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Fitting In

merithra

Merithra of the Dream
Does anybody else buy things just to feel like they fit in?
for example, my friends were playing a game and I am not particularly doing well right now financially, they were having a lot of fun with it so I decided to buy it (I don't get paid fora month btw), I bought the game, we had a lot of fun for like an hour but then when everyone logged off I saw no reason to play it.

I don't even like that genre of games, I am just desperate to fit in and I find it hard to make it known I have FOMO (fear of missing out) I find myself constantly making purchases on items of things other people like, even though I don't like them - I just want to fit in, yes, this is toxic but I can't control it, I have basically nothing at the moment because of my dumb desire to want to fit in.

now I will suffer the consequences of my stupidity, as I should, I wanted to fit in and instead of opening healthy dialogue I made stupid decisions. (I'm sorry, I'm not doing well, as you can tell)
 
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Slime_Punk

Contaminating the hive mind
V.I.P Member
I'm cool with being a bit of an outcast, personally. Missing out is kind of my way of life.

I don't think you're stupid, though. Those types of things can, over time, ruin friendships - nobody likes to talk about that kind of stuff, but it's true. I just don't care if it does, because I don't really care whether I have friends or not, especially if it's over superficial junk.
 

Misery

Photo-Negative
V.I.P Member
One thing I want to emphasize here: if they're your friends, well... friends care about each other beyond just things like "what games does this person play" or stuff like this. Real friends dont require you to sit in some little perfect box that fits a given group/idea. They'll be accepting, surely. I know it's hard when the FOMO is hitting, but... try to have faith in them, and in yourself.

Honestly I'm a good example of this one. I dont fit in *whatsoever*... and once I, you know, come out, I'll fit in even less... but the people around me simply arent the type to judge me for anything like that. I dont need to fit in any box, and that's what really shows that they care, and all the more reason to value them. And I trust them, and so I show that trust by not trying to wedge into a space I dont fit in.

Does that make sense? I'm finding this concept a bit hard to explain.

One way or another, you arent stupid or anything. That fear of missing out is something that a lot of people go through. It's not easy to deal with, but you CAN break through it. Have confidence in yourself.
 

Thinx

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I never have fitted in really, except in groups of tolerant and or unusual nerdy or odd individuals. Where fitting in just means being your own weird self. That happened at secondary school after a while, and then in some of my varied jobs. I've done a lot of therapy over the years, more to understand myself than to fit in, but it was mostly useful.

Once I understood about autism I could see that a defining factor seems to be not noticing some aspects of communication, and I feel like despite the issues this can cause, it has allowed me to be less conventional and more open to ideas, to think outside the box more.

So I don't aspire to fit in, but I am lonely sometimes, especially in a workplace or environment that doesn't fit my quirks or is one size fits all in ways that exclude me. Hope you can find friends or environments that suit you better without you having to try so hard. You are fine as you are.
 

merithra

Merithra of the Dream
One thing I want to emphasize here: if they're your friends, well... friends care about each other beyond just things like "what games does this person play" or stuff like this. Real friends dont require you to sit in some little perfect box that fits a given group/idea. They'll be accepting, surely. I know it's hard when the FOMO is hitting, but... try to have faith in them, and in yourself.

Honestly I'm a good example of this one. I dont fit in *whatsoever*... and once I, you know, come out, I'll fit in even less... but the people around me simply arent the type to judge me for anything like that. I dont need to fit in any box, and that's what really shows that they care, and all the more reason to value them. And I trust them, and so I show that trust by not trying to wedge into a space I dont fit in.

Does that make sense? I'm finding this concept a bit hard to explain.

One way or another, you arent stupid or anything. That fear of missing out is something that a lot of people go through. It's not easy to deal with, but you CAN break through it. Have confidence in yourself.
this makes a lot of sense, to be honest, they're not even aware I do it, I just do it and act like I had the game the whole time - but I haven't, I have spent copious amounts of money just to fit in but my friends don't know, I don't want to tell them, I have a very hard time communicating with people and I kind of wish people knew but I can't tell people.

I also have cripplng anxiety which really hinders my communication in more ways than one so I just can't communicate normally, I find I do this to break the ice and strike up a conversation or spend time with people.

I don't usually feel like this, it is rare, but this is a common occurrence and my anxiety has been very bad today due to consumption of caffeine (it triggers anxiety for me)

thank you for believing in me, I am just in a dark place right now
 

phantom

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Some people just don't have the wiring needed to fit in and never will. and I also think that ones you pass a certain age and didn't manage to be "normal" and fit in you missed out on the boat.
 
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merithra

Merithra of the Dream
Some people just don't have the wiring needed to fit in and never will. and I also think that ones you pass a certain age and didn't manage to be "normal" and fit in you missed out on the boat.
yeah maybe, I am just a little needy when it comes to friends and such
 

merithra

Merithra of the Dream
I never have fitted in really, except in groups of tolerant and or unusual nerdy or odd individuals. Where fitting in just means being your own weird self. That happened at secondary school after a while, and then in some of my varied jobs. I've done a lot of therapy over the years, more to understand myself than to fit in, but it was mostly useful.

Once I understood about autism I could see that a defining factor seems to be not noticing some aspects of communication, and I feel like despite the issues this can cause, it has allowed me to be less conventional and more open to ideas, to think outside the box more.

So I don't aspire to fit in, but I am lonely sometimes, especially in a workplace or environment that doesn't fit my quirks or is one size fits all in ways that exclude me. Hope you can find friends or environments that suit you better without you having to try so hard. You are fine as you are.
I understand completely
Thank you for your words
 

merithra

Merithra of the Dream
I'm cool with being a bit of an outcast, personally. Missing out is kind of my way of life.

I don't think you're stupid, though. Those types of things can, over time, ruin friendships - nobody likes to talk about that kind of stuff, but it's true. I just don't care if it does, because I don't really care whether I have friends or not, especially if it's over superficial junk.
thats valid
 

Gerald Wilgus

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Welcome! Please do not look for validation outside of yourself. That never ended well for me, and I ended up telling myself lies about me. Wanting a friendly relationship, like you, I had to change. I did, but that left PTSD in its wake and I deal with it yet.
To be the person who got the love of my spouse took hard work in liking myself and my interests.
 
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velociraptor

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
now I will suffer the consequences of my stupidity, as I should, I wanted to fit in and instead of opening healthy dialogue I made stupid decisions.
Well, no one is perfect. The important thing is you recognized a behaviour that you feel is detrimental, which is the first step in correcting it. That's actually progress so take the win. I'm not much of a gamer, but there are likely others here who would enjoy playing it with you. I suggest putting up a post to ask for gaming partners. Maybe you'll make some new friends.
 

Progster

Grown sideways to the sun
V.I.P Member
Some people just don't have the wiring needed to fit in and never will. and I also think that ones you pass a certain age and didn't manage to be "normal" and fit in you missed out on the boat.
I think there is definitely some truth in this. I'm a tutor and I've noticed this with my young students. One or two seemed a bit behind socially, not to make friends easily or fit in, have all-consuming interests - some ASD traits. Then they hit the age of 13-14, and it all seems to resolve, everything seems to connect and they catch up, they make lots of friends and no longer seem socially awkward or have the problems integrating that they once had. The way they talk changes, they just seem different. But I never did. I feel like I never developed and am about 12 socially, or younger, even. I only manage to get by because I developed coping strategies.
 
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Moogwizard

My Brain is Only a Receiver
V.I.P Member
Fitting in is not a natural ability for me . For a brief period in my teens , I tried . I have concluded 2 things from this

1. It takes so much energy and time Mentally

2. The results never made me feel any different

So I proceeded to what I am Natural at, fitting out , instead of in .
 

Moogwizard

My Brain is Only a Receiver
V.I.P Member
I think there is definitely some truth in this. I'm a tutor and I've noticed this with my young students. One or two seemed a bit behind socially, not to make friends easily or fit in, have all-consuming interests - some ASD traits. Then they hit the age of 13-14, and it all seems to resolve, everything seems to connect and they catch up, they make lots of friends and no longer seem socially awkward or have the problems integrating that they once had. The way they talk changes, they just seem different. But I never did. I feel like I never developed and am about 12 socially, or younger, even. I only manage to get by because I developed coping strategies.
I agree with this so much . Socially I have not changed from age 13 . I think that is the peak of my social abilities.
 

Luca

charm & chaos
V.I.P Member
I don’t care about fitting in. I’m an individual and I’m proud of that.

When I was a bit younger I felt like I was missing out by not being like everyone else, but then I realized that it was more fun to stick with my own interests and hobbies than follow trends or do whatever was popular at the time.

Trends will come and go, but our special interests are often forever. Life is too short to not be the authentic person you want to be.
 

Owliet

The Hidden One.
V.I.P Member
Does anybody else buy things just to feel like they fit in?
for example, my friends were playing a game and I am not particularly doing well right now financially, they were having a lot of fun with it so I decided to buy it (I don't get paid fora month btw), I bought the game, we had a lot of fun for like an hour but then when everyone logged off I saw no reason to play it.

I don't even like that genre of games, I am just desperate to fit in and I find it hard to make it known I have FOMO (fear of missing out) I find myself constantly making purchases on items of things other people like, even though I don't like them - I just want to fit in, yes, this is toxic but I can't control it, I have basically nothing at the moment because of my dumb desire to want to fit in.

now I will suffer the consequences of my stupidity, as I should, I wanted to fit in and instead of opening healthy dialogue I made stupid decisions. (I'm sorry, I'm not doing well, as you can tell)
I used to listen to mainstream music to fit in with people in school, hoping that they’ll be friends. Just meant that it opened me up to more bullying But I very much wanted to be included and fit in.

You dont have to worry about trying to join them to play a game, you cold also make recommendations for games that you already own to play with them. And if they don’t understand, then are they really friends?
 

Gerald Wilgus

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I don’t care about fitting in. I’m an individual and I’m proud of that.

When I was a bit younger I felt like I was missing out by not being like everyone else, but then I realized that it was more fun to stick with my own interests and hobbies than follow trends or do whatever was popular at the time.

Trends will come and go, but our special interests are often forever. Life is too short to not be the authentic person you want to be.
I was isolated for so long that I never followed the interests of cliques or what was popular too. That gave me breathing room to be me and, I think helped me with some competencies when I decided to be social.
 

Judge

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I never gave any thought to buying much of anything that would help me to "fit in".

Frankly I concluded long ago that I'm not likely to fit in with much of any group of people, no matter how much I wanted it or how much I tried. I used to frequently mask my traits and behaviors, even before I knew the what or whys of such things. But I did so not to fit in, but simply to avoid trouble in as much as possible.
 

Darkkin

Lioness of Spoons
V.I.P Member
I like people watching, but have never really understood the point of trying to fit in with people I didn't particularly care for. I've always gravitated toward books and pets, still do. I get something out of the silence and undemanding company.

99% of my core friend group is divergent, so molds, cliques, and trends really don't matter. We are a splendid group of weirdos comfortable with each other.
 

Mr. Stevens

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Does anybody else buy things just to feel like they fit in?
for example, my friends were playing a game and I am not particularly doing well right now financially, they were having a lot of fun with it so I decided to buy it (I don't get paid fora month btw), I bought the game, we had a lot of fun for like an hour but then when everyone logged off I saw no reason to play it.

I don't even like that genre of games, I am just desperate to fit in and I find it hard to make it known I have FOMO (fear of missing out) I find myself constantly making purchases on items of things other people like, even though I don't like them - I just want to fit in, yes, this is toxic but I can't control it, I have basically nothing at the moment because of my dumb desire to want to fit in.

now I will suffer the consequences of my stupidity, as I should, I wanted to fit in and instead of opening healthy dialogue I made stupid decisions. (I'm sorry, I'm not doing well, as you can tell)
That is tough. I'm sure we've all done something we regret for similar reasons.

Would it help to see yourself as wanting connection, instead of fitting in? Like, maybe you'd be happier finding a few friends who share more things with you. Obviously, different friends overlap with us to varying degrees, but maybe what's tough is your closest connections aren't that close. I don't know if that applies, but hopefully it helps.
 

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