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Having friends walk out of my life

Discussion in 'Help and Support' started by Markness, Nov 25, 2020.

  1. Markness

    Markness Young God

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    Throughout my life, I’ve had friends walk out of it. This is usually because they have changes in their life and I get left behind. It doesn’t get easier for me no matter how many times I’ve had to go through it and it’s largely why I feel depressed, especially now that I am in my 30’s. One of my friends is planning on starting his career next year once his college courses end and he thinks he will have to find work out of state for it. I know it hasn’t happened yet but my mind is already projecting into the future and I feel sad about it. COVID sabotaged some things we would normally do and we won’t get to do them ever again if he goes out of state. :(
     
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  2. AprilR

    AprilR Well-Known Member

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    I have the same problem. Although this might be because i consider acquaintances friends and i don't know any better.
    After school ended, school friends broke off contact. After i left my job, work friends broke off contact.
    And after a certain age, friendships become unnecessary for most people. Marriage and having children become more important, at least where i live.I have even heard of people breaking off contact with friends because their spouse doesn't like them. Which is so weird to me because.. Their spouse can leave them too? There is no guarantee that anyone will stay with you forever.
    It's normal to feel bad because of this, i also feel horrible whenever this happens. But after a while, i noticed i forget about it. I choose not to dwell on it and keep myself busy.
    I grew up with only 1 friend in my childhood. From the time i was born, we used to do everything together, everyday and were closer than sisters. Now she lives in another country and is basically a stranger. I used to feel bitter about it but i no longer do.After a while memories and emotions die out. She probably had her own problems and issues that are vastly different than me.
     
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  3. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    It's tough when friends move away, but are you noticing how your mind moves from one difficulty to the next, rather than to more positive thoughts? This is a combined effect of depression and the ruminating of autism I think, and you really need to home in on it and be determined to work on this, for your own sake.

    I have found that dwelling on a difficult worry or possibility can be helped by distracting myself, again, the walking helps, even a task like weeding in the garden, or making a meal, or trying a meditation recording might help too. If you determinedly distract yourself it does get easier in my experience.

    Friends do pursue their lives, move away and move back and get married, change jobs etc, we can visit, life will go on, and in this case, he may not leave in any case. Vaccines are on their way and life will get back to normal, distract yourself with interests and places you can go!
     
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  4. UberScout

    UberScout Are you there, God? ...Hello? V.I.P Member

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    This isn't too big a problem for me. I didn't have a lot of friends to begin with, and the ones I did have that left changed for the worse in a lot of ways I didn't like or anybody else did.

    Then I thought back to it and I realized, those few only acted so nice to me because I was the only one in the group who had a disability that caused serious problems for me. Had I known they were just feeling sorry for me, I would have blown them off as quick as I could. My uncle and aunt both kept telling me different stuff about them and that may have been the only time they were right about anything they told me.
     
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  5. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Life is continuously in motion and shifts people in and out of each other's lives. My parents had friends at church and about every weekend we were going to one of their houses or one of them coming to ours. In smaller towns where people stay and have had family their for years, you see this a lot, too. No one goes anywhere and everyone already knows everyone. Even though we have more and more to make our lives easier and give us more free time, people seem busier today than 30 years ago.

    My youngest son is very social and even if one of his friends moves away, when they come into town they visit him. It's also easier to keep in touch through social media with friends who move away so you can keep that friendship. It just takes the effort. Not being able to get together today doesn't always mean they're gone for good.
     
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  6. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    If they are really good friends, even if they move away, you might still talk remotely and you can even play games remotely. You can talk to your friend(s) beforehand since you know they will be moving a way to try to work something out so that you don't lose touch with them.
     
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  7. Markness

    Markness Young God

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    My depression has really become worse this year. Before this year, I had no trouble getting up to take a shower and go outside for a walk. Now, especially after COVID hit, I don’t want to get up until I absolutely can’t avoid doing so and I have to make myself take a walk. I want to feel better because my mind keeps telling me that I am going to keep suffering until I die and I get suicidal ideations.
     
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  8. Markness

    Markness Young God

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    I was bullied as a child but I wasn’t always nice myself. I sometimes wonder if my actions that weren’t friendly towards others has cursed me to suffer for the rest of my life. Maybe that’s why friends leave my life, why I don’t have a girlfriend, why women aren’t interested in me, and why I can’t excel at things like the guitar or drawing?
     
  9. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    You aren't cursed, you're depressed. Friends leave everyone's lives, and lots of people don't easily get into relationships. Maybe you are a bit dyspraxic, it often goes with autism, I tried for many years not to excel but to be adequate at guitar, it didn't happen. I quite enjoyed trying though. And I can't draw well, either.

    But I can do some stuff well, and better than many, and so can you Markness, we can't always choose our talents, but we can use what we have. Try dwelling on positives more, maybe some positive mantras about what you do cope with and manage, and try some meditation recordings and relaxation hypnosis recordings I love those, so calming and positive. Then have a walk, and think about developing some of your interests.
     
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  10. Esa

    Esa Well-Known Member

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    Most people don’t excel at things. They may be good at them, but being excellent at something is entirely different.
    However, you don’t need to be excellent in anything to be appreciated.
    People move on and most of the time they move on “from each other.”
    Sometimes we just have to accept that they have their own lives, priorities and choices. None of those things define our value in life.
    Your loneliness isn’t a curse or a punishment.
     
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  11. Markness

    Markness Young God

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    Partly why I feel so upset about not having a relationship is because all four of my siblings are married and have children while I’ve tried my hardest to get a coffee date but I can’t even achieve that. I also used to hope I would become a professional musician or artist to prove those who said either endeavor was a “waste of time” wrong and it hurts that I couldn’t.

    I have been utilizing guided meditation videos lately.
     
  12. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    This is tough for you, but your siblings possibly are not up against depression, or autism? Or they're just luckier. We are all different, and you have different sensitivities and needs from them, I expect. Work on feeling better, and getting out and about, the rest follows, finding friends and dates.

    Wow, the idea of pursuing music or art being a waste of time is bizarre! These are fascinating hobbies for possibly more than half of the world's population! They help us express ourselves, and to relax, one doesn't even have to be good at them either to get those benefits, let alone excellent.

    Guided meditations can be great, I have found, calming and enjoyable. I hope you have found some good ones.
     
  13. Markness

    Markness Young God

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    No, my siblings aren’t on the spectrum and had little to no trouble socializing. I was shamed by my older brother for my social difficulties and my parents refused to teach me how to interact unless it was to punish me for anything I did “wrong” because they were more worried about “looking bad” in the eyes of others instead of understanding my struggles. The odd thing is that I was often told in my teens and early 20’s that women should be chasing me and I should be beating them off with a stick. Not that I would hit a woman with a stick, they are most definitely not chasing me. But sometimes old ladies would flirt on me and it would be so embarrassing.
     
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  14. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Yes I remember being really puzzled by social interaction and how to make friends. I don't think I have all the neurons I need to do it, or possibly I have more than I need, but one way or another it isn't something I understand or can do. It's a classic element of autism, but that doesn't mean we can't get around it somewhat, and clearly you have developed strategies. Mostly mine have been to be in places where there are others, usually at paid work, and get some social needs met via that, and make a friend or two there.

    But I also went to a lot of interest based classes or groups over the years, and did trainings I enjoyed. I did a lot of therapy too, it was helpful plus I met a lot of nice people in therapy groups. It's a way of learning something about interacting, in a supportive environment. I didn't realise I was up against autism, I thought I was shy and inept and had a difficult family, which was true too.

    I recommend group therapy, when it's possible to mix with others again, it was a lifeline to me at one time, and btw there's usually relatively more women in therapy groups than other genders, so that might help with extending your experience of meeting and getting to know some women.
     
  15. Markness

    Markness Young God

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    I see a therapist but her advice I usually can’t apply because people around me are so stand-offish, there are no social groups in my city that don’t cater to only beer drinkers and cigarette smokers as well as football and gun fanatics except for one I stopped going to because I got treated poorly, the people I work with don’t invite me to do anything, and no one ever introduces me to any single women.

    I really hate my life due to all the things that have stacked the deck against me. :(
     
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  16. Markness

    Markness Young God

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    I was confused as well and sometimes jealous which got me reprimanded by teachers.
     
  17. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I bet there are therapy groups running near you, your therapist may know of ways to find one. Once we can get out and about again more.

    Yes teachers often seem pretty hopeless at helping with young people's social and emotional issues, unfortunately. I think many of them aren't so great at relating themselves.
     
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  18. Markness

    Markness Young God

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    I am seeing her on Monday and I feel like I might cry when I talk to her.

    It doesn’t help that most people I encounter think there’s only “normal” and “mentally retarded” when it comes to cognitive states.
     
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  19. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Wow that's a difficult set of people you have to contend with around mental health. But when you read what others are up against here on this forum, you probably hear some experiences you can relate to? I know I do.

    There's actually nothing a lot of therapist's like better than for you to have a good cry. Because of expression of emotion generally being seen as good for you. It can be a release of stress. And helps get through things. When life gets more normal soon, perhaps you can join some classes or groups, that will be interesting and take your mind of the worries you have. Things will sort out.

    It's good you've have an appointment it's a chance to express how things are for you, at least.
     
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  20. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    There's nothing wrong with crying in front of therapist or a good friend. Hopefully, those people will be supportive and can help you deal with these situations effectively.
     
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