Having asperger syndrome has been making me depressed/suicidal. Please help me.

[Samuel]

I'm just a 17 year old male and i have aspergers. I was diagnosed when i was 8 according to my parents but i actually didn't find out i had it until i was 14. Although i've dealt with the struggles of the condition pretty much my whole life so far, it wasn't until i started high school almost 2 years ago that i realised how much an awful person it has made me over the years and it's caused me a lot of depression ever since and i also think about suicide just about everyday.

I have several things that are worth living for like a roof over my head, great parents that show me a lot of love and affection, a few good friends, but i just don't know if these things are enough to make me want to suffer through this living hell for the next 50+ years.

Not only am i a socially awkward freak but a lot of the time i can come off as a big a** hole for practically no reason. I don't mean to, but i just get so annoyed by people that i often act like that when they bug me. I'm also horrible at doing basic everyday living tasks so im worried that i'll never go to college and be stuck living with my parents forever. I would try to improve myself, but i hate myself so much that i can't even focus on getting better! I'm just tired of living in a world where people don't understand me and i don't understand people, i'm tired of being way too jelous of every person who is better and more successful than me even in the slightest, i'm tired of longing for my future life goals that i may not achieve at this point, i'm tired of thinking about the same exact problems without coming up with a solution, i'm tired of telling myself everday how much of a worthless human being i am, i'm tired of thinking so negatively, and most of all i'm tired of being ridiculed and looked down upon by the people in this messed up world!!!

So I'm sorry if i sound overly negative, but i just need some help because i've been very depressed for almost 2 years. I'm trying extremely hard not to resort to killing myself because i don't want to be selfish or hurt those i love, but i just really need some support right now. Help me... please.

 

[Dillon]

You sound just like me and I feel like getting upset over what you are going through. I also felt like giving up, feeling like no one will understand me because I felt awkward. I used to have suicidal thoughts back in high school
( and also accidentally had the thoughts again a few months ago because of a overdose of meds I was not suppose to be on).
I still feel that way sometimes how people don’t understand me how I don’t feel included like other people but I tend not to care what other people think of me and you shouldn’t either.
I just finished my first year at a 4 year University and to me that’s incredible. I thought I would never make it to college and never do the things I am doing now.

Let me get to the point lol, I just never gave up. No matter how dark things may seem I’ve always find light at the end of the tunnel.

I can say that things are going to get better for when you progress, knowing that you will have people who will understand. High school is tough even for me but once you get to college you was will start have a different point of view in things in a more positive aspect. Also, do not worry and doubt yourself in what may or may not happen in years to come because they will turn out great. Just know you have people who understand you already such as people like me even though I don’t know you at all so don’t doubt that either.

Also if you ever feel like you’re a jerk to anyone again here’s what I do. I usually have a talk with myself and I apologize to the person depending on how bad it was. Explanations such as you were having a bad day or whatever are what I use and it’s usually true. I’m sure the people who you didn’t mean to be rude to truly understand that and see you as a good person that you are.

 

[Mia]

Hi Samuel,

I think that you are experiencing so many things at the same time, that's it's confusing and frustrating.

Recall vividly being your age, and it was a difficult time. It's a critical age seventeen, and it's also the beginning of your life as an adult. You have many things to do and find out and discover in your future.

Maybe you can expand and think about why you feel you are such an awful person. From your writing here I don't think you are. Have you been in trouble with the police? Have you broken laws? Have you done anything that would land you in jail? If not, then you are not an awful person. Even though you might feel that way at the moment.

When I was your age, everything I thought and did seemed so world shattering and serious to me. And looking back, it probably wasn't, but it certainly felt that way at the time. You will get though this.

Here are some suggestions:

Doing something is always better than waiting for something to happen.

A small job may open the door to something much better. Think about a healthy daily routine: getting out the house, living a scheduled life and exercising are moves in the right direction. Small incremental steps, going for a walk for example might help you think differently. A bike ride, a swim, doing something that you enjoy. Might lead the way to something else, and less worry on your part.

 

[Catana]

Well, if it's any help, here's my story. I've always been an outsider, out of step, clueless when I was young. I was never diagnosed (born before it was even something anyone ever heard of.) I self-identified in my 60s. I'm 81 now. You're probably always going to be out of step one way or another, but that doesn't predict your future. Some things will always be hard. But there's no one on earth who has everything easy. Do you have at least normal intelligence? If so, you're capable of learning, both about yourself and about the world. It's a lifelong process and a rewarding one. Or you can just sit around and feel sorry for yourself (At 17! Sheesh!) I hope that coming to this forum is a sign that you want to change things instead of living in an endless pity party. There are lots of good people here, with lots of experience. Ask and you shall receive. But it's up to you to do something with what you receive.

 

[Thinx]

Hi Samuel, this sounds very tough for you. I m sorry to hear how difficult things are. It was brave of you to post about it here and reach out, and this is a good place to do that because a lot of us understand some of what you are experiencing. I didn't have enough social skills to cope well at school and that's quite isolating. My family couldn't help and probably most of them had autistic traits or other problems that made it hard for them to be usefully helpful.

It seems great that you have some support from family and some friends that's a fairly good start because it shows that although you maybe have bad days or get a bit cranky, it's not so much that others can't see beyond it and love and value you for all your many qualities that make you a unique person. I would love to hear about some of those!

Like, how come your friends want to spend time with you? What do they see in you that you haven't posted here, about who Samuel is underneath any cranky behaviours or angst? What are your interests, what do you enjoy, what's an activity that makes you happy, and how might you do more of it? I can see that you are brave and articulate, those are much more important qualities than tidiness or cleaning up or cooking! I went to university and I ll tell you there's some people there with zero skills in self care who have a good time and get by fine.

Remember that originality is an important quality. Having a different take on things may make it hard to fit in at school and at home sometimes, but it also means you're an original thinker, and that is valuable in life and in work. Be yourself.

You sound like an original, thoughtful, interesting, intelligent person, with a conscience about how you may affect others and an ability to express yourself with clarity. Try to build up your awareness of what you have that's great and turn down the volume on what is supposedly wrong with you. None of the issues you have mentioned will stop a person doing fine in life. Yes maybe you can spend a bit of time on learning some living skills but honestly you might have better things to do! Like, whatever you enjoy and what interests and motivates you.

 

[SusanLR]

Welcome here.
Like @Catana , I am an older Aspie and when I was young no one knew anything about it.
It was rough and I ran from a lot of my problems instead of facing them.
Now that I am in a position where I am forced to face them, it's like the can't teach a 60 yr. old dog new tricks. I just do my best. Only diagnosed 3 yrs. ago.

Looking back I can only say I wish I had known when I was young.
That is what I would offer to you also when you feel the way you do.
Be glad you know.
It may not make the tough times feel better, but, it will help you make more informed decisions
and try while you are still young. You have time to take it all in and make progress.

 

[Progster]

You say that you have a few things that a worth living for. Try some meditation or mindfulness. When you feel down, clear your mind of all thought and concentrate on observing what's around you, the sights and sounds, to dispell the negative thoughts. Then, think about the things that you know are worth living for.

 

[Panthro]

I'm just a 17 year old male and i have aspergers. I was diagnosed when i was 8 according to my parents but i actually didn't find out i had it until i was 14. Although i've dealt with the struggles of the condition pretty much my whole life so far, it wasn't until i started high school almost 2 years ago that i realised how much an awful person it has made me over the years and it's caused me a lot of depression ever since and i also think about suicide just about everyday.

I have several things that are worth living for like a roof over my head, great parents that show me a lot of love and affection, a few good friends, but i just don't know if these things are enough to make me want to suffer through this living hell for the next 50+ years.

Not only am i a socially awkward freak but a lot of the time i can come off as a big a** hole for practically no reason. I don't mean to, but i just get so annoyed by people that i often act like that when they bug me. I'm also horrible at doing basic everyday living tasks so im worried that i'll never go to college and be stuck living with my parents forever. I would try to improve myself, but i hate myself so much that i can't even focus on getting better! I'm just tired of living in a world where people don't understand me and i don't understand people, i'm tired of being way too jelous of every person who is better and more successful than me even in the slightest, i'm tired of longing for my future life goals that i may not achieve at this point, i'm tired of thinking about the same exact problems without coming up with a solution, i'm tired of telling myself everday how much of a worthless human being i am, i'm tired of thinking so negatively, and most of all i'm tired of being ridiculed and looked down upon by the people in this messed up world!!!

So I'm sorry if i sound overly negative, but i just need some help because i've been very depressed for almost 2 years. I'm trying extremely hard not to resort to killing myself because i don't want to be selfish or hurt those i love, but i just really need some support right now. Help me... please.

I know how you feel! I go through periods like this probably every other month. Sometimes I feel pessimistic and think that there will be no happy ending for me. However my best advice is to just fight on! There was a time that I made a decision that I was going to end my life, i had it all planned, and was going to go through with it, but I did not. As a result, there have been so many amazing moments that have happened that I would have missed out on if I had done that, also there were moments where I realized that I meant more to certain people than I had realized, and that my death would have impacted them more than I realized. 17 is way young, you have your whole life ahead of you. Everyone here would literally give anything to go back to your age and do things all over again.

Personally, I didnt finally start figuring out how someone with my brain wiring is supposed to live life until I was 30 (this is when I first learned what aspergers is). There are so many great experiences in your life that await you going forward and you have to continue to fight on. Also you owe it to your parents, as they will be the ones that will have to deal with the fallout of your decision for the rest of their lives, would you really want to do that to them? The thought of this happening to my parents might be the only reason I am still around to write this post to you. Anyways, I hope that helps! Keep fighting on!

 

[Bolletje]

I feel for you. I’m an Aspie in my thirties, but I recall my high school years were the most brutal years of my life because I never felt more alien. All I can say is, it gets better. Social skills can be learned. You’ll never be a natural, but you will get better. Work on improving yourself as a person. Get a class in social skills. Take a few courses. Get a workout routine. It’ll be hard work, but it will pay off in the long run.

 

[WereBear]

My first and foremost advice for you is this:

Stop trying to fit in.

Because:

• It won’t happen
• Too much faking it is exhausting, even dangerous
• That energy is better used for other things

I never got anywhere until I figured out my own ways of doing things. I, too, was born before anyone knew what the Spectrum was, and — good or bad — I had to make my own quirky way in the world.

I got into computers, which was about how well you could make things work, not what you looked like doing it.

I discarded the “hint to your husband” instructions I got being raised pre-liberation, told my romantic partners what I wanted, and they were thrilled to get clear instructions.

I figured out my own approach to my own passions regardless of “what society thinks” and now I am creating my own career based on what I figured out, myself, about cats.

At all costs avoid trying to do The Impossible Task, that will create depression and despair. Be a good person in your own way, a friend in your own way, a person who spends their time figuring out how to contribute in their own way.

And things will improve. Honest.

 

[Catana]

@Samuel Something I should have mentioned in my first comment: My life hasn't been a living hell, and I haven't suffered through it. If that's your view of the future, you're just making it harder for yourself. And I'll repeat WereBear's advice -- Stop trying to fit in. Believe it or not, fitting in isn't the be all and end all of life. You will find a few real friends as you go along; for most of the rest, be willing to skim the surface or stay on the outskirts. After all, how many real friends do you think most adults have, even NTs?

@SusanLR I have to disagree that you can't teach an old dog new tricks. It just takes a willingness to do the work. There are some things you'll never be able to change significantly, but plenty of things you can. And you can learn how to work around the others so they are less of an obstacle.

I can look back and see how certain aspects of my life would have been easier with the knowledge that is available today, but I still made it through.

 

[Samuel]

Hi Samuel, this sounds very tough for you. I m sorry to hear how difficult things are. It was brave of you to post about it here and reach out, and this is a good place to do that because a lot of us understand some of what you are experiencing. I didn't have enough social skills to cope well at school and that's quite isolating. My family couldn't help and probably most of them had autistic traits or other problems that made it hard for them to be usefully helpful.

It seems great that you have some support from family and some friends that's a fairly good start because it shows that although you maybe have bad days or get a bit cranky, it's not so much that others can't see beyond it and love and value you for all your many qualities that make you a unique person. I would love to hear about some of those!

Like, how come your friends want to spend time with you? What do they see in you that you haven't posted here, about who Samuel is underneath any cranky behaviours or angst? What are your interests, what do you enjoy, what's an activity that makes you happy, and how might you do more of it? I can see that you are brave and articulate, those are much more important qualities than tidiness or cleaning up or cooking! I went to university and I ll tell you there's some people there with zero skills in self care who have a good time and get by fine.

Remember that originality is an important quality. Having a different take on things may make it hard to fit in at school and at home sometimes, but it also means you're an original thinker, and that is valuable in life and in work. Be yourself.

You sound like an original, thoughtful, interesting, intelligent person, with a conscience about how you may affect others and an ability to express yourself with clarity. Try to build up your awareness of what you have that's great and turn down the volume on what is supposedly wrong with you. None of the issues you have mentioned will stop a person doing fine in life. Yes maybe you can spend a bit of time on learning some living skills but honestly you might have better things to do! Like, whatever you enjoy and what interests and motivates you.

Well if you're so curious to know more about me then i'll gladly tell you. I have at least 4 people in my life who i consider real friends. 3 of them are Nt's, but the fourth one actually has aspergers himself so he has a lot of the same characteristics as me. I think my Nt friends enjoy spending time with me because they just think i have a unique personality and they're more accepting of people like me. In fact one of my Nt friends has been my best friend for over 5 years and he's like a brother to me.

I think the reason why i get so cranky a lot of the time is because i always isolate myself in my own little world like most aspies, so i get really mad when people try to intervene in my world. Wether it's my family, people at school, even my friends on very rare occasions etc. I'm also angry at the world for what i am and i'm so jelous of other people's lives that i get angry over that too. I've had anger issues for as long as i can remember and they've only gotten worse now that i'm a teenager.

I appreciate that you think i'm an intelligent person, but i don't think i'm that smart at all. If anything i think my iq might be below average because i can't seem to find anything i'm particularly good at. I'll just have to talk to my parents about getting my iq tested because i've been meaning to find out for a long time. I'm honestly hopping that some day i'll be able to make big accomplishments in this world just like aspies like Temple Grandin, Albert Einstein, and Bill Gates, but in order for that to happen i'll need to start with learning to love myself and focusing on things that i can improve upon. Thank you so much for your response! I'll definitely keep your advice in mind and hopefully it will come in handy in the future.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

You are 17. Of course you are useless at everything. Everyone is at that age. It takes hard work to become good at something, unfortunately most of us don't start until we are 25 and we might become useful at something by 30-35. If you start now you have an advantage. Social skills are easy. It just takes practice. I was crap at it all my life, and within 5 years of making a serious effort I was extremely liked by everyone I wanted to be liked by while still being able to scar people down to their very souls should I feel like it.

I can't understand the jealousy you have for others. I was always surrounded by stupid people so I never had anyone I could look up to. Maybe it's an advantage since you have role models? What do they do right? Well... start doing that too. Get out of your comfort zone.

Try a few of those crappy online tests for IQ. If you score like 140 you probably ain't stupid. At 120 or less you might want to get a real test (Culture Fair ones are no-nonsense IQ tests, the others tend to be filled with nonsense you don't need). It's an important metric to know anyway, and if it's high you might actually feel better about yourself.

And didn't you make a thread on asking a girl out? How can you think of killing yourself with all of that going on? Just remember, cute girls await!

By the way, how is designing machines used to kill zillions of cows a "big accomplishment"? I'd say that's the negative of a "big accomplishment".

 

[Samuel]

You are 17. Of course you are useless at everything. Everyone is at that age. It takes hard work to become good at something, unfortunately most of us don't start until we are 25 and we might become useful at something by 30-35. If you start now you have an advantage. Social skills are easy. It just takes practice. I was crap at it all my life, and within 5 years of making a serious effort I was extremely liked by everyone I wanted to be liked by while still being able to scar people down to their very souls should I feel like it.

I can't understand the jealousy you have for others. I was always surrounded by stupid people so I never had anyone I could look up to. Maybe it's an advantage since you have role models? What do they do right? Well... start doing that too. Get out of your comfort zone.

Try a few of those crappy online tests for IQ. If you score like 140 you probably ain't stupid. At 120 or less you might want to get a real test (Culture Fair ones are no-nonsense IQ tests, the others tend to be filled with nonsense you don't need). It's an important metric to know anyway, and if it's high you might actually feel better about yourself.

And didn't you make a thread on asking a girl out? How can you think of killing yourself with all of that going on? Just remember, cute girls await!

By the way, how is designing machines used to kill zillions of cows a "big accomplishment"? I'd say that's the negative of a "big accomplishment".

Ok first of all when i said that i was wanting to get my IQ tested i ment that i wanted to get it tested by a professional and not on some crappy website. Second, just because i'm trying to get some girl to like me doesn't mean i'm incapable of thinking about suicide. Hell i have no idea when i'm going to kill myself or if i'm even going to do it at all, it just happens to be on my mind everyday. Third, i never said that Temple Grandin made a big accomplishment by designing machines used to kill zillions of cows but she has accomplished a lot over the years in the sense that she has given people a much better understanding of what autism is and how the autistic brain works. She's a big inspiration to people like me with autism, and i'm sure she inspirses Nt's too who are trying to make sense of the autism spectrum e.x. parents with an autistic child.

 

[Crossbreed]

My autism only started to make sense after I began to see the BIG PICTURE. 4SLaws

 

[BandAid]

Stop trying to please people or make them happy, being selfish can be healthy from time to time. If you can't help yourself first you won't be able to help anyone else. People's opinions don't matter, the fact that everyone has so many of them in itself makes them worthless. Once you get older and wiser you will see just how utterly wrong and inefficient the majority of people really are. Find something you enjoy and just stick with it, It doesn't matter if you're very good at it, only with time will expertise come. The important thing is that you enjoy doing it, once you come to realize just how unimportant the thoughts of others are and stop letting them have an effect on you I think you may find the world much more tolerable.

 

[FreeDiver]

I appreciate that you think i'm an intelligent person, but i don't think i'm that smart at all. If anything i think my iq might be below average because i can't seem to find anything i'm particularly good at. I'll just have to talk to my parents about getting my iq tested because i've been meaning to find out for a long time. I'm honestly hopping that some day i'll be able to make big accomplishments in this world just like aspies like Temple Grandin, Albert Einstein, and Bill Gates, but in order for that to happen i'll need to start with learning to love myself and focusing on things that i can improve upon. Thank you so much for your response! I'll definitely keep your advice in mind and hopefully it will come in handy in the future.

If lack of intelligence is what you're so worried about. Just remember this. Intelligence does not equal wisdom. When I was 12 years old. I scored a genius level on the IQ test at that time. If I had known back then what I know today. I would've tried to flunk that test. All that genius score did was make my academic life miserable. Passing that IQ test did nothing but raise the expectation bar so high that there's was no way to jump over it. Remember, don't run a sprint if you're expected to run a marathon.

 

[SusanLR]

I have to disagree that you can't teach an old dog new tricks. It just takes a willingness to do the work. There are some things you'll never be able to change significantly, but plenty of things you can. And you can learn how to work around the others so they are less of an obstacle.

I can look back and see how certain aspects of my life would have been easier with the knowledge that is available today, but I still made it through.

I sure agree even an old dog could make certain changes if they needed or wanted to.
Things like social skills or scripting that would help in the work place to get along better with others.
That's why taking the steps when you are still young is a great asset.
It just isn't a need in my life now since I am retired and past what could have been helpful when
younger.
Yes, I made it through, too.
Would have been nicer than just survived it though.
That's why @Samuel I would take advantage of your age and be happy you know.
Taking steps now will ensure a much better future.
Age 17? Plenty of time to work with it.

Maybe the fundamental inner feelings of not being able to connect and the lonliness could have even
been improved upon had I known. Those are the things I don't know how to change at my age.
But, I'm getting therapy regardless. It may feel the emotions won't change, but who knows?

 

[WildCat]

You're 17, right? 18 soon? No matter...been there, done that and glad it's all over. One thing to try: stop using others as a benchmark to compare yourself to. You are not them and you cannot be them, which is fine. Be realistic here and carve out your own path in life, not someone else's. Temple Grandin is no doubt autistic, sure; Gates and Einstein on the other hand (the other two big names that get a lot of mention for some reason...is it the intellect? Success?) are only speculated to be on the spectrum. They may show traits of it, but that in itself doesn't mean they are autistic.

Another thing: once you start thinking things through you'll probably grow out of this phase in time. If that doesn't happen to be the case, then what you need is professional help to deal with your problems, with advice on online forums as a secondary tool rather than a substitute for practical help. I say wait another decade or so and come back to us with a update

 

[Bella Pines]

Would you ever treat your mother like that?

Would you ever tell her that she is a worthless human being, a socially awkward freak and a general a** hole? Imagine for a second yelling those things at her, imagine how upset she would be. I'm hoping you wouldn't, that whatever logic passes for an aspie conscience would prevent you treating another person like that. So answer me this, why would you treat yourself like this? Why would you say things like this about yourself? There is no logical reason for it. It's okay to have aspergers, it's quirky, we are capable of independent thought. We are awesome. So I would urge you to stop treating yourself like this and to show some respect for yourself and your gifts.

You seem to be trying so hard that you're exhausting me just thinking about it. So calm down, relax, find something about yourself to respect and go from there. It could be anything. I started with my ability to shop, I like my ability to shop for hours, endlessly. I also like my hair. In the meantime here is some recommended reading that I would class as the best 'self help' for aspies book I've ever found:

https://www.amazon.com/Fish-Could-W...56477&sr=8-1&keywords=the+fish+who+could+wish