Got accused of stalking and threatened to have security called on me

[Markness]

Yet another bad thing has happened to me this year. This year is truly the worst I’ve ever gone through.

My older brother had free passes to the comic-con that was being held at the convention center in the city next to mine. I asked some friends if they wanted to go but they had other commitments so I went alone. The convention was half-way done but I still went. I wanted to at least see if there were some comics I’ve been looking for, especially since I missed an opportunity in Austin recently.

I kept running into a certain group of people and the adult man in the group kept asking me questions like “Can I help you?” or “Are we in the way?” and I would reply “No.” each time. However, when I walked over to merch group where the group was standing and the adult man got aggressive this time. He told me something like “You are following us around.” and I anxiously replied “I don’t mean to make it look like that.” He then said “Security won’t like that. So can you please turn around and walk the other way?” which I did. As I walked away, I heard him say “Have some more dignity.” and I decided to go back to my car since the mood was ruined. The convention was almost over anyway.

If I had known that this would happen, I wouldn’t have gone. Not only was it anxiety inducing to be accused of stalking, I feel weak for not saying something harsh back and for doing what the jerk wanted me to do. I wish I could stand my ground without anxiety making me feel like a nervous wreck and be able to say something to defend myself. Depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and failures to make headway in my life have destroyed me.

 

[Suzette]

That guy was a jerk. I will bet you are not the only one he accused of something nefarious. I am sorry he ruined your time.

 

[Misery]

A couple of possibilities here:

1. Drunken paranoia on their part.

2. Drunken bravado on their part (as in, "I'm gonna show this guy off to PROVE THE MANLINESS AND GET TEH GIRLS"). Needless to say this never actually works.

3. They're dumb as a stump.

4. They've never been to a con. No, seriously, spend any real time at cons and you WILL find that, at times, you keep bumping into the same people over and over again.

In all honesty, were I in that situation, I probably would have responded to his threat with something like "Sure, call them if you want. I'm totally sure you're right and they absolutely wont see the situation as bloody stupid particularly considering all these vendors as well as all the obvious cameras around seeing me obviously browse around while ignoring you, yet with YOU clearly taking a repeated interest in me". I mean, okay, others probably wouldnt put it quite like that but I cant resist adding all that sarcasm.

Though, at cons, you will every now and then meet a jerk. When you do that, just dont engage with them. I mean, very literally just ignore them. They say something? Too bad, they get no response. It's the best way to deal with idiots (even if I personally cant resist the sarcasm). So, that's perhaps a lesson to be learned.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

I have never been to one of those things. I am in some ways alot more sinister minded than @Misery is. I would assume that a member of the group had found me attractive or interesting, and dude was running interference to keep you away. I think you did the right thing. Arguing with irrational ppl is unwise. They tend to bite

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Sometimes aspies don't realize they are standing too close to someone else. Was the comic con all in one building? Maybe it was just that you were making the same circuit as the guy, and getting in line behind him every time, and standing too close behind him?

Don't take it to heart. He's an idiot. I mean who yells at someone at a Comic Con for standing in line with them?

So just focus on the good things about the comic con, and forget about that loser. Did you get to see anyone famous? Any cool souvenirs? Don't let him ruin your day.

 

[Nairobi]

From my teens up until my early 20's, I was often regarded as seeming creepy, weird - to the point where some lashed out at me for simply looking at them, or I would hear them saying stuff behind my back, they would be obviously uncomfortable seeing me in the hallways and avoid looking at me or speaking to me. I am not saying this is what is going on with you, but I think part of that was how different I looked, particularly for being a woman. The way I walked, the way I dressed, the way I failed to try to look trendy or anything, I didn't even know how to just look neat and tidy (I bathed, I mean I didn't look well groomed as far as hair or makeup or clothing) - I think that made people think I was a suspicious weirdo who was unpleasant to be around. I was very depressed, so that was the major issue - it showed. I later studied a bunch of books on how to present myself, and I think that sank in and helped somewhat. People still think my facial expression and the way I speak can put them off, though.

Anyway, that's a horrible experience. Yes, your year seems really filled with challenges.

I also think that if a person is alone, they stand out more - so if you were with others and you happened to be wandering around where they were, they wouldn't have noticed. One person alone who by chance is near other people a few times might be noticeable. But that man acting like that - it's extreme. But I have had people react that way to me. I once got an autograph from an actor I really was into as a teen - he looked at me like I was possibly dangerous. I have no idea why. Or maybe he just looked at me weirdly - I don't know what the look was, but it wasn't good. I couldn't help it. It's hard.

 

[Suzette]

I once got an autograph from an actor I really was into as a teen - he looked at me like I was possibly dangerous. I have no idea why. Or maybe he just looked at me weirdly

That actor had just let silent fart and was hoping you didn't smell anything.

Sometimes the person acting weird isn't us at all.

 

[jleeb05]

Sometimes aspies don't realize they are standing too close to someone else. Was the comic con all in one building? Maybe it was just that you were making the same circuit as the guy, and getting in line behind him every time, and standing too close behind him?

I was actually charged with stalking someone as a kid and during my assessment this week, the clinician said that was common for aspies. Sometimes we don't pick up on social cues/personal space/etc and then you add in eye contact/awkwardness/anxiety. We just become easy targets. Still, you may not have done anything at all. That guy obviously had his eyes on you for whatever reason. Just as likely the problem was his and had nothing to do with you.

As far as you're reaction, I think it was smart not to cause a scene. I have stood my ground and, at least for me, that can sometimes lead to a meltdown if the other person doesn't back down. I think you did what was best for you.

 

[MyLifeAsAnAspie]

Sorry to hear this happened to you. It reminds me an interesting new book, "Talking to Strangers". Surprisingly, it doesn't even mention ASD or other conditions that cause confusion in interactions between strangers. The book's premise is about the huge gap between what people think they can intuit from strangers and the truth. It suggests that TV, etc. has made this worse by having characters wear their emotions on their face much more than people do in RL. The Amanda Knox debacle is probably the closest the book gets to ND causing confusion based on atypical behavior. The whole thing resulted from law enforcement thinking they could intuit her guilt from displayed emotions and behavior following the crime. Her friends reported that her behavior is often odd and quirky. Studies are sited in the book which debunk the idea of getting this kind of information from talking to a stranger. One study compared judges ability to assess whether it was safe to release suspects on bail compared to AI just looking at the facts, and the AI would have done been much better at it.

 

[Mary Terry]

Yet another bad thing has happened to me this year. This year is truly the worst I’ve ever gone through.

My older brother had free passes to the comic-con that was being held at the convention center in the city next to mine. I asked some friends if they wanted to go but they had other commitments so I went alone. The convention was half-way done but I still went. I wanted to at least see if there were some comics I’ve been looking for, especially since I missed an opportunity in Austin recently.

I kept running into a certain group of people and the adult man in the group kept asking me questions like “Can I help you?” or “Are we in the way?” and I would reply “No.” each time. However, when I walked over to merch group where the group was standing and the adult man got aggressive this time. He told me something like “You are following us around.” and I anxiously replied “I don’t mean to make it look like that.” He then said “Security won’t like that. So can you please turn around and walk the other way?” which I did. As I walked away, I heard him say “Have some more dignity.” and I decided to go back to my car since the mood was ruined. The convention was almost over anyway.

If I had known that this would happen, I wouldn’t have gone. Not only was it anxiety inducing to be accused of stalking, I feel weak for not saying something harsh back and for doing what the jerk wanted me to do. I wish I could stand my ground without anxiety making me feel like a nervous wreck and be able to say something to defend myself. Depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and failures to make headway in my life have destroyed me.

It sounds like the man was chaperoning children. You called him the "adult man in the group". Perhaps he was overly paranoid but that may be due to his concern about protecting the children. I'm hypervigilant when I take my grandkids anywhere but have never felt the need to speak in such a manner to someone I suspected of hovering around us too much to be purely coincidental. My tactic would be to take the kids and go somewhere else away from the "suspicious" loiterer. If said loiterer then followed us elsewhere, I'd notify security, not speak directly to the person.

Sorry this happened to you.

 

[Aspychata]

It could have been a weird random coincidence, like you moving in the same general direction as this group and the man had a bug up his akole and decided to ride your butt. Sometimes it's as mundane as you remind him of his stepson who he hates, or a bully in his childhood,or his meds ran out. It could have been one of his friends was noticing you and he took it personally.
I suffered a lot of meanness from wives who didn't like that their husband was staring at me. So l was accused of stupid things in my job like my clothes were to tight or my bra outline was showing. I wore loose pants and still was accused of this.

Your best answer was nothing or hey, l am going from vendor to vendor and looking for my friend, sorry l appeared this way to you. Just smile and wave and walk a different way. Security is better in these places and he obviously didn't go to security, so he was full of shiitake.

What's more important is you got out and did something fun. And more importantly, when a stranger tried to provoke you, you didn't go off,you came thru it well. Job well done.☺

How we respond to actions is very important. You should be extremely proud of yourself. Some young men or woman may have gotten into a screaming match or worse due to no emotional control.

 

[Ken]

I kept running into a certain group of people and the adult man in the group kept asking me questions like “Can I help you?” or “Are we in the way?” and I would reply “No.” each time. However, when I walked over to merch group where the group was standing and the adult man got aggressive this time. He told me something like “You are following us around.” and I anxiously replied “I don’t mean to make it look like that.” He then said “Security won’t like that. So can you please turn around and walk the other way?” which I did. As I walked away, I heard him say “Have some more dignity.” and I decided to go back to my car since the mood was ruined. The convention was almost over anyway.

Of course, I do not mean to imply or suggest you have the same problem as me, but I have been regarded as weird, creepy, etc. all my life. When alone, I am avoided by strangers. I think a common autistic characteristic - one I seem to have more than most is that my mannerisms, expressions, posture, tone, etc. are not consciously controlled. I am generally oblivious to what they are. They certainly do not reflect my current feelings or emotions. I can manually control most of that, but it is not inherent or automatic. Masking for me is a major effort in multitasking and is hard to keep it up or get it right when I do.
Often when I'm walking around in a clothing store and walk past a mirror I am always taken back at my image walking by in the mirror. Even to me, I look weird and off-putting. While looking at my image in the mirror I can adjust my expression and posture to look "normal", but I can't seem to maintain it.
Thus, early in life, I got used to the types of encounters you described. I have just learned to stay back and never get too close to anyone and try to avoid being noticed. I have also learned that any verbal retaliation always exaggerates the issue.
Again, I am not comparing you to me or suggesting you have the same issues as me. I'm just sharing my experience in similar situations.

 

[Nairobi]

Of course, I do not mean to imply or suggest you have the same problem as me, but I have been regarded as weird, creepy, etc. all my life. When alone, I am avoided by strangers. I think a common autistic characteristic - one I seem to have more than most is that my mannerisms, expressions, posture, tone, etc. are not consciously controlled. I am generally oblivious to what they are. They certainly do not reflect my current feelings or emotions. I can manually control most of that, but it is not inherent or automatic. Masking for me is a major effort in multitasking and is hard to keep it up or get it right when I do.
Often when I'm walking around in a clothing store and walk past a mirror I am always taken back at my image walking by in the mirror. Even to me, I look weird and off-putting. While looking at my image in the mirror I can adjust my expression and posture to look "normal", but I can't seem to maintain it.
Thus, early in life, I got used to the types of encounters you described. I have just learned to stay back and never get too close to anyone and try to avoid being noticed. I have also learned that any verbal retaliation always exaggerates the issue.
Again, I am not comparing you to me or suggesting you have the same issues as me. I'm just sharing my experience in similar situations.

I wanted to mark this as "winner" because I relate to it so much, but it's also pretty sad, so I don't want to mark it as "winner".

 

[Aspychata]

But the crazy thing was the serial killer Ted Bundy who fooled woman because he look so normal, and unimposing.

Thanks for the honesty put forth here. I wore a cute dress to a casino with my then husband. He went to bed, and l played the quarter slots. I had never been to a casino before. All of the sudden l was being checked out, l think the security thought l was selling body parts. Finally they left me alone. So woman can be misjudged too.

 

[Ken]

I wanted to mark this as "winner" because I relate to it so much, but it's also pretty sad, so I don't want to mark it as "winner".

Thanks Nairobi,

Something I have learned is that NT's interpret communications from facial expressions, tone and mannerisms to a greater extent than the words spoken. A blank expression is interpreted as negative, sinister or often in my case; retarded, regardless of what words are spoken. I have actually experimented with this. My wife complains that I am always so negative. My experiment is to say something very positive and happy but without any masking. She still says I am being negative. I ask her to repeat the words I said and she can't do it or if she tries it is never what I actually said. If I repeat the experiment with masking, she can easily repeat what I said. It's just that the weight of expressions far outweigh the words.
NT's or people in general are fearful of retarded people and that seems to be how I am considered unless I am in very heavy masking mode. The problem is that I can't maintain that when interested in or participating in whatever the event is.
When I am with someone, such as my wife, my blank "retarded" look is diluted by her "normal" look. I do feel extremely luck to have my wife! She is my social buffer. By the way, I did not meet my wife on a date or in person. We met in an online chatroom. We got to know each other by our words, not our looks. I am certain that if we met in person, we would have never become friends, much less married.