Hello, I am starting a relationship with someone who has Aspergers.

[mylife2023]

I have recently become more and more interested in someone and after initially starting to text him in November of last year, I have been very confused as I've tried to get to know him. I have researched aspergers in regards to my children, years ago, but never thought about what it might look like in an adult male that I was interested in. I have never had to pursue someone, so when he seemingly was blowing me off via text or acting disinterested for the most part, never asking me questions to try and get to know me, I assumed he wasn't interested. But my ego, I guess, wouldn't let me accept that. I made the decision to take a shot of vodka, ask to meet and then told him that I knew he wasn't interested, but I wanted him to know that I was very much attracted to him for multiple reasons. I rambled a lot as I was extremely nervous, but I said all of that and then he looks at me and says, " I wouldn't say I wasn't interested. I just don't know you very well." to which I brought up the fact that he didn't ask me questions, or seem interested in texting. I left as bewildered as I'd came. He said, we should get to know one another and see what happens. He's not made any effort, but I have taken the lead on this. I feel like just coming out and saying " I am very attracted to you" was actually more productive than anything.

I sat on it a few days and then as i began to connect the dots, I have realized that he checks a lot of the diagnostic boxes. In the last month I have read three books, visited multiple sites and adjusted the way that I text and converse with him and he has become more responsive. I was very wordy and used a lot of just normal texting slang, etc... Now, I stick to precise texts.

I have decided to make a box with little slips of paper that have things about me on them. Information that most people exchange naturally in conversation. And he can just look at them when he feels the need to know something about me, since it's hard for him to ask. Ii've also decided maybe to see I can come along on his "routine" moments and hang out, so that I don't disrupt them. I don't want to stress him out and we both want this to move slowly. I just wanna show him that I'm aware of his some of his needs and preferences in this regard. He is undiagnosed and 58.

Any help with navigating this would be greatly appreciateed.

Thanks

 

[Outdated]

Your post gave me a nostalgic smile. I was never able to approach women and chat them up so instead I relied on them approaching me. It seemed to happen often enough though, and knowing that I was wanted was what got me excited.

This is my personal experience and could well be entirely different to that of your intended beau. Using direct language is very helpful, it's nice to know exactly what is meant instead of guessing and wondering if you got it wrong, something I will always wonder even when the wording was specific.

Being older and more set in my ways the thought of a woman wanting to move in with me terrifies me. Or anyone moving in with me, I haven't shared a house with anyone in over 30 years and there's no way known to man that that will change in the near future. For the record, I've had quite a few girlfriends over the years that felt exactly the same.

 

[330]

Forget all standard social constructs .

Direct clear communication. Remove useless words.

 

[Rodafina]

You will have to learn what the best communication method is for both of you. We are not all the same, and it is very individualistic how people wish to communicate. No cheat sheets are available for you. The thing that makes most sense to me is authenticity, clarity, and logic. Anything outside of those things is extremely confusing.

I would say be aware not to overthink the autism thing. From your post, it sounds like this is not something that he has shared with you and that he talks about openly. If that is true, it is risky business to put that label on him yourself. Did he tell you he is autistic?

 

[mylife2023]

You will have to learn what the best communication method is for both of you. We are not all the same, and it is very individualistic how people wish to communicate. No cheat sheets are available for you. The thing that makes most sense to me is authenticity, clarity, and logic. Anything outside of those things is extremely confusing.

I would say be aware not to overthink the autism thing. From your post, it sounds like this is not something that he has shared with you and that he talks about openly. If that is true, it is risky business to put that label on him yourself. Did he tell you he is autistic?

No, but I care for his aging father and have many conversations with his mother about what he was like growing up. And no, he doesn't talk openly about it. I'm still just trying to find ways to get him to open up a little. We have talked more tonight than in the whole three months we've been talking. I did tell him tonight that I thought he looked amazing on the black beanie and jacket he had on, the night we talked in person. He responded exactly as I expected, but I wanted him to know.

 

[mylife2023]

Your post gave me a nostalgic smile. I was never able to approach women and chat them up so instead I relied on them approaching me. It seemed to happen often enough though, and knowing that I was wanted was what got me excited.

This is my personal experience and could well be entirely different to that of your intended beau. Using direct language is very helpful, it's nice to know exactly what is meant instead of guessing and wondering if you got it wrong, something I will always wonder even when the wording was specific.

Being older and more set in my ways the thought of a woman wanting to move in with me terrifies me. Or anyone moving in with me, I haven't shared a house with anyone in over 30 years and there's no way known to man that that will change in the near future. For the record, I've had quite a few girlfriends over the years that felt exactly the same.

Our relationship will most likely have to be long distance for a while and I feel like he and I both will be perfectly good with that. I don't want to upset his life, but I would love to make it more enjoyable. I think he's pretty amazing from what I've experienced.

 

[Rodafina]

No, but I care for his aging father and have many conversations with his mother about what he was like growing up. And no, he doesn't talk openly about it. I'm still just trying to find ways to get him to open up a little. We have talked more tonight than in the whole three months we've been talking. I did tell him tonight that I thought he looked amazing on the black beanie and jacket he had on, the night we talked in person. He responded exactly as I expected, but I wanted him to know.

Beware. I’d be displeased if someone else diagnosed me.

 

[mylife2023]

Beware. I’d be displeased if someone else diagnosed me.

I didn't do this lightly and i've done lots of observing. There's too much to ignore. There was just so much that didn't make sense. Too many dots to list here. I am one who wants to meet people where they are, not try and change them. I don't think there's even a reason to ever bring it up with him. I just want figure out how to reach him and be able figure this out, because he does want to get to know me. IDK. This is uncharted territory for me.

 

[Rodafina]

I didn't do this lightly and i've done lots of observing. There's too much to ignore. There was just so much that didn't make sense. Too many dots to list here. I am one who wants to meet people where they are, not try and change them. I don't think there's even a reason to ever bring it up with him. I just want figure out how to reach him and be able figure this out, because he does want to get to know me. IDK. This is uncharted territory for me.

Well, I am only one among many opinions here, but since you came here for input, I will tell you that if I found out someone came to an autistic forum to try to understand me when this was not something I had shared with them and they had armchair diagnosed me, I would be pissed. Just beware. It would be better to get the information you are seeking from your friend and not us.

 

[Judge]

Well, I am only one among many opinions here, but since you came here for input, I will tell you that if I found out someone came to an autistic forum to try to understand me when this was not something I had shared with them and they had armchair diagnosed me, I would be pissed. Just beware. It would be better to get the information you are seeking from your friend and not us.

IMO this is critical to consider if one wants to pursue such a relationship. That despite all the good intentions in the world, one is "playing with fire" to think they have diagnosed a significant other who may well not be ready- or willing to hear such a thing.

As I have posted a few times in this forum, had someone other than a medical professional approached me to tell me that they thought I was on the spectrum of autism, I would have dismissed it. And possibly dismiss them in the process.

I truly believe that in the absence of a qualified medical opinion, that this amounts to a journey of sorts that we must all take by ourselves. For me it was a difficult journey strewn with potholes of denial. Yet I couldn't seem to just let it go, and kept investigating it until I could no longer logically deny any of it. That it answered the most important question of my life- who and what I am. Above all why social dynamics with so many people are so arduous for me.

Some 12 years later, I am gratified to have figured this mystery out on my own. However in hindsight I truly don't believe anyone within my social orbit could have convinced me of something I had to struggle with all on my own. Not through a close relative, friend or lover no matter how well meaning they may have been. And while I was diagnosed in 1982 with clinical depression, social anxiety and OCD, at the time my doctor could not piece together that it was all comorbid to level one autism spectrum disorder. I was just another person who "slipped under the radar" of the medical community, despite having two parents who always thought there was "something different" about me.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I've had many women approach me when I was younger. For the most part I ignored most of them. when I was ready, I made a move on my current wife, 42 years later we are still married. The other women expected me to be a typical guy which I was not, dating was not my thing.

 

[NB79]

So, i think it would be bad, if i gave you this link, or maybe not, idk but "Mark Hutten ma" youtube channel, has a lot of videos about couples when one is autistic the other nt, and the problems they may encounter.

 

[Rodafina]

IMO this is critical to consider if one wants to pursue such a relationship. That despite all the good intentions in the world, one is "playing with fire" to think they have diagnosed a significant other who may well not be ready- or willing to hear such a thing.

As I have posted a few times in this forum, had someone other than a medical professional approached me to tell me that they though I was on the spectrum of autism, I would have dismissed it. And possibly dismiss them in the process.

I truly believe that in the absence of a qualified medical opinion, that this amounts to a journey of sorts that we must all take by ourselves. For me it was a difficult journey strewn with potholes of denial. Yet I couldn't seem to just let it go, and kept investigating it until I could no longer logically deny any of it. That it answered the most important question of my life- who and what I am. Above all why social dynamics with so many people are so arduous for me.

Some 12 years later, I am gratified to have figured this mystery out on my own. However in hindsight I truly don't believe anyone within my social orbit could have convinced me of something I had to struggle with all on my own. Not through a close relative, friend or lover no matter how well meaning they may have been. And while I was diagnosed in 1982 with clinical depression, social anxiety and OCD, at the time my doctor could not piece together that it was all comorbid to level one autism spectrum disorder. I was just another person who "slipped under the radar" of the medical community, despite having two parents who always thought there was "something different" about me.

Precisely. My life experience is different, but the notion is the same. The journey of self discovery can be very very long for some of us, like me. I remember those along the way who were supportive as opposed to those who were rejecting or ridiculing. Had any of them tried to direct me toward autism, I think I would have reacted poorly and possibly missed the path that has led me to where I am now. It is not fair to rob someone of their journey of self discovery based on an outside view. It seems one of the things that connects us here on the forum is that our inner world is complex, sometimes difficult to understand, and often hidden by a mask. People think they know what is going on, but it is not always true and it takes time and careful communication to learn what is going on behind the survival tools that we have gathered through life.

 

[Uppity Creek]

There were probably some women flirting with me over the years that I brushed off as them just making fun of me, or making conversation, or kidding, or...something. It took some serious communication to convince me they were really interested; written words work better for me versus spoken. When I have received a card or a letter expressing interest, I end up reading it over and over again, with a smile on my face and in my heart.

 

[Thinx]

I guess you have to be careful about the dual relationships here? It seems like you are saying you have a (paid?) role as carer for his father? In the course of this you have met him, and you have also had discussions with his mother about him? Now you're on a forum talking about your feelings for him, also alluding to his family's circumstances. How do you see the ethical boundaries here?

 

[VictorR]

I concur with @Thinx's comments.

Each position has its own ethical considerations on top of any employer rules and professional association bylaws (if applicable), but in my work, it would be considered professional misconduct to engage in a personal relationship with a client or family member thereof.

 

[mylife2023]

I have recently become more and more interested in someone and after initially starting to text him in November of last year, I have been very confused as I've tried to get to know him. I have researched aspergers in regards to my children, years ago, but never thought about what it might look like in an adult male that I was interested in. I have never had to pursue someone, so when he seemingly was blowing me off via text or acting disinterested for the most part, never asking me questions to try and get to know me, I assumed he wasn't interested. But my ego, I guess, wouldn't let me accept that. I made the decision to take a shot of vodka, ask to meet and then told him that I knew he wasn't interested, but I wanted him to know that I was very much attracted to him for multiple reasons. I rambled a lot as I was extremely nervous, but I said all of that and then he looks at me and says, " I wouldn't say I wasn't interested. I just don't know you very well." to which I brought up the fact that he didn't ask me questions, or seem interested in texting. I left as bewildered as I'd came. He said, we should get to know one another and see what happens. He's not made any effort, but I have taken the lead on this. I feel like just coming out and saying " I am very attracted to you" was actually more productive than anything.

I sat on it a few days and then as i began to connect the dots, I have realized that he checks a lot of the diagnostic boxes. In the last month I have read three books, visited multiple sites and adjusted the way that I text and converse with him and he has become more responsive. I was very wordy and used a lot of just normal texting slang, etc... Now, I stick to precise texts.

I have decided to make a box with little slips of paper that have things about me on them. Information that most people exchange naturally in conversation. And he can just look at them when he feels the need to know something about me, since it's hard for him to ask. Ii've also decided maybe to see I can come along on his "routine" moments and hang out, so that I don't disrupt them. I don't want to stress him out and we both want this to move slowly. I just wanna show him that I'm aware of his some of his needs and preferences in this regard. He is undiagnosed and 58.

Any help with navigating this would be greatly appreciateed.

Thanks

I'm sorry, I feel like I have been misunderstood In part because I haven't explained fully and also because my posts may not have been fully read. As far as I know, my friend doesn't know if he has it or not and more than likely has not even considered it. That is why I made the comment that I like to meet people where they are and wouldn't think of posing this to him unless he approached me in a trusting relationship about how he feels about the way he perceives himself. I know all too well how important it is for people to make some realizations on their own or in their own time.

Secondly, I have recently ceased in being the caregiver for his father. I am no longer in that position, so nothing unethical is or has taken place.

I do however, have many hours of research into Aspbergers because two of my daughters exhibit many characteristics, so these differences are not foreign to me. If it looks like a duck, acts like a duck, quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck. I first became attracted to this person because of his love for cooking! I have observed his interactions and dedication to his parents as well and that was also very attractive and then there's his dog, whom he loves dearly. It is so hard to convey everything in a chat box. I've known him for a year and so there have been many observations, questions I've had, things that seemed awkward that I just couldn't explain or figure out. After reading extensively and also talking with a friend who is a psychologist, I think there is a very good chance that he is. I have tried communicating differently as has been suggested by many different people and have gotten amazing results! I do genuinely want to meet him where he is, whether he ever figures out he is or not. I have taken online tests (yes I know nothing replaces an official diagnosis) and Ii myself scored borderline for being on the Autistic Spectrum. I personally have no issues with labels if they help me know why I am. as I am.

My whole reason for even reaching out on here was to find ways to make our blooming relationship an easier thing for him, if stress arises, and to be informed, because I know NT/AS relationships are not always easy. Nothing may come of this, but I don't want to lead him on and then possibly hurt him because I wasn't prepared for this kind of union. The heart is a delicate thing.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

Lovely post, mylife2023. I wish people I was in relationships with had taken such time to get to know me.

 

[Rodafina]

As far as I know, my friend doesn't know if he has it or not and more than likely has not even considered it. That is why I made the comment that I like to meet people where they are and wouldn't think of posing this to him unless he approached me

It is still very disconcerting that you are talking about him here, behind his back, and researching him in this way. Do you research, learn as much as you want, but don’t present him as a case study.

 

[mylife2023]

It is still very disconcerting that you are talking about him here, behind his back, and researching him in this way. Do you research, learn as much as you want, but don’t present him as a case study.

I'm sorry I have come across in such an unpleasant way, with you. I just don't know how else to relay my situation so that I can get the help and advice that I feel I need to bee successful at this relationship.