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Haven't had sex with my husband in ten months and I am freaking out

A

aries_wife

Active Member
*waves hello*

I'm new here. I wanted to get some advice. My hubby is most likely on the spectrum. He's never been formally diagnosed, but he has all of the symptoms. When we first started dating fourteen years ago, I noticed that something was different about him, but did not know what. I have a friend who's an aspie, and I noticed that a lot of behaviors matched hers. I fell down a rabbit hole of research and realized that he's probably an aspie, too. (And myself, to a lesser degree, but that's another post).

Hubby and I have been fairly regularly sexually active up until ten months ago, when he started making excuses. After awhile, it became very clear that he just didn't want to have sex, but just wasn't going to tell me. This coincided with when I began asking for foreplay.

You see, he doesn't give any. AT ALL. His idea is to kiss for a few minutes and get right down to it. As you probably know...that just doesn't work. It's been like that since the beginning. As for why I never said anything till now? Two reasons. One, I was struggling with how to do it without hurting his feelings, and two, I had just come out of an abusive marriage and was so traumatized that I literally couldn't. I didn't trust yet that I wouldn't get hurt again for asking for something I needed. I knew in my heart that he wouldn't hurt me, but trauma was screwing with me bigtime. So I let it go.

I was very nice and very careful about it when I asked. I put it into terms of him helping me have a more pleasurable experience rather than he's not doing something. I asked nicely, and I gave him a few suggestions of things to try, things I like. Easy things. I didn't push, and I went slow. Very slow.

He'd tell me he'd try, he was good with it, and then....nothing. He'd make another excuse for sex.

So then I asked him if he was cheating, if I was unattractive, if something about me repulsed him....I'd gained a lot of weight in the past ten years and I wondered if maybe he thought I was too overweight and not attractive. He denied all of it. Told me I was still beautiful and he wasn't cheating. For the record - I don't think he's capable of cheating. He is so devoted to me, in every other way.

I started thinking and realized that he would never touch my nether regions. Never. Ever. Not even a brush of his hand. And I asked him about it....if he was afraid of it....or he was repulsed...if he didn't like it....or something....he made a comment about "not liking the secretions" but otherwise it was okay. But still, would not touch it. Even when I suggested a few very simple very easy things to try to acclimate him to that area.

I should probably mention that he waited till marriage to have sex with his first wife (he was in his 30s) and she was supposedly a virgin too, so neither of them knew anything. So he's very inexperienced. No one apparently clued him into anything. However - I've been trying to educate him. It really doesn't appear to be helping.

So here we are, ten months with no sex, he's still saying he wants to, he still loves me, but is making excuses. I can't tell you how horribly frustrating this is. I feel lonely and rejected. I know he's not actually rejecting me, but I have self-esteem issues and it still hurts. I crave this intimacy and I miss it so much. I am terrified that we'll never have sex again. However, I would very much like to have better sex - a step up from what we were having before. As I told him, I don't need the fireworks show and complete bliss - just a little something more. For him to try to help me enjoy it more.

I've had so many meltdowns over this. I refuse to cheat. But I also don't want to be in a sexless marriage. He's a wonderful husband otherwise and we are good together. So divorce is out. I just don't know what to do.

And he won't talk to me about it, either. He always deflects or changes the subject.

I've read that aspies have issues with touch. I did notice that touching him on his nether regions is actually too much for him. I can barely do that before he takes my hand away. And I wonder if he has issues with how a woman's nether regions feel, maybe? Or maybe that sex feels dirty? He is Catholic. And he was raised by a narcissistic, controlling mother who treats him like a 5-year-old (he's 52).

Speaking of his age, I've asked him to see the doctor about his testosterone levels, b/c I know that can affect libido. He wouldn't make the appointment. Kept procrastinating. :(

Also, he's had issues with erectile dysfunction as well since I've known him. Usually we can make it work, but once in a great while we'll have to stop b/c he can't keep an erection. I do not make a big deal of it when it happens b/c I do not want to make him feel bad or get anxious about it happening again. In fact, i used to ignore it and continue on like it wasn't happening. When I could. I honestly don't know if that really has anything to do with this. It's not something that happens all the time.

Sorry for the novel, lol. Any advice would be deeply appreciated.
 
That's really sad.

For the ED, there's always pills but you need a doctor for the prescription. The 50s is when it first becomes a common problem with guys. But ED can come from psychology and not just physical issues. Maybe he is depressed. Or afraid. Maybe there's stress from work or another source. Could be he's physically too out of shape to make a big effort. Arthritis can make it painful enough the pleasure isn't worth it. Lots of reasons.

It is possible he just isn't interested in sex anymore. Happens to a lot of older guys. Sex can seem like a lot of work with no big payoff, just another boring orgasm. In fact, passion for anything can fade as you age and you turn into a boring lump on a log.

Reduced testosterone levels are normal as you age. DHEA is a common over-the-counter supplement to increase testosterone levels and already exists as a natural precursor to it in bodies. He could try that for a bit.

Not liking "secretions"... that could be a turnoff. Some autistic people have issues with wet things. (Never bothered me in the slightest. I just took them to be a sign I was doing things right.) There are plenty of NT men with the same reaction, much to the dismay of women. Many have psychological issues that bodily functions are yucky.

In any event, I'd suggest an MD first and possibly a licensed marriage therapist with autism training if there are no physical problems. Or even a licensed sex therapist. Guys are often very reluctant to talk about sex issues with health professionals - or to even admit they have a problem to talk about - and that might be your problem. Not sure how to solve that one.

Have you tried just mutual masturbation?
 
Thank you, @Au Naturel, for your thoughts. It is possible he just isn't interested - although he claims he still is. Although that could be a lie (he has issues with lying, too). I'll mention the DHEA thing - maybe that will help.

Wet things...that's interesting because whenever I wash my hands, and if I don't dry them enough, he gets weirded out. You might be onto something there. And bodily functions being yucky....I do wonder about that too.

I have thought about seeing a therapist. I am concerned that he won't talk to him or her. I guess it's worth a shot though.

Mutual masturbation....he won't let me do that. I've offered a zillion times. He won't masturbate me but once in a blue moon and even that's an act of God. I am grateful when he does, honest, but it's very rare.
 
When a person deflects from a difficult question, it is because they feel embarrassed; or feels that their partner won't try to understand and guilt.

Even if you are gentle with your talk, you are putting pressure on him and he just goes deeper into his place.

He no doubt was taught that sex is for procrastination and not for pleasure, which is why he goes straight to it and yes, he obviously finds sexual things replusive. Could he have been abused?

In truth, after years and years of being intimate, I can no longer do that kind of thing. I find it repulisve act, even though I know it is not. I shudder at the idea of such grossness now.

To give my husband credit, he only has brought the subject up a couple of times and has put the reins on his feelings, which I do appreciate, since he is a sexual man.

I was molested for a few years, in childhood and I find NO PLEASURE in traditional sex, but my husband is so eager, that he has never taken the time to get to know my body and makes assumptions, which has been very painful.

Your husband has a trauma in that department. Could you ask him what HE likes? Is there anything about you, that he likes and from that, you can, perhaps gain insight to a better intimacy.
 
If he’s unable or unwilling to engage in foreplay, I guess the best idea would be to try and find a compromise. Would he be okay with you playing with yourself as foreplay? It’s not ideal, but it could make the experience more pleasurable for you and could take away his hesitation to engage.
 
Thanks, @Suzanne . I had a feeling you meant procreation. ;) I wonder if he finds the whole thing repulsive. He says he doesn't, but as I said upthread, he tends to lie about things.

I think it's possible he may have been abused. I asked him that, and he says no, but that might not be true either. He might have blocked it out or might not even remember.

Can I ask how your husband deals with not having sex? If it's not too personal?

I've asked my husband about what he likes. Talking about anything sexual is like pulling teeth. He seems to like my breasts, so that's something. But anything else...not really. :(
 
@Bolletje , thanks for the suggestion. That's another issue. I've tried that, and he shamed me for it. I ended up in tears, feeling like a freak. We had a conversation about it and he seems to understand that it's a normal part of sex, but I still get weird looks and he tries to pull my hand away from my nether regions if I even try.

So I don't.

It feels hopeless. :(
 
aries_wife said:
@Bolletje , thanks for the suggestion. That's another issue. I've tried that, and he shamed me for it. I ended up in tears, feeling like a freak. We had a conversation about it and he seems to understand that it's a normal part of sex, but I still get weird looks and he tries to pull my hand away from my nether regions if I even try.

So I don't.

It feels hopeless. :(
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Oh, I am so sorry to hear that. You don’t deserve to be shamed for wanting to have pleasurable sex, but I don’t have to tell you that. I guess an open discussion about how and where you’re supposed to get your sexual pleasure is off the table?
 
@Bolletje, I know, right? Sex is a normal part of life and of a relationship/marriage. It feels surreal. How could this be shameful? But it appears that that's how he feels.

Yeah, it's pretty much a no-go. He'll tell me he understands and it's not a problem, but his actions say the complete opposite. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am so unhappy. But I don't want to leave him. So, where does that leave me?
 
aries_wife said:
Can I ask how your husband deals with not having sex? If it's not too personal?
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I am surprised I even answered your thread, because anything to do with this subject makes me feel very uncomfortable these days, but hey, I did, so I shall answer this one.

He says he has great restraint, but he has had his way for 28 year's and so, I feel that it is rather my turn now to have a huge break from it.

I did feel guilty at first, but that has passed now. And, I try to not cringe when he is touching my body, because I know that it is only fair to him.

He is a breast man and says the same as your husband, but in truth, I try to not show him, because it makes me feel disgusting now.

Perhaps I will change, but at the moment am in a asexual mood.
 
Thank you for sharing that, and for answering my thread, @Suzanne. My husband claims to have great restraint as well. I started sleeping naked as an effort to entice him because he always said he'd totally want sex if I did, but uh...nope. It hasn't happened. As it turns out, it's actually quite comfortable, so there's that. ;)

But it's good of you to give your husband a chance despite your discomfort. I understand that it must be rough for you.

Hugs - but only if you want them.
 
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Hi there - sorry about your situation, sounds hard for both of you.
My experience (F, ASD) is that my sensory issues do impact sex. My wife has had to compromise on some things that are impossible for me. These are not a matter of finding a way to get me used to something - they are not possible, sadly. Additionally, for some reason I shut down completely really quickly if there is any issue during sex where I feel awkward or am overwhelmed. I also find it almost impossible to talk about any issues I have with sex - I literally go mute. That is an unfortunate combination.(Sounds like fun with me, doesnt it?) We are lucky we communicate really well and so have managed to resolve the latter two issues after 9! years working on them. But again, some things are just off the table, unfortunately. I agree with what has been suggested that a good counsellor might be able to help get the necessary words out.
 
@Barymore , thanks for sharing your experience. :) That is good to know. I'll need to stop trying to get him used to things if it just isn't going to happen. A counselor might be the next step to take, looks like.
 
Maybe a sex therapist, specifically, as they are trained to be able to work usefully with sexual issues, whereas many ordinary counsellors aren't. Be good if you could find one who also understands a bit about autism. Needle in a haystack maybe, but that would be ideal.
 
Dr. Tony Attwood said:
Sexuality can become a special interest in terms of acquiring information and an interest in sexual diversity and activities. The desire for sexual activities and intimacy can be excessive, almost compulsive. However, the partner of a man or woman with Asperger's syndrome is more likely to be concerned about the lack of sexual desire rather than an excess. The partner with Asperger's syndrome may become asexual once he or she has children or once the couple have formally committed themselves to the relationship. In a relationship counselling session, the partner of a man with Asperger's syndrome was visibly distressed when announcing to me that she and her husband had not had sex for over a year. Her husband, who has Asperger's syndrome, appeared to be confused and said to her, 'Why would you want sex when we have enough children?'
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From The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome pages 320-321.
 
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