Grandparenting teenagers

[Pats]

It's been a crazy weekend. My son and his family live upstairs - separate quarters. His 3 sons are 17, 19 and 21. Yes, often I laugh when one of the boys gets caught doing something crazy. I can laugh at them because I'm not the one responsible, whereas when it was my teenage kids getting in trouble I WAS the one responsible and blamed for everything they did.

My mom made my life hell when my kids were teens. She'd literally go into their rooms and snoop, sniff glasses to see if she smelled alcohol in any, look through their dirty clothes, you name it. If she found anything, I'd hear about it and when I grounded one she'd let them do things anyway when I was working. Of course, I was always more upset with my mom than with the kids when she would find things.

I want to be the kind of parent to back my kids and not make their parenting harder. This weekend, my son and daughter in law went to Pigeon Forge for a jeep thing. Up stairs was pretty much a party weekend. I did go up Friday night and could tell they had been smoking pot - and probably drinking, and since everyone was already 2 sheets to the wind I told my grandson not to let anyone drive in that condition and if anyone needed me to drive them home, to come and wake me up and I would - just no on drive. Sat morning, most went home and others in and out all day. I did go up and do laundry and when I finished told them that I was done with laundry but I could still pop in up there. lol Yesterday evening seemed fairly quiet but last night people came back and it was LOUD. I opted for sleep this morning instead of church - just couldn't quite get woke up.

I did tell my grandson that he put me on the spot - that I won't tell, but I don't like keeping things from my son, and, also if asked, I can't lie. I told him I didn't like it and it also kept me from sleeping and going to church this morning.
I'm not given responsibility over them when my son and dil goes out of town - they're not asking me to babysit or make sure they don't do anything. She might ask me to go up and check on them some - I take that as meaning, make sure they're okay. But they should know that the 17 year old is gonna go wild when they leave - shoot he does things when they're home. I bout rolled in the floor laughing when my daughter in law went in to wake him up and found, not just one but two girls sleeping in his bed.

So - where does my responsibility lie? Where does it stop? And if they're already aware of the things he does, and choose to leave - am I responsible for that? Also the 19 year old was home after he got off work at 4 a.m. and my 21 yr old grandson was home - I think just trying to catch up on sleep from working long hours with his dad. I ain't telling on my grandson, though. My thing is - am I responsible for what he does since I live downstairs? (And I'm not moving - this is a good living situation for me )

 

[Aspychata]

It's great you are powering through and handling it but you aren't the KGB police squad. If teenagers are too stifled then they rebel and the serious stuff damage starts. So you walk a fine line. l never went through any of my daughter's texts, purse, or whatever. But she knew getting preggers would be bad, doing drugs is a no, and completing HS was necessary. I showed her l trusted her judgement and l hope she would make good choices.
Can't even imagine trying to raise grandkids at my age.

 

[Gracey]

In UK a 17, 19 and 21yr old are all prosecutable in the eyes of the law.
They break the rules, they're accountable for their own actions.

If you'd like to get to church on a Sunday morning,
it's more about asking for consideration when things get loud,
because you live there too, right?

If you were asked to "check on things" while the parents were away,
I'd understand that to mean checking (by asking) if the lads were okay and if they needed anything.

and also they weren't inadvertently setting fire to the place,

were at least eating something,

and were generally still going to be alive when the parents returned

 

[Pats]

In UK a 17, 19 and 21yr old are all prosecutable in the eyes of the law.
They break the rules, they're accountable for their own actions.

If you'd like to get to church on a Sunday morning,
it's more about asking for consideration when things get loud,
because you live there too, right?

If you were asked to "check on things" while the parents were away,
I'd understand that to mean checking (by asking) if the lads were okay and if they needed anything.

and also they weren't inadvertently setting fire to the place,

were at least eating something,

and were generally still going to be alive when the parents returned

Actually, I did have to take some food up there - they were hungry. And your last statement was the primary reason I wanted to make sure no one would be trying to drive. thanks. There's a case here in town going on right now where a parent was home - allowed her minor son to have a drinking party and one of the guests drove drunk, wrecked and died and the parent is being held accountable. I guess I kind of wondered about my liability since I was, in fact, here.

 

[Pats]

It's great you are powering through and handling it but you aren't the KGB police squad. If teenagers are too stifled then they rebel and the serious stuff damage starts. So you walk a fine line. l never went through any of my daughter's texts, purse, or whatever. But she knew getting preggers would be bad, doing drugs is a no, and completing HS was necessary. I showed her l trusted her judgement and l hope she would make good choices.
Can't even imagine trying to raise grandkids at my age.

Thanks. And I never wanted to raise grandkids either. No way. I guess my son and daughter in law knows that I would not and do not even attempt to tell my grandsons how to behave and stuff. Last year they took a trip and the boys ended up having to take care of me. My dog had gotten suddenly very sick with this type of cancer that just shows up suddenly and too late. She was suffering trying to breathe and I knew I couldn't let her keep suffering like that. I couldn't say the words even, so I had to write a note and gave to my oldest grandson to call and make an appointment at the vet. He tried to save me money and even checked around for less expensive places, but I told him to use the vet. Other places I couldn't be with her. He took us and stayed with me. I never in my life had literally left a pool of tears before. He called his other grandma to come over to the vet because he was just at a loss. She did. They got me home, the three boys dug a really nice plot - deep, square, perfect. They cooked me dinner and constantly was checking on me. They're good boys.
I did crazy things, too, when I was young - I remember. I just don't know what my legal liability is.