fluctuating feelings/desires - shutdowns?

[Sab]

Hi,

I’m in an aspie/aspie relationship and there’s something that’s been coming up for me and I wonder if other people here have been in a similar situation.

We’ve been seeing each other for about a year and a half and we make a great team. I think for both of us, it’s the closest we’ve ever been to someone and to feeling comfortable being ourselves around another person.

It’s my first serious relationship. I’ve dated a few people in the past but things got messy pretty fast. With my partner, it’s a lot of new situations, conversations and a lot of learning and figuring ourselves out (apart from not being neurotypical, we both have trauma from being in emotionally abusive relationships).

It happened a few times in the past where I would get really anxious that they loved me more than I do. It’s like if I get scared that my feelings aren’t enough to be in a partnership with them. I noticed that this happens usually when I’m having a lot of anxiety and I understand it as feeling «shut down» from my feelings, and then being scared that my feelings aren’t there or that they won’t come back.

This usually happens at times that are not ideal, like when they are feeling vulnerable and going through a rough time. It’s like the more I want to be available to connect (or the more I think I should), the more I tend to shut down.

This wasn’t happening for a while but started happening again. It often shifts between feeling anxious about not feeling very attracted to them to feeling really connected to my feelings for them. This brings up a lot of anxiety, especially since it’s something that we haven’t really discussed together and that I don’t want to bring up and for it to trigger their trauma.

I know I deeply love them and really picture this relationship lasting in time. I think about them often and am super invested in the relationship. I think that anxiety has to do a lot with how my feelings and desires fluctuate, but I find it hard to handle and don’t know if I should talk to them about it or not. It makes me feel like I’m not being completely honest.

When I think back, this would happen a lot in friendships too, being unsure if I love people or not and freaking out about it, or my feelings changing drastically from one day to the other. I really don’t want this relationship to end, or even change. I love every part of it and am really committed to it. I’m just really having a hard time handling my own fluctuating feelings (or connection to them) and am wondering if anyone else experiences these types of emotional shutdowns.

Thanks in advance for the advice and insight.

Sab

 

[Shamar]

First, let me congratulate you on having a relationship at all. Just finding someone whom you understand and who understands you meas you have hit the Relationship Lottery jackpot.

I Am Not An Expert, but it seems to me that the autistic life is frequently a lonely one. We tend to have such difficulty reaching out that finding a relationship, especially a good one, can feel sort of surreal. This may be what you are feeling. You question it because it doesn't seem real, especially in light of your both having had bad relationships in the past. Your love will either work out or not work out; I'm hoping it works for you because it gives hope to me. Either way, enjoy it while you can.

The foregoing comments are based on my own experiences, traumas, and desires, and may not reflect reality.

 

[BraidedPony]

I think it’s normal to have feels of closeness fluctuate, especially after emotional abuse.
I don’t think I would mention it because it would be hard to explain and very hard for him to understand.
As you learn to accept the feelings as something that will come and go, you will be less anxious and have longer times of closeness.
For me, feelings are tiring and I need a little break from even good feelings. I think it’s normal and healthy. Just my opinion.

 

[Aspychata]

Hi,

I’m in an aspie/aspie relationship and there’s something that’s been coming up for me and I wonder if other people here have been in a similar situation.

We’ve been seeing each other for about a year and a half and we make a great team. I think for both of us, it’s the closest we’ve ever been to someone and to feeling comfortable being ourselves around another person.

It’s my first serious relationship. I’ve dated a few people in the past but things got messy pretty fast. With my partner, it’s a lot of new situations, conversations and a lot of learning and figuring ourselves out (apart from not being neurotypical, we both have trauma from being in emotionally abusive relationships).

It happened a few times in the past where I would get really anxious that they loved me more than I do. It’s like if I get scared that my feelings aren’t enough to be in a partnership with them. I noticed that this happens usually when I’m having a lot of anxiety and I understand it as feeling «shut down» from my feelings, and then being scared that my feelings aren’t there or that they won’t come back.

This usually happens at times that are not ideal, like when they are feeling vulnerable and going through a rough time. It’s like the more I want to be available to connect (or the more I think I should), the more I tend to shut down.

This wasn’t happening for a while but started happening again. It often shifts between feeling anxious about not feeling very attracted to them to feeling really connected to my feelings for them. This brings up a lot of anxiety, especially since it’s something that we haven’t really discussed together and that I don’t want to bring up and for it to trigger their trauma.

I know I deeply love them and really picture this relationship lasting in time. I think about them often and am super invested in the relationship. I think that anxiety has to do a lot with how my feelings and desires fluctuate, but I find it hard to handle and don’t know if I should talk to them about it or not. It makes me feel like I’m not being completely honest.

When I think back, this would happen a lot in friendships too, being unsure if I love people or not and freaking out about it, or my feelings changing drastically from one day to the other. I really don’t want this relationship to end, or even change. I love every part of it and am really committed to it. I’m just really having a hard time handling my own fluctuating feelings (or connection to them) and am wondering if anyone else experiences these types of emotional shutdowns.

Thanks in advance for the advice and insight.

Sab

Think this is very honest of you. True relationships go through attraction and desire , and fluctuate from what l understand. To constantly be attracted would be more of a obsessive thing. To build up that attraction, it is suggested that u do activities together to build the bond. Sharing in experiences creates desire and interest and closeness. Relationships go through stages, it's normal. It really gets down to, is this a person you like to hang out with, do you smile, do you laugh, do you want leave your comfort zone and try new things with them?

 

[Clueless in Canada]

There is no wrong way to be in a relationship as long as the people involved are compatible enough to be meeting each other's needs. Some of what you describe sounds similar to my own situation so I will tell you first of all you are not alone and you are not broken or unable to be in a relationship. There is no point in comparing who loves who more or do you love the person as much today as yesterday. That's a crazy mind game. Think about whether or not you love the person with as much love as you have in you to give. Accept that some days you will feel and demonstrate more love than others but look at the big picture. Consider making each other aware if you aren't already, about the ways you show love because sometimes we expect it in one form and don't see we are being given it or are giving it in another. When you talk about attraction I am assuming you mean physical/sexual. That's a tricky one and it is possible you are not someone with a high sex drive or who is actually much inclined towards feeling physical attraction. Again, it only matters if you are offering what your partner wants and needs and vice versa. The amount of physical intimacy and the type of intimacy only matters in that the people involved should be comfortable with what they give and get. It is also perfectly fine to want time alone and to be content alone. You can love a person and still be perfectly fine without them. The important issues are being compatible and being able to communicated and understand each other. The latter can take some effort but if you are in a good relationship where there is trust and understanding it is possible.

 

[Sab]

First, let me congratulate you on having a relationship at all. Just finding someone whom you understand and who understands you meas you have hit the Relationship Lottery jackpot.

I Am Not An Expert, but it seems to me that the autistic life is frequently a lonely one. We tend to have such difficulty reaching out that finding a relationship, especially a good one, can feel sort of surreal. This may be what you are feeling. You question it because it doesn't seem real, especially in light of your both having had bad relationships in the past. Your love will either work out or not work out; I'm hoping it works for you because it gives hope to me. Either way, enjoy it while you can.

The foregoing comments are based on my own experiences, traumas, and desires, and may not reflect reality.

Thanks Shamar. I feel really grateful for this relationship and definitely feel like part of today’s freak-out (I feel calmer now) are fears of losing that relationship, and for it to be my fault (which sort of fed the anxieties). And I think that comes from past experiences and trauma.

 

[Sab]

I think it’s normal to have feels of closeness fluctuate, especially after emotional abuse.
I don’t think I would mention it because it would be hard to explain and very hard for him to understand.
As you learn to accept the feelings as something that will come and go, you will be less anxious and have longer times of closeness.
For me, feelings are tiring and I need a little break from even good feelings. I think it’s normal and healthy. Just my opinion.

Yeah, I noticed feeling calmer in the past bit, like those feelings were easier to handle and it made it easier to sink into the relationship. I got caught by surprise today and really freaked out about it. It’s as if I was having a hard time legitimizing my feelings and just accepting that they are not always the same (which is the case always in any type of relationship and don’t always have to do with the relationship but outside factors of stress and just, life). Thanks for sharing.

 

[Sab]

Think this is very honest of you. True relationships go through attraction and desire , and fluctuate from what l understand. To constantly be attracted would be more of a obsessive thing. To build up that attraction, it is suggested that u do activities together to build the bond. Sharing in experiences creates desire and interest and closeness. Relationahips go through stages, it's normal. It really gets down to, is this a person you like to hang out with, do you smile, do you laugh, do you want leave your comfort zone and try new things with them?

Hi Aspychata. Thanks for your comment. Yes, I definitely feel that way about them. I think with time, my brain will get used to being in an intimate relationship and it will be easier to ride the waves of feelings without being overwhelmed.

 

[Sab]

There is no wrong way to be in a relationship as long as the people involved are compatible enough to be meeting each other's needs. Some of what you describe sounds similar to my own situation so I will tell you first of all you are not alone and you are not broken or unable to be in a relationship. There is no point in comparing who loves who more or do you love the person as much today as yesterday. That's a crazy mind game. Think about whether or not you love the person with as much love as you have in you to give. Accept that some days you will feel and demonstrate more love than others but look at the big picture. Consider making each other aware if you aren't already, about the ways you show love because sometimes we expect it in one form and don't see we are being given it or are giving it in another. When you talk about attraction I am assuming you mean physical/sexual. That's a tricky one and it is possible you are not someone with a high sex drive or who is actually much inclined towards feeling physical attraction. Again, it only matters if you are offering what your partner wants and needs and vice versa. The amount of physical intimacy and the type of intimacy only matters in that the people involved should be comfortable with what they give and get. It is also perfectly fine to want time alone and to be content alone. You can love a person and still be perfectly fine without them. The important issues are being compatible and being able to communicated and understand each other. The latter can take some effort but if you are in a good relationship where there is trust and understanding it is possible.

Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m having a hard time integrating. «There’s no wrong way to be in a relationship». It’s like I keep comparing myself to what I «SHOULD» be feeling, and that won’t serve me. I’m not sure why I have a hard time handling the changes in feelings. I think it may have to do with a past emotionally abusive relationship and my general fear of ever hurting anybody.

We both tend to give a lot in relationships and are pretty amazed at how much care we are getting from each other. We check in a lot about how we feel in the relationship and I know we both feel really good about it.

I feel like today’s little crisis had more to do with the accumulation of stress and not enough alone time than the relationship itself -_-

Thanks for sharing. It feels good to know that I’m not alone in experiencing these anxieties.

 

[tducey]

All the best to you in this relationship. I think having different feelings is a part of being autistic.

 

[Aspychata]

Vwry

There is no wrong way to be in a relationship as long as the people involved are compatible enough to be meeting each other's needs. Some of what you describe sounds similar to my own situation so I will tell you first of all you are not alone and you are not broken or unable to be in a relationship. There is no point in comparing who loves who more or do you love the person as much today as yesterday. That's a crazy mind game. Think about whether or not you love the person with as much love as you have in you to give. Accept that some days you will feel and demonstrate more love than others but look at the big picture. Consider making each other aware if you aren't already, about the ways you show love because sometimes we expect it in one form and don't see we are being given it or are giving it in another. When you talk about attraction I am assuming you mean physical/sexual. That's a tricky one and it is possible you are not someone with a high sex drive or who is actually much inclined towards feeling physical attraction. Again, it only matters if you are offering what your partner wants and needs and vice versa. The amount of physical intimacy and the type of intimacy only matters in that the people involved should be comfortable with what they give and get. It is also perfectly fine to want time alone and to be content alone. You can love a person and still be perfectly fine without them. The important issues are being compatible and being able to communicated and understand each other. The latter can take some effort but if you are in a good relationship where there is trust and understanding it is possible.

Very eloquent, l do say.

 

[Clueless in Canada]

Vwry

Very eloquent, l do say.

Thank you. It's experience speaking.