, with my anxiety, my PTSD, sexual abuse, grief issues and my narcissistic mother and so on. I have mentioned it to them, but none of them have mentioned being tested.
There are a million ways I have adapted to society, I learnt to talk with intonation and pauses, to not blurt, to get try to understand jokes and sarcasm, to not be so literal, to ask people how they are, to not go on and on about my grand passions, not internally freak out about lights and noises, textures, smells and social interaction, how I mimic other people to try and learn behaviour, to look people in the eye in a more relaxed way and to breathe through my constant generalised anxiety.. my meltdowns when I am overwhelmed or had to be "normal and social" for too long.... to the outworld I still seem to "out" myself (even on social media), and it's lonely, but to the psychologists (where I am very comfortable due to the amount of time I've spent in a counsellors/Psychologists room) I am too normal to fit into the stereotype.
I hit the wall again the other day, I'm pretty sure I'm comfortably on the spectrum, I certainly scored highly when I've done any tests. I am trying to book into an Autism assessor, it won't change much, but it may just help me accept myself a little more and give myself a little more slack when I see people see me act in a way that "isn't seen as OK/Normal" but I've got no idea what I actually did wrong... Thanks for listening.
I have been to several psychologists to help me with life in that period since, with my anxiety, my PTSD, sexual abuse, grief issues and my narcissistic mother and so on. I have mentioned it to them, but none of them have mentioned being tested.
There are a million ways I have adapted to society, I learnt to talk with intonation and pauses, to not blurt, to get try to understand jokes and sarcasm, to not be so literal, to ask people how they are, to not go on and on about my grand passions, not internally freak out about lights and noises, textures, smells and social interaction, how I mimic other people to try and learn behaviour, to look people in the eye in a more relaxed way and to breathe through my constant generalised anxiety.. my meltdowns when I am overwhelmed or had to be "normal and social" for too long.... to the outworld I still seem to "out" myself (even on social media), and it's lonely, but to the psychologists (where I am very comfortable due to the amount of time I've spent in a counsellors/Psychologists room) I am too normal to fit into the stereotype.
I hit the wall again the other day, I'm pretty sure I'm comfortably on the spectrum, I certainly scored highly when I've done any tests. I am trying to book into an Autism assessor, it won't change much, but it may just help me accept myself a little more and give myself a little more slack when I see people see me act in a way that "isn't seen as OK/Normal" but I've got no idea what I actually did wrong... Thanks for listening.
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