Forgotten how to socialize

[h_tadl]

I had little trouble socializing and making friends in high school. I'm now in my 3rd year of university and I am very withdrawn, I tend to stay at home a lot. I don't go to uni much, I do almost everything online. But when I do go, I don't approach anyone, and no one approaches me. Anytime I need to do group work, I don't hang out with my group members outside of working on the assignment. I know I can't expect to make friends by continuing to be this way. It's just hard because I have no idea what to do. I'm mostly afraid I'll always be like this and life will sorta pass me by from now on, I guess. I haven't felt as low and empty as I have for the past 2-3 years and I don't see how or when things will change.

 

[watersprite]

I’m not the best person to advize you on this.

Having said that:
If you’ve ever had any intetest in an activity, besides classes, now would be the time to sorta give yourself the assignment of getting outside of your comfort zone.

 

[Gerontius]

Hello friend--

A thing I tried was starting some project and going into coffee shops & just writing. Not on a computer--but with paper & a pen. People won't come up to you often but it's still a good way to hang out. If no one talks, it was a productive day writing. If you chat with people you've made new friends. A good day all the way round.

 

[Richelle-H]

Hello and Welcome

In your introduction thread, you said that most people perceive you as a normal guy and that you were diagnosed with Asperger's at 7. That puts you ahead of the game in some ways. I did not know anything about why I was different and had so much trouble socializing until I was in my forties when I was Diagnosed with Asperger's.

This meant that I had to figure everything out on my own in college. I was forced into learning how to socialize through living in a dorm where it was normally two to a room, but I think I only had a roommate for a quarter or two. However, because there was a common room and I was addicted to TV, I was forced into minor interactions.

Through those I found a passion for the game of Bridge and made connections through that. Which gave me a key to socializing. In later years, I made connections through one of my passions which was collecting and reading books, science fiction and fantasy in particular. I frequented a small specialty bookshop specializing in speculative and fantasy fiction.

Socializing still does not come easy. I always preferred my own company and that of a few people I managed to form a lasting bond with in my early years. It all comes down to you. There are no rules to it. That said, Find something you are passionate about. Perhaps you could find a club or a social gathering that you could join. You have to put yourself out there in some way.

It never comes easy, there is always a bit of stress not knowing what to say or do in a situation. I can't recall how many parties I went to and did not interact unless someone approached. If you sit by yourself, after a time, some will approach and engage in conversation. At that point it becomes what you make of it.

SO it isn't rocket science. If you want to socialize, go to where people do that and hang out, presenting yourself as comfortably as possible. You do not say if you suffer from social anxiety, but whatever the case that seems to be holding you back, it is all your own doing. If you want and need to socialize then engage. It might be a conversation you start in a line for a movie, at a cafeteria at college, or a book signing. There are countless opportunities in the world for meeting people if you let yourself.

If you hold yourself aloof and separate then nothing will happen. You seem like an interesting person and others would likely have the same impression if you give them the chance. I did not learn that lesson until I was into my thirties. If you are confident in yourself, there will always be some that find you interesting and that is where socializing starts.

You are not alone as you might think if you find some who are passionate about or interested in the same things you are.

Not sure this is any help to you, just giving you an overview from my college days, and beyond, as an undiagnosed Aspie.

 

[Drulgren]

Oof, this hit home hard with me.

Socializing is like a foreign concept with me, even in a place like this I can hardly ever find the courage to interact.

My inbox is always open though if you ever want to attempt conversing though, mate.

If not, the biggest takeaway from this is knowing you’re not alone in how you feel, as hard as that might be to believe, trust me, I deal with that too.

 

[Owliet]

I had little trouble socializing and making friends in high school. I'm now in my 3rd year of university and I am very withdrawn, I tend to stay at home a lot. I don't go to uni much, I do almost everything online. But when I do go, I don't approach anyone, and no one approaches me. Anytime I need to do group work, I don't hang out with my group members outside of working on the assignment. I know I can't expect to make friends by continuing to be this way. It's just hard because I have no idea what to do. I'm mostly afraid I'll always be like this and life will sorta pass me by from now on, I guess. I haven't felt as low and empty as I have for the past 2-3 years and I don't see how or when things will change.

can’t give you much advice but when I was at university, it took me until my third year at university to make friendships. I’d be around for group work done during first and second year but wouldn’t interact much Outside those periods. It wasn’t like people tried But i do regret not doing more.do you have disability support from your university? If not, get it if it’s offered. Things only started to change for me when I met other ASD people at university, and then further extension other disabled students gave me Some confidence.

 

[Suzette]

Hello, I have had social anxiety my entire life. It's tough because I always feel out of place. I've been lucky the last few years though but if I were getting out there again I think I would seek out a support group for people with social anxiety. Not because I think the group could actually help my anxiety, but to meet people who were more like me and I wouldn't feel so out of place. It is easier to be friendly when you don't feel judged.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

@h_tadl Obviously, I have Asperger's myself, but am also a university instructor. So, from that perspective, some ideas to think about.

We are all aware of what this pandemic has done to many of us with all the remote learning, lockdowns, mask wearing,...all of that. This too, shall pass.

In the mean time,...and this is a suggestion,...get out on campus, talk to people,...I mean like, walk around like you own the place. Yes, it is acting,...we call it masking,...but the point being, act as if you are the nicest, most polite, welcoming person. You may be absolutely terrified inside, but go with me here. If you are bright-eyed, head up, good posture, no evidence of hesitation when it comes to social interaction, people will respond likewise,...mirror neurons.

When it comes to the classroom,...as an instructor, it's handy to know that a student is autistic,...I will put them at the front of the class and interact with them more. I don't want these students hiding in the back. I will purposely call on these students during class time,...most of my autistic students historically have been very intelligent and gave well-thought out answers. The other students notice that.

 

[h_tadl]

Oof, this hit home hard with me.

Socializing is like a foreign concept with me, even in a place like this I can hardly ever find the courage to interact.

My inbox is always open though if you ever want to attempt conversing though, mate.

If not, the biggest takeaway from this is knowing you’re not alone in how you feel, as hard as that might be to believe, trust me, I deal with that too.

It's a strange feeling right? I think most people from an outsider's perspective have a "what's the worst that could happen" attitude towards socializing and interacting with strangers. But actually doing it can be so difficult sometimes. It just feels weird to speak to someone you've never spoken to unless it's forced somehow. And thanks btw, I appreciate it!

 

[h_tadl]

Hello friend--

A thing I tried was starting some project and going into coffee shops & just writing. Not on a computer--but with paper & a pen. People won't come up to you often but it's still a good way to hang out. If no one talks, it was a productive day writing. If you chat with people you've made new friends. A good day all the way round.

Thank you, I've decided I'm gonna go out to campus more often from now on, just to study in the library. Chances of meeting people are higher there than staying at home anyways. And if not, I'll have studied at least.

 

[h_tadl]

@h_tadl Obviously, I have Asperger's myself, but am also a university instructor. So, from that perspective, some ideas to think about.

We are all aware of what this pandemic has done to many of us with all the remote learning, lockdowns, mask wearing,...all of that. This too, shall pass.

In the mean time,...and this is a suggestion,...get out on campus, talk to people,...I mean like, walk around like you own the place. Yes, it is acting,...we call it masking,...but the point being, act as if you are the nicest, most polite, welcoming person. You may be absolutely terrified inside, but go with me here. If you are bright-eyed, head up, good posture, no evidence of hesitation when it comes to social interaction, people will respond likewise,...mirror neurons.

When it comes to the classroom,...as an instructor, it's handy to know that a student is autistic,...I will put them at the front of the class and interact with them more. I don't want these students hiding in the back. I will purposely call on these students during class time,...most of my autistic students historically have been very intelligent and gave well-thought out answers. The other students notice that.

Thank you, I appreciate your advice. Universities being closed and not going to campus anymore has made getting out of my comfort zone much harder. I would stay home pretty much all day and not do anything fun or interesting with my life. Over the long term, this has started to become really draining for me. I wake up late and have very little energy, it became like a vicious cycle. So I think, as you said the best thing to do is to get out there more and make it a habit again (as it should be). Over time interacting with people will hopefully become easier as well.

 

[h_tadl]

Hello and Welcome

In your introduction thread, you said that most people perceive you as a normal guy and that you were diagnosed with Asperger's at 7. That puts you ahead of the game in some ways. I did not know anything about why I was different and had so much trouble socializing until I was in my forties when I was Diagnosed with Asperger's.

This meant that I had to figure everything out on my own in college. I was forced into learning how to socialize through living in a dorm where it was normally two to a room, but I think I only had a roommate for a quarter or two. However, because there was a common room and I was addicted to TV, I was forced into minor interactions.

Through those I found a passion for the game of Bridge and made connections through that. Which gave me a key to socializing. In later years, I made connections through one of my passions which was collecting and reading books, science fiction and fantasy in particular. I frequented a small specialty bookshop specializing in speculative and fantasy fiction.

Socializing still does not come easy. I always preferred my own company and that of a few people I managed to form a lasting bond with in my early years. It all comes down to you. There are no rules to it. That said, Find something you are passionate about. Perhaps you could find a club or a social gathering that you could join. You have to put yourself out there in some way.

It never comes easy, there is always a bit of stress not knowing what to say or do in a situation. I can't recall how many parties I went to and did not interact unless someone approached. If you sit by yourself, after a time, some will approach and engage in conversation. At that point it becomes what you make of it.

SO it isn't rocket science. If you want to socialize, go to where people do that and hang out, presenting yourself as comfortably as possible. You do not say if you suffer from social anxiety, but whatever the case that seems to be holding you back, it is all your own doing. If you want and need to socialize then engage. It might be a conversation you start in a line for a movie, at a cafeteria at college, or a book signing. There are countless opportunities in the world for meeting people if you let yourself.

If you hold yourself aloof and separate then nothing will happen. You seem like an interesting person and others would likely have the same impression if you give them the chance. I did not learn that lesson until I was into my thirties. If you are confident in yourself, there will always be some that find you interesting and that is where socializing starts.

You are not alone as you might think if you find some who are passionate about or interested in the same things you are.

Not sure this is any help to you, just giving you an overview from my college days, and beyond, as an undiagnosed Aspie.

Thank you for your message, it does help and I appreciate it! I realize I'm lucky that I got my diagnosis and got help so early. It definitely made socializing in high school much easier. I realize socializing is a skill in some ways, and not interacting with people for long periods at a time will make it harder. So I guess, like you say, I have to put myself out there more often. There are things I enjoy doing, like football, running, video games. I'll go to university more often now that that's possible again, and maybe see if I can join groups that match my interests. I think I might have some form of social anxiety, I do feel held back often, in a group of strangers I prefer to keep to myself and stay in my comfort zone. I just hope other people aren't the same way and wait it out. But I have to at least give myself the opportunity to meet people.