Flirting vs. joking around/being nice

[mw2530]

I've always had trouble picking up on ques as to if a girl is flirting or just being friendly. This girl I work with has commented on my beard, asked if I was married, stolen my pen, asked if I had OCD based on something I did (not in a mean way, I wasn't offended), said maybe I wasn't married b/c I was too picky (again not in a mean way), and we have joked around quite a bit. She is pretty outgoing so I sometimes get that confused with being flirty. Obviously all these things have occurred over a period of time.

 

[Kelsey4vril]

Hmm, I see why you’re wondering. Of course it’s very plausible that she’s just being friendly, for a lot of outgoing people this is just how they communicate with people they like, as you said. At the same time, I know that for me my friendliness is not always super different from flirting - the difference is mainly in intent. However, the things you’ve described - complimenting your beard, asking if you’re married and also maybe implying that you’re a desireable person to marry, stealing your pen and joking around with you... these are all clear indicators that she likes your company and is trying to make a connection with you. If you like the idea that it could be flirting, maybe ask her out to do something that is not necessarily romantic, but something you might both enjoy. Then when you’re out together, you could bring up that you really like her as a person and enjoy her company (if you do), and that if she’s not looking for a relationship you’d still like to keep doing fun things together, but if she’s also attracted to you maybe she’d like to go to dinner sometime? (Or some other more obviously romantic setting)

 

[Fino]

I do the opposite, sort of, and never consider that someone is flirting! People have done it for months then eventually told me out of exasperation! I've had people molest/assault/something and I'm still wondering what it means!

But anyway, the way you describe it does sound a tad flirty but I think it's impossible for anyone here to know because it'd have to be seen. It involves the maddening number of factors involved in social interaction, most of them being visual.

 

[SusanLR]

I never think of someone joking around with me or being exceptionally friendly as flirting.
If it is someone I feel a connection with, I might hope it is flirting and wonder if they really do
feel intentions toward me, but, I just don't know how to read them.
If they don't have any of those feelings for me, I'm always afraid I'll scare them away if I flirt with them and I don't want that to happen if I enjoy their company.
I just can't know what they feel or want until they make an obvious move like asking me out to dinner
or sending roses with a romantic card. Got to be obvious.

 

[Kelsey4vril]

I’ve had people molest/assault/something and I'm still wondering what it means!

I’m so sorry that happened to you.

I also agree with you that everything that’s been described to us is already coloured by @mw2530 ’s perception, so any advice we can give is only based on that and not our own observations. Good point. It’s good not to let assumptions drive your expectations.

 

[Shamar]

I've always had trouble picking up on ques as to if a girl is flirting or just being friendly. This girl I work with has commented on my beard, asked if I was married, stolen my pen, asked if I had OCD based on something I did (not in a mean way, I wasn't offended), said maybe I wasn't married b/c I was too picky (again not in a mean way), and we have joked around quite a bit. She is pretty outgoing so I sometimes get that confused with being flirty. Obviously all these things have occurred over a period of time.

Sorry, I'm not someone who can help with this, because I have the same problem. Flirting, joking around, being nice, coming on to me, are all the same. Mainly I haven't got a clue and don't even know it is happening. One time at a party, a girl sat on my lap and proceeded to try and suck my teeth out. That one time I concluded she was coming on to me. Another time I walked a girl home after a party, and when we got to her door, she invited me in for coffee. I didn't want coffee and said goodnight. She got real pissed off at me and never spoke to me again. It was only the next day I figured out that coffee was not what was being offered.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you are not the only one with this problem.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

Impossible for us to guess for the reasons others have mentioned above, but other things to use as cues for flirting: Did her behavior change after finding out you are married? Is there a lot of casual touching and intense eye contact? Does she lean into your space more than is normal?

 

[Tom]

Assuming you are both single, if you aren't interested I would just leave it as is. If you are interested, then if you want to find out now you have to broach the subject somehow or take the next step, like ask her out. There is no way to find out in advance, unless you believe in clairvoyance and pay a psychic. Once you bring the subject up with her, you have to be prepared of course for both possible outcomes.

I'd query the cosmos for you (at very reasonable rates) but my crystal ball is in the shop for scheduled maintenance.

 

[paloftoon]

Since you aren't sure, and I'm guessing you are interested since it's caught your attention and you're creating the thread to ask about it on here , then I would just find a time in-person 1-1 to ask her directly if she's been trying to flirt with you or if that's just her way of being social with you. If she gives any answer that is not a direct or meaning a direct "yes", then it means "no, she is only being social."

If she says "no" and meant to say "yes" or changes her mind, then it's up to her to say that. If that scenario actually did happen (usually it doesn't), then it would your choice at that point. In the mean time, if you don't get a "yes", then just keep looking around for "other fish in the sea."

 

[Hondamoto04]

I never think of someone joking around with me or being exceptionally friendly as flirting.
If it is someone I feel a connection with, I might hope it is flirting and wonder if they really do
feel intentions toward me, but, I just don't know how to read them.
If they don't have any of those feelings for me, I'm always afraid I'll scare them away if I flirt with them and I don't want that to happen if I enjoy their company.
I just can't know what they feel or want until they make an obvious move like asking me out to dinner
or sending roses with a romantic card. Got to be obvious.

An even on the absolute obvious I will self sabotage and think of every way that it's not! :/

 

[Aspychata]

l have been funny and social and it is taken the wrong way, so now l shut-down that. It feels like guys assume every single older female must be looking, it's not true.

 

[paloftoon]

I recommend only being flirty/social with people you already know if you're not sure how or in what context. Even if they do take it the wrong way, they should know you enough that it should be easier to make up. If they ask you to stop (because maybe you don't know how to exert yourself properly) and you keep going, then you'd be being an a-hole.

 

[tlc]

An even on the absolute obvious I will self sabotage and think of every way that it's not! :/

Same here, I have to wonder what's the catch?

When we go to a restaurant or whatever, my dad often says people are flirting with me. I don't see it. I see it as them doing their job, trying to make me have a good experience, and hoping for a good tip too.

 

[Aidan49]

I dislike flirting. I much prefer honesty.

 

[Hondamoto04]

Same here, I have to wonder what's the catch?

When we go to a restaurant or whatever, my dad often says people are flirting with me. I don't see it. I see it as them doing their job, trying to make me have a good experience, and hoping for a good tip too.

Exactly an nothing more.....

 

[paloftoon]

I dislike flirting. I much prefer honesty.

I like it if it's honest and if I am into that person too, because then it means the person is into you sexually.