Hello! NT woman that thinks she may be on the spectrum. Needing advice dating an ND man

[Anxiously waiting]

Hi all! I am fairly certain that I am on the spectrum and am awaiting testing to find out for sure. I have an OCD and GAD diagnosis and am in cognitive behavioral therapy and on Zoloft to manage. I am still very much overwhelmed despite that.

I started dating a wonderful ND man a couple of months ago and things recently screeched to a halt after I misinterpreted a text he sent as an invite to his house. I’ve been to the house before and would never just pop up. He said it was ok after he chastised me, but he has almost completely withdrawn since. He also asked for my address when he finally re-emerged and I think it may be to mail me something he borrowed. We haven’t spoken on the phone about it yet, so I don’t know. He assured me multiple times that it was a mistake and not to beat myself up and be embarrassed and now I know.

He used to text or call me daily, now there’s been a 4 day gap. Finally he reached out yesterday but that was for the address. I’m at a loss here because I don’t know why he would want my address other than to mail my stuff back so that he doesn’t have to see me. I stayed and we talked for 2 hours the other night, so I honestly thought it had been resolved. He’s very blunt and direct, so him not saying he was displeased and no longer interested at that time seems odd. He is a great guy. I don’t want to lose him.

 

[Raggamuffin]

Have a gander at this quiz. The questions are so in depth it's unlike any other online autism quiz I've taken:

Aspie Quiz

Did you ask why there was a 4 day gap? It's best to ask and know for sure, rather than have anxiety and "what if's" attempting to fill in the blanks.

All the best.

Ed

 

[Anxiously waiting]

I didn’t. He stopped responding last night. When he texted for my address I called. He didn’t answer. I texted if he could talk and told me he was in Bible study. Then I said ok after? And no response. I went ahead and sent him my address and I’m preparing to receive my things back. He has completely switched up his communication with me. I don’t know if it’s the pop up or something I said while we were talking.

 

[Anxiously waiting]

Have a gander at this quiz. The questions are so in depth it's unlike any other online autism quiz I've taken:

Aspie Quiz

Did you ask why there was a 4 day gap? It's best to ask and know for sure, rather than have anxiety and "what if's" attempting to fill in the blanks.

All the best.

Ed

I go into detail in the blog on my page. This was just the clif notes version. Thanks for the quiz link

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Welcome. Sometimes we have a hard time when reality is different than our mental map or the expectations we rehearse in our mind. I hope this is just a speedbump for him and he is just regaining his balance. It is very nice that you care to engage with him and think he is a lucky guy to have somebody who cares.

Your concern over his upset is understandable and nice. I hope that you two can find a way forward, as if I am a typical Aspie, I take relationships seriously and am very loyal and loving, and having him express that to you would solidify your relationship. Meanwhile, reassure him that you recognize that he needs some time for himself.

Good luck!

 

[Raggamuffin]

I'd suggest you voice your concerns in a message. If his tone has changed, ask why. If you're worried about something, share and ask if he could let you know. As you say - you don't want it to end, so let him know that, and see what he comes back with I guess?

Ed

 

[Anxiously waiting]

Welcome. Sometimes we have a hard time when reality is different than our mental map or the expectations we rehearse in our mind. I hope this is just a speedbump for him and he is just regaining his balance. It is very nice that you care to engage with him and think he is a lucky guy to have somebody who cares.

Your concern over his upset is understandable and nice. I hope that you two can find a way forward, as if I am a typical Aspie, I take relationships seriously and am very loyal and loving, and having him express that to you would solidify your relationship. Meanwhile, reassure him that you recognize that he needs some time for himself.

Good luck!

Thank you so much. I hope this is just a temporary pause

 

[Tom]

Tbh sounds like he is disconnecting from you. You have already tried to restablish good communication, but he is not responding. I would just let it go, and stop contacting him.

 

[Forest Cat]

He chastised you for going to his house? That sounds a little over the top. It was just a misunderstanding, it happens.

 

[Nitro]

 

[Hypnalis]

Many Aspies turn away from/avoid things that make them uncomfortable.
It's not necessary a sensible way of handling the situation, but that's not the point - it's right for them.

I've literally ended a good relationship because of someone invading my personal space this way.
I got an unannounced visit from the other side of the world. I did my part for the week we were together, and enjoyed it, but an important element of trust was gone, and for me, at that time, it couldn't be recovered.

FWIW I could almost certainly handle such a situation now (it was a long time ago), but despite being an adult at the time (30ish IIRC) I couldn't even start to deal with it then.

This isn't necessarily good news for you, but feel free to ask non-personal questions if you like.

In terms of general advice, something to think about:
You may not even understand what what needs to happen to resolve this. If that's the case, you can't know what to do.

 

[Anxiously waiting]

Tbh sounds like he is disconnecting from you. You have already tried to restablish good communication, but he is not responding. I would just let it go, and stop contacting him.

Thank you! Any chance he will come back around?

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Thank you! Any chance he will come back around?

I think there is a chance that he may recognize that you acted out of care for him and there was merely a misunderstanding. At least that is what I would hope he sees. You did nothing unethical or malicious and at some point in his life he has to come to terms with his responses. Something similar nearly happened to me and I may as well tell you, though many people here have heard it already.

At 28 and a virgin, and while I had started dating a couple of years earlier, I was still very inexperienced and running out of prospects for an intimate relationship. Then, I called my future spouse to see if she would like to ride share to a Sierra Club trail maintenance project. We talked over a couple of months, planning, and were becoming friends. We took our time driving and had a few adventures along the way, culminating in a wonderful time in Cades Cove the day before meeting the other participants. I was falling for her and thought that she felt the same. Circumstances were such that we were using my tent that night. So, feeling so very good about things and very anxious at the same time, I asked her if she would like to make love, the first time I ever asked a woman that. My mind panicked and I did not even hear her assent, thinking that I just ruined our friendship. I was nattering away, probably incoherently. Finally, she kindly and patiently explained that we were taking our friendship to a new level and I gave my virginity to her. I was astounded that a woman would desire me and accept me sexually and after her kindness to me knew that she was the one. We are together 44 years later.

Maybe his mind, like mine, is panicking over nothing. Be kind and accepting, and if he can't see that, he may not be the one for you.

 

[Tom]

Thank you! Any chance he will come back around?

It's possible, but if he does try to reconnect I would ask why he started ghosting you. I think it important in relationships to establish that you won't put up with being treated badly, either consistantly or in a very bad way. Anyone can have a bad moment, but they should value you in such a way as to apologize and try and prevent that from happening and not repeating mistakes. In other words they need to care a lot.