Hi everyone,
I'm Smoosh, and I apologize in advance for what is likely going to be a more than usually intense "intro" post. I actually joined this forum because I am seeking help and support in understanding a person on the spectrum who is important to me, and having lurked a bit, I'm hoping that maybe the kind people of this community might be able to lend me some perspective.
A little bit about me: I am not on the spectrum, but depending on your medical perspective, may or may not be totally neurotypical myself (I have been identified by numerous mental health providers as an HSP, or highly sensitive person - and some people studying this phenomenon posit it as the "opposite" of ASD, while others have noted that the sensory processing anomalies in people like me actually quite closely resemble some of the "unusual" sensory processes of people with ASD, so . . . tough to say). I mention this simply to lay the groundwork for what was an extraordinary sense of kinship with a person whose actions I now struggle to understand.
This person I'm writing about is a man I started working with in 2014. We'll call him B. From the moment I met him, I could tell that something about him was out of the ordinary, and I have long suspected some form of Aspergers/high-functioning autism (notably awkward body language, frequently walks away from people who are talking to him in the middle of conversations, socially extremely awkward, impossible to tell him a joke because he takes it all literally and never seems to infer what the joke is about, etc., the list goes on and on). But he also reacted to having social slights he'd committed explained to him - like if it could be represented to him cerebrally, why X person felt bad about Y thing he said, he could be very compassionate and apologetic. So it was obvious to me that he just wasn't picking up on certain things. Given my emotionally attuned nature, I found myself quickly filling in the "cracks" between him and others; I served as a kind of "translator" for B, where even though he and our other colleagues shared a mother tongue and culture which I did not (this happened in a non-Anglophone country where I was a foreigner), I still seemed to pick up what he was trying to communicate while others were totally puzzled, and I was able to convey his intentions to our colleagues in a way they understood. I frequently did this in front of him, and he showed a definite appreciation for this help. Over time, I grew very fond and protective of him, and we became quite close. He was my boss at this workplace, but more than that he was also a mentor. We'd meet after work to do professional stuff at the workplace, and frequently stay until midnight or later.
I was absolutely shocked to find over time that no one close to B - not even his wife, who we'll call C - seemed to have even considered that he might have ASD. They all seemed to just think he was some kind of intractable "weirdo" who they'd just all gotten used to (granted, this all happened in a different country where it seems to me that they don't really talk about ASD much). Without getting into even more time-consuming explanations, it was clear that, over time, B was trusting and vulnerable with me in a way that he wasn't with others, and that my understanding of him must be something he did not normally experience. This relationship was extremely intense and clearly of immense personal value to us both - I'd readily go so far as to say that we loved each other (we are both performing artists, so professional connections which become intensely personal are not unheard of). Performing together was magic in a way that neither of us had experienced before - even others could sense this. For me, this was not romantic; since he was both my boss and a married man, that option was never on the table in my mind. In retrospect, for him I think it might have been, though (more on that later - I am, for the record, a woman).
Enter our mutual colleague, another of my "bosses", just lower in status than B; we'll call him D. This guy gave me the creeps just about as soon as I met him. I grew up around a lot of personality disordered people, so I am sensitive to that energy; and it was clear within days of meeting him that this guy had a deep, malicious cruelty to him. However, in contrast to B, he was clearly quite socially sensitive, a really slimy manipulator. Within 2 months of my arrival at my new job, he sexually assaulted me at our workplace, late at night after a performance. I fought, slapping him repeatedly, and managed to convince him that if he kept up this rape attempt I'd start using my fists. He's a coward, so he left (definitely wasn't because he felt remorse - he kept sneakily pinching my butt and verbally bullying me at work for months after). After a few months, when D went on a year-long leave, I worked up the courage to report him. And that's when everything went to hell.
To try to put it as short as possible: B and D had been "friends" for many years before I arrived in our shared workplace/country - indeed, B had gotten D his job there. When I told B what happened (around the time I reported D), at first he seemed incredibly shocked and upset about it. He really seemed to be on my side, clearly saw that what D had done was not ok. He seemed totally disgusted by D. But then our company went on a work trip (I was not on this trip, and neither was D) and when he came back, B was totally different. He ultimately ended up taking D's side - even though D apparently ADMITTED that he'd done what I said he did - and I lost my job, my residence permit in the country, everything. It was a crippling blow to my career. B could have intervened or advocated on my behalf - he had huge sway in our workplace, even over D. But he did nothing to help me.
The other two people in our specialized group (which was comprised of myself, B, D, and two others) were quite manipulative, and very much invested in the "boys' club" power games of our highly male-dominated field (and even more male-dominated little group). I suspect that B told them what I had said, and that they played a role in B's sudden change during the tour. I also suspect that B's wife, C, noticed his interest in me and became jealous, and probably influenced his perception of me.
My trouble is this: I cannot seem to decide how to "process" what B did; I am struggling to draw the line between what was just him being a jerk, and what might be explained by ASD, given that he is surrounded by people who if anything are actively against him sympathising with me in this situation. I would be lying if I said that he didn't also have his own selfish, shadow side: as soon as someone with prestigious connections in our field sat next to him he suddenly seemed to develop all kinds of social skills, and interact smoothly no problem. At the same time, I know that he wasn't faking his affection or deep care with me. I would like more than anything to just dismiss B as a terrible person, who was always just out for himself - but I can't seem to do that. I tried to confront him at the time, to represent to him what he was doing and why it was inappropriate - but the rest of the boys' club group was there at the time and the whole focus of the conversation just got turned around to be about how they were the victims and how "unfair" it was of me to make them uncomfortable by reporting the assault, and expecting them to deal with it appropriately. B repeatedly said he just wanted things to go "back to normal". How could he just drop all apparent care for me like that?
What am I missing? This whole thing came crashing down in December 2015, when B and I performed together for the last time. I haven't seen him since. Just last week I checked his Facebook, to see if maybe time and perspective had created some kind of perceptible change in his feelings toward D, and me - but nope, he had just posted a bunch of photos with D, praising him, talking about how happy he was to see him, etc. How can he possibly be doing this? I know he has his own dark faults, and I fully believe that he is surrounded by many manipulative people, who if anything would prefer to sabotage our connection - but at the same time he is an adult, and I cannot believe that he was faking the investment in the relationship we had.
I know that moment-to-moment empathy can be a struggle for people with ASD, but is such conscienceless behaviour really a part of that? Do people with ASD struggle with basic morality? Is it just easy for people on the spectrum to turn their back on someone they've professed love for so callously? Or is this guy just a dink? Please help
.
I'm Smoosh, and I apologize in advance for what is likely going to be a more than usually intense "intro" post. I actually joined this forum because I am seeking help and support in understanding a person on the spectrum who is important to me, and having lurked a bit, I'm hoping that maybe the kind people of this community might be able to lend me some perspective.
A little bit about me: I am not on the spectrum, but depending on your medical perspective, may or may not be totally neurotypical myself (I have been identified by numerous mental health providers as an HSP, or highly sensitive person - and some people studying this phenomenon posit it as the "opposite" of ASD, while others have noted that the sensory processing anomalies in people like me actually quite closely resemble some of the "unusual" sensory processes of people with ASD, so . . . tough to say). I mention this simply to lay the groundwork for what was an extraordinary sense of kinship with a person whose actions I now struggle to understand.
This person I'm writing about is a man I started working with in 2014. We'll call him B. From the moment I met him, I could tell that something about him was out of the ordinary, and I have long suspected some form of Aspergers/high-functioning autism (notably awkward body language, frequently walks away from people who are talking to him in the middle of conversations, socially extremely awkward, impossible to tell him a joke because he takes it all literally and never seems to infer what the joke is about, etc., the list goes on and on). But he also reacted to having social slights he'd committed explained to him - like if it could be represented to him cerebrally, why X person felt bad about Y thing he said, he could be very compassionate and apologetic. So it was obvious to me that he just wasn't picking up on certain things. Given my emotionally attuned nature, I found myself quickly filling in the "cracks" between him and others; I served as a kind of "translator" for B, where even though he and our other colleagues shared a mother tongue and culture which I did not (this happened in a non-Anglophone country where I was a foreigner), I still seemed to pick up what he was trying to communicate while others were totally puzzled, and I was able to convey his intentions to our colleagues in a way they understood. I frequently did this in front of him, and he showed a definite appreciation for this help. Over time, I grew very fond and protective of him, and we became quite close. He was my boss at this workplace, but more than that he was also a mentor. We'd meet after work to do professional stuff at the workplace, and frequently stay until midnight or later.
I was absolutely shocked to find over time that no one close to B - not even his wife, who we'll call C - seemed to have even considered that he might have ASD. They all seemed to just think he was some kind of intractable "weirdo" who they'd just all gotten used to (granted, this all happened in a different country where it seems to me that they don't really talk about ASD much). Without getting into even more time-consuming explanations, it was clear that, over time, B was trusting and vulnerable with me in a way that he wasn't with others, and that my understanding of him must be something he did not normally experience. This relationship was extremely intense and clearly of immense personal value to us both - I'd readily go so far as to say that we loved each other (we are both performing artists, so professional connections which become intensely personal are not unheard of). Performing together was magic in a way that neither of us had experienced before - even others could sense this. For me, this was not romantic; since he was both my boss and a married man, that option was never on the table in my mind. In retrospect, for him I think it might have been, though (more on that later - I am, for the record, a woman).
Enter our mutual colleague, another of my "bosses", just lower in status than B; we'll call him D. This guy gave me the creeps just about as soon as I met him. I grew up around a lot of personality disordered people, so I am sensitive to that energy; and it was clear within days of meeting him that this guy had a deep, malicious cruelty to him. However, in contrast to B, he was clearly quite socially sensitive, a really slimy manipulator. Within 2 months of my arrival at my new job, he sexually assaulted me at our workplace, late at night after a performance. I fought, slapping him repeatedly, and managed to convince him that if he kept up this rape attempt I'd start using my fists. He's a coward, so he left (definitely wasn't because he felt remorse - he kept sneakily pinching my butt and verbally bullying me at work for months after). After a few months, when D went on a year-long leave, I worked up the courage to report him. And that's when everything went to hell.
To try to put it as short as possible: B and D had been "friends" for many years before I arrived in our shared workplace/country - indeed, B had gotten D his job there. When I told B what happened (around the time I reported D), at first he seemed incredibly shocked and upset about it. He really seemed to be on my side, clearly saw that what D had done was not ok. He seemed totally disgusted by D. But then our company went on a work trip (I was not on this trip, and neither was D) and when he came back, B was totally different. He ultimately ended up taking D's side - even though D apparently ADMITTED that he'd done what I said he did - and I lost my job, my residence permit in the country, everything. It was a crippling blow to my career. B could have intervened or advocated on my behalf - he had huge sway in our workplace, even over D. But he did nothing to help me.
The other two people in our specialized group (which was comprised of myself, B, D, and two others) were quite manipulative, and very much invested in the "boys' club" power games of our highly male-dominated field (and even more male-dominated little group). I suspect that B told them what I had said, and that they played a role in B's sudden change during the tour. I also suspect that B's wife, C, noticed his interest in me and became jealous, and probably influenced his perception of me.
My trouble is this: I cannot seem to decide how to "process" what B did; I am struggling to draw the line between what was just him being a jerk, and what might be explained by ASD, given that he is surrounded by people who if anything are actively against him sympathising with me in this situation. I would be lying if I said that he didn't also have his own selfish, shadow side: as soon as someone with prestigious connections in our field sat next to him he suddenly seemed to develop all kinds of social skills, and interact smoothly no problem. At the same time, I know that he wasn't faking his affection or deep care with me. I would like more than anything to just dismiss B as a terrible person, who was always just out for himself - but I can't seem to do that. I tried to confront him at the time, to represent to him what he was doing and why it was inappropriate - but the rest of the boys' club group was there at the time and the whole focus of the conversation just got turned around to be about how they were the victims and how "unfair" it was of me to make them uncomfortable by reporting the assault, and expecting them to deal with it appropriately. B repeatedly said he just wanted things to go "back to normal". How could he just drop all apparent care for me like that?
What am I missing? This whole thing came crashing down in December 2015, when B and I performed together for the last time. I haven't seen him since. Just last week I checked his Facebook, to see if maybe time and perspective had created some kind of perceptible change in his feelings toward D, and me - but nope, he had just posted a bunch of photos with D, praising him, talking about how happy he was to see him, etc. How can he possibly be doing this? I know he has his own dark faults, and I fully believe that he is surrounded by many manipulative people, who if anything would prefer to sabotage our connection - but at the same time he is an adult, and I cannot believe that he was faking the investment in the relationship we had.
I know that moment-to-moment empathy can be a struggle for people with ASD, but is such conscienceless behaviour really a part of that? Do people with ASD struggle with basic morality? Is it just easy for people on the spectrum to turn their back on someone they've professed love for so callously? Or is this guy just a dink? Please help
.
