funeral rules

[youcancallmerosie]

Hi. I know I should probably introduce myself somewhere in the "Welcome" section before writing anything anywhere else but this is just more important and I don't have time and can't think of anything else. I can introduce myself later - when or if I think of something to write in the first place.

I need help and I hope that I can get it here. By "help" I mean "advice". I hope it's the right category, too. If not, please, don't be angry with me.

Are there any funeral rules? How people know how to act?

I have no idea how I am supposed to behave and react, what is expected of me and appropriate and necessary. I don't want to do anything wrong and spoil everything or make anybody upset or angry. I just don't know what to do and how to do it and I'm overwhelmed with stress and so so so scared. I feel lost.

It's just that I've never had a family member die - until yesterday. The funeral is on Wednesday afternoon. How do one act at a funeral when a loved one dies? What are the expectations and rules, what one is not supposed to do? Should I cry or demonstrate sadness in any special way or "act brave" or say something or do something specific or... I don't know. I just don't know. It's really awful that everybody around me is just grieving and making all these necessary funeral arrangements and thinking mainly of my grandpa apparently and I am most concerned with what to do to act right so that I won't spoil this event in any way by doing something inappropriate or by neglecting something that I should do. I don't know what to expect and what is expected from me and it's just too much.

So if anybody could present me with a list of rules or something, it would be great to learn the right behaviour.

 

[Cazelle]

Hi, and welcome . I assume you are ASD or thinking you might be?
Generally when attending a funeral people are feeling sad and thinking of the person who passed. They also feel for the person or people closest to the deceased - spouse, partner, siblings who were close, etc. People express feelings of sadness, loss, grief through tears, sharing memories, hugging and physically supporting others. Sometimes people express an element of relief, especially if the death was after prolonged suffering. Is there anyone else that has the same or similar relationship with the deceased as you have that you can model your behaviour on? (A sibling or cousin or something?)

 

[BraidedPony]

I really know how it feels to attend a ceremony and have no idea how to act! Weddings, good grief!
There are different rituals depending on religion and geography. So you wont be the only person there that will be unsure what to do.
Here is what I do...I watch what others do and copy what they do in a toned down way. Crying is ok, if you feel like crying, go ahead. The only rule I have is to not cry "louder" than anyone closer to the deceased. For example if the widow is quietly crying, dont sob out loud.
I usually just stand out of the way and not say anything and that has worked well.
Funeral homes have people that will tell those gathered when to go into the chapel, when to exit, things like that.
If you know the religion, you can Google funeral manners and that has helped me too.
I like to observe, not just to copy what others do, but to be there in case someone needs a tissue (bring kleenex) or a hand on the shoulder or a hug depending on who it is. Usually I'm most handy at pointing out where the restrooms are, I always know that for some reason!
You will do fine.

 

[tducey]

Yeah, watch what others doing if you're not sure. Go with the flow if you will.

 

[GadAbout]

Ask one of your relatives if you could go to the funeral with them and sit together during the service. Then quietly glance around the room to see how people are behaving, and do similarly.

Remember that a funeral is not about you, it's about the person who died and their very closest friends and relatives. Everyone else is there to pay respects to the deceased and their closest friends and relatives. So do not have a meltdown (if you have to, leave the building) and do not speak loudly or act strangely. You are not there to call attention to yourself. This is probably the single biggest "rule."

 

[FreeDiver]

I would just sit in the back, Keep quiet, keep your head nodded down and try not to look at anyone.

 

[Mia]

It's just that I've never had a family member die - until yesterday. The funeral is on Wednesday afternoon. How do one act at a funeral when a loved one dies? What are the expectations and rules, what one is not supposed to do? Should I cry or demonstrate sadness in any special way or "act brave" or say something or do something specific or... I don't know. I just don't know. It's really awful that everybody around me is just grieving and making all these necessary funeral arrangements and thinking mainly of my grandpa apparently and I am most concerned with what to do to act right so that I won't spoil this event in any way by doing something inappropriate or by neglecting something that I should do.

When my grandfather died, I went to his funeral as a teen. We were quite close when I was a child. I dressed in dark clothing and didn't wish to attract attention with bright clothing or the latest fads in clothing. It was appropriate for me to wear something that I know he would have liked, simple black pants and a blouse, some of the older family members who were female wore plain day skirts and blouses in muted patterns. And most of the men wore suits or shirts and ties.

I went in the morning, and the night before his funeral, I wrote down some things to remember him, so I wouldn't forget what kind of person he was, also wrote down what he meant to me. I was quiet at the funeral and didn't talk much, but I did place a bouquet of wildflowers on his grave later on.

Didn't cry at his funeral, but did that a few days later when I was alone. It does depend on how you feel or felt about your grandfather, we are all different in the way we process the loss of people we know. My condolences on the loss of your Grandfather.

 

[Crossbreed]

@youcancallmerosie , imagine if your deceased relative had announced to you and your relatives, "I must leave, now, and can never come back."

That should give you an emotional starting point and a sense of what your relatives must be feeling. Then, just let those feelings wash over you. Those who were closer to him/her will feel it stronger, but everyone will feel it to a certain extent.

I did not grow up around my dad (divorced by my mom), but after he died, I felt like I would never have the opportunity to get to know him.

 

[Judge]

Funerals have some basic protocols which have been mentioned.

However your grief is yours alone. No matter how you do or don't convey it to others.

 

[Sherlock77]

A funeral is sad, some people will cry, but not everyone does... In my experiences

Express yourself however you feel like expressing yourself, everyone grieves differently, was it a relative you were close to? But just be there, be present, observe...

And you will have many more funerals to attend the older you get, both family and friends, some friends who you may be very close to, perhaps closer than you are to family members...

 

[Progster]

First of all, more information is needed... which country? What religion? Funerals and their associated customs can vary a lot according to which country or culture you belong to.

I would sit at the back, keep quiet and watch what other people do and copy them.

Don't feel pressurised to make a display of grief... dealing with grief is a private thing that you can choose to share only if you want to, and how you deal with it is up to you.

 

[youcancallmerosie]

Thank you all for your replies. They're really helpful. It'll be a long post 'cause I want to reply with something to everybody.

Is there anyone else that has the same or similar relationship with the deceased as you have that you can model your behaviour on? (A sibling or cousin or something?)

Yes, luckily there will by grandma, parents and both siblings. I will surely look at them and try to behave similarly. It's just that I needed to make some plans and research on how to act so that I can get myself prepared a bit or something like that.

I really know how it feels to attend a ceremony and have no idea how to act! Weddings, good grief!
There are different rituals depending on religion and geography. So you wont be the only person there that will be unsure what to do.
Here is what I do...I watch what others do and copy what they do in a toned down way. Crying is ok, if you feel like crying, go ahead. The only rule I have is to not cry "louder" than anyone closer to the deceased. For example if the widow is quietly crying, dont sob out loud.
I usually just stand out of the way and not say anything and that has worked well.
Funeral homes have people that will tell those gathered when to go into the chapel, when to exit, things like that.
If you know the religion, you can Google funeral manners and that has helped me too.
I like to observe, not just to copy what others do, but to be there in case someone needs a tissue (bring kleenex) or a hand on the shoulder or a hug depending on who it is. Usually I'm most handy at pointing out where the restrooms are, I always know that for some reason!
You will do fine.

This is a very useful post to me, thanks!

Yeah, watch what others doing if you're not sure. Go with the flow if you will.

That's the plan, that's the plan in most situations, but reading experiences and advice from you all made me calmer.

Remember that a funeral is not about you, it's about the person who died and their very closest friends and relatives. Everyone else is there to pay respects to the deceased and their closest friends and relatives. So do not have a meltdown (if you have to, leave the building) and do not speak loudly or act strangely. You are not there to call attention to yourself. This is probably the single biggest "rule."

Yes, I know that this is about grandpa mainly but as my grandma, parents and my siblings were the closest (or in fact even: the only) family he had, I feel like this is somehow more important that I behave right that it would be if it was some distant relative. I hope I'll manage it ok. Don't want to spoil anything.

I would just sit in the back, Keep quiet, keep your head nodded down and try not to look at anyone.

That sounds like a good plan. My family probably wants me to sit by their side though. Hopefully they won't choose a front row, it would be easier and more comfortable somewhere in the back, like you say.

When my grandfather died, I went to his funeral as a teen. We were quite close when I was a child. I dressed in dark clothing and didn't wish to attract attention with bright clothing or the latest fads in clothing. It was appropriate for me to wear something that I know he would have liked, simple black pants and a blouse, some of the older family members who were female wore plain day skirts and blouses in muted patterns. And most of the men wore suits or shirts and ties.

I went in the morning, and the night before his funeral, I wrote down some things to remember him, so I wouldn't forget what kind of person he was, also wrote down what he meant to me. I was quiet at the funeral and didn't talk much, but I did place a bouquet of wildflowers on his grave later on.

Thank you for sharing your story, it's relatable and helpful.

imagine if your deceased relative had announced to you and your relatives, "I must leave, now, and can never come back."

In fact, that's how I feel about it.

Funerals have some basic protocols which have been mentioned.

However your grief is yours alone. No matter how you do or don't convey it to others.

Yes, they've been mentioned and helped a lot.

was it a relative you were close to? But just be there, be present, observe...

Grandpa liked to keep distance from people but as a child I was close with him and he often played with me. As time passed, we didn't see each other and talked so often, it was more distant, but still - he was close to me.
Yeah, that's what I will do.

First of all, more information is needed... which country? What religion? Funerals and their associated customs can vary a lot according to which country or culture you belong to.

I would sit at the back, keep quiet and watch what other people do and copy them.

Don't feel pressurised to make a display of grief... dealing with grief is a private thing that you can choose to share only if you want to, and how you deal with it is up to you.

It's Poland, and the religion I guess is called Christian Protestant. There's going to be a service in the church first - I asked and they say about 40-45 minutes - and then we will drive to the cemetry. In between, people will probably come to us and talk. I admit I'm scared of that.
Thank you for your adivce!

 

[Cazelle]

You are right, people are likely to come up to yourself and your family after the service to offer their condolences, say how much they liked your grandfather and to offer support. It might be good to have some responses ready so you're not caught off guard. A simple thank you is a good start. If you don't know a person you could ask them how they knew your grandfather. If they offer support you can say 'thank you, that's good to know' or 'thank you, that's much appreciated'.

 

[Rectify]

You've received heaps of feedback and that's probably enough but I just wanted to say I've been to three funerals last year and this year (a lot for me) and to let you know of my experiences.

It's really awful that everybody around me is just grieving and making all these necessary funeral arrangements and thinking mainly of my grandpa apparently and I am most concerned with what to do to act right so that I won't spoil this event in any way by doing something inappropriate or by neglecting something that I should do.

No, not at all. It's really nice that you are concerned and want to do the right thing during this ceremony.

I agree that funerals are for the most part all about the people closest to the person who died. It's a way to commemorate and see them off. You remember the good times and the funny times. At the funerals I've been to no one was sobbing loudly but there were always a few who cried more, while most people remained pretty composed or had red eyes and wiped away a tear here or there.

The funerals lasted about an hour then people got up in small groups and went to place things on the coffins - flowers or rosemary. Then they went outside and had a cup of tea and a snack. It's a funny old business but kind of nice.

I hope it goes well for you and I'm sorry to hear about your Grandfather. My condolences.

(That is one of the nice things that you can say, and which people may say to you on the day. Another is 'I'm sorry for your loss.' They both make sense to me.)

 

[youcancallmerosie]

Hi. I want to thank for all the advice once more. It was really useful and helpful. Everything went okay.