Hello, I'm new!

[Danielle Sisco]

Hello,

My name is Dannie and I am hopeful that I found a place for support when I am sick and tired of the way the neurotypical world feels to navigate. I am unofficially diagnosed, I admit, but I am 36, officially diagnosed with ADHD, Auditory Processing Disorder, Emotional Dysregulation Disorder, severe impairments in executive functioning, depression and generalized anxiety disorder. I also have a bachelors degree in psychology and I failed at any career the involved my college major.

I have had professionals unofficially diagnosed me in the workplace before I bombed out for various behavioral reasons, not to mention being chased out because of my unofficial but well perceived diagnosis. I just don't really feel the need to spend more money on obtaining an official diagnosis when it's very clear to me and my spouse and the few people at my current job I have to socialize with. I suspect that, because high functional autism/Asperger's wasn't an official diagnosis until 1994 that I was missed diagnosed with auditory processing disorder in 1989 and the school system never sought to have me reevaluated. I did received speech therapy and sensory integration therapy so at least I received some of the support I needed. Probably the reason why I got to become a strong academic.

I have meltdowns when I am confused and frustrated, which is often. I sometimes collapse on the floor and head bang until the back of my head is bruised. Then spend three days minimum feeling ashamed for doing it in front of my wife. I am blamed for manipulating my spouse, when in all honesty the very thought of doing that is horrifying. When I read that ASD creates problems in interpreting the behavior, intentions and motivations of other people, I became painfully aware of how much this type of blindness has affected nearly every aspect of my life. Like, this is why I get frustrated. This is why I over-analyze every, stinking detail and complicate everything. If I don't, I'd be further lost. It's exhausting and sometimes I really wish I could go back to my own conception and be given a choice. I know we are suppose to see some of our neuro-divergent attributes as gifts. However this is easier said then down when every other experience is way too overpowering. I stim unconsciously. I usually get caught rubbing my face when I'm stressed to the point where I hurt my nose. I am told that it is disturbing and irritating to watch. When I'm stressed and I'm in public and can't I usually hold myself together long enough to get back home and yep, I melt down. At least if I can stim I may not melt. Anyone have any luck at changing their preferred stim?

I also feel very, very little toward other people. I have two cats and a dog and they are my source of love and connection. I feel their love. Rarely do I feel love from my spouse, though most of the time she is a wonderful companion who tirelessly and without fail helps me navigate the social world. At times she does all of our socializing and defends me. Yet, rarely do I feel love. It's more of a thought that I love it. Does that make any sense? I feel love from my pets, and think love from my wife. I actually hate this. I would love to feel close connections with others but I doubt it will happen for my in a fulfilling way.

Yet I still want to feel connections. I still want friends. I understand the purpose of friends and connections. It's just that I know I'm missing out. Yet, when I can be completely left alone for long periods of time I feel ALIVE and content with my personality. It's when I'm around society that I feel utter loneliness and longing. Most of the time I just feel bored or overwhelmed. Nothing in between and this is where I think connections to other's fills in the gap.

Anyway, I'm here because I cannot discuss autism anything with anyone. My wife, yes, but I've learned that I can depress her if I always bombard her with my struggles. I really need to find ways to cope. Regular coping skills just don't seem to cut it. So I'm hoping to find some support so that I don't have to feel so alone and isolated.


Thanks for letting me share.

 

[Nitro]

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Welcome

 

[ucrenegade]

welcome you are not alone

 

[Loren]

Welcome!

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Welcome, you're amongst friends.

I think, as a whole, we are probably one of the most introspective, sharing, and helpful group of people I've ever interacted with.

Personally, and probably many others here feel the same, I feel like I am an alien observer on this planet. I can observe and imitate, but people still recognize I am alien. I can try to please them, but some people cannot be pleased. I can try to intellectualize in order to understand their behavior, but because I am not one of them, I feel like I am always just a bit off from understanding their perspective. I can get just close enough to someone to have a meaningful relationship,...like a hand reaching out for that carrot,...but just out of reach to cause frustration and depression. At some point, with maturity and/or through some personal epiphany, we eventually come to accept ourselves and stop trying to become part of that neurotypical world,...and if they don't like it,...don't care. There are things that make you happy, keep you intellectually stimulated,...things that get you up in the morning,...and none of it has to include expectations of others. I think we try so darn hard at being someone else that we can loose ourselves in the process. A common theme with the posts of young people comes under the category of anxiety, depression, anger, frustration, of failing in life as a neurotypical. That little voice says,..."Well, you should fail as a neurotypical,...you're not,...so let that go." Move on, adapt and overcome, focus upon yourself, and find something to be successful at being you. Often, that means being your own boss,...because, frankly, not many of us make great employees. Personally, I accept being that alien and am now far more content with myself.

 

[Barymore]

Hi Dannie

Welcome to the forum, its a great place to dive into loads of different topics!

I can relate to several things you write and can sense you are very frustrated at the moment.

I do the face rubbing too....have meltdowns and then feel ashamed, dont often feel the connection that I know is there between my wife and myself, have been sent for assessment by employers, been misdiagnosed and mostly just think regular people are a hindrance in my life. It totally does suck.

But it has also been worse and I have found a place that works for me and a partner who is very supportive.

There are many on here with a similar story and it has let me accept myself more to hear those stories, hope it does that for you too!

 

[VictorR]

Welcome! Indeed it can be difficult when one is in a meltdown or overload situation, and we can get them a lot. It can be hard for others who are not so easily triggered to understand. Virtual hug (but only if that's something that works for you)

 

[clg114]

Welcome to Autism Forums!

 

[watersprite]

Welcome.

 

[James45]

Hello, only joined this myself a couple of days ago and already feeling the benefit hope you do too. Welcome

 

[Martha Ferris]

Welcome. I look forward to getting to know you. I second everything that Neonatal RRT said. Accept who you are, meet your needs and stop trying to shoe horn yourself into the neurotypical world. Do what you need to do to be happy and less stressed.

 

[MyLifeAsAnAspie]

Hi and welcome to the forums .

 

[SusanLR]

Welcome to the forums!

I relate to what you say. And from one alien observer to another:

 

[Danielle Sisco]

Welcome! Indeed it can be difficult when one is in a meltdown or overload situation, and we can get them a lot. It can be hard for others who are not so easily triggered to understand. Virtual hug (but only if that's something that works for you)

Thank you! That's the real barrier for me is trying to get them to understand the blindness. I am starting to accept that it's not really worth the precious lost of energy and decidedly chose to express myself more virtually to meet some of my needs. It looks like this is what this place is for. We can all help each other meet our unique needs.

 

[Danielle Sisco]

Welcome, you're amongst friends.

I think, as a whole, we are probably one of the most introspective, sharing, and helpful group of people I've ever interacted with.

Personally, and probably many others here feel the same, I feel like I am an alien observer on this planet. I can observe and imitate, but people still recognize I am alien. I can try to please them, but some people cannot be pleased. I can try to intellectualize in order to understand their behavior, but because I am not one of them, I feel like I am always just a bit off from understanding their perspective. I can get just close enough to someone to have a meaningful relationship,...like a hand reaching out for that carrot,...but just out of reach to cause frustration and depression. At some point, with maturity and/or through some personal epiphany, we eventually come to accept ourselves and stop trying to become part of that neurotypical world,...and if they don't like it,...don't care. There are things that make you happy, keep you intellectually stimulated,...things that get you up in the morning,...and none of it has to include expectations of others. I think we try so darn hard at being someone else that we can loose ourselves in the process. A common theme with the posts of young people comes under the category of anxiety, depression, anger, frustration, of failing in life as a neurotypical. That little voice says,..."Well, you should fail as a neurotypical,...you're not,...so let that go." Move on, adapt and overcome, focus upon yourself, and find something to be successful at being you. Often, that means being your own boss,...because, frankly, not many of us make great employees. Personally, I accept being that alien and am now far more content with myself.

"Carrot on a stick" that's exactly how I experience the level of connection with my chosen love ones. I feel so strong for them, on my terms. But interaction wise, I cannot express it. And that has limited the benefit of having closeness to those I've chosen.

Something you said made me smile and I have sense been trying to use it to cope with my disappointment and awkwardness. "Well, you should fail as a neurotypical, you're not,....so let that go." That's great! Genius! So often I can use this to help me not feel so crappy when I make mistakes with my neurotypical translation. It lead me to think about this thought, "Well, I should be disappointed if I expect a neurotypical to understand me. I can no more understand them, than they can understand me. Let it Go and find your people" I realize I can only do my best and it'll have to be good enough. And look for my people who will. Everything you said makes so much sense. I could never get away with writing a reply this long and with as much detail on Facebook. People who know me on that platform don't read anything past two sentences nor fixate themselves on anything other than popular culture and everyday ordinary life.

Thank you. It's really nice to meet you.

 

[Danielle Sisco]

Welcome. I look forward to getting to know you. I second everything that Neonatal RRT said. Accept who you are, meet your needs and stop trying to shoe horn yourself into the neurotypical world. Do what you need to do to be happy and less stressed.

I'm looking forward to getting to know you more as well. It really does look like I've found a great place. Sometimes I think we all really need a place to socialize with other autist and "let our hair down" so to speak.

 

[Danielle Sisco]

Hi Dannie

Welcome to the forum, its a great place to dive into loads of different topics!

I can relate to several things you write and can sense you are very frustrated at the moment.

I do the face rubbing too....have meltdowns and then feel ashamed, dont often feel the connection that I know is there between my wife and myself, have been sent for assessment by employers, been misdiagnosed and mostly just think regular people are a hindrance in my life. It totally does suck.

But it has also been worse and I have found a place that works for me and a partner who is very supportive.

There are many on here with a similar story and it has let me accept myself more to hear those stories, hope it does that for you too!

"A place that works for me and a partner who is very supportive" That describes my relationship with my spouse. It's why I described it as a thought. I know that I love my wife. I perform loving task for my wife. I make decisions together with her. A lot of togetherness and it's always a free choice that I continue to make. Therefore, I love my wife. My reward for that love, she shields me from the neurotypical world. She is also my legit boss (married before this happened, I worked under someone else at the same company.) Her and I are CEO's of a small company. I get to do all the computer, clerical non customer support side of the business. I don't even use the phone. Just have to fringe interest in my job and work on keeping my attention on just that. Speaking of work, I better get back to it. I really wanted to say hi.

 

[Ken]

Hi Danielle,

Welcome to our world! We are all with you.

I must say that your description of your “difficulties”, such as over-analyzing and the “blindness” and feeling love from “pets” are better descriptions of me than I have yet to be able to put into words. Thank you for that.

Also, I definitely have Auditory Processing Disorder. That has been a major frustration for me all my life, but I never knew it was an actual defined “condition”.

My meltdown’s are somewhat different. Mine are most commonly what I call “lockups”. I become like frozen. Can’t move or speak. When on the edge, my speech becomes extremely slow one word at a time with one or more seconds between words. But, while “locked up” what’s going on in my head is extreme, violent anxiety. I guess kind of like this scene from the movie Galaxy Quest. When I do become physical, I usually bash the sides of my head with my fists.

I also cry easily. Very emotional. Not good for a man in the NT world.

I only feel safe to convey this to this group, but I was devastated by the passing of my dear cat named Callie even more so than my mother’s passing. Doesn’t mean I did not love my mother, but I felt Callie’s love more vividly than from any human.

Again, welcome to our world. I look forward to more from you.

 

[Danielle Sisco]

Hi Danielle,

Welcome to our world! We are all with you.

I must say that your description of your “difficulties”, such as over-analyzing and the “blindness” and feeling love from “pets” are better descriptions of me than I have yet to be able to put into words. Thank you for that.

Also, I definitely have Auditory Processing Disorder. That has been a major frustration for me all my life, but I never knew it was an actual defined “condition”.

My meltdown’s are somewhat different. Mine are most commonly what I call “lockups”. I become like frozen. Can’t move or speak. When on the edge, my speech becomes extremely slow one word at a time with one or more seconds between words. But, while “locked up” what’s going on in my head is extreme, violent anxiety. I guess kind of like this scene from the movie Galaxy Quest. When I do become physical, I usually bash the sides of my head with my fists.

I also cry easily. Very emotional. Not good for a man in the NT world.

I only feel safe to convey this to this group, but I was devastated by the passing of my dear cat named Callie even more so than my mother’s passing. Doesn’t mean I did not love my mother, but I felt Callie’s love more vividly than from any human.

Again, welcome to our world. I look forward to more from you.

Thank you for your kind words and for your share. I sometimes freeze up too, but mostly it just looks like a 2 year old tantrum..........in a 36 year old plus size body. Not very attractive.

I too cry very, very easily. Granted, I'm female which makes it more culturally acceptable but the reasons behind it, so I've been told, aren't normal and that no one can possibly comfort me if they don't even understand what I'm crying over. I usually cry with frustration, which is 90% of the my existence. I'm so sick of feeling always frustrated. So I cry out of sheer exhaustion. It's not that difficult to grasp. Yet, apparently, it is. I've been told only toddlers cry out in frustration. So no support from my NT family and friends. I don't know a single person in my physical life that is autistic. I'm alone.

I'm sorry to hear of your cat's passing. I too have felt the death of my beloved pets much more strongly than human deaths, and I have lost my father-in-law, my grandparents, a few friends, several uncles and aunts and I cried for only one day (maybe on anniversaries of the deaths i might still). Yet, when I lost my two oldest dogs back to back within 8 months, I went into a total darkness. They were my BEST friends. I could be authentic and weird with them. They knew when I was about to melt down and could stop me from fully shutting down. They could be trusted. They could love me without judgment. I could not stop crying for days. The loneliness felt after their departure was the worst I've ever felt. I had nobody to talk to. I could not connect with my human love ones even if my survival depended on them. I even wailed every night in the woods because of the pain of loosing them. I gained ten pounds from sorrow eating. My friends thought I was crazy to be so attached. I couldn't understand how they could think of THEIR pets as inferior and not worthy of grief. I guess the feelings they feel coming from other humans has just got to be super intense and special. I've just never felt it so I wouldn't know. But if it's true and we're just opposite of NT, then how we feel toward our pets and interest is how the rest of the world feels with relationships. I guess I can understand that. But I understand your pain, and I'm sorry.

As far as auditory processing, I think it's just a part, a big part, of autism spectrum disorder. I mean, it's really a processing and sense disability. Humans, I find, have a six sense..... social sense i.e. the ability to interact, observe, and process social stimuli and execute behavioral decisions based on a social feedback loop. That's where I am blind. I'm always guessing at what the "sense" should be. 7 our of 10 times I am dead wrong, and usually I end up arguing over quite literally an honest mistake. I guess it doesn't look like a honest mistake to them.

It was very nice to read your reply. I look forward to hearing from you more as well.