Good Morning:
My name is Shae, and I am seeking advice and support regarding the inconsistent and unpredictable relationship I've had with my (undiagnosed) Aspie ex-boyfriend for 24 years.
We met in college (we attended neighboring schools, not the same one) during the summer of 1996, and it was a beautiful, albeit unconventional and short-lived courtship. From a logical standpoint, it seemed he was interested (he drove over an hour to pick me up for our dates) and he was always on time, cordial and chivalrous. We were very young (I was 18, and he was 19), so we had no prior dating experience, and I thought his awkwardness in conversation, not holding my hand and making little eye contact was due to nervousness and inexperience. However, it heightened my insecurity about my own self-image and I began to question whether he really thought I was attractive and if it would last past summer.
My birthday came, and I invited him to group gathering to see how he'd interact with me when we were around other people (our previous dates had been park walks and long drives, where we were alone). This ended up being a very bad idea. During introductions, he complimented the hairstyle of a friend of mine, and I thought he was trying to flirt with her in front of me. I went ballistic (I am a recently self-diagnosed neurotic) and stormed off, leaving him looking bewildered. I stonewalled him for a week or two, then he finally called and asked if we could meet up. I agreed, but I was still seething, angry and offended by what I perceived as an egregious wrong.
When we met up, he just stared at me, shaking his head in confusion, but he never verbally asked me what was wrong or tried to comfort me, which upset me even more--I felt he didn't care enough. Finally, he concluded that since it seemed we were breaking up, we should kiss goodbye, which I thought was nutty and refused. We parted ways, and I assumed that would be the last time I saw him.
Obviously not, right?
In the fall of 1997, I randomly encountered him at one of the parks we used to frequent. I was with a friend and noticed him staring in my direction through sunglasses, so I bounced over to him excitedly, glad to see him. I wasn't really thinking about what had happened before. He seemed shocked that I'd joined a sorority (I was wearing an indicator) and said he liked my hair (same hairstyle my friend had the summer before--go figure, it really was just about hair), but after that it got awkward again, and we went our separate ways, with me thinking that would be the last time I saw him.
Not exactly.
After a really painful two-year relationship ended for me in the Spring of '99, I had matured and realized how much I missed him and how well he'd treated me and respected me, so I reached back out to him and he agreed to meet up and catch up with me, which gave me hope. Well, he hardly looked me in the eye, and when I casually asked him how he'd been, he said he'd met a woman and was engaged and moving to New York to marry her after graduation. I was floored and devastated, but I acted like it didn't bother me much, trying to be tough. I said I still wanted to keep in touch and be friends, but when I called him again a few days later, his sister answered the phone and told him it was me, and I heard him say he wasn't available to come to the phone. I cried for three days straight, non-stop, for what I had stupidly lost, and thought he was out of my life forever.
Until 2010, that is.
He friend-requested me on Facebook, but he initially said nothing with the request, so I thought it was no big deal. When I congratulated him upon finding out he'd become a pastor (I posted on his wall), he dm'd me saying that it meant a lot coming from me. I didn't continue the conversation, since I was in an abusive relationship at the time and trying to come out of it.
After my annulment, I invited him to be on a radio show I hosted, and he agreed, but then cancelled due to a funeral obligation. I never rescheduled with him, thinking it was best to just leave it alone. In 2012, he got married and gushed about how happy he was with his new wife on Facebook for about 10 months, then it was like she dropped off the face of the earth--never mentioned again. (Years later, I found out through research that he initiated the divorce after one year of marriage, and it went back and forth between reconciliation and reset for two additional years until it was finally disposed).
In 2015, I got engaged to another guy whom I really believed was "the one," and I finally decided it was time for closure with my long-lost ex-, so I told him why I'd gotten upset on my birthday after almost twenty years--this was by email. He emailed back that it cleared up the confusion he had about our past relationship and that he'd like to talk more, if I was interested. I told him I just couldn't do it; too emotionally hard for me. I did say he might see me at his church one day.
And three years later in 2018, that's exactly what happened.
My marriage became divisive and domestically violent for a myriad of reasons, and I reached out to my ex- for prayer and support, NOTHING more, although I was pining for emotional comfort from the abuse, which he could not give. I showed up at the church unexpectedly, and he prayed with me but seemed nervous about my presence and ESPECIALLY uncomfortable when I gave him a gratitude hug and kisses him on the cheek. I thought it was because I was still married, but now I feel there were some sensory issues stemming from the way he acted back in '96. I ended up getting a job and moving where the church was for a year to separate from my then-spouse, but I didn't see my ex- outside of the church, as it would have been inappropriate.
Once my divorce was final, I told him I'd decided to return to my hometown, hoping he'd object, but he wished me well. All through the years, he's initiated very little in conversation without prompting by me. I've returned to visit a couple of times since I left, and on New Year's we hugged and talked a while--he seemed glad to see me.
Since COVID-19, we've discussed our relationship somewhat--past and present--and he's adamantly opposed to anything romantic--he says he has no desire or interest at all. I don't know if it's just toward me, or if he's aromantic altogether. I want us to start over and have another chance--even if it's just quasi-platonic like before, but it's delicate to broach and I don't want to get rejected. I'm sure this is one of the longest posts that's ever been written, and I apologize for the length, but I've never come out with all of this before, and it's actually cathartic to write about it. If I send him a message requesting a response, he'll usually give one (not always), but if not, he's silent. I thought he'd blocked me at one point, but he said he hadn't, so now I know he's just ignoring calls and texts sometimes. I also emailed him a book recommendation about a pastor who has Asperger's, but since they don't usually get hints, I doubt he'll make the connection.
Any advice would be helpful. Thank you.
My name is Shae, and I am seeking advice and support regarding the inconsistent and unpredictable relationship I've had with my (undiagnosed) Aspie ex-boyfriend for 24 years.
We met in college (we attended neighboring schools, not the same one) during the summer of 1996, and it was a beautiful, albeit unconventional and short-lived courtship. From a logical standpoint, it seemed he was interested (he drove over an hour to pick me up for our dates) and he was always on time, cordial and chivalrous. We were very young (I was 18, and he was 19), so we had no prior dating experience, and I thought his awkwardness in conversation, not holding my hand and making little eye contact was due to nervousness and inexperience. However, it heightened my insecurity about my own self-image and I began to question whether he really thought I was attractive and if it would last past summer.
My birthday came, and I invited him to group gathering to see how he'd interact with me when we were around other people (our previous dates had been park walks and long drives, where we were alone). This ended up being a very bad idea. During introductions, he complimented the hairstyle of a friend of mine, and I thought he was trying to flirt with her in front of me. I went ballistic (I am a recently self-diagnosed neurotic) and stormed off, leaving him looking bewildered. I stonewalled him for a week or two, then he finally called and asked if we could meet up. I agreed, but I was still seething, angry and offended by what I perceived as an egregious wrong.
When we met up, he just stared at me, shaking his head in confusion, but he never verbally asked me what was wrong or tried to comfort me, which upset me even more--I felt he didn't care enough. Finally, he concluded that since it seemed we were breaking up, we should kiss goodbye, which I thought was nutty and refused. We parted ways, and I assumed that would be the last time I saw him.
Obviously not, right?
In the fall of 1997, I randomly encountered him at one of the parks we used to frequent. I was with a friend and noticed him staring in my direction through sunglasses, so I bounced over to him excitedly, glad to see him. I wasn't really thinking about what had happened before. He seemed shocked that I'd joined a sorority (I was wearing an indicator) and said he liked my hair (same hairstyle my friend had the summer before--go figure, it really was just about hair), but after that it got awkward again, and we went our separate ways, with me thinking that would be the last time I saw him.
Not exactly.
After a really painful two-year relationship ended for me in the Spring of '99, I had matured and realized how much I missed him and how well he'd treated me and respected me, so I reached back out to him and he agreed to meet up and catch up with me, which gave me hope. Well, he hardly looked me in the eye, and when I casually asked him how he'd been, he said he'd met a woman and was engaged and moving to New York to marry her after graduation. I was floored and devastated, but I acted like it didn't bother me much, trying to be tough. I said I still wanted to keep in touch and be friends, but when I called him again a few days later, his sister answered the phone and told him it was me, and I heard him say he wasn't available to come to the phone. I cried for three days straight, non-stop, for what I had stupidly lost, and thought he was out of my life forever.
Until 2010, that is.
He friend-requested me on Facebook, but he initially said nothing with the request, so I thought it was no big deal. When I congratulated him upon finding out he'd become a pastor (I posted on his wall), he dm'd me saying that it meant a lot coming from me. I didn't continue the conversation, since I was in an abusive relationship at the time and trying to come out of it.
After my annulment, I invited him to be on a radio show I hosted, and he agreed, but then cancelled due to a funeral obligation. I never rescheduled with him, thinking it was best to just leave it alone. In 2012, he got married and gushed about how happy he was with his new wife on Facebook for about 10 months, then it was like she dropped off the face of the earth--never mentioned again. (Years later, I found out through research that he initiated the divorce after one year of marriage, and it went back and forth between reconciliation and reset for two additional years until it was finally disposed).
In 2015, I got engaged to another guy whom I really believed was "the one," and I finally decided it was time for closure with my long-lost ex-, so I told him why I'd gotten upset on my birthday after almost twenty years--this was by email. He emailed back that it cleared up the confusion he had about our past relationship and that he'd like to talk more, if I was interested. I told him I just couldn't do it; too emotionally hard for me. I did say he might see me at his church one day.
And three years later in 2018, that's exactly what happened.
My marriage became divisive and domestically violent for a myriad of reasons, and I reached out to my ex- for prayer and support, NOTHING more, although I was pining for emotional comfort from the abuse, which he could not give. I showed up at the church unexpectedly, and he prayed with me but seemed nervous about my presence and ESPECIALLY uncomfortable when I gave him a gratitude hug and kisses him on the cheek. I thought it was because I was still married, but now I feel there were some sensory issues stemming from the way he acted back in '96. I ended up getting a job and moving where the church was for a year to separate from my then-spouse, but I didn't see my ex- outside of the church, as it would have been inappropriate.
Once my divorce was final, I told him I'd decided to return to my hometown, hoping he'd object, but he wished me well. All through the years, he's initiated very little in conversation without prompting by me. I've returned to visit a couple of times since I left, and on New Year's we hugged and talked a while--he seemed glad to see me.
Since COVID-19, we've discussed our relationship somewhat--past and present--and he's adamantly opposed to anything romantic--he says he has no desire or interest at all. I don't know if it's just toward me, or if he's aromantic altogether. I want us to start over and have another chance--even if it's just quasi-platonic like before, but it's delicate to broach and I don't want to get rejected. I'm sure this is one of the longest posts that's ever been written, and I apologize for the length, but I've never come out with all of this before, and it's actually cathartic to write about it. If I send him a message requesting a response, he'll usually give one (not always), but if not, he's silent. I thought he'd blocked me at one point, but he said he hadn't, so now I know he's just ignoring calls and texts sometimes. I also emailed him a book recommendation about a pastor who has Asperger's, but since they don't usually get hints, I doubt he'll make the connection.
Any advice would be helpful. Thank you.
