Have you been accused of insulting others?

[sisselcakes]

Hi All.

Just a question I thought of to throw out there. Just me being curious as usual.

I'm an NT dating a suspected (I suspect and he knows I suspect) guy with Asp. Basically he admits there are significant traits he has but is of the mindset he's 50 years old and what would a diagnosis do for him anyway, which I respect.

I'm really curious because he says in the past he has inadvertently insulted people. In general he doesn't seem to "get" how it was he insulted someone, but does see it is a pattern.

I used to be insulted by his tone and some things he would say to me but at this point I realize his vocal tone isn't indicative of an insult. And sometimes I find these types of interactions downright amusing. Sometimes I have to giggle and when he doesn't understand why I'm laughing, I may try to explain why by saying " you just shouldn't say things like that." Of course I always get a "but why?"

It was so intriguing to me the couple experiences where I tried to explain to him the rationale behind why you shouldn't do certain things. For example, why you don't critique your girlfriend's dress on a Friday night when you're going out to enjoy dinner.

As I brought up all the reasons why you shouldn't do it, I actually realized why it must be so hard to learn social rules by simply using intellect and logic. When I try to explain the difference between going on a date on a Friday night being different from a normal daily interaction, that was lost on him. I had to admit to myself, There doesn't necessarily seem to be a good rule or reason. Or at least I couldn't come up with a reason he understood. It just IS. I could say that it hurt someone's feelings but he doesn't seem to get that reasoning

Now I have to admit it's stressful for me when we are around people who don't understand him and he treats them in such a way.

Sometimes I feel like I should try to smooth things over when I'm present during those interactions which is extremely stressful for me and other times I feel like " screw it". It's not my problem to try to make people like him. He's almost 50 years old And if they don't like him too bad. I love him

I always find people's comments on here insightful and intriguing so I'm wondering what your experience has been in situations where someone tries to explain why something was hurtful or insulting. Is that hard to grasp and if I need to explain something to him important, like something that's affecting our relationship , what's the best way to go about it ??

 

[Rayner]

I don't usually go out of my way to insult people. I'd say that I have pretty thick skin. People I'm around generally know that when I accidently say something that seemed insensitive that it's not intended to be insulting.

 

[Mia]

Grocery shopping with my spouse and getting out of the car to go into the store. As I closed the car door I put a little too much weight against it, and it slammed. My spouse was in the car, and annoyingly responded with 'Don't slam it, it's not the jeep anymore.' I looked at the car and realized that my husband had parked so close to the curb that the front of the car was overhanging it and would be difficult to back out without scratching the underside.

'Take a look' I said as I pointed, he got out, looked at the position of the car and said; "I'm not used to the new car yet." "Me neither, I replied." He looked for just a moment at me, and he got it. He's not said anything like that since. Made under unusual circumstances to feel exactly the way I was feeling, he understood. If you can figure out a way to do this, each time, it might make a difference.

 

[sisselcakes]

I don't usually go out of my way to insult people. I'd say that I have pretty thick skin. People I'm around generally know that when I accidently say something that seemed insensitive that it's not intended to be insulting.

Hi there. Thanks for responding!

I know my bf isn't intending to be insulting. That's the rub. He doesn't realize it, which seems to be the challenge. He acts truly clueless when someone responds as if he is being rude or insulting.

I notice his friends don't seem to feel insulted or as tho he's being rude. The other day I had to laugh. I suppose they know and accept him as he is. I made a comment about how my bf had inadvertently been rude to someone and his friend facetiously said "(my Bf name), rude? I can't believe that." I think his friends know him and accept him. Also, they probably have thick skin. Lol.

 

[sisselcakes]

Grocery shopping with my spouse and getting out of the car to go into the store. As I closed the car door I put a little too much weight against it, and it slammed. My spouse was in the car, and annoyingly responded with 'Don't slam it, it's not the jeep anymore.' I looked at the car and realized that my husband had parked so close to the curb that the front of the car was overhanging it and would be difficult to back out without scratching the underside.

'Take a look' I said as I pointed, he got out, looked at the position of the car and said; "I'm not used to the new car yet." "Me neither, I replied." He looked for just a moment at me, and he got it. He's not said anything like that since. Made under unusual circumstances to feel exactly the way I was feeling, he understood. If you can figure out a way to do this, each time, it might make a difference.

Love it. Thanks !!! Reality based approach.

I think one of the things that helped us start getting along better the more time I spent staying over at his house was pointing out that everyone makes mistakes - including him.

Like it bugged him that I didn't put things back or I didn't throw things away or that I made his floor dirty because I didn't take my shoes off at the door. I was feeling as though I was walking on eggshells because every transgression I made was pointed out.

One time he left out an empty yogurt container And I wrote A little note next to it that said "help. Someone forgot to throw me away" I took a photo of it and sent it to him.

He also has a fixation on keeping the toilet closed for which he has no tolerance for error. Well I found an opportunity where it was left open and i took a pic and sent that one too.

I guess these are typical couple challenges. The difficulty for us is that he tends to be unforgiving and rigid In certain things that he sees as illogical.

You're example is a good one. Logical and obvious.

 

[Nitro]

I come across as commanding usually. There isn't much I hold back most of the time. You would actually be hard pressed to get some of your own words in during my monologue. Do I actually care that you don't get to speak much? Nope

 

[garnetflower13]

Hi All.






As I brought up all the reasons why you shouldn't do it, I actually realized why it must be so hard to learn social rules by simply using intellect and logic. When I try to explain the difference between going on a date on a Friday night being different from a normal daily interaction, that was lost on him. I had to admit to myself, There doesn't necessarily seem to be a good rule or reason. Or at least I couldn't come up with a reason he understood. It just IS.

This is the thing that I struggle with, when somebody tells me it just IS. It makes no logical sense to me. For example, I was once at a counseling appointment and my husband was with me this time. We were discussing how we could misunderstand each other, and the example that was brought up by my husband, was once when I (innocently, and with no malice intended,) said "It would be nice if you could remember to take something out of the freezer for supper." This was said because he always got up four hours earlier than I did, and I realized it would give the frozen goods more time to defrost than if it was left up to me. But to my dismay, both the counselor and my husband agreed that what I had said was terribly rude. I couldn't understand it at all! When I asked why, they couldn't exactly say, only that it was rude. I honestly don't know any other way that I could have said it, TBH.

 

[sisselcakes]

Hmmmm. That doesn't sound rude to me at all! I could imagine it sounding very insulting if used in a certain tone, though, which they may have assumed. You know how when people are being sarcastic and cutting with their language, they can use that phrase "would be nice". It's all in the tone. Wonder if they didn't get that.

My bf didn't understand when I tried to explain why you can't ask people "why" questions- in some situations they seem judgmental. I truly could not explain the reason.

Thanks for sharing.

 

[garnetflower13]

Hmmmm. That doesn't sound rude to me at all! I could imagine it sounding very insulting if used in a certain tone, though, which they may have assumed. You know how when people are being sarcastic and cutting with their language, they can use that phrase "would be nice". It's all in the tone. Wonder if they didn't get that.

My bf didn't understand when I tried to explain why you can't ask people "why" questions- in some situations they seem judgmental. I truly could not explain the reason.

Thanks for sharing.

You're welcome! And I think you are right about the imagined tone of voice, since I have been told that I sound either angry or very flat in inflection, especially when tired. That moment I described, I had just woken up and was feeling rather groggy. My husband thought that I was being sarcastic, and honestly I couldn't do sarcastic when I had just woken up!

 

[paloftoon]

I definitely have been accused of this. Usually it ends up being a misunderstanding that I have to explain. Such is life :/

 

[Jute]

I simply say what's on my mind and if occasionally other people find it insulting that's their problem not mine.

 

[ksheehan88]

Hi All.

Just a question I thought of to throw out there. Just me being curious as usual.

I'm an NT dating a suspected (I suspect and he knows I suspect) guy with Asp. Basically he admits there are significant traits he has but is of the mindset he's 50 years old and what would a diagnosis do for him anyway, which I respect.

I'm really curious because he says in the past he has inadvertently insulted people. In general he doesn't seem to "get" how it was he insulted someone, but does see it is a pattern.

I used to be insulted by his tone and some things he would say to me but at this point I realize his vocal tone isn't indicative of an insult. And sometimes I find these types of interactions downright amusing. Sometimes I have to giggle and when he doesn't understand why I'm laughing, I may try to explain why by saying " you just shouldn't say things like that." Of course I always get a "but why?"

It was so intriguing to me the couple experiences where I tried to explain to him the rationale behind why you shouldn't do certain things. For example, why you don't critique your girlfriend's dress on a Friday night when you're going out to enjoy dinner.

As I brought up all the reasons why you shouldn't do it, I actually realized why it must be so hard to learn social rules by simply using intellect and logic. When I try to explain the difference between going on a date on a Friday night being different from a normal daily interaction, that was lost on him. I had to admit to myself, There doesn't necessarily seem to be a good rule or reason. Or at least I couldn't come up with a reason he understood. It just IS. I could say that it hurt someone's feelings but he doesn't seem to get that reasoning

Now I have to admit it's stressful for me when we are around people who don't understand him and he treats them in such a way.

Sometimes I feel like I should try to smooth things over when I'm present during those interactions which is extremely stressful for me and other times I feel like " screw it". It's not my problem to try to make people like him. He's almost 50 years old And if they don't like him too bad. I love him

I always find people's comments on here insightful and intriguing so I'm wondering what your experience has been in situations where someone tries to explain why something was hurtful or insulting. Is that hard to grasp and if I need to explain something to him important, like something that's affecting our relationship , what's the best way to go about it ??

Hey, I'm also NT and although not dating an Aspie, I have a close friend who is an Aspie. He once told me, after I asked if he thought I was pretty, that I wasn't a page three stunner but I had a shining personality... At the time I was actually pretty hurt, generally speaking something like that would equate "ugly" lol.
But, now I realise he was answering my question in the most honest and nicest way he could - hence telling me what a lovely person I was - and had no intention of hurting my feelings.
I never told him it upset me though, he tends to always assume he's upset me anyway and I didn't want to make him feel bad over it so I just let it slide. xx

 

[sisselcakes]

Sorry but that's hilarious bc I can totally relate. I've gotten the same from my BF. We've gone to a therapist a couple times and I mentioned one of these incidents where my boyfriend said, after I commented that I may consider getting a breast reduction (I'm uncomfortably large), that I might as well now because I'll have to do it in the future. The therapist pointed out that he was just being rational. Now I laugh at it


Thank you for responding. All of these comments help