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Having children alone?

manca

manca

Well-Known Member
Just something I'm thinking about... Not planning, at least not for years.

With my high expectations from people, not going out and bad social skills when meeting new people, it's very unlikely I'll find a partner. I'm fine with that. But I've always wanted kids. I love them, my nieces, nephews. They love me too. I'm not ready to give up on that dream.

So once, when I'll have a stable job... I want a child. I'm not sure about adopting, I know two families that had really hard time adopting a child here, I'm pretty sure it would be quite impossible to do it if you're single. Artificial insemination? What are your thoughts about it? Do you want children and how do you plan to cope with it if you don't find a partner?
 
I feel the same way. I would like to adopt. Apparently, According to the U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services, in 2000 33% of adopting parents were single. However, in order to adopt, I would need to be well off financially, and my future financial life looks almost as dreary as my current/future social life.
I have found meaning in caring for other people's children, but that becomes painful when it is time to say goodbye to the child, and when you know you will never see them again.
 
I always thought that if I wanted children I would stay single and adopt one. Alas, adoption is a long and (from what I have heard) difficult and very, very expensive way to go. Lacking a uterus, it would unfortunately be my only option. While I know single mothers who have adopted, I do not know how much more difficult it would be as a single (though asexual) man--especially considering I would likely opt for a girl.

In any case, you are (both) definitely right in that financial stability is an imperative prerequisite.

Other thoughts?
 
Having a child alone can work for some people. A stable job is just one requirement, though. Your job schedule must coordinate with your child's school schedule. Not to mention pedagogical days & other school holidays where you'd likely be working. Un-coordinating time schedules means having to pay for a fleet of care-givers such as nannies, baby sitters & daycare. Unless your income is truly high, you could wind up working just to cover child-care costs! Also, as Aspies, we tend to need alone time. As a single parent, you are on the job 24/7 as there is no other parent to share the tasks of parenting. Kids can be un-relenting: I know. I raised 2! Kids cannot be told that maman or papa needs to go off into Aspie-land & zone out. This can lead to you being on-edge as a parent & having melt-downs that freak your child out. A 2nd parent with compatible (NOT necessarily identical) quirks can be a real boon: your child will want to have sleep-overs, go on play-dates & YOU will have to socialize with other parents. If your partner is more sociable (has facial expressions, emotions, & can chit-chat) it will render your child's social life more normal. An Aspie stare on an expressionless face can make other parents think you are a dangerous nut & they won't want their child around yours.

Another benefit to having 2 parents is that household tasks multiply when a kid is factored in: they make huge messes & if maintaining a clean house is not your fort?, having a partner who is good at this is practical.

Single parenting works well for many people & co-parenting is another option. At least today, Aspie or not, there are many possibilities.
 
wyverary said:
I always thought that if I wanted children I would stay single and adopt one. Alas, adoption is a long and (from what I have heard) difficult and very, very expensive way to go. Lacking a uterus, it would unfortunately be my only option. While I know single mothers who have adopted, I do not know how much more difficult it would be as a single (though asexual) man--especially considering I would likely opt for a girl.

In any case, you are (both) definitely right in that financial stability is an imperative prerequisite.

Other thoughts?
Click to expand...

It might be harder, but single men do adopt.
A Single Man
 
A lot of women would just "One Night Stand" it and move on.
Having raised mine as both a coupled and a single parent, I would say a couple offers great advantages to everyone. This does not have to be someone you are in Love with, but would in fact be better if it were someone you were good friends with instead. Find someone who will be a good parent. Remember, lovers come and go, but your kids parents stay for the rest of your life.
 
Peace said:
A lot of women would just "One Night Stand" it and move on.
Having raised mine as both a coupled and a single parent, I would say a couple offers great advantages to everyone. This does not have to be someone you are in Love with, but would in fact be better if it were someone you were good friends with instead. Find someone who will be a good parent. Remember, lovers come and go, but your kids parents stay for the rest of your life.
Click to expand...
Um,...you did catch the part about the reason we were thinking of parenting as single persons being that our social lives/prospect-of-having-people-in-our-lives are/perhaps-will-be so non-existent?
:twins::twins::twins: ............................................................. :unsure:
 
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Oh come on! We are not talking about a relationship here. Anyone can get laid and be a single parent if they choose. I am not advocating for that, but it is a possibility that looks much easier and cheaper than adoption.
Ste11aeres said:
Um,...you did catch the part about the reason we were thinking of parenting as single persons being that our social lives/prospect-of-having-people-in-our-lives are/perhaps-will-be so non-existent?
:twins::twins::twins: ............................................................. :unsure:
Click to expand...
 
Peace said:
Oh come on! We are not talking about a relationship here. Anyone can get laid and be a single parent if they choose. I am not advocating for that, but it is a possibility that looks much easier and cheaper than adoption.
Click to expand...
Actually, i was referring to the part about the advantages of being a couple. The advantages of which I do not dispute. ;)
"Getting laid" is cheap and possible, but against my religious convictions (and emotionally, I'm not right for it. :pray: )
 
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Ste11aeres said:
Um,...you did catch the part about the reason we were thinking of parenting as single persons being that our social lives/prospect-of-having-people-in-our-lives are/perhaps-will-be so non-existent?
:twins::twins::twins: ............................................................. :unsure:
Click to expand...

If you're a woman and you're just looking for sex, it isn't hard to find. It doesn't even matter if you're butt ugly. If you don't believe me, take a look around at many single mothers. :wink:
 
Aspie parents are some of the best parents I know. If you have the financial means, and are dedicated...find a way. Just make sure you have some sort of support system of friends, just in case.
 
Dedicated, loving, playful, protective, understanding, patient, supportive... the list goes on and on.

All parents have good and bad qualities. The aspie father's I know have bad qualities too, but they do their very best. In my book, that's better than those that don't try at all, those who half-ass it, and those who pretend.
 
asnlifecoach said:
Dedicated, loving, playful, protective, understanding, patient, supportive... the list goes on and on.

All parents have good and bad qualities. The aspie father's I know have bad qualities too, but they do their very best. In my book, that's better than those that don't try at all, those who half-ass it, and those who pretend.
Click to expand...
It really depends on the individuals.
 
Having a child alone can work for some people. A stable job is just one requirement, though. Your job schedule must coordinate with your child's school schedule. Not to mention pedagogical days & other school holidays where you'd likely be working. Un-coordinating time schedules means having to pay for a fleet of care-givers such as nannies, baby sitters & daycare. Unless your income is truly high, you could wind up working just to cover child-care costs! Also, as Aspies, we tend to need alone time. As a single parent, you are on the job 24/7 as there is no other parent to share the tasks of parenting. Kids can be un-relenting: I know. I raised 2! Kids cannot be told that maman or papa needs to go off into Aspie-land & zone out. This can lead to you being on-edge as a parent & having melt-downs that freak your child out. A 2nd parent with compatible (NOT necessarily identical) quirks can be a real boon: your child will want to have sleep-overs, go on play-dates & YOU will have to socialize with other parents. If your partner is more sociable (has facial expressions, emotions, & can chit-chat) it will render your child's social life more normal. An Aspie stare on an expressionless face can make other parents think you are a dangerous nut & they won't want their child around yours.

Another benefit to having 2 parents is that household tasks multiply when a kid is factored in: they make huge messes & if maintaining a clean house is not your fort?, having a partner who is good at this is practical.

Single parenting works well for many people & co-parenting is another option. At least today, Aspie or not, there are many possibilities.
Click to expand...

Certainly lots to think about... Thanks.

A lot of women would just "One Night Stand" it and move on.
Having raised mine as both a coupled and a single parent, I would say a couple offers great advantages to everyone. This does not have to be someone you are in Love with, but would in fact be better if it were someone you were good friends with instead. Find someone who will be a good parent. Remember, lovers come and go, but your kids parents stay for the rest of your life.
Click to expand...
It would be really hard for me to have a one night stand. I can hardly talk with someone I don't know, and touching would be awful. I can't imagine how that would end...

Of course having a partner would be great, but finding one (and a good one) is quite hard, if not impossible. It would still be my first choice, but I'm not giving up on kids if it doesn't happen.
I know I could count on my parents to help me with child and my sister's family, cousins...
 
manca said:
It would be really hard for me to have a one night stand. I can hardly talk with someone I don't know, and touching would be awful. I can't imagine how that would end...
Click to expand...

Is the use of donor semen an option in your country? Or I know of lesbian couples who have used semen from a male friend but did not actually have sex with him. you would need to know the donor very well in the latter case though, and it might even be advisable to draw up a contract in case his attitude changes later on.
 
There are many many reasons NOT to have a one night stand with the intention of getting pregnant without the other's consent. But the most obvious reason is that the father of the child will have rights that he may or may not demand. If it turns out you don't like this person, that can make parenting a whole lot harder than it will already be. There is also the issue of STDs and other illnesses, that may or may not pass on to your child. That would be irresponsible parenting before you even get pregnant...plus the fact that you may not get pregnant at all with one encounter. Bad plan all around.
 
Many of the single parents I know are struggling financially, and while that does not make them bad parents, it does leave their children at a distinct disadvantage in an increasingly competitive world. I know all too well what it is like to have to stand on the sidelines and not take part in activities other than the very cheapest because "we don't have the money." And I came from a two-parent but one-income family. My better-off peers were not understanding or sympathetic and I found myself left out of a lot of things that others took for granted. It still hurts after all these years. I think that is why I get involved in so many things now, it's because I am making up for lost time. So, no, personally, I don't recommend single parenthood unless you have a really good income--and a good support system around you. It is why I chose not to become a parent.
 
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