Hello all, glad to be here! Can I jump right in and ask people about masking?!

[Graceful Loner]

Hello all, I’m a 30-year-old woman from the UK and it’s my NY resolution to really care for my aspie self and find out more about managing this condition (I was diagnosed two years ago).

So, what is everyone’s experience of masking - that is the covering up of autistic behaviour to fit in?

I’ve always known I was different, and had to adapt/change a lot of my behaviour to fit in. This wasn’t too bad as a child, but it really damaged me as a teenager. I went to extreme and dangerous extents to be accepted as ‘normal’.

I’m in a good place now and have recently finished a period of study which restricted how much time and effort I could spend on caring for and uncovering my aspie self. Now I find myself without the structure of study and other commitments, I find I have no individual thought or drive.

My whole life has been dedicated to fitting in; at the expense of my genuine interests/thoughts/feelings. I literally can’t remember the last time a genuinely and thoroughly enjoyed myself and had fun – I honestly think the last time would have been as a child.

So now as I attempt to ask myself ‘what do you really enjoy and want to do?’, I have no idea. My reflex answer would be to work so I don’t have chance to think or feel.

Can I ask what people do to indulge their autistic selves and really let go, away from social pressures? Or how people cope with masking and keeping in touch with their true selves?

 

[china autie]

Masking is tough to keep up and the older I get, the less willing and able I am to do it.

Sometimes, I rock when standing up. If a noise hurts my ears in public, I hold my hands over my ears. I wear comfortable practical clothing only. No heels or impractical shoes. No make-up. I don't pretend to look people in the eye anymore. (My default is to stare I guess because I have been accused many times of staring when I wasn't.) I have stim toys. I no longer attend social events that I do not want to go to. And I don't do small talk. And if I do not understand something, I ask.

I have actually found community since dumping the mask. My friends are homeless people and street musicians. I like them. They like me. We accept each other.

Welcome!

 

[tree]

@Graceful Loner
Here are some threads in which people are talking about masking:

I have some questions about the concept of masking.
Masks for different reasons
How to remove “the mask”
Women on the spectrum, masking
Honesty and masking

 

[Judge]

I do it not to "fit in" so much as to avoid standing out in any way, as well as avoiding abusive behavior aimed directly towards me. And when I do mask my autistic traits and behaviors, like so many will tell you here it comes at a price. That it's physically and emotionally exhausting. Not something I can sustain indefinitely.

Rather than consider "fitting in", I just like to think that with a very few persons I just might be accepted enough to perhaps make socialization a little less stressful than it usually is.

Even under the best circumstances socializing leaves me exhausted, usually with a tension headache when it's all over. Nobody should have to exist like that. Yet it's always been "the story of my life".

These days I'm retired, choosing to live in near isolation, so masking isn't not really an issue any more.

 

[Mia]

Don't mask very much anymore, since I've retired. It's when I rarely meet friends in real life, or have to go out in public that I do so now.

In rediscovering my aspie self, I've done many things. Gone on long trips alone, walked in forests, canoed down rivers into the wilds. Have been on long bike trips with my only my tent and sleeping bag and a few other cyclists. I've hiked some of the long trail in the summers. Have painted and drawn and written and thought. And, am still in that process, which might take my lifetime. Each day I know and understand a little more of myself.

 

[Isadoorian]

Welcome to the Forums! I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process!

 

[puzzlingbill]

I have a "normal person" character that I've been working on for a very long time. I do it reasonably well now, but there's been a lot of painful trial and error along the way.

In addition to "normal person", other roles are "me at work", "me at home with my wife", "me at the bridge group", etc. It's how I've tried to understand how to behave appropriately in different situations.

 

[Monachopia]

As a woman of roughly your age in the UK, I relate to you... I was diagnosed about a year ago now, and while I didn't try to mask in my teenage years, I always know I was different... I just went with it and became a metalhead/goth despite no one else being that way. So in that way I "know" who I am. I did try to blend in and mask in my 20's, but that just ended up in disaster mentally, I did lose a sense of who I was, so I went back to 'me' when I hit my 30's. I have no energy for it and I found it so damaging. The last time I remember being happy was when I was a child, so I hear you on that.

I recently watched a video from a YouTuber called The Aspie World, he had a lady on to speak on autism in women and she said something that you described - the effort to appear 'normal' and masking led to a breakdown and she no longer knew who SHE was at the end of it all.

Now I just act more on who I am. Some people who've known me for a long time are taken aback I guess because I don't hide as much, I am much more aloof and awkward, but, I don't feel fake. If they don't like it, that's honestly, not my problem. I'm always nice and kind in all I do, that's all we can really be. I just don't let it all damage me further, especially when social pressures cause so much social anxiety and panic attacks.

First and foremost look after yourself and your mental health. As we get older we have less and less energy, so you have to decide where your energy goes. Go back to your roots, your childhood. What did you enjoy doing? What excited you? Look back at those things and see if you can carry them forward to now. That's a good foundation to start building a sense of yourself that's more true to you.

 

[Graceful Loner]

@Graceful Loner
Here are some threads in which people are talking about masking:

I have some questions about the concept of masking.
Masks for different reasons
How to remove “the mask”
Women on the spectrum, masking
Honesty and masking

Thank you

 

[Major Tom]

Hello and welcome! As far as masking, I had it beaten into me as a child not to do any "weird stuff", this led me to be able to mask pretty well, but also gave me great anxiety and depression. I think its so sad we have to hide who we are to appear "normal" when really what is normal anyways?

 

[Gift2humanity]

I masked so much, I even hid it from myself, at around age 6 I lost my identity.

 

[Thinx]

Hi and welcome, I hope you find plenty here that's helpful and feel supported. For most of my life I thought I was coping rather than masking as I wasn't aware of how Aspergers / high autistic traits may show itself especially in those socialised as women. Rudy Simones book Aspergirls helped me home in on that, among others early on. It's good to know, but disheartening how little understood the experience is.

I resonated with @Monachopia saying about always trying to be nice and kind, and I suppose I d celebrate that that seems an important and straightforward way to be, to me, that isn't however the behaviour of plenty of NT people. It's hard to be ourselves in a world that doesn't recognise us, hence the pressure to mask. I also resonated with @Mia saying about doing things alone. However I also enjoy and appreciate structured time with others, learning new ideas or skills for example.

 

[Nitro]

Hi Graceful Loner

 

[clg114]

Welcome to AutismForums!

 

[inkfingers]

Hi there! I am glad you received a diagnosis, and are determined to take care of yourself properly. I have read stories and articles online about Autistic women masking, but I don't think I do it that often. This is probably because I was homeschooled, and could be myself at home. Also, I am taking some of my college classes online, to reduce social exhaustion.

Anyways, when I was younger, I think I behaved more like an autistic boy than a girl. I did nothing to hide my "weirdness." Later on, I masked more, but still never fit in. I try not to mask at all, but sometimes it cannot be helped. Social norms and "niceties" baffle me, but I try my best to be polite while still being myself.