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Hello~ (it's long, I'm so sorry!)

jeaness

jeaness

Jean
Hi! I'm just going to say off the bat that I don't have an official diagnosis, and I try my best to steer clear of self diagnosing, but I really think I may have Aspergers. I told my mom and she disagreed. The first symptom was I wanted to be alone, and I had(have) terrible social anxiety that fluctuates. That quickly grew into a need to be alone at certain times, I began avoiding eye contact, and sometimes I feel so sick from social interactions I think I'm going to throw up. I also got into the bad habit of being cold and emotionless. I'm a very empathetic and warm person, but I don't know how to show it that well. I tend to come off as annoyed, whiney, and pessimistic, when I'm in fact quite the opposite. My resting face apparently also looks like a mix between sad and snobby, too. Then, the OCD and misophonia. People get aggravated with the fact that I get unreasonably upset over loud chewing or breathing, and the fact that I need to have all lights of and complete silence for me to go to sleep. If I don't, I can't stop thinking about the lights, or I focus on the sound, and sleep is nearly impossible. Then my horrible tantrums. These I tend to do privately (nobody knows I do this, because it's quite embarrassing) which involves scratching and biting myself. I even cracked my phone screen because I bit it once. It's really out of character for me, since I'm typically laid back and calm, but these fits of frustrations are horrible and embarrassing. Besides that, I have really complex daydreams (maladaptive daydreaming I believe), I love making lists, I trace out shapes or pictures with my finger, I go off on tangents, I often make friends with people who are younger or older than me rather than my age group, I'm incredibly clumsy and I constantly walk into people and drop things, and I tend to change my tone of voice depending on who I'm speaking to... and the list goes on. I think I finally knew I may have autism when somebody was describing how special interests work, and how sometimes keeping that interest is difficult, or something like that. I go into depth with something I love, spending all my time on it, learning about it and loving it, only to drop it some where around 1-6 months in. Then, I eventually come back to it, after going through so many other phases. I have one that I've managed to keep with me for 4 years, though :)

Anyways, that's all that I have to say really, and thank you so much if you read the whole thing? Seriously, it means a lot. Any advice would be great, too. Most of these things go unnoticed by other people, so I think, if I do have autism, it's high functioning? Besides the frustrated scratches and bites, that's a little alarming, and I'm probably going to have to bring it up to a therapist when i schedule an appointment. But seriously, I'd love to talk to you guys, because you seem like such a great community. Thanks for your time :^)
 
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Hello from me too jeaness

Just to reassure you on a couple of points. Your post was not too long at all. You should see mine? Well, no doubt you will lol and I am not formally diagnosed either and went through, pretty much what you describe about the fear of self diagnosis but feeling sure you are an aspie. I also considered that I must be very low on the spectrum, because of not having a montoned voice or bland face ( as to that, everyone has a "nasty" face when "resting"). Have you ever noticed that the crease around our mouths, goes in a down turn, not in an up turn, which fascinates me.

I used to punch myself and pull my hair out in sheer anger against ME.

When I first joined aspiecentral, I felt very apologetic too and was trying too hard, so to speak. I felt such a fraud. But since then, I find that in fact, it is a sterotyping of aspies that confuse. So in the therapy world, in fact low functioning is classic autism and I was surprised to find that I fit in so well here.

You really have come to a fabulous forum and hope soon you will feel accepted.
 
That kind of sounds like my situation, to some extent. I haven't got myself a diagnosis yet because if I were to get it at the moment it would be to my detriment, sometimes it's better to wait than to jump into things (even though I'd really like answers). What you have described does sound like you could have many of the signs of autism, if I were to ask my mother she would probably say I wasn't autistic even though she very well knows just how bad some of my sensory issues and "habits" can be, it's just a matter of your parents being around you so long that they think that what you are doing is normal, even when it's not. It was only when I stayed at my auntie's for a few weeks that I realized just how bad my symptoms actually were when she started pointing out how weird some of the stuff I do is, that was a real eye opener for me. Perhaps you just need some air to figure stuff out (hard to do when you're still living with your parents).

If you need coping mechanisms and so on you can find them here and through other sources, but I would advise against a diagnosis until it is to your benefit, though I'm not going to say that it's bad to get one, I think that they can actually clear up a lot of questions and be very helpful, but also a piece of paper for people to label you by. It's best to think about really.

So anyway, that's my welcome rant. Yours was long, so I thought I may as well make mind long too. :p
 
Welcome jeaness

I am in the [very long] waiting stage for formal diagnosis and feel conflicted about it to some degree. Personally I don't have a problem with a label but it's really an individual choice. Because I have known I am an Aspie ever since it got a name I wear a medical ID bracelet and am happy to talk about it if people ask me. Like you I have also injured myself and others when the walls cave in and we all know that is no fun. You are in good company here I am sure.
 
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