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Featured Friendship With middle aged married man

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by Butterfly-ink210, Jan 7, 2018.

  1. Butterfly-ink210

    Butterfly-ink210 Active Member

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    In 2016, we were volunteers at our kids' school. We talked every week at lunchroom. He didn't talk to me when his wife was there. There was intense eye contact from the beginning. I felt safe and very comfortable with him and never judged. He couldn't remember my name and he asked several times, finally saying he wasn't good with that. So, he never used my name, even in email. He talked about himself a lot, what he did for the school. He complained that people didn't do their jobs the right way and that the kids just wanted attention. He rarely asked me questions about what I liked or what I did. I was captivated by his attention, charm and gentleness.

    He always made sure I would be at the next event. I felt drawn to him like a magnet and I quickly became addicted to how he energized me. After 2 1/2 months of friendship, I told him one week that I was glad to see him and he smiled. I asked him to go for a ride in my muscle car and he laughed, making me feel really stupid for asking. Then he patted my shoulder and I did it to him and he did it again. On the way to the car, he said "are you ok, I am concerned about you and I care about you." In the car ride, I told him that I was thinking about him too much and I was afraid of crossing lines. I am married also. I told him he was good-looking, handsome and I was attracted to him and he made me happy and confident. He told me that "it won't be weird between us and we can still be friends". Before he left, we looked at each other and I wanted to kiss him, but I didn't. He told me that he got a job at a school and that we wouldn't see each other as much. This upset me a lot and I told him he couldn't leave me.

    Nearly two months later, we were working at a school dance and he didn't approach me. He was in the back of the gym, alone, 4 different times. I figured he was waiting for me so I talked to him for 15 minutes. I rubbed his back and he touched my shoulder twice. We were very close to each other with intense eye contact. Afterwards, I was very happy and I felt like I was going to fall into an affair with him.

    Two weeks later, I sent him several emails and he told me he was running the craft fair. I asked him for some info about his freelance photography and I got a response 3 paragraphs long. I decided to show up there with a letter for him. When I did, he wasn't running the fair, but supervising the set up for 3 hours. The school principal was there to oversee our conversation. He was trying to argue that this was over but I convinced him to listen. I gave him the letter, which stated that I fell in love with him with how he touched my heart and also that I quit volunteering because I can't handle seeing him. He said he just wanted to be friends. I offered him $50 to take his wife on date night to smooth things over and he said "I would rather donate that money to the school."

    Two weeks later, we met at church, unplanned and we both stopped and stared at each other. We didn't talk, but I felt he read the letter. After this, he was silent for a month.

    There is more but I wanted to start with some background.
     
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  2. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    So, you got a heavy crush on a married man.
    And he didn't reciprocate the way you anticipated,
    it sounds like.
     
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  3. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    What about the man you are married to? Does he not deserve your attention?

    Ok, so you must not be in love with your husband or at least, lacking the affections, otherwise, you would not have fallen for another guy.

    No doubt he is flattered by your attention and it is quite possible, that the reason he did not mention his wife, because he felt he did not need to, rather than because he was drawn to you and wanted to forget about her.
     
  4. Butterfly-ink210

    Butterfly-ink210 Active Member

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    Both of us having difficulties in our marriages and neither of us having boundaries, our friendship was quickly heading in a different direction.
     
  5. Butterfly-ink210

    Butterfly-ink210 Active Member

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    I knew who his wife was and he never acknowledged me in her presence and never talked about her in our conversations.
     
  6. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    Yeah.
    Completely compartmentalized.

    Not a good/positive indicator.
     
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  7. Butterfly-ink210

    Butterfly-ink210 Active Member

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    What is compartmentalized and also not a positive indicator?
     
  8. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    compartmentalized>

    He never acknowledged you in the presence of his wife.
    He didn't talk about her to you.

    Keeping the two females in separate compartments.
    As if when with one, the other didn't exist.

    not a positive indicator>

    Not looking like anything good was likely to come about.
     
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  9. Panthro

    Panthro Well-Known Member

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    At the end of the day, both of you have kids and a family. You dont have a boyfriend, you have a husband, and you have a kid(s) with him that you have responsibility to. From the moment that you gave birth to your child, your happiness became secondary. Don't throw that away for a dead end affair. You will ruin your family and his family too. I hate to be blunt but you are not high school kids pursuing some crush in some bf/gf. You took a vow and it is "grown woman" time to put your family first. I don't mean to be harsh, but I just don't want to see you make a mistake that you will regret and will forever change the lives of your children as well as how they may view relationships from now on.
     
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  10. garnetflower13

    garnetflower13 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I had a male neighbor like that once. He was always a little over-the-top when he would greet me, unless his wife was around. Always asking if there was anything I needed, blah blah. I really liked his wife, since she had once worked with autistic children and she knew that I was on the spectrum so she was always nice to me. I noticed that he was very distant towards me if his wife was around, and I also noticed that if I ran into him on the street and asked after his wife, he would get this exasperated expression on his face, like, Why do we have to bring her up?

    These are excellent examples of compartmentalizing.
     
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  11. Butterfly-ink210

    Butterfly-ink210 Active Member

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    Yes, I agree. My friendship with him is over. He knew how I felt and continued to engage me and told me that we could still be friends and he didn't understand why we couldn't. The school principal had to break up our friendship and even that didn't keep us away from each other. Nothing physical, except a few hugs. Now, I am getting my marriage back on track.
     
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  12. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    No, YOU are the one who has overstep the boundries, otherwise, you would be right in the middle of an affair with this other man, but he has stepped back and obviously is wanting to do the RIGHT thing and concentrate on improving his marriage.

    You both have children. What about their feelings?
     
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  13. Starfire

    Starfire Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    People make mistakes! We are all human therefore by default we will make mistakes of all kinds. The important thing is to recognise that, not repeat the mistake, learn from it, and make amends. I get the impression that Butterfly-ink isn't proud of her behaviour and knows she made a big mistake. The fact that she is "getting her marriage back on track" demonstrates that she loves and cares for her children and husband or she could have just walked away. None of us know what else was going on in the background. It was a bad situation I'm not denying that, and potentially very harmful to many people and I'm sure that is recognised by all. However, I'm sure most of us are familiar with the expression "let s/he who is without sin cast the first stone!". If there is anyone here who has never made a mistake of any kind, then please cast the largest stone you can find at me, I'm at the front of the queue.
     
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  14. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    We obviously interpret her threads different then, because yes, of course we make mistakes ( I know all too well that), but in truth, how can you say she intends to work on her marriage, when she CLEARLY states that she is in love with this guy and actually chases him?
     
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  15. Starfire

    Starfire Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I believe she intends to work on her marriage because she says "now, I'm getting my marriage back on track"

    I can't clearly see her say anywhere that she is still in love with him and chases him. What she says clearly is "my friendship with him is over".

    Anyway Suzanne, we will just have to agree to disagree. It's not my place to judge or speak for anyone else, Butterfly-ink is perfectly capable of speaking for herself. I do feel however that Butterfly-ink has been here for a very short time, has opened herself up on different subjects, and in my opinion, been treated quite harshly and with little compassion from some people.
     
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  16. pax

    pax Well-Known Member

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    After reading two of your threads I am really surprised that your profile says you are 52. Just saying.
     
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  17. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    She has obviously posted new information then, and thus, :) no disagreement.
     
  18. Butterfly-ink210

    Butterfly-ink210 Active Member

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    I did have feelings for him yes, and he did reciprocate them, yes--there is more to what I wrote here--but, we have no contact with each other and have put an end to what could have been a disastrous situation. All of us involved have learned a lot from this experience and quite frankly, sometimes we have to learn the hard way.
     
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  19. Butterfly-ink210

    Butterfly-ink210 Active Member

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    Are you surprised in a good way or a bad way? If it's along the lines of "knowing better", then perhaps I should include the words mid-life crisis in my profile.
     
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  20. garnetflower13

    garnetflower13 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Mid-life crisis can make people do some crazy things! But I am sure you did not post here in order to be judged, rather you were looking for support and validation. And by posting here, you have read the responses, backed off, and made a wise decision. That is much better behavior than some can boast of! You are to be commended!:cool:
     
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