I can't remember the last time I actually had a good day. I cannot for the life of me recall the most previous moment in time that I was able to go about my day and smile the whole time.
Nowadays of course, I am smiling, but not because I want to; it's because *somebody* has made it a rule that I have to smile. It's always "You got nothing to be upset about! Put a damn smile on your face! Be happy for once! Take it with a grain of salt blah blah blah!" Well if it's so [bleep] easy, why don't YOU do it?! Cause I sure don't see YOU smiling right now!
Noooo, you have to "make the best of a bad situation" and "be like Elsa from Frozen and LET IT GOOOOOOOO" Yeah, I'll let something go, how about the blunt end of my [bleep] knuckles?! Oh, but violence isn't the answer! So I can't do that...
What the [bleep] is wrong with these people's heads?! Have they not turned on the news and seen how many people were murdered last night, let alone kidnapped or otherwise inconvenienced?! Have they not seen all the back-and-forth attack/defense ads against/for President A and President B who shall not be named otherwise because I don't have the mental energy to argue with anybody about it?! No, no it's totally fine. Everything's just fine in the world right now, everything's just ho-hum hunky dory Tinky Winky PEACHY RIGHT NOW!
I don't even know whether I'm supposed to be angry at this or depressed about it. I've always known that having emotions that match what's happening to you or somebody else is just human nature, but then you have people with opposite opinions of these different conversations about it that are also adept at being emotionally abusive or otherwise a mental chessmaster, for lack of a better term, so then they listen for things you say and when it's their turn to talk, they use those things against you as if they're the ones who said it first and you are just some kind of mouthpiece for it. Not that that last part has anything to do with this but hopefully you can see the type of connection I'm trying to make.
When I was a younger kid, NOT a teenager, I used to look at the glass half-full. I used to smile at everything, be able to look everyone and everything in the face with the most stoneface expression, and yet I was still able to say that I had a good day. Then I became a teenager and realized just how cruel, stupid, evil and crafty people are, not to mention pure crazy or otherwise messed up in the head, as soon as I got dumped into EC (Exceptional Child) classes at the schools I went to. Basically this meant, for those unaware, that I was in a classroom aligned to the same level of disability that I was dealing with, albeit not explicitly the exact same disabilities as some of my classmates weren't all autistic, some just simply had ADHD, ADD, OCD or something ending with a D... course that also didn't mean that everyone was able to understand what being autistic was really like, so I had to explain it to them multiple times, mainly because the topic of it I focused on the most was that nobody can often understand or comprehend anything you say, regardless of what it is or how clearly you say it; I'd often tell them it would be like if I just gave a presidential speech using 2nd Grade Language Arts skills and everybody would just look at me like I just declared war on the Andromeda system in fluent Klingon. Finally I just dumbed it down to "Young man have coo-coo spider living on brain" because nobody could [bleep] understand me otherwise.
Whether this is where the relentless teasing and bullying started and gradually evolved over time, I don't think I'll ever know, but nonetheless from that point on, it started with name calling like "dumb***", the infamous R-word that shall not be spoken, among others...
Then after that, personal attacks. I would get up with everyone else during a transition to another class to hear paper rustling from behind me, then I'd reach behind me to feel some tape with paper hanging off it...and I'd pull that out from behind me to find that somebody who doesn't appreciate ASD had drawn a stick figure comic of me falling down the stairs into a tub of my own [CENSORED].
Then it evolved into mimicking all of my little bodily tics and verbal tendencies, until that went as far as to blatantly plagiarize things that required me to sign my name or otherwise have my own perspective of whatever we were writing some kind of report about... to which said bully would then sign MY name over THEIR work... you'd think that with teachers that know how to tell other's handwriting apart would be able to rule the odd one out, but lo and behold when I find out that they weren't just mimicking my writing style but also my handwriting as well!!!
Needless to say I was actually quite surprised when a teacher in the hallway saw me grab this kid in the hallway by the shoulders and Rocket Screw him into the double doors on the way out...and told me to my face that I wasn't even in trouble for it because somehow she had heard and seen the whole thing... ("Rocket Screw" is taken from a combat technique I had programmed into one of my RPG Maker projects at the time... you grab the victim from behind, spin yourself around to the opposite side of their body, throw them outward in a twisting motion and follow up with a kick as hard as you can with the torque coming from the knee...it's a lot simpler than it sounds and provided the victim doesn't see it coming or know how to counter it, it is nearly guaranteed to screw them over physically.)
Can anyone blame me for being who I am now, honestly? Corrupted spiritually by years, nay, decades of being shamed, shunned and put down for all mannerism of misunderstanding, the worst of these being accused of something I'm not?
This is why the other day I just finally said "Well, if this society wants to me to be evil so bad, why not give them what they want? Why not just live up to what they apparently want to see? It sure is a hell of a lot easier than trying to undo what they think of me..."
Well, I guess "Affably Evil", but still...be careful what you wish for.
Nowadays of course, I am smiling, but not because I want to; it's because *somebody* has made it a rule that I have to smile. It's always "You got nothing to be upset about! Put a damn smile on your face! Be happy for once! Take it with a grain of salt blah blah blah!" Well if it's so [bleep] easy, why don't YOU do it?! Cause I sure don't see YOU smiling right now!
Noooo, you have to "make the best of a bad situation" and "be like Elsa from Frozen and LET IT GOOOOOOOO" Yeah, I'll let something go, how about the blunt end of my [bleep] knuckles?! Oh, but violence isn't the answer! So I can't do that...
What the [bleep] is wrong with these people's heads?! Have they not turned on the news and seen how many people were murdered last night, let alone kidnapped or otherwise inconvenienced?! Have they not seen all the back-and-forth attack/defense ads against/for President A and President B who shall not be named otherwise because I don't have the mental energy to argue with anybody about it?! No, no it's totally fine. Everything's just fine in the world right now, everything's just ho-hum hunky dory Tinky Winky PEACHY RIGHT NOW!
I don't even know whether I'm supposed to be angry at this or depressed about it. I've always known that having emotions that match what's happening to you or somebody else is just human nature, but then you have people with opposite opinions of these different conversations about it that are also adept at being emotionally abusive or otherwise a mental chessmaster, for lack of a better term, so then they listen for things you say and when it's their turn to talk, they use those things against you as if they're the ones who said it first and you are just some kind of mouthpiece for it. Not that that last part has anything to do with this but hopefully you can see the type of connection I'm trying to make.
When I was a younger kid, NOT a teenager, I used to look at the glass half-full. I used to smile at everything, be able to look everyone and everything in the face with the most stoneface expression, and yet I was still able to say that I had a good day. Then I became a teenager and realized just how cruel, stupid, evil and crafty people are, not to mention pure crazy or otherwise messed up in the head, as soon as I got dumped into EC (Exceptional Child) classes at the schools I went to. Basically this meant, for those unaware, that I was in a classroom aligned to the same level of disability that I was dealing with, albeit not explicitly the exact same disabilities as some of my classmates weren't all autistic, some just simply had ADHD, ADD, OCD or something ending with a D... course that also didn't mean that everyone was able to understand what being autistic was really like, so I had to explain it to them multiple times, mainly because the topic of it I focused on the most was that nobody can often understand or comprehend anything you say, regardless of what it is or how clearly you say it; I'd often tell them it would be like if I just gave a presidential speech using 2nd Grade Language Arts skills and everybody would just look at me like I just declared war on the Andromeda system in fluent Klingon. Finally I just dumbed it down to "Young man have coo-coo spider living on brain" because nobody could [bleep] understand me otherwise.
Whether this is where the relentless teasing and bullying started and gradually evolved over time, I don't think I'll ever know, but nonetheless from that point on, it started with name calling like "dumb***", the infamous R-word that shall not be spoken, among others...
Then after that, personal attacks. I would get up with everyone else during a transition to another class to hear paper rustling from behind me, then I'd reach behind me to feel some tape with paper hanging off it...and I'd pull that out from behind me to find that somebody who doesn't appreciate ASD had drawn a stick figure comic of me falling down the stairs into a tub of my own [CENSORED].
Then it evolved into mimicking all of my little bodily tics and verbal tendencies, until that went as far as to blatantly plagiarize things that required me to sign my name or otherwise have my own perspective of whatever we were writing some kind of report about... to which said bully would then sign MY name over THEIR work... you'd think that with teachers that know how to tell other's handwriting apart would be able to rule the odd one out, but lo and behold when I find out that they weren't just mimicking my writing style but also my handwriting as well!!!
Needless to say I was actually quite surprised when a teacher in the hallway saw me grab this kid in the hallway by the shoulders and Rocket Screw him into the double doors on the way out...and told me to my face that I wasn't even in trouble for it because somehow she had heard and seen the whole thing... ("Rocket Screw" is taken from a combat technique I had programmed into one of my RPG Maker projects at the time... you grab the victim from behind, spin yourself around to the opposite side of their body, throw them outward in a twisting motion and follow up with a kick as hard as you can with the torque coming from the knee...it's a lot simpler than it sounds and provided the victim doesn't see it coming or know how to counter it, it is nearly guaranteed to screw them over physically.)
Can anyone blame me for being who I am now, honestly? Corrupted spiritually by years, nay, decades of being shamed, shunned and put down for all mannerism of misunderstanding, the worst of these being accused of something I'm not?
This is why the other day I just finally said "Well, if this society wants to me to be evil so bad, why not give them what they want? Why not just live up to what they apparently want to see? It sure is a hell of a lot easier than trying to undo what they think of me..."
Well, I guess "Affably Evil", but still...be careful what you wish for.
