Friends/loneliness

[Captain]

Hiya
I've spent the last few years stumbling about in a kind of exhausted stupor; finally got my diagnosis a year ago. I always thought it was my fault for not having friends, because I barely got out of the house. Now I've started uni; and I've been making a conscious effort to socialize. Joined a number of societies and went to them religiously. Jumped at any social event. While there are people I regularly interact with now (which is very nice), I cannot get emotionally close with any of them. Conversations are always stilted and awkward, especially if they are 1-to-1. Most people bond about things they are passionate about; which should be one of my strong suits as someone with autism; but I cannot get excited about anything; and I tend to lack the energy to pursue any of my hobbies. I don't seem to have any enthusiasm left in me.
I've started to resign myself to the fact that I'll never have friends. I wish I could be happy being alone, but I'm really not.

I used to have friends online, but I don't even have those anymore. I'm too exhausted most of the time to carry any sort of conversation. I feel completely and utterly isolated. I've started to hate myself; and lost any sense of self worth (which are both quite novel feelings for me, probably because I always assumed there was something 'wrong' with other people rather than with me). I feel like such garbage. And there doesn't seem anything I can do about it.

I'm sorry; this is a bit of a rant. Do any of you struggle making friends? Is there anything you can do get comfortable with loneliness? And can you get anything done when you are so de-energized and exhausted all the time?

I still have my family, anyway; so at least there are people out there who love me

 

[Illkurok]

I've had friends come and go in my life, but the lack of knowing how to socialize properly to keep them around for a long time is what hinders me. If I don't have something in common with a person, then it's not even worth being acquaintances.

My main obsession became my best friend, it's always there and I never have to worry about it deciding to leave me, still though that being said, I do wish I had another person with the same interest to talk with about it or play games related to it.

I don't suffer a burnout with my interest, for some reason it stays fresh like I just picked it up and the fact that I've been immersed in it since I was four years old doesn't weigh negatively on me.

I always thought that I was the problem in friendships though, too biased and unwilling to try other things, but with the way my mind works, devoting time to something aside from my primary interest is prime to cause meltdowns and mental struggles.

I don't need to change for anyone, either they like me as I am or they can push on as far as I'm concerned.

If you need someone to vent/talk to in the future, my ear is open to you.

 

[Bolletje]

I used to struggle making friends a lot, but I had the luck of finding a group of likeminded individuals on a local internet forum in my teens and hung out with them a lot at parties and at home. Most of them were a bit awkward so we’d either engage in mutual interests (making music, watching shows) or drink and get high together.
At uni I joined various groups but still felt like an outsider. I’d get rudely rebutted by people I tried to get to know and I felt more alone than ever.
I then joined my faculty’s magazine as editor and writer. This was great, because the rest of the group was mostly outcasts and sarcastic people just like me. And writing is one of my special interests. I made friends for life there.
Other than that I mostly made friends by hanging around in bars. I’m very social with a drink in me, so that makes it easier. But my closest friends remain those I made on the Internet forum and on my faculty’s magazine.

 

[GadAbout]

I've started to resign myself to the fact that I'll never have friends. I wish I could be happy being alone, but I'm really not.

Kiddo, at 17 you are WAY too young to resign yourself to this! Read the post from Bolletje. The world is your oyster.... now go out and get it.

 

[Fino]

I finally got real, good, actual friends when I met a couple of Christians, and I went to their Christian things, although I was not Christian. Maybe you can try going to a Christian group on campus, if you haven't already.

 

[Bolletje]

Kiddo, at 17 you are WAY too young to resign yourself to this! Read the post from Bolletje. The world is your oyster.... now go out and get it.

Yeah, I should add that I was a really lonely teenager and didn’t start making friends until I was around 16 years old. But the real friendships began when I was in my mid-twenties. I’m 33 now so I’ve had some more time to practice my social skills than OP has

 

[Misery]

This is something I've been repeating alot, and it's going to sound really strange, but....

....Drink more water. Like, ALOT of water.

I mention this because of you talking about how you feel sluggish or out of energy, or out of enthusiasm. I've been through all of that, all at the same time. Due to what was almost a medical incident, I discovered the effects of dehydration, and the fact that most people dont realize that they even are deydrated. It turns out, not having enough water has ALOT of side effects. And one of those is screwing with your mood/enthusiasm/everything.

I got myself a big thermos thing and now drink from that pretty much constantly. I no longer experience that odd exhaustion or lack of energy/enthusiasm. The only thing I lack now is patience... no amount of water will give me THAT. Though, it takes a couple of weeks for your body to get used to suddenly having proper amounts of water. It's not the sort of solution where you'll have almost a glass of it and go "WOW I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER". It takes a couple of weeks to work, and it's only going to work if you drink enough of it.

And no, soda doesnt count. I tried that.

Really though, I'm making this as a serious suggestion. Drink water. So much. It could have way more of an effect on your life than you'd think. The effects of dehydration are much stronger than most people realize, yet it's so very, very easy to not even know it.


Aside from that.... well, while that can help with the whole enthusiasm/mood/energy issue, there aint much in the way of advice I can give for just making friends. I mean, you could meet people on here, we all try not to bite, but meeting people in-person.... yeah, no idea. I'm the sort that really only converses online. Offline, I keep to myself. Got my dog anyway.

 

[LucyPurrs]

If this exhaustion is not usual for you then maybe you should see your doctor and make sure there isn't a physical cause for it like some kind of underlying medical issue. If it's all psychological perhaps an anti depressant would help you get back to normal. Sounds like if you felt more energetic then you might be able to invest enough in a friendship to make progress with it. Also it's going to be hard to keep up at Uni if you are so tired all the time. But also try what Misery has suggested about drinking a lot more water- not going to hurt you and maybe it'll help you in the way it helped him. He's right that dehydration is something most people aren't aware they have.

 

[SusanLR]

I wish I could be happy being alone, but I'm really not.

I've always felt the same with making friends and wondered if there was a way to feel good alone.
I'm not comfortable with friends and going out doing things with them, yet I get tired of feeling lonely.
I call it the Aspie conundrum.
The only people I was happily at ease with was my family too.
But, now they are gone, so I feel totally alone.
No answer for that one.

I have been told by doctors to drink a lot of water also.
I have fibromyalgia and that means a lot of achey muscles and fatigue.
Also that lack of enthusiasm emotionally.
One reason the water is so important is it also helps flush out the lymphs.
I get deep tissue massages and lymph massage all the time. Always drink a lot of water.

 

[tducey]

It's good to have someone to go to about stuff. I have a strong support group which helps me a lot.

 

[Captain]

Thanks for all the advice guys.
Water solves all problems ^-^

 

[Drakkonwing89]

Hiya
I've spent the last few years stumbling about in a kind of exhausted stupor; finally got my diagnosis a year ago. I always thought it was my fault for not having friends, because I barely got out of the house. Now I've started uni; and I've been making a conscious effort to socialize. Joined a number of societies and went to them religiously. Jumped at any social event. While there are people I regularly interact with now (which is very nice), I cannot get emotionally close with any of them. Conversations are always stilted and awkward, especially if they are 1-to-1. Most people bond about things they are passionate about; which should be one of my strong suits as someone with autism; but I cannot get excited about anything; and I tend to lack the energy to pursue any of my hobbies. I don't seem to have any enthusiasm left in me.
I've started to resign myself to the fact that I'll never have friends. I wish I could be happy being alone, but I'm really not.

I used to have friends online, but I don't even have those anymore. I'm too exhausted most of the time to carry any sort of conversation. I feel completely and utterly isolated. I've started to hate myself; and lost any sense of self worth (which are both quite novel feelings for me, probably because I always assumed there was something 'wrong' with other people rather than with me). I feel like such garbage. And there doesn't seem anything I can do about it.

I'm sorry; this is a bit of a rant. Do any of you struggle making friends? Is there anything you can do get comfortable with loneliness? And can you get anything done when you are so de-energized and exhausted all the time?

I still have my family, anyway; so at least there are people out there who love me

I've had friends come and go in my life, but the lack of knowing how to socialize properly to keep them around for a long time is what hinders me. If I don't have something in common with a person, then it's not even worth being acquaintances.

My main obsession became my best friend, it's always there and I never have to worry about it deciding to leave me, still though that being said, I do wish I had another person with the same interest to talk with about it or play games related to it.

I don't suffer a burnout with my interest, for some reason it stays fresh like I just picked it up and the fact that I've been immersed in it since I was four years old doesn't weigh negatively on me.

I always thought that I was the problem in friendships though, too biased and unwilling to try other things, but with the way my mind works, devoting time to something aside from my primary interest is prime to cause meltdowns and mental struggles.

I don't need to change for anyone, either they like me as I am or they can push on as far as I'm concerned.

If you need someone to vent/talk to in the future, my ear is open to you.

This is something I've been repeating alot, and it's going to sound really strange, but....

....Drink more water. Like, ALOT of water.

I mention this because of you talking about how you feel sluggish or out of energy, or out of enthusiasm. I've been through all of that, all at the same time. Due to what was almost a medical incident, I discovered the effects of dehydration, and the fact that most people dont realize that they even are deydrated. It turns out, not having enough water has ALOT of side effects. And one of those is screwing with your mood/enthusiasm/everything.

I got myself a big thermos thing and now drink from that pretty much constantly. I no longer experience that odd exhaustion or lack of energy/enthusiasm. The only thing I lack now is patience... no amount of water will give me THAT. Though, it takes a couple of weeks for your body to get used to suddenly having proper amounts of water. It's not the sort of solution where you'll have almost a glass of it and go "WOW I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER". It takes a couple of weeks to work, and it's only going to work if you drink enough of it.

And no, soda doesnt count. I tried that.

Really though, I'm making this as a serious suggestion. Drink water. So much. It could have way more of an effect on your life than you'd think. The effects of dehydration are much stronger than most people realize, yet it's so very, very easy to not even know it.


Aside from that.... well, while that can help with the whole enthusiasm/mood/energy issue, there aint much in the way of advice I can give for just making friends. I mean, you could meet people on here, we all try not to bite, but meeting people in-person.... yeah, no idea. I'm the sort that really only converses online. Offline, I keep to myself. Got my dog anyway.

So water, lots of water. To be honest I've heard that but its a struggle to drink enough, not that I'm trying to complain. Biting the bullet, it feels like it should be easy but it feels like I'm trying to fly against gravity. But yeah.....I know how it is being lonely. I feel that way so much its driving me INSANE!

And I will give it a shot, the water thing. Just maybe this will help with my weight issue too, and eventually I'll have the confidence to read that stupid drivers manual XD

Joking aside I'm seriously giving it a shot. Maybe changing things up instead of letting the parents do all that is at least a start in the right direction. I'll give it a go, much more water for me!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im gonna make myself doing it.

And I hear ya on the online stuff. Online is easy because no effort, but its not so easy to keep it up without being looked down on by folks who think "Why is he wasting so much time online? He needs real friends." I swear mom is always beating my head with that logic. I HAVE REAL FRIENDS MOM, ITS NOT MY FAULT THEY WON'T GIVE ME MORE CONTACT INFO THAN DISCORD! Maybe in your world everyone always texted but I'm finding that most these days don't text and call so much anymore. Its like she and dad believe that no phone numbers, not real friends. Am I wrong for thinking thats crazy?

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I made a bunch of Christian friends at Church. They completely understand and support my Asperger's especially Justin and his wife which I am in a small life group. I also go to some events which make me tired. Going to Church however is a tiresome challenge sometimes having to socialize but I work through it.