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Friend troubles.

Discussion in 'Help and Support' started by Moshi Moshi ^w^, Apr 6, 2021.

  1. Moshi Moshi ^w^

    Moshi Moshi ^w^ Sushi Thief V.I.P Member

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    So recently I had a good friend come over and he has been getting very/overly comfortable at my house. I'm very verbal to people I know and choose to be friends with about my OCD triggers and such and I know I've repeatedly told this friend more than others. He came over for the long weekend and triggered me in various ways which has lead to a series of repercussions incl an extreme atopic eczema flare.

    So first off the 3 main triggers that were set off was time management/planning, empty glass bottles laying around (being messy) in my "safe space" and loud noises. The issues have been progressively getting worse as he comes here nearly every weekend. This long weekend was the worst I have ever experienced and my wife had to help me calm down and also put medication on my atopic eczema. He recently started talking to this girl via text and was constantly messaging her and seemed unaware of his actions.

    I'm not good with people and often end up chasing people away as I don't know how to communicate in a "friendly" manner (My wife says I'm extremely direct and come off insensitive).

    What I want to know is how can I communicate with my friend in a friendly manner and ask him to please be more considerate? Should my wife try talk to him instead of me? I'm very worried about losing another friend...
     
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  2. OkRad

    OkRad μῆνιν ἄειδε θεὰ Πηληϊάδεω Ἀχιλῆος οὐλομένην V.I.P Member

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    What are your goals? Is it not to come so often or to stop taking over? If it's not coming so often, that is easy. If he is too daft to see where he is overstepping, that may take some finesses which is hard. Maybe you can have your wife tell him that he has to clean up after himself ? It might be good to have her talk. Or to tell him directly, "Dude, can you keep the place neat, please?!" I hope others add stuff, too. Let us know how it goes when you decide to act :)
     
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  3. Major Tom

    Major Tom Searching for ground control... V.I.P Member

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    I can understand how you feel. My son is very messy, loud, and doesn't understand a lot of things. The good thing about a friend is that they always do eventually leave and give you peace. Imagine if it was someone who you'll have to spend the whole rest of your life with.

    I'd recommend having your wife talk to him. Or there's always the I'm busy this weekend excuse too haha.
     
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  4. Skittlebisquit

    Skittlebisquit Hope is faith rewarded in advance

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    I would start with writing, like a journal entry. Then let your wife read it, and talk about it. Then ask your friend to bring food next time
     
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  5. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    That's an age old problem and I don't really have any advice. But whatever you do, I would leave your wife out of it.
     
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  6. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Can you write down, reasons you like and value this friend? What's great about him, why you want him as a friend, examples of what you have especially enjoyed together, how he makes you feel happy, how he makes you laugh, or see the upside, or whatever.

    Then, write what's troubling you in relating to him. Look at each thing, and try to see what your part might be in this, and write that too. Like, I have been partly responsible for him leaving bottles lying about, because I haven't said what we do about bottles in my house, clearly. The right thing to do about bottles in my house, is to pick them up and put them in the kitchen recycling (or whatever). Or, we don't have loud noise or shout, it's due to my sensitive hearing. Or, we don't do or feel comfortable with lots of texting to others when we are socialising.

    That's possibly the one where you'll need more discussion with him, showing understanding of why this may be happening, in a new relationship, and being open to his comments. For example, seeing you two interact may prompt him to text her?

    Then write phrases you may say to him about what you like about him, and then about what you would like him to change. You don't have to even say he's done anything wrong, you can take responsibility for not clarifying the house customs on the issues. Take responsibility. For example, you could say, you need to know that I come out in eczema rather than risk being too blunt about anything to people who I value, so bear with me. But I realise I also don't let people know stuff.

    You could get your partner to review the material if that seems useful, and discuss what phrases sound right.
     
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  7. Moshi Moshi ^w^

    Moshi Moshi ^w^ Sushi Thief V.I.P Member

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    Thanks to all the responses. I sent him a long message this morning and managed to work things out and he apologized profusely. I definitely think I didn't communicate it well enough prior to this, and I didn't take a firm enough stance when he did upset me.

    Thanks again everyone. <3
     
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  8. Neonatal RRT

    Neonatal RRT Well-Known Member

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    I can totally relate. My wife and I have been married for 34 years. When we were in our 20's we had people over to the house frequently, we visited,...we were fairly social. In our 30's,...40's,...50's,...less and less so. Over the years, I have become less and less tolerant of other people,...and especially in my home. I am naturally a very direct person,...that whole lacking in cognitive empathy thing,...so for me to find those "soft" words and hint a person into better behavior or leaving,...not me. Lucky for me, my wife can start reading my body language,...probably the other people, as well,...and we can cut the visit short without me going off the rails. The thing is,...they rarely show up at the house again. I don't care,...but I suspect my wife does. Thankfully, she is quite social with her co-workers, friends, and family,...I think she needs it,...so I encourage her to do that.

    So, more to your question,...I don't have a good answer for you. If your type of autism is associated with a lack of cognitive empathy, you will have a very difficult time understanding your friend's perspective enough to say the correct things. In which case,...which happens to me,...you just end up digging yourself a deeper and deeper hole.

    As far as having your wife try to talk to him,...that can go well,...or be a disaster. If your friend understands your autism and OCD enough, it shouldn't be too much of an issue. If he knows, and is still willing to be your friend, then everything should be cool. If your friend doesn't understand or is even aware of your autism and OCD,...that, I would imagine, come with some extra risk.
     
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  9. Moshi Moshi ^w^

    Moshi Moshi ^w^ Sushi Thief V.I.P Member

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    Luckily he is quite aware of it so he was quite understanding why I confronted him. I tried to be less direct but my wife thinks I was still too direct. Luckily for me he understands me more than I thought he did considering we only really became good friends last year. I've known him most of his life though as our parents were friends so I guess he understands or tries to understand me better because of that.
     
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