For the single men in this forum.

[BoltzmannBrain17]

You're not single because you're shy, on the spectrum, or have a bad personality. You aren't a defective human being and there's nothing wrong with your character. Ultimately, and I know this is a hard pill to swallow, you're single because of your appearance. Social media and the innate tendencies women have towards hypergamy have converged to create a dating market where the top 5-10% of men get most of the women and most of the sex. "Self improvement" will not make you more attractive unless said self improvement is oriented towards improving your facial features and overall physical attractiveness. The cold hard truth is that most of us will remain sexless and never date. It's nobodies fault. It's just the way it is. It's best to accept it and move on entirely from dating onto better things.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

I must dissent. I've gone on dates with people who modeled, and I look like Harry Potter. With a crappier haircut.

 

[Sasha22]

You're not single because you're shy, on the spectrum, or have a bad personality. You aren't a defective human being and there's nothing wrong with your character. Ultimately, and I know this is a hard pill to swallow, you're single because of your appearance. Social media and the innate tendencies women have towards hypergamy have converged to create a dating market where the top 5-10% of men get most of the women and most of the sex. "Self improvement" will not make you more attractive unless said self improvement is oriented towards improving your facial features and overall physical attractiveness. The cold hard truth is that most of us will remain sexless and never date. It's nobodies fault. It's just the way it is. It's best to accept it and move on entirely from dating onto better things.

I'm sorry but I have to disagree - I've been extremely attracted to men whom I initially didn't find physically attractive, because I got to know them and there was something about them that made them redefine what "physically attractive" meant to me. I'm generally not focused on looks but rather on how interesting the person appears to me. Fit is good, because fit can't really be lazy - but that can be compensated too.

 

[Aspychata]

This sounds so sad. Many woman are not chosen by men because they aren't 10's or even 6's. Or they have a horrible voice, or a crappy personality, so looks don't even matter. Beautiful woman are only considered notches on guys bedroom post, and not respected for much else. So l hope that this perspective evens the playing field.

I think men should focus on a look, change out your haircut, ask a sales clerk to offer ideas on your body type for clothes. Maybe some cool glasses. My good friend would wear these really streamline glasses that made him ooze attraction, but then he laserx his eyes, and doesn't wear them. I still think about him in those glasses, sharp looking. Lol

 

[Aspychata]

@Mr. Stevens

Thought Harry Potter was attractive in a preppie way. My flame which can't commit, l always think of him in preppie clothes, British Uni look. Lol

 

[Mr. Stevens]

@Mr. Stevens

Thought Harry Potter was attractive in a preppie way. My flame which can't commit, l always think of him in preppie clothes, British Uni look. Lol

I wouldn't say I look like Daniel Radcliffe. I have been told I have a very British face, though. Just your average dork

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Specifically within the context of the typical dating app culture, this is likely true. When given a choice of several men to look at and compare, it makes perfect sense that the women on those sites can be “picky”. It was that way before dating apps, to an extent, as well. Us old farts back in the day were forced to walk up to women and present ourselves, for better or worse, and take our chances with rejection face-to-face. At least we had a slim chance of being charismatic or offer her something besides our stunning good looks. (Sarcasm) My wife found me when I wasn’t even looking, for Pete’s Sake! Nowadays, it’s a quick swipe of the finger on a screen. I don’t think I would have faired well on a dating app, that’s for sure.

 

[Rodafina]

You're not single because you're shy, on the spectrum, or have a bad personality. You aren't a defective human being and there's nothing wrong with your character. Ultimately, and I know this is a hard pill to swallow, you're single because of your appearance. Social media and the innate tendencies women have towards hypergamy have converged to create a dating market where the top 5-10% of men get most of the women and most of the sex. "Self improvement" will not make you more attractive unless said self improvement is oriented towards improving your facial features and overall physical attractiveness. The cold hard truth is that most of us will remain sexless and never date. It's nobodies fault. It's just the way it is. It's best to accept it and move on entirely from dating onto better things.

This is pretty reductive and rather opinionated without any data to support your thinking. It’s fine for you to have this opinion, but that is not actually “just the way it is,” nor is it a “cold hard truth.” Let’s recognize that this is your opinion based on your thoughts and experience in the world.

I realize many men here have struggled in finding partners, but many of the women have struggled, too. The truth is that finding someone that we mesh well with emotionally and physically is a challenge because we are each so unique.

 

[Aspychata]

Really @Rodafina is correct. I am picky about too many things, which truthfully l have no right to expect, however l know a really great guy who is ND and he has taught me many difficult things like "maturity". So my point is, we have huge expectations and then there is reality.

 

[tazz]

Hmm...

You define yourself as "Narcissistic, intelligent, physically unattractive."

Define yourself

I would personally lose the pre-apology, on aesthetic grounds, as it infers guilt , guilt of what? I don't know, but its a bad look, It's a idiosyncrasy of mine. "I would have said " I don't understand " or "no U." as brevity is a good rule of writing aesthetics. I find the aphorisms the most...

www.autismforums.com

But in this photo you don't look unattractive at all:

https://www.autismforums.com/threads/post-a-photo-of-yourself-thread-round-2.838/page-110#post-957679

When I was 19, I felt I knew some stuff about the world. But now I'm 50+ I realise I didn't actually know that much. I'm still learning now.

 

[Magna]

This is pretty reductive and rather opinionated without any data to support your thinking. It’s fine for you to have this opinion, but that is not actually “just the way it is,” nor is it a “cold hard truth.” Let’s recognize that this is your opinion based on your thoughts and experience in the world.

There's actually better and more accurate data and in greater magnitude on this than there ever has been before in relation to the online "dato-sphere". What he says is absolutely true in relation to online dating data. Perhaps a question we should all have who are interested in this is...how many women use online dating in general rather than non-online dating.

Again in relation to online dating specifically, the data is conclusive.

Not all women use online dating and for those that do, there will always be exceptions. Exceptions don't negate the rule.

 

[LadyS]

Would have to disagree there too -- not about looks... but being rich. (jk)

No but in all seriousness...not all women are superficial. Most just seek connection. Don't believe what TV/Hollywood social media pop culture says. (And even there you'd see that there are plenty of female celebs married to average or conventionally unattractive males).

I dated someone considered unattractive who had previously dated really pretty girls - even his own sister asked him why attractive girls were attracted to "such an ugly guy".

In his case it was mostly his confidence. But to be honest, the laws of attraction are just a spectrum in itself, as different as each person. There isn't a single law that pertains to everyone.

Easy answer:
It depends on what that particular person values in a partner based on their unique personality.

 

[Jordy]

Yes woman don't like unattractive man. And water is wet. But i disagree with the autism not being a contributing factor thing. Rate of male virginity is sky high for man on the autism spectrum.

 

[Rodafina]

What he says is absolutely true in relation to online dating data

Then that presents a rather surprisingly simple solution. Get away from online dating. There are very poor mental health prognoses related to its use. Perhaps, the solution here is for us to evolve beyond online dating as a society.

I believe you that there is a growing body of data because of its availability from online dating platforms. Nevertheless, this is still a very selective group of people. Those that choose to engage with online dating. It is only relevant to people who online date.

 

[Magna]

Then that presents a rather surprisingly simple solution. Get away from online dating. There are very poor mental health prognoses related to its use. Perhaps, the solution here is for us to evolve beyond online dating as a society.

I believe you that there is a growing body of data because of it available from online dating platforms. Nevertheless, this is still a very selective group of people. Those that choose to engage with online dating. It is only relevant to people who online date.

I agree with you. I think the concern is the number of people of dating age that use online dating more than any other type of dating is the majority rather than the minority.

I also wonder who uses online dating more: Women or men?

 

[Forest Cat]

I think you are generalizing. It's not like all single men on this forum are single for one and the same spesific reason. That's not possible I would say. It would be an amazing quincidence if that was true.

 

[Rodafina]

I agree with you. I think the concern is the number of people of dating age that use online dating more than any other type of dating is the majority rather than the minority.

I also wonder who uses online dating more: Women or men?

I wonder how long it will take for it to evolve. Just as it moved in as the predominant way to find a date among certain age groups very quickly, perhaps it will fade into something new just as quickly as people notice its limits.

 

[Gerontius]

I'm broke, thoroughly asexual, terribly fussy and unpleasant, drive a crappy '90s car but preferably travel on a rusted-out old bicycle, am still in college, was 24 before I kissed a girl (actually she kissed me first), am far from being rich, am fairly ignorant of pop culture, dress like an Edwardian scarecrow, and have the body of a Dachau escapee--with a permanent case of RBF. Oh, and my skin has weird scaley patches.

And I am in love with a very affectionate young lady, whom I love deeply, & we both intend to be married when we get a chance, a clergyman, and an apartment. We met online, actually--it took me about 30 minutes of looking.

Every "incel" I've ever encountered has one thing in common, and it's the personality. I am probably not a very fun person, but there's a difference between being kind or charitable, and being a "Nice Guy." If you are kind to people expecting nothing in return, you're going to be independent enough to where it doesn't matter what anyone thinks of you. If men are kind to women expecting sex in return, well, of course y'all are out here on your own, and that's where you're going to stay. That's really an unattractive trait.

I think incels are unable to find a girlfriend because they aren't looking for a real live girlfriend, but for the mythical "Therapeutic Quim of Healing" that will solve all their problems. (This does not exist.)

 

[Magna]

I wonder how long it will take for it to evolve. Just as it moved in as the predominant way to find a date among certain age groups very quickly, perhaps it will fade into something new just as quickly as people notice its limits.

I hope you're right but currently it's not looking good and even on a grander scale, not looking good for humanity in general over the long term.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

If a woman judges people mostly based on appearance, then I'm not interested in getting emotionally close to said woman. I don't care about the appearances of women, and it would be rather hypocritical of me to presume women with the same opinion as me don't exist. In truth, I know for a fact that isn't the case because a lot of women on the forum have told me so, and I see no reason to disbelieve them.

I don't deny that there is a significant number of men and women for whom looks are an important factor when it comes to dating, but "significant" is not the same as "everyone". I'm quite comfortable spending time with the other weirdos thank you very much. I don't see the point in obsessing over the opinion of people who I don't particularly care about.

I also agree with what @tazz said. I think you look quite handsome. I'm not saying this to make you feel better, it's simply what I think.