Hello. Just signed up and wanted to share my story.

[Blaze923]

I'm nearing 40 and I can finally admit that I probably suffer from Asperger's. I used to think I was just shy and didn't have the courage to interact with people. Looking back at my childhood, it was my inability to ingratiate myself with others. I saw people able to make friends and have romantic relationships so easily and was so envious. I still don't know how I managed to get a girlfriend since I went four years of High School unable to say hello to a female. Once I got over my insecurity, even when I am feeling confident, I have awful communication skills and cannot feign interest long enough to carry a conversation. I usually will ask personal follow up questions that clearly make others uncomfortable. Small talk and banter always seemed shallow and forced. When I do express myself, it's usually bizarre or too personal for the receiver. I usually can not keep eye contact when talking and have nervous ticks, some people thought I had Tourette's.

I used to work in finance and as that was the career my parents thought was the most stable and secure but being in an office was extremely stressful. Chit chat with coworkers and developing a rapport was beyond my grasp. I used to sit at my cubicle and be terrified someone might come to ask a question or ask about my weekend. God forbid if someone made a quip towards me.

For the last 10 years, I have not left the house except to go to the gym. Working out and dieting is my only enjoyment since I don't need anyone's approval for my progress. It's just my genetics bumping up against hard work to achieve my fitness goals.

This is more than I have ever shared with anyone. Please go easy.

 

[Raggamuffin]

Small talk is uncomfortable. Whilst it can seem standoffish, I'd rather sit in silence than participate in conversations I have no interest in.

My folks also felt I should pursue a safe, office type career. It's a terrible fit.

Where do you work now?

Fitness and diet sound like interesting and worthwhile things to focus on. I love the WHFoods site. All their technical breakdowns of nutrition on fruits, vegetables and such like is fascinating.

Ed

 

[Alexej]

HI and Welcome to the Forums @Blaze923

This is a friendly place, so glad to have among us.

 

[Blaze923]

Small talk is uncomfortable. Whilst it can seem standoffish, I'd rather sit in silence than participate in conversations I have no interest in.

My folks also felt I should pursue a safe, office type career. It's a terrible fit.

Where do you work now?

Fitness and diet sound like interesting and worthwhile things to focus on. I love the WHFoods site. All their technical breakdowns of nutrition on fruits, vegetables and such like is fascinating.

Ed

Thanks for responding. I don't work now. I decided since I'm not going to have kids or get married, I shouldn't be near suicidal working around others. Even if I'm by myself, the agony that someone might start a conversation with me is hindering. It's embarrassing but I also have a lung disease and have been disabled. But I'm starting to feel better due to a medical breakthrough and now I want to get back in the world again. I wanted to reach out to people like me.

 

[Raggamuffin]

I'm the same in not wanting kids or marriage. When I had a year n half off in between my first and second jobs it helped initially, but it was also the start of my alcoholism. By the end of it before I got my second job I found that my social anxiety was almost to the point of agoraphobia and I'd have panic attacks and terrible symptoms and aches when I left the house.

I'm glad to hear you've found a means to improve your lung disease. Do you have much nature near where you live? I find being outside, away from traffic and people is invigorating and really helps.

Ed

 

[Blaze923]

I'm the same in not wanting kids or marriage. When I had a year n half off in between my first and second jobs it helped initially, but it was also the start of my alcoholism. By the end of it before I got my second job I found that my social anxiety was almost to the point of agoraphobia and I'd have panic attacks and terrible symptoms and aches when I left the house.

I'm glad to hear you've found a means to improve your lung disease. Do you have much nature near where you live? I find being outside, away from traffic and people is invigorating and really helps.

Ed

What do you do? Yes, I live in a small town but don't get out. Someone might say hello to me or not like my facial expression.

 

[SusanLR]

Welcome here, Blaze923.

I think a lot of us can relate. This is a good place to have as a place to be with others.
It helps me a lot and I don't have friends either.

 

[Thinx]

Hi and welcome, so glad to hear there's been a breakthrough that helps your lung condition. It's good that you are feeling better and taking cautious steps to connect with the world. This is a great place to do that. Hope you find it informative and supportive here, it's good that you found us.

 

[Blaze923]

Welcome here, Blaze923.

I think a lot of us can relate. This is a good place to have as a place to be with others.
It helps me a lot and I don't have friends either.

When did you know you suffer from ASD? They probably weren't diagnosing it when you were a kid.

 

[Blaze923]

Hi and welcome, so glad to hear there's been a breakthrough that helps your lung condition. It's good that you are feeling better and taking cautious steps to connect with the world. This is a great place to do that. Hope you find it informative and supportive here, it's good that you found us.

Thank you. I've been trying to be normal for too long. It's time I accept my disposition.

 

[Raggamuffin]

I work in compliance, but at heart I'm an artist, writer and photographer. It's baby steps to get to where I want to be. In truth it's challenging and draining to maintain a full time job. An open plan office creates a lot of noise. Being around people is very draining, and by the time I get home I want to zone out and destress from the day. Weekends are pretty much the same.

Yeah, I think my resting face can look pretty intense. The piercings and alternative look I have don't help me in that regard. Some people look at me and seem to be genuinely alarmed. When my mood is good I remind myself to meet people's gaze and smile. Makes a big difference, but it wasn't easy. Had to force myself out of my comfort zone and practice a lot to meet people's eyeline.

Similar thing occurred with regards to socialising and going to new places. This was when the high anxiety was going on and I was unemployed. Had to drive 3 hours one way to see my gf at the time. Every time we went on a date I was wrestling with crippling symptoms and aches and wanting to go home. But I guess it was a form of exposure therapy. Eventually it got easier. Now I can go to new places and I don't have those intense symptoms etc.

Baby steps though - focus on what you'd like to accomplish and have a firm and positive belief that you can achieve it. When you approach something with a belief you won't succeed, then you're likely to be throwing a lot of hurdles in front of your progress. Or give up part way through which reinforces feelings of unworthiness etc.

Ed

 

[Raggamuffin]

Thank you. I've been trying to be normal for too long. It's time I accept my disposition.

I have said before that I put myself through an abnormal amount of discomfort in a bid to appear normal.

Masking is exhausting though - mentally and emotionally. Which is why I hoard my free time, because I need time to unwind, destress and feel better. I'm my real self in my own company. That's when the verbal and physical ticks are unleashed and I'm truly allowed to be myself. Sometimes, after a stressful day at work, they erupt to the surface as soon as I've got in my car and left the office.

Ed

 

[Suzanne]

I would go ahead and get that diagnosis, because it truly does help.

To a certain extent, you echo my issues that I have experience all my life.

I PANICKED when asked a question. It seems so out of nowhere, that for some reason, my brain could not think to answer and would babble something and get the sense that they considered me rather stupid.

Anyway, welcome to a wonderful forum, where you can pop in any time, if you need relief from the neurotypical world ( NT) those without asd.

Oh and I joined as a self diagnosed one and was fully accepted and now I am officially diagnosed.

 

[Nitro]

 

[rach3rd]

Welcome!

 

[Suzette]

Hello!
I am newly self identified as on the spectrum myself and I am 54. There are quite a few of us "older folk" who are similarly late identified. For me, it was a relief to finally figure it out.

Your story is very familiar to me. Working life was horrible for me. I got lucky and am now retired. I never want to go back to work for others ever again!

 

[tree]

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

your childhood experience sounds very familiar. It does improve over time I did not know I was an Aspie until my fifties. Best revelation of my liferating. doubt it would have changed much worked out Ok in the long run struggle makes you work harder, very rewarding, abet frustrating.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Welcome @Blaze923,

I too gravitated towards athletics as a means of dealing with my insecurities. As a kid I was good at running and could beat most of my classmates,...I could take the pain, bear down, and my competitive spirit never let anyone win. By the time I was 16 in high school, I had already worked my way into being the "strongest kid in school",...and nobody bothered to challenge me. Little did I or anyone else know, I probably couldn't fight my way out of a wet paper bag!

Years later, I was in my late 30's some powerlifters in the gym noticed me working out and suggested I try powerlifting. A year later, my very first meet, I broke all the national records for my age and weight class. So, I immediately started doing national meets and ended up breaking and re-breaking 11 national records in the 110 and 125kg weight classes over the next 8 years. I pretty much trained by myself 90% of the time.

I am 54 now, I still go to the gym for fun. It's a good stress release and gets the blood going to the brain.

There are others on here that are fellow "gym rats",...so we do have some common interests.

As far as your comment on your first post,..."This is more than I have ever shared with anyone. Please go easy."

This is a great group of people here. Most folks on here have some degree of personal history with being picked upon, teased, bullied, PTSD from all sorts of trauma,...and this is NOT the place to be if you are the one being the obnoxious "troll", causing trouble. We can have disagreements, but you are dealing with autistics who despite their personal beliefs on certain topics,...are still pretty civil and will often reference their facts,...unlike some social media sites. You can pretty much count on people who are interested in what you have to say, can often relate, and will give friendly advice if they can. Welcome.

 

[Blaze923]

Hello!
I am newly self identified as on the spectrum myself and I am 54. There are quite a few of us "older folk" who are similarly late identified. For me, it was a relief to finally figure it out.

Your story is very familiar to me. Working life was horrible for me. I got lucky and am now retired. I never want to go back to work for others ever again!

How did you retire so young?