Hello - Aspergers Affecting Relationship

[Caveboy90]

Hello,

I am new to this forum and looking for some advice on a few things.

I have been in my relationship for the past 10 years, things have been really good but we get moments where things go severely downhill.

Normally the same issue that comes up...Me.

I tend to not put effort into much these days, things have been getting worse. I am a surface thinker, I can do things that need doing ie do the dishes, go to the shops, so basically anything that needs doing there and then.

Anything else, for instance remembering to show my wife love and affection with anything goes out the window. I just forget. It's almost like it doesnt matter despite her threatening to leave me.

I dont suggest for us to do anything together, its almost like normal life is enough for me and I dont need anything extra.

Im also finding recently I am liking time by myself alot, despite working full time and looking after my 3 year old, its not possible.

Its driving me insane as I love my family so much and I would be lost without them. But due to having issues with apathy, I just cant understand why I can't resolve these issues as I want to, I just don't know where to start in my brain.

Its like I need to be constantly reminded of the things that are important. When my wife tells me the things I am doing wrong, I completely understand. But the next day it's as if life goes on and I don't think of it anymore.

Thanks

 

[MLE]

I think that you coming on here looking for advise shows empathy in wanting to understand and be supportive in your family... Perhaps sitting with your wife and starting the conversation with her with what you stated "I love my family so much and I would be lost without them", then working out the challenges that are present, and focus on making improvements... Work on the small issues that are troubling and build up to the larger ones...

I think that making lists on actionable items is really useful... That way I can see what I need to work on and I'm not as likely to forget them... I also, build a schedule for myself to remember to do things... Once it becomes a habit, I'm able to rely less on a schedule to remind me... Those are just tools that have helped me... Maybe finding out what works for you, and utilizing your tools will help you.

Good luck and don't give up!

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I've been married for over 33 years. All I can say is that my wife is a tolerant woman, much more social, a registered nurse,...but will also score 27-28 on the on-line autism quotient test. I scored 46 out of 50 before being professionally diagnosed. Having said that, I grew up in a generation where little boys were not really expected to "think" about how to behave, but rather, "this is what you do",...almost military-like,...almost like a sense of duty.
Surprisingly, but maybe not, this has helped me in all my interactions with all people, but especially our marriage. With my wife, I always greet her with a hug, a kiss, and a "I love you". A lot of "old school" chivalrous behaviors,...works for us. Anyone in a marriage needs to feel loved and supported by their partner, by actions, not words,...if that falls apart,...then the relationship will usually fail at some point.

 

[Suzanne]

I have been married coming up to 30 year's next year to a nt and have a similar issue as yourself. I have to be reminded to show affection and I do it for a while and then, well forget about it.

In truth, I have felt annoyed when my husband says he wants me to touch him, but I do recognise now, that he needs to feel wanted and so, I do try to accommodate, but again, it doesn't last for long.

It almost feels nasty to touch skin, where he is a very tactile person. But again, I do not like being touched either, but have to tolerate it.

 

[OkRad]

It's Aspie Agony.

I have found it helpful to approach it logically. Be verbal even if you are not feeling it because you know it's true. You can say, "I love you," on occasion if you know it is true. You can say, " I love you but I feel weird saying it. I don't know why.."

But if you do not know it is true, if you are wondering, "Do I really love her?" then I don't know. You may be falling out of love.

Be verbal with truth, but find out what your truth is first.

Oh, and welcome! I hope you find a lot of good things here.

 

[Caveboy90]

I'm definitaly not falling out of love, if anything I love her more and more each day.

I can do surface things, like giving her cuddles, saying I love you alot and doing things around the house.

The main issue is anything deeper than that. I tend to just go on with life without looking deeper into things. Like doing things for her that will make her happy. I just plod along with no responsibilities because its the easiest thing to do.

Any kind of issue that arises I tend to lock up in a box and throw away the key. Any kind of issue I cant seem to handle, despite it being something small like showing some affection.

Driving me crazy considering I love my wife more than anything, I just can't seem to show it.

 

[Finder]

"I told you I love you 20 years ago and, if anything changes, I will let you know."

I have been with my wife since 1990. Relationships are reciprocal. You are both going to have to figure out what the other needs. And your wife might just have to give you prompts for the times she needs support. And you will need to figure out how to interact with your family. Even if it is a check list that says to give your wife a complement twice a day. But this is not just you. You wife and child will need to understand your difference.

 

[VictorR]

Welcome!

 

[NB79]

I'm not married but feel the same way sometimes in doing things. i'm not very 'active' doing stuff like that.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I was always taught "The Golden Rule",...paraphrasing,..."Do unto others as you would have done unto you." I think this works as a general foundation for any relationship,..."Be nice", "Be respectful", "Be honest", etc. However, when one is neurotypical and the other not,...then it comes down to each of you being masters of communication to agree on what each others needs and desires are. One of the hallmarks of autism is "mind blindness",...that is, literally not being able to put all of the other person's communication and behaviors together and then being able to come up with some idea of what this person is thinking. So, open lines of communication are of even higher importance than with a neurotypical-neurotypical relationship. As I said above, there are certain things that I was taught, that have become habit,...I don't have to think about them anymore,...the hug, the kiss, the "I love you", the holding hands when walking together, the opening of doors, the doing of physical things around the house, etc. I think I could do better with the "random acts of kindness" aspect,...the flowers for no apparent reason, her favorite chocolate cupcake or ice cream treat for no apparent reason, a clothes shopping date for no apparent reason, etc.,...those little spontaneous surprises that let her know I was thinking about her.

 

[Caveboy90]

I do remember to do the simple things, give her a kiss, a cuddle, tell her she's beautiful etc. Those things aren't an issue. The struggle to remember anything in depth.

Its almost like my mind can only focus on the days tasks and nothing else. For instance, we could have an argument about me not putting in enough effort, and the next day I completely forget about it, as if nothing has happened.

Its like I constantly need to be reminded that things aren't as good as I think they are.

 

[Alexej]

Welcome to the Forums

There is lots of good info and advice in here. Do feel free to look through older threads, for there is almost nothing that has not come up before among us.