Been lurking (on the forum) and learning (about myself and much more) for a little while now.
I was 'officially' diagnosed with ADD and Bipolar w/ Psychosis (been through a couple periods of pretty severe delusions and isolation, always seemed to 'bounce back' after a little bit of re/de-fragging? usually involving sobriety, better sleep and exercising, and different environmental stimuli [which usually included different people/places/things]) in my late teens.
After reading further into the 'eccentric' behavior of some of my hero's (and not-so hero's), I began to see striking similarities... This naturally led to even more research, which inevitably led me to a deeper dive into ASD.
The stars seemed to align. Developmental delays, not looking nor being concerned with other people during my early years (0-3ish, still don't see much benefit in 'fitting in'), as well as constant ear infections, late talker, speech impediment due to motor skill dysfunction; was always more a pattern-mind (would line my toy soldiers up and give various 'hit-points' and 'attack-points' [thank you video games for the idea!] to determine the outcome, rather than making machine-gun noises and the like); social struggle and ineptitude during my earlier years, and various degrees of (ongoing) social confusion that inevitably lead to bouts of paranoia as I am unable to discern between people's motives, cumulating into what was effectively a brash young man in hopes of gaining and maintaining social status (4-current); seemingly hyper focus on certain subjects throughout my life (always); struggle with emotional regulation (always); matter-of-fact, logical mentality and attitude (always); inability to plan/goal at a younger age (up until my mid-late 20's); struggle with change (always); friendships, always fiercely deep, myself possessing a deep sense of loyalty and basically a family-like attachment towards them, always started and stopped with a small handful of individuals (2-4 tops)... the list goes on.
That is not to say that who/what I am is all bad (I do not mean this in any offensive manner, I am simply explaining my past via personal perspective). I read at a very young age (4ish), as well as reading multiple grades above my reading level throughout elementary school. I memorized my time's tables to the point of discouraging opponents during our weekly chalk-board division/multiplication competitions in 4th grade (I'm sorry, I didn't know I was hurting anyone's feelings until it hit me like a rock recently. I didn't mean to make anyone feel bad!) I've always tested well, in just about anything. I've done very well in fantasy football for the past few years (first year off in many in hopes of turning that focus towards stocks/understanding the business world, coupled with parenthood and starting school again, I don't have the time nor energy needed for proper devotion to the hobby) despite not watching more than a few qtr's of play per year, for the past 3 years, every year (am I clarifying too much? I'm a little self-conscious here...).
I am still debating seeking a formal diagnosis. I am yet to see what possible benefits this could provide, seeing as the whole current state of assistance provided to adults is... well, lacking.
I am here, well, because I find myself struggling in life again. Work is tough. I have found myself being the odd-man (not the first time). This is not to say that perhaps I do not deserve some of this (I have made many mistakes at my work, I have short periods of being a little too open and honest about my past, and effectively embellishing things during conversation... I do not know why I do this. I know that many [if not all] people remember things differently than reality, as well as recently learning that our brains naturally overweight the negative than the positive [thanks Evolution! and Kahneman for pointing this out to me]. This is something I am attempting to reconcile. How do people hold normal conversations with others at a consistent rate during social interactions with standard 'How was your weekend', talk?).
Anyways. Hope all is well with anyone reading. Thank you for your time and consideration.
I was 'officially' diagnosed with ADD and Bipolar w/ Psychosis (been through a couple periods of pretty severe delusions and isolation, always seemed to 'bounce back' after a little bit of re/de-fragging? usually involving sobriety, better sleep and exercising, and different environmental stimuli [which usually included different people/places/things]) in my late teens.
After reading further into the 'eccentric' behavior of some of my hero's (and not-so hero's), I began to see striking similarities... This naturally led to even more research, which inevitably led me to a deeper dive into ASD.
The stars seemed to align. Developmental delays, not looking nor being concerned with other people during my early years (0-3ish, still don't see much benefit in 'fitting in'), as well as constant ear infections, late talker, speech impediment due to motor skill dysfunction; was always more a pattern-mind (would line my toy soldiers up and give various 'hit-points' and 'attack-points' [thank you video games for the idea!] to determine the outcome, rather than making machine-gun noises and the like); social struggle and ineptitude during my earlier years, and various degrees of (ongoing) social confusion that inevitably lead to bouts of paranoia as I am unable to discern between people's motives, cumulating into what was effectively a brash young man in hopes of gaining and maintaining social status (4-current); seemingly hyper focus on certain subjects throughout my life (always); struggle with emotional regulation (always); matter-of-fact, logical mentality and attitude (always); inability to plan/goal at a younger age (up until my mid-late 20's); struggle with change (always); friendships, always fiercely deep, myself possessing a deep sense of loyalty and basically a family-like attachment towards them, always started and stopped with a small handful of individuals (2-4 tops)... the list goes on.
That is not to say that who/what I am is all bad (I do not mean this in any offensive manner, I am simply explaining my past via personal perspective). I read at a very young age (4ish), as well as reading multiple grades above my reading level throughout elementary school. I memorized my time's tables to the point of discouraging opponents during our weekly chalk-board division/multiplication competitions in 4th grade (I'm sorry, I didn't know I was hurting anyone's feelings until it hit me like a rock recently. I didn't mean to make anyone feel bad!) I've always tested well, in just about anything. I've done very well in fantasy football for the past few years (first year off in many in hopes of turning that focus towards stocks/understanding the business world, coupled with parenthood and starting school again, I don't have the time nor energy needed for proper devotion to the hobby) despite not watching more than a few qtr's of play per year, for the past 3 years, every year (am I clarifying too much? I'm a little self-conscious here...).
I am still debating seeking a formal diagnosis. I am yet to see what possible benefits this could provide, seeing as the whole current state of assistance provided to adults is... well, lacking.
I am here, well, because I find myself struggling in life again. Work is tough. I have found myself being the odd-man (not the first time). This is not to say that perhaps I do not deserve some of this (I have made many mistakes at my work, I have short periods of being a little too open and honest about my past, and effectively embellishing things during conversation... I do not know why I do this. I know that many [if not all] people remember things differently than reality, as well as recently learning that our brains naturally overweight the negative than the positive [thanks Evolution! and Kahneman for pointing this out to me]. This is something I am attempting to reconcile. How do people hold normal conversations with others at a consistent rate during social interactions with standard 'How was your weekend', talk?).
Anyways. Hope all is well with anyone reading. Thank you for your time and consideration.
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