Have you ever felt that your interest drove people away?

[Sam Wilson]

First time posting a thread here so be grateful if anyone even reads this. Let me get straight to the point.

But have you guys ever felt your interest drove people away. From my hobbies, the shows I watch,the books i read, and the games I play, I feel people don't find them interesting enough that they go do things with other people. It makes me feel alone and a bit left out. I know my friends have the right to enjoy things they want and I respect that but eventually if they keep doing things or talk about topics that I don't like...well they eventually edge me out leaving me feel alone.

They don't share the same level of dedication and/or interest that I have for a certain matter and it also makes me feel that I'm the only one enjoying things.

Do you guys ever think about doing things that don't interest you and/or find dull, to be with other people and engage in decent conversation with them. You know be casual and I don't know if this term is okay but well..."Normal"/NT.

 

[Major Tom]

This happens often to me. Its an autistic trait, we have special interests, and focus on them with great intensity. I've learned that not all people share my interests, and even if they do, its usually not as strong or intense. I used to feel bad about it, until I learned it was me and not them. Most people don't want to talk about birds or the environment all day every day. They have varying interests.

 

[Sam Wilson]

Well yeah thats it. I feel that my friends feel like hanging out with me is a chore. Does it really get easier. Being fresh out of college...this is the first time I really got to follow my interests and it looks.like a high price if it means loosing ties with the few people who knows me.

 

[Major Tom]

Personally I feel better about myself, but I have no real life friends to show for it. Part of that is due to living across the world, but mostly its because I simply don't click well with many people, and am no good at small talk in person.

 

[Suzanne]

Hello there and welcome.

I have many times felt this way, but at last, I have found someone, who seems to be on a similar way length and we have wonderful time chatting or texting. She did take the aspie test, but it came back that she is most likely an nt, but that is highly disputable, since we do share similar traits.

 

[Ambi]

Yes, many people think my interests are odd, immature, irrelevant, or some other negative thing. My biggest special interest is religion, so people can find that very offensive. I have seen it recommended for those who struggle finding common ground to talk about or bond over to try stepping outside of their usual interests, or to at least learn a little bit about them - but that comes down to how much you can invest in such things without driving yourself up the wall or just feeding any underlying insecurities.

Also, if you are uncomfortable doing those things, then you won't be great with others while doing it, either, or if you only know a little and try to converse on an equal level with others - you need to also be aware of how little you know of it. I'm going to stop trying to do this now - but I think my past "work" of exploring things I wasn't so interested in has paid off all that it will, and now I just acknowledge openly that I don't keep up with things like pop culture, I don't watch TV or sports, etc - so yeah, there's not a whole lot to talk with me about if that's what people are into. I tend to just ask them about themselves, but then, I also stay on the acquaintance level with people - and I am now comfortable with that, I think I've accepted it. It helps that I have a husband and 2 good, albeit long-distance, friends with whom I can have serious conversations.

Actually, this is one of the reasons that people "try me on, then take me off" like a dress - I've gotten used to that, too - though it used to leave me very confused and sad and...well, it still leaves me feeling rejected, because that's what's happened. But it just recently happened - someone I had been getting to know and things seemed to be going well, and they are just fabulous - but when she found out I am interested in something that she finds distasteful, she stopped getting to know me further.

Now I am back on the polite outskirts, having been tried out and placed back on the shelf. I know this is normal for people to do, but I guess since I'm a beggar rather than a chooser, I have been more charitable/generous with whom I will sit down and speak with/listen to, regardless of how much we do or don't share in common....but that also means I spend more time with people who can be very strange to bear up with....and my recent experience of being put "back" has made me wonder if I wouldn't do better to be more selective as well.

 

[SchrodingersMeerkat]

I've always been told it has but I figure if they don't like my interest, they don't like me and if they don't like me, why should I hang around them in the first place?

 

[Tom]

Any time I talk about a special interest area I can easily drive people away. And yes I engage on subjects that do not interest me to be social, or more importantly: fair. If you talk about what others want you can reasonably take a turn with what you want, you just have to make sure your time doesn't go over long.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I often think intensity can be included in this.

If im listening to someone I often actually listen and that may scare people.

Often conversation,in terms of what is heard is blah,blah blah,family,blah
<can we talk about me now>
The other person then hears :
Blah,blah,blah,family,blah.

So to have someone intently listen..... when theyre used to small talk,not actively being listened to is perhaps scary.....

 

[clg114]

Yes, I do feel that way sometimes. Not many people what to be friends with a nerd. Socially, it is not the "in" thing to do.

 

[onlything]

As always. Others simply are not interested or not as strong in the same things as me. It's frustrating. Even on university I couldn't find people to talk about specific details of my projects. People are bired talking too much, too often about the same things. They don't spend whole days on their passions forgetting to eat, sleep, wash. They just... don't. In the end, I found a way to compromise our different needs, at least for me and my friend, at times it works rather well also with aquintances. The rule one is: never talk about interest more than two sentences until you see their interest. The rule two is: never talk only about one of your interests during the whole meeting with the friend. The rule three is: let them talk at least as much as you do. This way you keep a friend, can talk a bit about your interest and by listening to them you may even get new ones. It may be dull at times but if you consider your friends important, you'll at least listen to them.

What I can say is that it does work. Not for every friend i ever had but for the closest ones that accepted me the most. Never fully, of course, but it's something. And I got some new interests like war technology from them

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

As always. Others simply are not interested or not as strong in the same things as me. It's frustrating. Even on university I couldn't find people to talk about specific details of my projects. People are bired talking too much, too often about the same things. They don't spend whole days on their passions forgetting to eat, sleep, wash. They just... don't. In the end, I found a way to compromise our different needs, at least for me and my friend, at times it works rather well also with aquintances. The rule one is: never talk about interest more than two sentences until you see their interest. The rule two is: never talk only about one of your interests during the whole meeting with the friend. The rule three is: let them talk at least as much as you do. This way you keep a friend, can talk a bit about your interest and by listening to them you may even get new ones. It may be dull at times but if you consider your friends important, you'll at least listen to them.

What I can say is that it does work. Not for every friend i ever had but for the closest ones that accepted me the most. Never fully, of course, but it's something. And I got some new interests like war technology from them

Rule 4. Never say 'Boring' really loudly.

Good rules.

 

[onlything]

Rule 4. Never say 'Boring' really loudly.

Good rules.

Rule 5: keep eye contact from time to time and nod to show that you're listening. If possible, try to ask questions.

 

[Judge]

Indeed, I suspect this is a common issue for many of us on the spectrum. Though sometimes I can't help but wonder if it's not the nature of our "special interest" so much as it is that our enthusiasm and delivery of information often overwhelms most NTs ?

We're immersed in intricate details while so many of them simply want to "get to the point" and little else.

Which may well sabotage our efforts in sharing our special interests with much of anyone who doesn't appreciate our passion and enthusiasm of something that may not be universally appreciated at the outset.

We can be such "deep thinkers" at times. Not often appreciated by the masses. Maybe there is no real solution in this particular instance of the neurological divide.

 

[Ambi]

I often think intensity can be included in this.

If im listening to someone I often actually listen and that may scare people.

Often conversation,in terms of what is heard is blah,blah blah,family,blah
<can we talk about me now>
The other person then hears :
Blah,blah,blah,family,blah.

So to have someone intently listen..... when theyre used to small talk,not actively being listened to is perhaps scary.....

Yeah I tried to remember this yesterday during small talk - took the pressure off tremendously to remember that the content did not actually matter, just the form.

 

[Nervous Rex]

My interest (math!) bores everyone else to death. So, if I have to talk about it, I practice my story, cutting it down and simplifying it until it's as brief as I can possibly make it. If someone wants more detail, I'll tell them more. But they never do.

There was one time where I had to go over all the minute details of one of our systems to help our company avoid a patent-infringement lawsuit. One of the patent attorneys fell asleep while I was talking. Yes, I actually bored a lawyer to sleep.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

My interest (math!) bores everyone else to death. So, if I have to talk about it, I practice my story, cutting it down and simplifying it until it's as brief as I can possibly make it. If someone wants more detail, I'll tell them more. But they never do.

There was one time where I had to go over all the minute details of one of our systems to help our company avoid a patent-infringement lawsuit. One of the patent attorneys fell asleep while I was talking. Yes, I actually bored a lawyer to sleep.

This belongs on the aspie superpowers thread

 

[clg114]

Rule 5: keep eye contact from time to time and nod to show that you're listening. If possible, try to ask questions.

It does not bother me to make eye contact, I just do not do it unless I am trying to make eye contact. When I am talking to one of my customers, I always make sure that I look them in the eyes. For whatever reason, people tend to think that you are not listening to them if you do not look them in the eyes. My customers are telling me why they called me, so it is important that they believe that I am listening to them.

 

[OlLiE]

my interests themselves don't drive people away, just how i approach them:

- love photography, on my own
- love walking and swimming, on my own
- love gaming, on my own
- love listening to music, on my own

my life is so full of interesting things, there's just no room for people in it
and that's the way, uh huh uh huh, i like it, uh huh, uh huh

 

[KPH2293]

I deal with this often. To make matters worse, I go through phases with what I'm in to, which creates problems if I'm in to something the specific friend isn't interested in.

Does that make sense? Sincere question, I'm never sure.