grandson - advice needed

[Pats]

My daughter that I'm 98% certain is on the spectrum has a 5 year old whom I'm 100% certain is on the spectrum. When I told her of my diagnosis, she was accepting of it and also somewhat accepting of it with her son. But her husband would not even allow her to talk about the possibility so she's been fairly quiet about it and appears to have just planned to try to deal with it herself with no outside help.
She called today, very upset and not knowing what to do about her son acting up in class and being put in time out for sudden loud outbursts in class and being disruptive and today the teacher could hardly even get his attention. He usually does fairly well but this week he hasn't. He's even upset not getting the 'good behavior paw prints' and tells his mom he doesn't want to talk about it ever. Sounds like his mom and dad may have yelled at him over it - which I told her he should not be scolded, but guided. And I told her this is why I think she needs to talk to either a professional or at least another mom who might have advice on how to handle it and teach him control, etc and she did not need to handle this alone. I told her I couldn't really give advice because I wasn't aware during problem times WHY so just kind of had an 'oh well' attitude. I don't know what to tell her. And I hate to see her struggling alone with this. And I don't want my grandson to go through life struggling so hard - he's special to me cause he's always reminded me of myself and I don't know how to make it easier for both of them.

 

[Autistamatic]

If he's acting up like that at school they may well start talking about autism themselves. I know of a few people whose kids ended up being diagnosed because the school referred them, technically including myself.

 

[Nervous Rex]

The teacher may have his/her suspicions about your grandson, but is legally not allowed to offer any opinions. But if your daughter asks, the teacher should be able to refer her to a variety of resources for diagnosis and help.

My wife is a teacher and, through her, I'm finding out that there are so many community programs that we almost never hear about. Teachers and school councilors often have information on these resources.

 

[Autistamatic]

Obviously the law is a bit different on this kind of thing in the US. In the UK it's not uncommon for a school to make the suggestion to the parent(s) and arrange for referral if they agree. Exactly that happened to a woman at work not long ago.

 

[Nervous Rex]

Obviously the law is a bit different on this kind of thing in the US. In the UK it's not uncommon for a school to make the suggestion to the parent(s) and arrange for referral if they agree. Exactly that happened to a woman at work not long ago.

The restrictions in the U.S. are to limit the schools' legal liability.

You clearly do a better job over there of keeping the lawyers in their place.

 

[Autistamatic]

The restrictions in the U.S. are to limit the schools' legal liability.

You clearly do a better job over there of keeping the lawyers in their place.

For now, but the litigation culture is gradually creeping in year by year. Daytime TV is full of adverts for corporate law firms telling people to claim damages for all sorts of things.

 

[Pats]

For now, but the litigation culture is gradually creeping in year by year. Daytime TV is full of adverts for corporate law firms telling people to claim damages for all sorts of things.

it's terrible here. Someone breaks into your home and gets injured they can sue.

 

[Autistamatic]

it's terrible here. Someone breaks into your home and gets injured they can sue.

Yeah we're getting that kind of thing happening here too. We've even had prominent politicians quoting legal principles which they've seen in US dramas as if they were UK law, when they don't apply here. The "don't ask just sue" culture is growing...

 

[Nervous Rex]

We've even had prominent politicians quoting legal principles which they've seen in US dramas as if they were UK law, when they don't apply here.

Yeeks. Most of the law stuff you see on TV is fictional. There are some great stories of people attempting to use something they saw on TV as real legal defences - and, of course, getting schooled by the actual law.

Sorry, @Pats, for derailing your thread. Short answer: lots of community resources exist, but you have to find the right people to ask.

 

[Autistamatic]

Indeed. Nuff stuff about dodgy lawyers and politicians.

Has your son in law given any reason for his feelings? Or is it just another of those head in the sand "no son of mine!" kind of things?

 

[Pats]

Indeed. Nuff stuff about dodgy lawyers and politicians.

Has your son in law given any reason for his feelings? Or is it just another of those head in the sand "no son of mine!" kind of things?

Head in the sand stuff - I think he feels like it's saying his child is flawed. I've been very open to him about my autism so he might see that it's not a flaw (he gets along better with me than his own mom), but I still think that's more or less what it is.

 

[Pats]

He had to have speech (like me) and he's still hard to understand most the time IMO. I think my daughter did discuss the possibility with the speech therapist and I understood that they were going to do some testing, but apparently the testing was just to see how he would do in school and it didn't show a problem.

 

[Autistamatic]

Obviously it's not something you want to force, but maybe trying to cast a more positive light on what AS can mean to people on the spectrum might help. Your own wish that you'd known sooner, the fact that there is help available which will only improve with time, that you've met lovely ASD people on here who function reasonably well, partly because they know or have worked out why they have differences. It's better for your grandson to be told of his AS (if that's the case) by loving, supportive parents when the time is right, than find out as an adult. "Why didn't you get me checked out - I've found out it's hereditary and we know about Grandma's AS - I could have known all these years and got some help."
Then there's the other side of it - if the diagnosis is negative then they know that his behaviour is something they can address in a more traditional way and son in law will be proved right.
The head in the sand attitude doesn't help anyone and I can say that with total conviction

 

[Nervous Rex]

Head in the sand stuff - I think he feels like it's saying his child is flawed. I've been very open to him about my autism so he might see that it's not a flaw (he gets along better with me than his own mom), but I still think that's more or less what it is.

I've got bad news for him: Everyone is flawed. It's part of being human.

 

[OkRad]

It's hard to tell in the US . Everyone wants the money attached to the diagnosis. Up to age 18, that is. Then it's "Fend For Yourself."

 

[Pats]

It's hard to tell in the US . Everyone wants the money attached to the diagnosis. Up to age 18, that is. Then it's "Fend For Yourself."

I didn't realize there was any money attached to the diagnosis. But that's beside the point.

 

[TempeFan]

the teacher should be able to refer her to a variety of resources for diagnosis and help.
there are so many community programs that we almost never hear about. Teachers and school councilors often have information on these resources.

There are a variety of resources for diagnosis and teachers and school councilors are trained to single out students by labeling and segregating and outing them as special needs, which increases the likelihood of children being ostracized and bullied and creates other problems but how could that possibly help?

Government programs that put children through expensive and traumatizing processes and procedures usually do more harm than good. What "help" do they supposedly provide that might benefit the child? Other than making false promises what are these school and community employees actually trained to DO that the parents, who have the child's best interests at heart, couldn't do better -without exposing their child to damaging government protocols?

 

[Pats]

There are a variety of resources for diagnosis and teachers and school councilors are trained to single out students by labeling and segregating and outing them as special needs, which increases the likelihood of children being ostracized and bullied and creates other problems but how could that possibly help?

Government programs that put children through expensive and traumatizing processes and procedures usually do more harm than good. What "help" do they supposedly provide that might benefit the child? Other than making false promises what are these school and community employees actually trained to DO that the parents, who have the child's best interests at heart, couldn't do better -without exposing their child to damaging government protocols?

It's a toss up as far as who to contact. So how do I get my daughter help in handling these problems he is having? She don't know how to get him to not act out in class - and I don't have any answers for her because I didn't know anything about it growing up myself or when any of my kids were growing up. I want help for HER as much as for her son.

 

[TempeFan]

He's only 5, so he will only understand the simple age appropriate techniques that every parent on or off the spectrum should be instilling. Tell an adult if some thing is bothering him. Count to 10 before hitting, biting or acting out. Be specific about what good behaviors he should be doing instead.

I told her he should not be scolded, but guided

All 5 year olds do such things as you describe. Your advice was sound for any parent/child challenge. If your daughter is overwhelmed thinking this is an Aspy thing, it may not be. Don't jump the gun. Perhaps Dad should handle this by having a calm little heart to heart with his little man over ice cream to find out what is upsetting him all of a sudden. Meanwhile continue your research because when he is older the autism issue will come up and you will be ready to help. The two gentlemen who already responded to this thread both have wives who have dealt with these issues and behaviors in their professions. I'm sure these wives would be happy to share their experiences of what works and what doesn't if their husbands were to ask. Hint Hint! Maybe the government does have some helpful materials, perhaps a pamphlet with some suggestions, something other than the usual bureaucratic nonsense.

 

[Pats]

He's only 5, so he will only understand the simple age appropriate techniques that every parent on or off the spectrum should be instilling. Tell an adult if some thing is bothering him. Count to 10 before hitting, biting or acting out. Be specific about what good behaviors he should be doing instead.



All 5 year olds do such things as you describe. Your advice was sound for any parent/child challenge. If your daughter is overwhelmed thinking this is an Aspy thing, it may not be. Don't jump the gun. Perhaps Dad should handle this by having a calm little heart to heart with his little man over ice cream to find out what is upsetting him all of a sudden. Meanwhile continue your research because when he is older the autism issue will come up and you will be ready to help. The two gentlemen who already responded to this thread both have wives who have dealt with these issues and behaviors in their professions. I'm sure these wives would be happy to share their experiences of what works and what doesn't if their husbands were to ask. Hint Hint! Maybe the government does have some helpful materials, perhaps a pamphlet with some suggestions, something other than the usual bureaucratic nonsense.

I do understand what you are saying. I do know that all 5 year olds do not do the things that he does and, like I said in my original post I am 100% certain he is on the spectrum. I don't believe it's the diagnosis that would cause the bullying, but their behaviors, weakness and other obvious traits that they have whether they are diagnosed or not. His behaviors - he is going to be picked on unless there is someone who knows how to guide him in his behaviors. I also believe that if he were to be diagnosed, both his parents would be a bit more patient and try different tactics that they might be taught instead of punishing him for things he can not control.