Grown children

[DesertRose]

My grandson, was just diagnosed with aspergers. I really knew nothing about it until recently. With all the research I've done on this topic lately, I now can say almost without a doubt, his mother is autistic/aspie. I had no idea back then, it was 30+ years ago. I've also seen a lot of the same thing in myself, but again, never knew what the problem was, or where to look for help.

Now, I beat myself up because I didn't recognize a problem, yet, I had a problem also. How do you deal with this? (She's doing great now, finished college and has a great scientific job). I've always been a stay at home mom, so I haven't had as much difficulty "in the world", with jobs, no college, etc, but did have difficulty in church, and about every relationship I've ever had, including family is a huge failure for the most part.

I suffer a lot from guilt, anxiety and depression over my past mistakes with my children, friends, and relationships. I'd say or do something quite rude or dumb, then not understand or realize sometimes for years what I did. Does anyone relate to this? How did you deal with it? Thanks!

 

[Observant]

We do what we can with what we have. I have plenty of examples in my life where I could have done better knowing what I know now, but the fact is that you're learning, so that is something to be proud of.

Most people stagnate and are set in their ways, but you want to improve yourself and grow. I would say that would be a good reason not to be hard on yourself. Before I was diagnosed I was in far worse shape than I am now, but a diagnosis gave me a template in which a lot of pieces came together. I'm now able to recognize areas of strength and weaknesses, then work on both.

Tell your daughter how you feel, sometimes another perspective will allow us to look at multifaceted problems from another angle.

 

[DesertRose]

Good advice. Thank you. You're so very right, we do the best we can with what we have. I did the best I knew to do at that time with what I had.

 

[clg114]

I have a granddaughter who is on the spectrum. Our daughter did not want to believe it until the school bought it up. Then she took her daughter to a psychologist for help. She is getting regular counseling and is doing fine at ten years old. I believe that all children on the spectrum should have counseling so that they can better deal with their weaknesses and more importantly, take advantage of their considerable strengths.

As for how I deal with my autism, I was 62 before I was diagnosed. I always knew that I was not like those around me. I just did not know how or why. I saw my diagnosis as a real revelation. It answered many questions about my self and I felt like I knew myself better. I also know know that my being on the spectrum is responsible for me being able to do what I do. Machines are my special interest and I have spent a lifetime working with and on machinery.

I am a real social misfit and I too have said and done a lot of rude and dumb things. However, I do not feel bad about any of these things. I they do not like me, I see it as their problem, not mine. The people that I really care about are my wife and my very large family. They all see me as a bit eccentric.

 

[Mia]

I suffer a lot from guilt, anxiety and depression over my past mistakes with my children, friends, and relationships. I'd say or do something quite rude or dumb, then not understand or realize sometimes for years what I did. Does anyone relate to this? How did you deal with it? Thanks!

Probably something you were made to feel by others around you. Spent a good part of my life being concerned about the opinions of others, and 'how I supposed to be.' On my own, within my own life, or by myself I didn't feel that way. Certainly I blamed myself for not being what others wanted, but their point of view is/was specific to them and was not so much about me, it was more about what they wanted.

When I discovered that I was autistic/hfa it explained so many things about who I am. For several years (I'm retired) I simply read everything. One of the reasons I couldn't find all that much about females with autism is that there's very little out there for adult females. Most of the pioneering studies were done on boys initially.

Inner child work is something that helped me resolve my damaged sense of self. It takes many years to deal with the difficulties of childhood, before the age of two. What goes on during those times, is hard to know or understand. Yet thinking of yourself as 'bad' from childhood is and was damaging for me. And something I couldn't shake for a long time. The thing about inner child work, is that much of it can be done on your own. A psychotherapist could help, but finding the right one can take years. Much of the work is done on your own anyway.

How To Heal And Re-parent Your Inner Child
Raising Your Inner Child
Inner child - Wikipedia

 

[Gracey]

... I did the best I knew to do at that time with what I had.

I don’t see how anyone can judge on that fact.

Be kind to yourself.
You weren’t born with everything you’ll ever need to know already downloaded.

Don’t mentally beat yourself up for trying your best.

Guilt doesn’t change the past or an outcome. Acknowledge it, remind yourself you tried your best and move on.
Forgive yourself

 

[Progster]

Yes, I've made plenty of mistakes and for years carried the burden of guilt around with me. But it's not like I have the monopoly on mistake making, everyone makes mistakes and then has to deal with their consequences, emotional or otherwise. We just have to accept it for what it is, a mistake, not something that you wanted or did on purpose, a bad decision perhaps that only became apparent in hidsight, part of the learning curve that we are all on. We do the best with what we have got, that's all we can do. Concentrate on what went right rather than what went wrong, and focus on making improvements for the future rather than dwelling on things that can't be changed.