Friendships - usual insecurities? Looking for some insight.

[DissolvedGirl]

Hello everyone! Ever since I discovered I might be aspie I've been really pondering on my past social relationships. It's always been tricky - as a child I had a few play friends, but usually I would play by myself and didn't get along easily with more commanding girls. In middle school, I had a best friend who was a sensitive, kind girl as well and a larger group of friends, but I would always feel on the fringe and be really confused about social dynamics. Usually, I would end up in a situation where I would feel rejected in a passive aggressive manner and struggle to understand what went wrong.

This situation then repeated for many times along the years, especially in relationships with females. Sometimes, it was pretty up front and obvious that I was being rejected or insulted. Other times, it would be like trying to solve a puzzle and tripping out over and over. What did they mean by that? Are they mad at me? Did I do something wrong? Did I say too much?

Now, as an adult, I fortunately found my people, even if I don't always get to see them the relationship is genuine and open, I know I don't have to be afraid about saying something wrong, but I still am sometimes. As for new people, I always overthink it, especially if it's someone I respect and like. The question "did I do something wrong?" will most likely pop up.

I've always been a people pleaser and I wanna be liked, especially by the people I like. Many times it's alright and lately I've met some incredible people and it was all easy going with them. But with some people, especially females, the signs seem so mixed. For instance, I always found myself tripping out if I had a person in my life whom I considered an almost-friend and we would talk and be really ok with each other and they would like most of my posts, but then suddenly they would stop liking any of them. I know it sounds silly, I was ashamed for feeling like this but I usually share my work, for instance I have an account with my film photography, which is a big part of what I do, so it would be like the people would stop liking what I do in real life as well. I think some people use likes for passive aggressive behavior and it's very confusing, I know I'm paranoid in many instances but at the same time, I really don't understand sudden changes of behavior when in theory, nothing changed (even though in theory I realize how complicated relationships are and how easy it is to mirror your own insecurities&problems onto the other, that's how most social issues start).

Does this make sense? What are your experiences with friendship insecurities and passive aggressive behavior? Could it be that sometimes I actually am right about the weird behavior and I'm just picking it up on an unconscious level, the bits of insincerity in the interaction? Thank you for reading!

 

[Progster]

Very possibly you are right. Many people are passive aggressive, and use this behaviour to manipulate or to assert themselves in the a pecking order, at the expense of someone else. NTs are good at spotting this and dealing effectively with it but people with ASD usually find this hard. It's a form of bullying - in many cases socially accepted or tolerated bullying, but bullying nonetheless.

 

[SunnyDay16]

In my experience and I'm sure plenty other people's experiences, yes many people are passive aggressive. I think part of that is our culture and expecting people to know what all the unspecified social rules/norms are. Personality also plays a part too and how they were raised.

It's a good idea to not try to be a people pleaser. You could be socially perfect, following all the social rules and norms that there is, and there will still be people who won't be pleased with you or like you. Having a balance between staying true to yourself and being socially aware is the better option. I used to kind of be a people pleaser too, worrying constantly about whether or not people liked me and not being good with setting boundaries. This didn't make me happy at all and it definitely didn't help my self-esteem.

Nobody always makes the right social choice all the time. We all blurt out stupid stuff without thinking or say something insensitive, it's just that aspies are more prone to doing it. It's best to be aware of it and try to do better, but overthinking it tends to be very anxiety inducing, at least for me. It can be counterproductive since I find that the more anxious I am, the worse my social skills are.

 

[DissolvedGirl]

In my experience and I'm sure plenty other people's experiences, yes many people are passive aggressive. I think part of that is our culture and expecting people to know what all the unspecified social rules/norms are. Personality also plays a part too and how they were raised.

It's a good idea to not try to be a people pleaser. You could be socially perfect, following all the social rules and norms that there is, and there will still be people who won't be pleased with you or like you. Having a balance between staying true to yourself and being socially aware is the better option. I used to kind of be a people pleaser too, worrying constantly about whether or not people liked me and not being good with setting boundaries. This didn't make me happy at all and it definitely didn't help my self-esteem.

Nobody always makes the right social choice all the time. We all blurt out stupid stuff without thinking or say something insensitive, it's just that aspies are more prone to doing it. It's best to be aware of it and try to do better, but overthinking it tends to be very anxiety inducing, at least for me. It can be counterproductive since I find that the more anxious I am, the worse my social skills are.

I agree! I'm really trying to be less of a people pleaser and lately I've come to accept myself more and more and to care less and less about what the main majority thinks. But I still find myself tripping out from time to time over seemingly small stuff.