Liam Davies
New Member
Hi - My name is Liam and I come here hoping for a little guidance and support. Maybe even advice. I'm booking an appointment with my GP for a referral for a diagnosis with the sneaking suspicion I have aspergers or am on the autistic spectrum in some way.
Over the past few years the wheels have come off my professional life to the point that I've taken voluntary demotion three times in as many years. I feel like I can't hide the things that cause me anxiety anymore, which I've always felt quite good at doing. I'm a teacher and things are changing so much in the profession. I had also worked out how to get promotions and so went about it like solving a puzzle, studying what people did and how they acted to gain favour - I got the promotion, became a manager and then bam! I had a breakdown when had to conduct small meetings with my team, initiate conversations with people I'd had little contact with, and was trapped in a small office with three other managers who all seemed to get on and I had no idea how to 'join in'.
I did one of those 'Aspie' quizzes online and I came out 137 neurodiverse and 66 neurotypical.
I find it difficult to initiate conversations with people unless its actually on a topic. I often talk a lot and ramble. I obsess over my interests to the point of mental exhaustion at times. I get terribly anxious about the prospect of being late for appointments and meetings. If I see a friend I like on the street and they haven't seen me, I'll still hide to avoid the small talk stuff. I write scripts and rehearse phone conversations I need to make. I've always been a little isolatory. In the past I've formed quite obsessive attachments with people. My work life has suffered because of my inability to undertake tasks that don't interest me; quite the opposite, I actually verbally resent doing them and let everyone who will listen know. I have little interest in my appearance and take great comfort in patterns and shapes (I'm currently retraining to be a garden designer and I find this work to be most soothing (using Fibonacci sequencing and shape rhythms etc). My in laws took me and my wife to the cricket and at the end I realised I'd watched the score board the entire time, doing sums and working out batting average scores in order for teams to win etc). I get very anxious in crowds - my current work place causes panic attacks because it's so busy and there's literally nowhere to escape. I am accused of having an odd sense of humour that is at times inappropriate - I once jokingly told a friend's daughter who was playing hide and seek that I'd burn the house down to flush her out and that didn't go down to well. I'm not a hugger and I feel emotionally detached when people in my life are upset etc. I can't remember faces very well (not too bad with reading expressions though) but can remember the phone number from 1990s Saturday morning kids TV show, 'Going Live'.
I guess I want to know if people who have a diagnosis can relate. I feel that if I am diagnosed an Aspie I can make sense of troubles I've had all my life and look to the future in a way that means I can really consider how I live - that I'm not just a difficult person etc. I hope really that it can help me make sense of my depression (that I'm medicated for) and find a way to help people understand who I am (myself included). If not, at least I can rule it out and carry on trying to find other ways to overcome the anxiety in my life.
I apologise if this is essentially me coming into a community and launching into a 'can you help me' monologue, but I assume that is how most people must enter here. As I progress with this journey, of course I will repay any advice in kind with the benefit of my experiences as they occur.
Anyway, hi!
Over the past few years the wheels have come off my professional life to the point that I've taken voluntary demotion three times in as many years. I feel like I can't hide the things that cause me anxiety anymore, which I've always felt quite good at doing. I'm a teacher and things are changing so much in the profession. I had also worked out how to get promotions and so went about it like solving a puzzle, studying what people did and how they acted to gain favour - I got the promotion, became a manager and then bam! I had a breakdown when had to conduct small meetings with my team, initiate conversations with people I'd had little contact with, and was trapped in a small office with three other managers who all seemed to get on and I had no idea how to 'join in'.
I did one of those 'Aspie' quizzes online and I came out 137 neurodiverse and 66 neurotypical.
I find it difficult to initiate conversations with people unless its actually on a topic. I often talk a lot and ramble. I obsess over my interests to the point of mental exhaustion at times. I get terribly anxious about the prospect of being late for appointments and meetings. If I see a friend I like on the street and they haven't seen me, I'll still hide to avoid the small talk stuff. I write scripts and rehearse phone conversations I need to make. I've always been a little isolatory. In the past I've formed quite obsessive attachments with people. My work life has suffered because of my inability to undertake tasks that don't interest me; quite the opposite, I actually verbally resent doing them and let everyone who will listen know. I have little interest in my appearance and take great comfort in patterns and shapes (I'm currently retraining to be a garden designer and I find this work to be most soothing (using Fibonacci sequencing and shape rhythms etc). My in laws took me and my wife to the cricket and at the end I realised I'd watched the score board the entire time, doing sums and working out batting average scores in order for teams to win etc). I get very anxious in crowds - my current work place causes panic attacks because it's so busy and there's literally nowhere to escape. I am accused of having an odd sense of humour that is at times inappropriate - I once jokingly told a friend's daughter who was playing hide and seek that I'd burn the house down to flush her out and that didn't go down to well. I'm not a hugger and I feel emotionally detached when people in my life are upset etc. I can't remember faces very well (not too bad with reading expressions though) but can remember the phone number from 1990s Saturday morning kids TV show, 'Going Live'.
I guess I want to know if people who have a diagnosis can relate. I feel that if I am diagnosed an Aspie I can make sense of troubles I've had all my life and look to the future in a way that means I can really consider how I live - that I'm not just a difficult person etc. I hope really that it can help me make sense of my depression (that I'm medicated for) and find a way to help people understand who I am (myself included). If not, at least I can rule it out and carry on trying to find other ways to overcome the anxiety in my life.
I apologise if this is essentially me coming into a community and launching into a 'can you help me' monologue, but I assume that is how most people must enter here. As I progress with this journey, of course I will repay any advice in kind with the benefit of my experiences as they occur.
Anyway, hi!
