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Have any of you went up to a girl you don't know and talked to her.

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by Tony Ramirez, Sep 11, 2020.

  1. Tony Ramirez

    Tony Ramirez Christian with Asperger's Syndrome

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    I NEVER EVER EVER EVER did this. It is a 10 on my scale. Even when Church was open I really miss I had a few opportunities but I could not do it.

    I seen it happen twice in real life not that fiction you see on TV/Movies. I remember some teenager went and talked to a girl on the subway many years ago. I remember in one Church service I saw a guy do what I could not do. I was depressed for the rest of the week which then I attended a few groups for the week.

    Now in small life groups from Church 10 scale does not apply and I have talked them in a group setting. This is how made a few female friends.
     
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2020
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  2. Shamar

    Shamar Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I'm with you. I could never understand how other guys did it. I could work up the courage to try maybe once a year or less. When I approach, I start having breathing problems. When I get close, I start to suffer from brain paralysis. "Would you like to dance? comes out as something like "Woogleiggatdoonz?" Only not quite that coherent. Generally, she is not impressed. Or interested. Maybe I could pretend to be from some East European country.........
     
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  3. Tony Ramirez

    Tony Ramirez Christian with Asperger's Syndrome

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    You got further than me buddy. I even froze up sitting next to a girl I don't know.
     
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  4. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    l have heard that some guys use the approach of talking to 50 woman because the odds are better that they will find a match. So they expect maybe 49 rejections but number #50 may say yes.

    So the more you do it (have uncomfortable conversation with a complete stranger) the better you get at it. l was awkward and it was a painful awkward but at some point l finally moved on. So just see it as a hit or miss.If l don't talk to guys, it's age-related and the number of 2 legged cockroaches involved in fraud in my state. It's not personal or anything to do with the guy, it's just survival for me.
     
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  5. Crossbreed

    Crossbreed Neur-D Missionary ☝

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    That is how I met my wife. ;)
     
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  6. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    For me it's historically been men but yes I have. It drives me crazy when I can't stop thinking about someone, I can't function, and so after a short while I feel like I have to talk to them. It's how the majority of my relationships started.
     
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  7. menander

    menander Well-Known Member It's My Birthday!

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    Do you have a girl with whom you could practice, a friend or a sister or even someone on here?
     
  8. Tony Ramirez

    Tony Ramirez Christian with Asperger's Syndrome

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    As I said small structured groups I can talk to girls easier which is how I ended up with a few female friends.
     
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  9. Ursus Chainus

    Ursus Chainus Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Interesting... It always organically happens for me. I never really approached women with romantic/sexual interest. When I was online at a "dating site", I would approach them by sending one e-mail that was polite but funny. If they did not answer, I don't care how intriguing they were, I would not send another (rule of turns). I had so many "girlfriends" when I did that :)

    In real life, I don't have a fear of rejection... what I have a fear of is once I have a relationship or friendship with a woman, it lasts for a couple of months then goes sideways because I really don't know how to "not be myself". That hurts like hell.

    I am an intense and deeply caring person. As a man, I am supposed to hide those things but I don't know how and honestly I really don't care anymore. I just want to be me.

    I do have some internal rules that are more instinctual than thought out.

    I can actually look women in the eyes... which I have found to be dangerous (they can get way too interested).

    I recommend looking at the top of their nose when you approach if you have difficulty with eye contact. (don't look too long though... count to 3 then look away... then look again... DON'T look at their lips or cleavage (that sh*t is a train wreck! I hate cleavage, lol))

    Practice keeping your posture straight and eyes forward.

    Focus on your breath (the Swiss army knife of dealing with stress). Ask them about themselves... this is important! Don't waste energy on someone who is totally incompatible with you (in my case 99.99 percent of the population). Pay attention to your words... are you talking about your obsession? Think of your obsessions like underwear. They are something you would only let someone you know well see. You can say "I like X" but don't say things like "X was invented in 1842 by so and so" or "I have 5,439 of X at home".

    In the odd case that they share your obsession and want to talk about it... don't correct them if they say something you consider wrong.

    If you end up connecting:

    Follow the rule of turns in talking, messaging, emailing and gifting. Try to keep it to 1:1 ratio (there are occasionally times where this is not needed). If they don't answer you or gift you back... let go.

    Every time you say goodbye, let go until you have a stable relationship.

    If they are ever mean to you... drop it... let go

    If the relationship is going south, feel free ask about what they are feeling. If they don't tell you, drop it and let go.

    Learn to let go.

    If they are non-verbal in communicating needs and boundaries, they need to do personal work before they are ready to have a healthy relationship with another person. Make sure you can do this or you are not ready to have a healthy relationship with.

    Pay attention to your boundaries and communicate them gently if the other person crosses them. Remember un-communicated boundaries are not boundaries! I recommend getting this part ready before you even start relating with people.

    Be prepared to be hurt and learn to be ok with it. You are welcome to feel hurt and take every bit of time you need to heal but NEVER act on that hurt! Let go instead.

    Be gentle with yourself! Being perfect is not in the job description. All of us ASD folks tend to make mistakes that NT people... and other aspies won't understand.

    I am not perfect at all of this (especially the obsession part)... it isn't in the job description ;)

    I will try to wrap words around some other things that generally happen automatically for me.
     
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2020
  10. Tony Ramirez

    Tony Ramirez Christian with Asperger's Syndrome

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    Just talked to my female friend from Church life group by phone the other day and I said I would have never met you or had the courage to talk to you if it was at Church. I only know you from the small life group. She said what I knew she would say that she will be nervous to talk to me and I would be nervous to talk to her which causes the common stailmate. IR.
     
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  11. Chaseman394

    Chaseman394 PDD-NOS

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    Hmm I have gotten to point of walking of to a girl and talking to her but usually I have a friend with me for moral support but it usually takes me about 15 mins or longer, I'm not sure how long but it definitely puts a huge strain on me. It honestly sucks for awhile until I'm able to calm down a bit