finding ways to be alone?

[AwkwardSilence]

How do you get enough time for yourself if you live with someone? Wife and I are both retired, with limited need to leave home. Often when I plan an errand she invites herself along.

I told a friend that I need to join a club that has no members, so I can attend meetings somewhere and not have to deal with anyone.

I don't drink, so bars are out, and I don't spend much on restaurants. I've thought of the library, but that's still a public place.

I take walks with my dogs, about 2 hours/day, but I don't have the energy for much more.

 

[clg114]

My wife and I are also retired. I believe that the secret to our success is understanding. She has went to the trouble understand me and how I am different. She knows that I need alone time and respects that. Of course, that is to be expected when you are married to the worlds greatest wife.

 

[AwkwardSilence]

Could you say HOW your wife got to understand you? Just experience, or reading, counseling, etc?

 

[BraidedPony]

When i was married, Hubs had his own man cave. I set it up with room darkening curtains and a tv with satelite. He had a desk with his laptop, a sofa/recliner and a mini fridge!
He would come out for meals or if he wanted, i would serve him dinner at his desk.
This gave me the livingroom, bedroom, and kitchen to myself most of the time.

 

[PossumFan]

I bought a 1999 $500 travel trailer to get out of my parents' house and have independence. It's right outside their house, so if I ever need anything, they're right there.

 

[Bolletje]

Boyfriend and me have limited space, so we both wear headphones regularly. Also, we schedule alone time in our bedroom. Some days I hang out there by myself, some days he gets the room. Some days he sleeps on the couch to give me a night by myself. We’re very happy together because we don’t spend all our time together.

 

[Mia]

My husband and myself are both Aspies. We've worked over the years on our need to be alone. My husband is not a morning person, although I am. So, I manage to have every morning to myself to do the things I like.

Spouse has his own space. That's where he spends his evenings after dinner and a half hour tv program we watch together. I rarely go down there, except to remind him of an appointment he might have the next day. We have telephone intercoms if anything occurs that we need to discuss, for awhile we had walkie-talkies but they were too noisy with outside interference. Sometimes we email one another

We've retired in the last few years, but when we worked both of us arranged time to ourselves. It was a kind of schedule, half hour at dinner and on occasion watching a movie together. Out for an evening once in awhile, next few evenings our own interests. Weekends were errands and exercise, either together or on our own.

 

[Fino]

Communication! Does she shut you down when you bring this up?

 

[GadAbout]

Some great ideas above, and congrats to you, Awkward Silence, for so much walking with your dogs - good for both your health and theirs.

My husband and I both have our alone time. The area of most conflict is when I am watching the news or writing on my computer, and he tries to engage me in conversation. I can put a quick end to it, feeling only slightly guilty. But I'd prefer if he could just remember not to do that in the first place!

There's a lot of forgiveness in our household though, so it all works out.

Yes, communication is key.

 

[Tom]

 

[Misery]

Communication! Does she shut you down when you bring this up?

Aye, pretty much what I'm thinking.

If you havent tried just directly telling her you need alone time... that should be the first step. Along with an explanation, of course.


It's at least better than my way of doing things. I just throw a shoe or something if anyone gets too close.

 

[clg114]

Could you say HOW your wife got to understand you? Just experience, or reading, counseling, etc?

This kind of understanding does not come overnight. I was diagnosed when I was 62. We had been together for a very long time by then, so she was used to my weirdness. The diagnosis answered a lot of questions about me. We both found all of this very interesting and researched autism a lot. We also discuss autism a lot. So we learned together.

 

[Progster]

We both do different things in different rooms, but sometimes go out together. My partner goes out during the day, so I usually have the day to myself until the evening.

 

[AwkwardSilence]

I've tried telling her, but she doesn't seem to retain the information. Or she acts offended, like I'm insulting her specifically. The only success I've had recently is getting her to agree that it makes sense for me to work in my office with the door closed sometimes. So I plan to define "work" very broadly. Thinking, reading, web browsing, etc.

 

[Suzanne]

You could try asking ( and hope she answer in favour). Do you ever feel the need to be alone? If she was to say: no, I perfer to have your company, but since you are asking, do you feel the need to be alone? And then, you can say that in fact you do and hope she will give you breathing space. Otherwise, you are going to have to do what you are doing and that is not tell her things, so you can get alone time.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

It must be very boring to be cooped in the house all the time, so maybe that's why she wants to join you when you're going out. Like a date..

Other than communicating with her like other members said here, how about planning a date (if you haven't done so) - just going out together or doing something together, indoor/outdoor - at least once a week? Something simple is okay, I guess.

Then I think it'll be easier for both of you to response to each other's needs. Maybe she needs to have more loving activities with you, who knows. Just an opinion..

 

[Running Girl]

Fortunately, since my husband's also aspergers, we both understand each other's need for alone time. But not being mind readers, pretty much every night one or the other will say, "i need to do my own thing for a while." Or we ask, "Do you want to do your own thing now, or do you wanna watch Stranger Things" (or whatever). Normally there's a period of time where we do watch something on tv together, but the time we are in separate rooms is often a longer period of time. We have often thought how it would suck if one of us was much more socially interactive than the other though.

 

[Aspychata]

@Running Girl
That's great, just a straight foward question. l prefer my down time alone to recalibrate my brain and reset. But it made me feel great to read these responses. There is the physical aspect of space. l need my own tiny little space of me. I am comforted by my things. It is important that aspie couples tell each other, l need my space.

 

[AwkwardSilence]

In the last few days, I've suggested that the two of us do some simple things together that I'd normally do alone. Like errands, visiting the library, etc. The experiences have been pleasant enough, and I think they've bought me some alone-time credits.
She has also, after weeks of indecision, finally submitted an application for a volunteer job at her favorite library. That would be one or two half-days/week.

 

[Rectify]

So, I manage to have every morning to myself to do the things I like.

That's how it works here too. My child sleeps late - I have the entire morning which works really well for me, at least. I've noticed when I don't get that it can be hard.