flirting/dating instructions for aspies

[JackJack]

Hello I'm an aspie in his twenties and I want to start to search for a female partner. Do you know a good website with flirting/dating instructions specifically for aspies?

 

[Rudy Schmidt]

If this doesn't already exist, it'd be a fantastic idea.

I don't personally know any websites like this, but I can definitely try and offer some home brew advice/support. It'd depend in which ways you had trouble, socially, I guess.

Interestingly, when I now try to offer something, I realise my own weaknesses, namely that I have no idea if this is a good idea or not. :/ As someone who values honesty, my advice (with regards to asking someone out, not general flirting) would be to immediately address the elephant in the room by saying something like "I'm a little nervous, so sorry if I come across awkwardly" - but now I'm wondering if that's refreshing honesty, or if its somehow showing a lack of backbone or confidence. :/ Any opinions on this?

 

[Ereth]

If the feeling is so overwhelming that you feel you need to address it, Rudy, then go ahead and do it. I don't think it shows a lack of spine. In fact, it's better to let things like that out instead of bottling them up, IMHO.

 

[dregj]

i only know aspie affection
its barely populated with anyone,
about 99 percent men
and the site is bugged to hell
oh dear

 

[Ste11aeres]

Unfortunately, a lot of the dating/flirting/relationship I've seen online seems pretty lousy.

 

[Rachel Roth]

If the feeling is so overwhelming that you feel you need to address it, Rudy, then go ahead and do it. I don't think it shows a lack of spine. In fact, it's better to let things like that out instead of bottling them up, IMHO.

Agreed, Ereth. I would much rather a person be honest about who they are, insecurities and all, than to try to come across all macho when they don't feel it. Many women feel dishonest 'macho'ness shows a lack of respect.

I think honesty and sincere fun is the most important. Find something you have in common, and talk. Worry first about building a friendship, then about doing more than that

~Rachel

 

[Ereth]

Many women feel dishonest 'macho'ness shows a lack of respect.

I think honesty and sincere fun is the most important. Find something you have in common, and talk. Worry first about building a friendship, then about doing more than that

That's because machismo does indicate a lack of respect. But I'll refrain from ranting about that subject here for the sake of everyone's sanity.

Yes, you're correct. Honesty and respect are the best foundations for any relationship, no matter where it may lead.

 

[IContainMultitudes]

Here's a resource that you might find helpful, JackJack:

Love, Sex and Long-Term Relationships: What People with Asperger Syndrome Really Really Want | AspiesCentral.com

 

[JackJack]

OK thank you, I'm probably going to read that one.

 

[Andrew206]

I subscribed to PerfectMatch earlier this week. Unlike eHarmony, this site allows for searching of members. Icebreakers and emails can be sent.

 

[JackJack]

Is it free?

 

[dregj]

im free

 

[Andrew206]

PerfectMatch isn't free. It's over $40 a month.

 

[Randomperson]

From what I can tell, dating sites are just scams, they all want money, but I have yet to find one that actually does anything productive with that money. Seems to be far more of an electronic pimp than anything else, cause if you do not give them any money you do not get any matches or hints that anyone is even interested in you, at least in my case. I have a profile on e-harmony/okcupid/perfectmatch and that christianmingle one, not one peep from any of them as a free user, just tons of spam asking for subscriptions and no actual "matches".

 

[Vanilla]

I don't know any places like that specifically for Aspies, but perhaps you can simply ask the girls on this site for advice? Perhaps if you are specific in what you need help/ advice with, then others can try to assist.

 

[icesyckel]

@OP - I think flirting is something that really has to be learned through trial, error, and experience. Sure, you can find tips online, some of which are good and others ... not so much. However, none of what you find online is tailored to your personality. You really have to find what works for you. I recommend approaching strangers until you get the feel for something that works for you. I personally did this at an amusement park when I was a teenager - just kept practicing at trying to pick up girls I met. If they rejected me, then it was just a learning experience, and most of the girls were from out of state (or even out of county) anyway. I had a season pass, so I just kept wash, rinse, repeating. You can learn to do almost anything with a sufficient volume of practice. When you're older, an amusement park is less an option (fewer singles in your age range), but there are other options ranging from singles bars to singles groups at large churches, depending on your preferences. Shopping malls are filled with single people too.

random, I think dating sites are entitled to charge for the services they provide. I tried several when I was single. Like you, when I was a "free" member, I got what I paid for. When I was a paid member, I also got what I paid for, which was dates and opportunities. None of those sites guarantee wedded bliss, or they would all be out of business. It is basically an option to pay for introductions. You don't have to use it, and maybe it didn't work for you, but I got lots of dates out of them, especially eharmony. They work better for some people than others, though.

Just a general thought, though, is that the less flexible you are whether on dating sites or in person, the lower your chances of success. If your self-identity, fashion sense, and flirting tactics are static constants, then you are looking for someone to be attracted to something very specific who will also be attractive to you. Even in a world with billions of people (only a fraction of whom you will ever even have a chance to meet), you're limiting your odds. That's fine, but make that decision consciously.

TL;DR: To flirt well, find a large source of singles, and experiment. For me, I thought and think of clothing, my appearance, and flirting methods all as tools. Either use the right tools for the right job, or be prepared for the work to take longer and be much more difficult.

 

[Randomperson]

@OP - I think flirting is something that really has to be learned through trial, error, and experience. Sure, you can find tips online, some of which are good and others ... not so much. However, none of what you find online is tailored to your personality. You really have to find what works for you. I recommend approaching strangers until you get the feel for something that works for you. I personally did this at an amusement park when I was a teenager - just kept practicing at trying to pick up girls I met. If they rejected me, then it was just a learning experience, and most of the girls were from out of state (or even out of county) anyway. I had a season pass, so I just kept wash, rinse, repeating. You can learn to do almost anything with a sufficient volume of practice. When you're older, an amusement park is less an option (fewer singles in your age range), but there are other options ranging from singles bars to singles groups at large churches, depending on your preferences. Shopping malls are filled with single people too.

random, I think dating sites are entitled to charge for the services they provide. I tried several when I was single. Like you, when I was a "free" member, I got what I paid for. When I was a paid member, I also got what I paid for, which was dates and opportunities. None of those sites guarantee wedded bliss, or they would all be out of business. It is basically an option to pay for introductions. You don't have to use it, and maybe it didn't work for you, but I got lots of dates out of them, especially eharmony. They work better for some people than others, though.

Just a general thought, though, is that the less flexible you are whether on dating sites or in person, the lower your chances of success. If your self-identity, fashion sense, and flirting tactics are static constants, then you are looking for someone to be attracted to something very specific who will also be attractive to you. Even in a world with billions of people (only a fraction of whom you will ever even have a chance to meet), you're limiting your odds. That's fine, but make that decision consciously.

TL;DR: To flirt well, find a large source of singles, and experiment. For me, I thought and think of clothing, my appearance, and flirting methods all as tools. Either use the right tools for the right job, or be prepared for the work to take longer and be much more difficult.

Yes but the free mode shows you how uninterested everyone on the site is in you, since it should still alert you if anyone even looks at your profile, which nobody ever does, which beckons the question, why pay them when nobody looks at the profile? And at the same time if you never get any potential matches to view, how is paying the site going to generate matches?

 

[icesyckel]

Yes but the free mode shows you how uninterested everyone on the site is in you, since it should still alert you if anyone even looks at your profile, which nobody ever does, which beckons the question, why pay them when nobody looks at the profile? And at the same time if you never get any potential matches to view, how is paying the site going to generate matches?

Don't know about all sites, but with eharmony, a paid profile produced matches and dates for me. The how was less important than the results in this instance.