• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Hello - Parents struggling with adult who has Asperger's

Kathilliana

New Member
Hello everyone.

I joined this forum to see if I could get some guidance on how to help our 20-year old.

Some details: Our son (I'm the step-mother,) mostly lives with us and sees his mother a couple of days a week.

The good:

Our son is unusual in that he's extremely social; polite, well-mannered, outgoing, charming, makes friends easily, etc. He can (and does,) make friends while sitting at the airport terminal, waiting to get on the plane.

He's also incredibly smart, but typical in that he is only willing to apply himself when he's interested in a topic/goal.

The bad:

All of his positive characteristics are generally saved for people who are not us. With us he is verbally abusive, quick to meltdown, openly hostile, destructive of our property, disrespectful of ownership and has no interest in his future.

The claims are that he wants to graduate high school, he wants to get a job and he wants to learn to drive. We see no evidence that these are actual goals; we believe he is only trying to placate us.

He is 100% dependent on us for everything but sees no need to follow our basic house rules. Any request to discuss the issue leads to a nearly instant meltdown, which generally means something gets broken. (Last week's casualty was a ramekin filled with sauce, because we wanted to discuss his getting a part time job for the summer.)

He is self-medicating, but in a dangerous way. He drinks far too much caffeine, to the point where he has to take a pill (he uses Benadryl) to help him sleep. He also smokes a lot of pot, which he claims helps him, but all it does is help him forget that he has responsibilities. Whereas he used to mostly remember to do his chores (he has very few of them,) he now almost never remembers.

We need help

Though he was diagnosed around two years old, and the school system claimed, year after year that they will do XYZ, THIS time, to help him, the help has been nearly non existent. There is absolutely no authority in his life who is willing to hold him accountable to anything, except for us. (Not even his mother, really, but that's a different story.) This has led him to believe that nobody will ever hold him accountable, and he should just keep on doing what he's always done and everything will be fine.

It has gotten much, much worse in the last year and we are starting to get concerned that he will never do anything he doesn't want to do.

We are actively looking for a psychiatrist, a psychologist or a behavioral/occupational therapist to help him. I've contacted dozens and have a hard time even getting a phone call or email returned.

We were able to get him into a psychiatrist about a month ago, but that visit was terrible. He can be extremely charming, and he's a really good liar, so the psychiatrist just told my husband that there's nothing wrong with him and maybe he needs a therapist, but he didn't really see why.

Any guidance you can provide on resources for adults would be appreciated. We feel like there is nowhere to turn and we are going to leave this planet with him not knowing any of the basics on how to take care of himself. We want to teach him to cook, to fold laundry, to learn how to clean a toilet, etc., but he only pretends to listen and refuses to practice.

I'd also appreciate a good resource on how to set boundaries for a very stubborn adult who is constantly claiming his adulthood status as a reason he doesn't need any guidance from us.

Everything with him is, "Message received, now I get it, this time I really, really mean it, I'll show you this time, Yes, I need to do that, etc." There has been follow through in the past, but how it's nearly non-existent.

Thank you.
 
All children adapt their behavior to their environment. They learn that there are different rules of behavior at school, in public, at home, at home when there's a babysitter, etc. This isn't good or evil - it's just the human brain in action.

It appears that your son has learned very different rules for what he can get away with at home vs other places. You recognize that you need the "home rules" to more closely follow the "other rules", and that you need help setting boundaries. Would you be willing to consider counseling for changing your behavior?

Please understand that I'm not suggesting that as a way to point a finger of blame. I'm suggesting it because of two solid truths about relationships that I learned from a counselor:

1) The person who cares the least about an issue has the most power.
If a boy wants to date a girl and the girl doesn't really care for the boy, the girl has all the power and the boy has to make all the effort. If the husband doesn't care about a clean kitchen and the wife does, then the wife will end up cleaning the kitchen every time. If there are more people buying houses than there are people selling them, then the sellers have all the power.

In your case, you care more about your son's independence than he does. This gives him all the power and you are clearly suffering from it. Counseling will help you find ways to take some of that power back.
2) The only thing you can change is yourself.
You can't change other people. The only thing you can change is the way you interact with them. Often, we get caught in cycles of behavior where reactions enforce actions, and what is needed is a change.

In your case, you know you need things to change, but you don't know what you can do about it. A counselor may be able to help you explore other ways to interact with and react to your son's behavior.
Finding a good counselor to help you is not a sign of guilt, incompetence, or blame. Consider it a pragmatic way to explore exactly what is in your power to change.

If a counselor is too expensive, you may try calling Social Services in your area - a phone call is all it takes and the worst they can say is no.
 
Hi Nervous Rex. I really think that getting access to mental health professionals is our biggest challenge. They don't return phone calls nor respond to emails. I have only spoken to three live people since November.

One was the visit I explained, and the other two never returned the calls after promising they would.

I need a good source where we can read these things, because access to a live person seems unlikely.
 
Hello & welcome.
At 20, he is already pretty established in his ways.
he was diagnosed around two years old,...
Has anyone rated his severity level (by DSM5 standards)? In lieu of that, has his mental age been established? Is he receiving SSI?
He can be extremely charming, and he's a really good liar,...
That is not a typical autistic trait.

If you are convinced that he still on the spectrum, the best thing that you can do, now, is learn about autism and get into his head. (Added benefit, he may become less defensive when you do that.)

Finding Support Resources in the USA...
 
Last edited:
I would consider family counseling. It would help everyone better deal with a difficult situation. Also, you will all be present so you can give your point of view.
 
@Crossbreed - thank you for the resources. I've been reading.

Honestly, I wish counseling was an option. We're trying, desperately, to find one. I cannot get them to call me back, let alone schedule a visit. There simply do not appear to be any resources available for us locally.

I had one psychologist assistant return a call three weeks ago. I explained the situation, similarly to what I did in my OP, and she said, "I believe you and I think the doctor will find this an extremely interesting case. I will discuss with him tomorrow and call you right back. You clearly need some help."

Not a peep since. I called back and left a message, twice.

We are so frustrated.
 
Although I've made many mistakes in life, so buyer beware, my inclination is to tell you to send the kid to live with his mother.

At some point he might come crawling back to you... or maybe not. He needs to know just how good he has had it living there. And there is no way he will learn that without something to compare it to.
 
The charming outside, devil inside sounds like PDA (pathological demand avoidance), which is a new symptom being associated with the spectrum.

The only idea I have is carefully designed positive reinforcement. Unfortunately if he already has everything he wants, you might have to take something away first to create the necessary contrast. My best understanding about PDA is that you need to avoid the sense of an authoritative demand and instead create the feeling that the behavior you're trying to elicit is by his choice. Positive reinforcement can potentially do that, but you would probably need a pro at this level (i.e. an adult)
 
...and we are going to leave this planet with him not knowing any of the basics on how to take care of himself. We want to teach him to cook, to fold laundry, to learn how to clean a toilet, etc., but he only pretends to listen and refuses to practice...
.

Are those the things you want, not him?
(I do realise it comes from a place of caring)

Ask him what he wants, in this moment. Right now.
(The bigger picture may elude him and I'm not certain clean toilets and folded laundry are priority at 20 yrs old)


Handing funds over for college, pot, driving makes it easy.
Meet him halfway? Three quarters?
Whatever he earns you'll match or make a percentage contribution?


If he has money for pot, he has the means to replace your ramekin.
break whatever he likes, he's buying the replacement. Actions have consequence from this point onwards.

(If you try to bill him for everything he's ever broken, debt will be too high, impossible to clear. So from this point onward)
He'll test the theory too. Check you're as good as your word.

He appears to have the smarts to placate you.
Say whatever he thinks you need to hear.
Check your demands. All of them.

They will seem perfectly reasonable to you and very well may be.
Your approach at present doesn't seem to be working.
You can change your approach and still achieve the same outcome.

I think @Crossbreed wrote 'get into his head'
Check the resources linked for you, should be a great place to start trying to understand the situation from his perspective and tweak your approach accordingly.
 
Everyone - thank you for all the replies. I am going to respond, and I've been researching. Life is getting in the way of my internet time right now.

I'll be back. Thanks.
 

New Threads

Top Bottom