Friends. Have you wanted them or just didn't care?

[SusanLR]

Social skills and having friends is one of the most common threads that Aspies share.
I could count the number of people I considered a friend on one hand.
My question that I would like to know from others here is looking back over your life, did you want friends but have difficulty finding and keeping them due to the lack of social skills and quirky traits or did you just not have a desire for friends and social interaction with peers growing up and happy enough without it?

I grew up the second part of that question.
Firstly I had no siblings or family that I lived with from the start except for my parents and one grandmother. I had one neighbor kid, a year younger than myself, until the age of five.
Our parents were always trying to get us to play together, but, for myself I never really enjoyed her company. We moved across country when I was five and then it was time for school. Seperation anxiety from my Mom was horrible the first few days. My first teacher didn't want to put up with me and transferred me to a younger teacher. We didn't have special needs schools then, especially in a small town. My only friend was a boy two years older than me who was the son of friends of my parents. We played the more boyish stuff like cowboys and Indians, explorers, riding our bikes and playing with the family dogs. He helped me with learning to read too.
Then we moved over 100 miles to a city where I lived, went to school, (home studied high school) and finally college. I had obsessive hobbies and many pets, but, no friends.
I went to a few school invitations from other girls and was miserable with their dolls and tea parties. I was tomboyish and loved to fish, walk in the woods and read. Wanted to learn everything I could and contemplated life philosophy.
Same in work. I studied medicine, psychology and a few fun things like art and acting while in college and became a pharmacist for a wholesale company. Other odd jobs too. But, I had my own room to work in mainly to myself or made deliveries in my own vehicle.
I didn't date until I was 23 and none lasted very long except for two.
My Mom was my best and really only friend. As long as I could live in this way I wanted, I didn't feel lonely. It seemed I just couldn't bond with others and did dread the day I would be without my parents feeling alone in a world of people.
I am there now. So I chose to live with one older man who wanted to not be alone due to health issues and I didn't want to be alone for the same reasons, plus lack of money, and I'd never lived alone. We have a platonic relationship but he is controlling and I have little time to myself. I still don't have the urge for friends, but, would rather have the opportunity to be alone (which would be almost impossible). I would like to know how I would feel on my own at least for a while in this lifetime.
I can enjoy being somewhat social with certain people and on-line like here where others may share what I feel and I learn from you too.
Understanding how others with HFA felt about friendships I'm sure will vary. It would help me understand how/why I grew up as I did.

 

[Jet Weiss]

I wanted friends and just have trouble making friends and keeping them. I am happiest when alone, though occasionally I do need human companionship. I prefer being one-on-one with a specific person to being in a group.

 

[Momo]

I don't feel the need to have many friends, I prefer to have very few close ones if any at all and seem to go through periods of having none. It doesn't bother me much though.

 

[OlLiE]

it took me a long time to start asking the right questions (for me anyway):
- why do i want friends, is it an honest need or is it a need that results from seeing everyone else have friends except me, making me feel like the odd one out
- do i actually want friends out of interest in other people, or as simple affirmation that other people like me
- isn't a (very) small group of friends that i feel comfortable sharing with better than having a lot of friends

i am capable of faking normality, but i have then often realised that ok, i had friends, but while they considered me a friend, i actually had no reciprocal feelings, oddly when i think of what makes a friend its: loyal, trustworthy, reliable, understanding, shared interests...its a bit of list of desired traits, rather than actually feeling emotionally involved with that person - i seem to be looking for compatibility rather than emotional friendship

at the end of the day, everyone just wants to be happy, do it on your own terms, never let perceived 'normality' dictate what you should be doing, you will likely just wear yourself out, there is nothing wrong with enjoying living in your head rather than living amongst a group of people

i think it is easier to live alone and chose the social interactions, i assume being alone with lots of friends is harder, regrettably friends expect you to interact with them on a regular basis

 

[xudo]

As a teenager, I wanted friends because that's what you're supposed to do. Now though, I really don't care. I have a few friends, some I see regularly and others I don't see often at all and I'm happy with that.

 

[Suzanne]

I acknowleged that I could not make friends. I took note how my two year younger sister was and wondered how she was able to make friends at the click of a finger, but it was never: Oh I wish I could be like that; it was a sort of acceptance that I was weird and she wasn't or there is something very wrong with me.

It was only growing up, that I started to want friendship and had the notion that it would happen and it never did and in fact, I was in my early 40's when I had my first best friend and it took sometime to accept she was my best friend. Sadly, no longer is.

I have gone back to the early me and shrug my shoulders now, with the idea of friendship. I have learned that it is better to have one good friend, than a lot of false friends; I happen to have neither in the fullest sense, but I am ok with that now.

I am the happiest on my own, because I do not have to live up to anything. And each time I desire to not be on my own I find that it is too harrowing for my heart, to try and interact with others and glad to be on my own again.

I hear constantly others talking about their friendships and do still wonder what is wrong with me, that I appear to not be friendship material? But it only goes as far as that ie questioning, rather than a desire to want a friend, because in truth, I have very little energy to invest in making friends.

 

[Grafum]

There were lots of times I wished I had a friend to hike, bike, or kayak with but in reality I doubt that I would have if given the opportunity. In my mind I think of all the fun I could have if I could just find someone like me. But again in reality probably not. I have finally found someone to backpack with and rarely ask him to go. Instead I go alone most of the time

 

[Bolletje]

I have more friends now than I know what to do with. Not sure why I attract people the way I do. I love having people to talk to when I feel like it, but I don't like having to turn them down all the time when they want to hang out and I just want to be alone.

 

[SusanLR]

i seem to be looking for compatibility rather than emotional friendship

at the end of the day, everyone just wants to be happy, do it on your own terms, never let perceived 'normality' dictate what you should be doing

This is how I feel too. Compatibility is what I look for.
And a firm believer in not letting others dictate what you should be doing because they call it normal.

 

[fairy_girl]

I did want friends when I was growing up but when I had them in high school they were always wanting to create drama and that annoyed me. I can always keep them interested in me but it's keeping them that is a little harder. Mostly all I wanted was a friend who would do things with me but they didn't want to for one reason or another.

 

[Gracey]

I think I thought I was lacking in some way by not having friends when thee social norm appears to be that people must have friends.
(All pre Aspie lightbulb moment)

The thing is, it was only that social expectation that prompted me to seek out friendship (with some disastrous results) ordinarily, I could be quite content by myself.

Now, it doesn't seem to matter one way or the other. I tend to speak when I'm spoken to.
I also don't appear to have that built in radar or spidey-sense that lets me know I'm supposed to have an opinion or choose who I speak to and who I don't.

About 10 or so years ago, someone local to where I live sought me out because of my quirkiness (she said) as we spent more time together it transpired she had 14 separate personalities, most of which introduced themselves at some point.
It never occurred to me to be bothered. I was completely amazed and somewhat baffled and wanted to know more. She saw this as acceptance of her condition when in reality I never reacted to anything they did or said because I didn't know I was supposed to. It just was.

I appear to be missing the filter or the download/App that lets me know my boundaries or my place or what I'm supposed to do.
I think I can say something similar for friendships. I could say I don't care and that wouldn't be too far from the truth. I don't feel a great urge to have girlfriends. If they're there, they're there. If someone wants to ask me questions and talk to me I'll answer or listen.