Hello.

[Baeraad]

Well, I've already been posting around a bit and gotten to meet some people, but I guess I should make this official. So... hi, I'm Daniel. I'm 38 years old and have had an Aspergers diagnosis since I was about 30. I really struggled before then, because I just couldn't get my life together and I couldn't figure out why, so it felt like I was just being stupid and lazy. Having an AS diagnosis has allowed me to be on a special work program that allows me to hold a job and live at least a rudimentary life.

I've often felt like I kind of fail at being autistic, because there's this idea that it's supposed to mean being a hyper-intelligent tech-nerd who might be having some trouble with social niceties but is amazing at everything that doesn't involve people. I don't feel like I'm particularly amazing at anything - barely competent is about as high as I get when I really apply myself - and I have trouble even seeing the point of anything that doesn't involve people, while at the same time finding it draining and complicated to interact with them. I don't even have one of those super-focused interests that I know everything about. I do get really into things for short bursts of time, and I can memorise details pretty well when I apply myself, but I quickly get bored again and move on to the next momentary obsession.

I don't feel like my life is going so great at the moment (you can see this post for most of the wangsty details), and I've been feeling more and more that I have to do something to get out of the rut I've gotten myself stuck in. I thought perhaps hanging around this forum for a bit might be good as a part of that. I could use some new influences and perspectives.

 

[Loren]

Welcome to the forum. I haven't read the post you've linked, as of yet, but hope things begin to turn around for you/ 'your life', very soon.

edit: Perhaps you'd care to join us in the games sub-forum... welcome, again!

 

[Nitro]

Hi Daniel

 

[Baeraad]

edit: Perhaps you'd care to join us in the games sub-forum... welcome, again!

As per Misery's suggestion in the other thread, you mean? I'm mulling it over. Not sure what I want to say. I suppose I could just ask if there are any roleplayers in the house?

 

[clg114]

Welcome to Autism Forums!

 

[Loren]

As per Misery's suggestion in the other thread, you mean? I'm mulling it over. Not sure what I want to say. I suppose I could just ask if there are any roleplayers in the house?

I am not aware of the thread you're referring to, so cannot be sure. There is a section of the forum devoted to various types of games, such as word games and other sorts of games. I don't role-play, so I'm not familiar with those threads, myself, but as you've mentioned, perhaps Misery, or others who role-play, or one of the moderators, particularly, tree, since she knows the games forum backwards and forwards, could direct you.

 

[Pats]

Hi Baeraad and welcome officially. You don't have to be a super nerd to be autistic. Actually when aspergers and autism were 2 separate diagnosis' the 2 major differences was with aspergers you had the higher IQ and you were verbal at an earlier age, whereas with autism you didn't have the above average IQ and spoke at a later age. You don't have to be anything but yourself to win at being autistic. If there is a win.

 

[grimmy]

Welcome to the forums.

Most here are quite helpful so don't be afraid to ask.

 

[tree]

 

[Rectify]

hi, I'm Daniel

Welcome

You don't have to be anything but yourself to win at being autistic.

I think Pats is right. But I understand that thinking or knowing something and really feeling something can be different. So I'm going to address a couple of things you said below.

I've often felt like I kind of fail at being autistic

I've felt that too! I'm so-so at a lot of stuff Then again, sometimes it's hard to see your own strengths. Perhaps you just haven't recognised yours - and if they aren't the stereotypical ones then it makes it hard to pick up on them.

I have trouble even seeing the point of anything that doesn't involve people, while at the same time finding it draining and complicated to interact with them

Do you mean that your interests naturally involve others? I also find people draining but that is because most of them aren't close enough that I don't have to do a lot of thinking about what to do, what to say etc etc... Most of my favourite activities do not involve others and I've had to push myself to go out and take part in those solo activities with other people in order to try and make friends. To mixed success to be honest but that's another discussion.

I don't even have one of those super-focused interests that I know everything about. I do get really into things for short bursts of time, and I can memorise details pretty well when I apply myself, but I quickly get bored again and move on to the next momentary obsession.

I don't either but eventually I realised that all my life I'd had an array of interests that I rotated. Whatever my main focus is I am very focused on, but after a short time it might be put away for a while for some other interest. Even when it gets put aside though, it can and does come back later. Do you find your previous interests come back at some time?

If not, maybe yours are just different, shorter, like you said. Or maybe you're still exploring them. You're only young at thirty (Edit: I just realised you're 38, my apologies). Plus, we're living in a world geared for short focus now too.

 

[Baeraad]

I've felt that too! I'm so-so at a lot of stuff Then again, sometimes it's hard to see your own strengths. Perhaps you just haven't recognised yours - and if they aren't the stereotypical ones then it makes it hard to pick up on them.

Well, I have been repeatedly diagnosed with (and told by regular people that I have) abnormally low self-esteem. To which my immediate reaction is always, "yes, but isn't low self-esteem a very natural reaction to not being very good at anything?" But I'll admit that I may find it hard to be objective about my strengths and weaknesses.

Do you mean that your interests naturally involve others? I also find people draining but that is because most of them aren't close enough that I don't have to do a lot of thinking about what to do, what to say etc etc... Most of my favourite activities do not involve others and I've had to push myself to go out and take part in those solo activities with other people in order to try and make friends. To mixed success to be honest but that's another discussion.

It's more like... people are what I'm interested in. Most of my interests are ones I pursue alone, but even those are all about human expression (like reading fiction - you do it alone, but the story you're reading is about people and feelings and relationships). And I never feel like I've properly done something until I've gotten to tell someone about it, and heard what other people who have done it made of it. In a sense, reading a book for me is not the main event, it's a necessary preparation for talking about the book.

I mean, it's not like I need to go out and mingle every day. In fact, I have very limited energy for socialising. I'm fine and more than fine being alone for days on end. But I also need regular (let's say, on a weekly basis) and thorough connections to other people, or else I feel like I'm just withering away into nothing from sheer irrelevance.

I don't either but eventually I realised that all my life I'd had an array of interests that I rotated. Whatever my main focus is I am very focused on, but after a short time it might be put away for a while for some other interest. Even when it gets put aside though, it can and does come back later. Do you find your previous interests come back at some time?

Hmm, some of them - the ones that really resonate with me, I guess. Like, sometimes I read all the time, sometimes I don't crack a book in months, sometimes I'm all up in roleplaying and it's the greatest thing ever, sometimes I can't remember why I devote so much time to all that bother... So I guess I'm a little like you, there.

 

[SusanLR]

Welcome Daniel.

I understand the urge to tell someone about things your read, see or learn.
I feel the same way, but, the only person I have much contact with is my house share partner
who doesn't care about what I want to share or talk about.

I don't have any real life friends. Yet I have to get out several times a week also or depression and
anxiety about going out sets in. My mind just starts saying it's easier to stay isolated and do what
I want alone. I do have several special interests that rotate with me too.

 

[Rectify]

Argh. Self-esteem issues. Such a hard nut to crack! It does suggest you may be too hard on yourself, though, right? Sometimes I like to pretend I am a friend of mine, instead of..well, me. I imagine what I would say or suggest if I was talking to my friend instead of thinking about my own situation. I find it much easier to be supportive and objective that way.

my immediate reaction is always, "yes, but isn't low self-esteem a very natural reaction to not being very good at anything?"

I know hahaha

I think I understand your situation now in relation to other people. I guess it's pretty important for you to keep spending time out on a regular basis, and building relationships. Probably could be said of most of us, but I think some more/less than others.

So I guess I'm a little like you, there.

Yes, but more important is that there are a variety of ways that special interests seem to manifest and play out in members here. So..welcome - you are great at being autistic