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Hello, I guess...

Discussion in 'Introduce Yourself' started by Mike Smith, Oct 20, 2020.

  1. Mike Smith

    Mike Smith Member

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    My name is Mike Smith, and I am forty one years old. For the past six years I have tried relentlessly to obtain help in getting tested for Autism, and this past March I was formally diagnosed with both High Functioning Autism, as well as Schizoid Personality Disorder. In addition to my mental health, I also struggle with several physical health problems, including IBS-D. Combined, they do not form Captain Planet, what they have done rather is to create a life filled with heartache, pain, and suffering.

    I was molested by an older student in the first grade, and subsequently bullied non stop all the way through high school. At a very early age I learned to fear people, as I was abused by certain family members, as well as enduring daily verbal and physical abuse at school. It caused me to become an introvert, and caused me to hate school. I saw it as a place of pain and suffering, and I hated the people there who mistreated me. The only safety that I knew was at my Great-Grandmother's feet. She raised me, she cared for me, and she's one of the few people in this world who actually cared about me, and loved me.

    To this day I still endure emotional abuse from people in my family, and I have no relationship with them at all. I'm not close to anyone except my great-uncle. I have no friends, and often have faced ridicule for how I am. Over the past twenty years I have had over thirty jobs, half of which I was fired from, and the others I quit, all within six months of my being hired. I've only had three jobs that lasted an entire year. I would become extremely depressed from being bullied, and punished for having to use the restroom frequently due to the IBS-D.

    Though I have great communications skills, and am a talented writer, I just don't seem to be able to get along with most people. I got married in 2012, and my ex wife was my best friend. I loved her more than anything, but the year and a half that we were together she was deceitful and unfaithful, and eventually left me for another guy. It took me a year to get over that, and thankfully that started me on the journey to getting help. There is no way that I would have ever gotten a diagnosis if I had accepted the replies that I got early on.

    I have been denied help so many times that I lost count of them all. It took me six years of begging for help, and going to different agencies and clinics before I found one that would accept me with no insurance, and no money. The Psychologist there is unlike any other that I have met, and met with me several times a month for two hour sessions each time. He thoroughly examined, re examined, and looked at stuff again to ensure that I got the proper diagnosis through the evaluations and testing.

    It opened up the door for me to receive disability and insurance, for which I am grateful, because without it, I would have nothing. Moving forward, I have no idea what the future holds for me, only that I'm scared. My number one priority is to have home of my own. In the past six months I was able to buy a car debt free, which has helped me greatly. I used to measure how many miles I would walk, and in 2019 alone I walked almost two thousand miles, and now I don't have to do that. I can drive to the library, grocery store, ext.

    I have had to come to terms with my health, and the limitations that it imposes upon me, and what I can and can't do. I think the most difficult thing for me is being alone. I think anyone with my diagnosis has probably felt what I feel at some point, because I know that I am not capable of supporting a wife / family, and that I would be a burden from day one. That would be selfish and unfair to ask or think that a woman would be willing to do that. No, I've found out the hard way that being mentally ill is better walked out alone.

    My focus now is just on doing what one doctor told me that I would never do, and that's owning my own home. Disabled or not, there are times when we must learn that taking no for an answer is not acceptable.
     
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  2. VictorR

    VictorR Random Member

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    Welcome! I hope that you continue to find and receive the supports that you need.
     
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  3. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    upload_2020-10-20_22-26-57.png
     
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  4. Nervous Rex

    Nervous Rex High-functioning autistic V.I.P Member

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    Welcome, @Mike Smith. I hope you find this forum as welcoming and useful as I have.

    I believe you’ll find many people here who understand your experiences and empathize with you.
     
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  5. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    That's a very remarkable story. You have the will and determination of a 100 people and moved forward with your obstacles.

    I have walked a very long and difficult path and l still can't believe l am alive. l am defintely the underdog in my movie which seems to drone on like a bad tv series. Yet people seem to think that l have strange proclivities when l just try to stay alive daily. My truth is to stay alive everyday. l try to find time to rest and just relax as much as l can. Sometimes just sitting down and staring at my walls is all l can do for hours at a time. And sleeping and feeling safe as l sleep is another beautiful thing l love to do. l wish l could skip work and just sleep all day tomorrow.

    Welcome, and l am sure you have many insights to share.
     
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2020
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  6. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Hi and welcome. Glad you found us. You have been through such a lot, but you have successfully got your diagnosis and are making things better for yourself, that's great. What an amazing clinic you found, that has really helped, when so much in the system has worked against you. I hope that you find it useful and supportive to be here.

    :spiralshell::spoutingwhale::spiralshell::dolphin::spiralshell::fish::spiralshell::whale:
     
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2020
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  7. unperson

    unperson Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I was determined to own my own place, took a lot of effort and an interstate move where it was cheaper, but I finally owned a modest one at 47.

    Welcome to the site Mike.
     
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  8. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Similar story as yours, Mike.

    I keep away from birth family members, because it is dangerious for my welbeing, although I am ok with my brother.

    Have not had an ibs flair up in ages and just the other day, whoa it hit me. But I take super enzymes and probiotics and in the space of seconds, the crippling stabbing pain disappeared.

    It is hard to live in a world surrounded by ones who speak a different language, so to speak, so coming here is such a relief. Hope you find that too.
     
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  9. clg114

    clg114 Still crazy, after all these years. Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    Welcome to Autism Forums!
     
  10. Gift2humanity

    Gift2humanity Well-Known Member

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    Hello Mike
    I'm late diagnosed, well assessor hasn't written the letter, she said its likely I am aspie as I have a lot of traits and we talked extensively, 54 years old, life full of difficulties.
    I got ADHD suspected from ADHD nurse but silly me didnt go back to see ADHD specialist I was invited to.
    I am glad you didn't give up in getting your diagnosis for High Functioning Autism. I don't know about Schizoid Personality Disorder, sorry, I know a bit about schizophrenia and its not what people think but I digress.
    When menopause hit I had IBS-D, it's horrible, 4 trips to the loo for urgent ablutions each morning.
    Sorry for your life filled with heartache, pain, and suffering.

    It must have been awful being molested by an older student in the first grade, and subsequently bullied non stop all the way through high school.
    I haven't actually been sexually abused as such, groped as I was vulnerable, pants taken down, not knickers at 11 and 11 year old fully dressed naively pretended to have sex with em, then a girl at school undid my flies degrading.

    At a very early age I learned to fear people too, awful, starting with my violent malignant narcissistic Dad, bullied at home and school.
    I'm staring to compare myself with you, sorry I just don't want you to feel alone. Our traumas and life stories are different.
    Mainstream school is no place for autistics, especially us older ones who didn't know we were autistic.
    I am glad you had at least one positive adult in your life.

    You don't have to endure emotional abuse from people in your family, and you don't have to hate anyone, I hated and it got me in trouble. Glad you cut out the toxic people in your life as you need to restore your health.

    It's good you have your great-uncle. You can make online friend on here.
    Now we know we are autistic and not just faulty we don't have to tolerate ridicule.
    Look at Rowan Atkinson, he has a funny face, I wonder if he laughed off bullies at school and became a comedian.

    Stephen Fry and Spike Milligan are mentally ill and they made the best of it. Both severe depression.
    I empathise with you about being sacked from jobs, I was from several.
    People who bully because of illness are ignorant, not worth your consideration.

    It's great you have great communications skills, did you get these from reading a lot of fiction? You say you are a talented writer, reading is the in breath, writing is the out breath.
    I wished I hadn't given up reading fiction I learnt before school, but my talents weren't cool enough, foolish decision.

    Now you know you are autistic, you know you have a brain condition that is special, not faulty, it just doesn't like frivolous chit-chat and small talk from NT's and that is not a problem, there are intellectuals and interesting eccentrics who you will get much more out of.

    You are well rid of your ex wife, she didnt deserve you. Partners are like buses, when we look for them they never turn up, but when we are busy doing what we love, they come to us, in the form of like minded people who do understand and are loyal.

    Glad you are over the split.

    Your grit and determination payed off, now you can reap the rewards. Autism is a blessing, a Native American Indian once said autistics are licensed to be shamans. Shamans seclude and are introverted, they need their space, they don't dally with soap opera watchers, mainstream media consumers, etc.

    So long as you start valuing and treating yourself with the respect that you deserve, the future will be bright, that's how life works.
    Rented, caravan, bus, tent, home is home, material things are just that, material things, people build earthen houses dirt cheap and have no running water, they live in tune with nature and are highly happy relinquishing possessions as they realise they are transitory desires.

    Sorry I am ignorant of your mental illness. I am diagnosed with EUPD also with C-PTSD tagged on but C-PTSD is not officially recognised in the UK ICD-10, which is crazy as it is a valid condition, maybe behind my EUPD.
    I now wonder if Asperger's is behind my EUPD that will be for my shrink to decide, I just had a very quick google of Schizoid Personality Disorder, sounds like autism, maybe your autism has superseded your SPD.
    Part of loving yourself if valuing your own company. Think of yourself sitting somewhere in nature writing and loving it. Nurturing yourself.
    You are not a burden, you are introvert, and artistic and articulate, I Can see that from your post.

    When you are not waiting for that bus, and doing the things you like, you never know, an introverted writer with eccentric traits may just cross your path, but in it's own time, and if not, so long as you learn to be happy alone with yourself, you will find happiness, single or attached.

    I wanted to own my own home I thought it would bring self respect, it didnt. I would rather live in a rented cosy little flat where maintenance is done for me and all I have to pay is rent, so long as landlord allows me to foster cats.
     
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  11. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Welcome Mike Smith!

    As part of my testing, I was diagnosed as Schizoid Personality Disorder too.
    The therapist that did the testing said it is pretty common with autism.
    I also have OCD, anxiety/depression and PTSD.

    I've never been physically abused. But, the only two people I was ever really happy and at ease
    with were my parents. So, at least I had a good family experience.

    I've always found the most important and most elusive thing in life is making friends with yourself and enjoying your own company. If you can attain that state, you've got it made. The rest will take care of itself.

    Hope you enjoy being here. It's a great community. :)
     
  12. Khendra

    Khendra Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Welcome to the forums! Very sorry to hear of all the mistreatment you've received in your life. :( I'm very glad that you found a psychologist who could get you the help that you needed. I also hope you do at some point also find a good friend, as it's very hard in life to get by when you have little to no social support system. I'm very thankful to have a good family and husband; without them, I wouldn't be able to get by.
     
  13. Magna

    Magna Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Welcome, Mike. You are among friends here and among people who can empathize with you. You are an incredibly strong survivor. You have a great goal in mind to propel you forward in spite of the adversities you face.