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Finding friends and dating as an adult with aspegers

Cinco

Cinco

Well-Known Member
I'm a 26 year old man with aspergers, and lately I've started feeling a bit lonely. Anyone have advice on where and how I can meet people, preferably other with aspergers? All the "friends" I currently have I know through family members. If I didn't have my brothers and sisters I would probably have no kind of social circle.
I sent a message to my country's autism association a few days ago asking if they have any kind of meet ups, however, I have no received an answer from them as of yet

I have taken step to try and meet people and make friends, I'm active in a few sports clubs but I don't really have any kind of connection with the people there. I don't know why but I just can't seem to make friends or connections with anyone despite trying my hardest to fit in. It's weird because I see all the other get along just fine but nobody seems to show too much interest in me. I have profiles on a few penpal websites too but my luck there hasn't been good. I met a girl there but she lives in another country and I only talk to her every other day or so, I think I'd like to meet her in person but I don't really see that happening any time soon. I've also tried a lot of online dating in the past but with some luck but all the women I talked to either lived to far away or just didn't show any more interest after a few messages.

My options in real life dating is also limited as I don't live in a city, I live on the outskirts of a really small city and the closest big city is about 2 hours away.
 
I have previously told people that a good place to practice socializing and to develop friendships is in activity groups. But you say you are in sports clubs. Have you tried to position yourself as a good resource for activities? That will get you noticed.

For me, it was hiking, bicycling, canoeing, XC-skiing and fossil collecting. Not only did I participate, I also started leading trips and this gave me practice socializing. Then with a bit more confidence I started asking out women from work on some limited dates (but I was careful not to get into anything that would make things awkward for either of us). With all the practice I was finally ready for a relationship. Then I was lucky. I met my spouse on a Sierra Club trail maintenance project when I was given her name by the trip leader as a possible car pool partner since she was in Chicago and I was planning to do some fossil collecting in Illinois before the trip. I called her and shared tips for equipment and getting in shape over a couple of months before first meeting. Many adventures later we married a year to the day we met. (And, we are still hiking, canoeing/kayaking, skiing, snow-shoeing, and bicycling, together.)

From all of this we now have a dozen friends we share activities and socialize with.
 
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It's your lucky day ! Or should I say 2 years... a lot of places have started online groups especially since covid started

My first suggestion would be for https://www.Meetup.com lots of autism groups, special interest groups and more

https://www.aane.org/ an organization for finding people with special interests and more.

https://neurodivergent.eu/contact/autismeforeningen-i-norge

And check out autism society on Facebook and Twitter, those are all good places to start making friendships that can lead to more.
 
MY wife uses Face book, I won't. Zuckerberg is an ass, fellow Aspie or not. some of use are better at reading people then others. Part of the B.S. N T's generalize about us.
 
There's a range of issues that make social interaction harder for many of us, some issues appear to be in our neurology or wiring, some are more affected than others by those, but if you are aware of what these are for you you may be able to work around them to some degree.

For example, eye contact plays a big part in micro details of interactions that are socially driven, many of us seem not to be wired for it. I'm great at just passing through everywhere I go, I don't catch anyone's eye and just get on with what I am doing. It's how I am, and yet it means I make few if any connections.

Also, the micro details of how we process speech in real time affects social interaction. We may miss the point of what's been said and feel confused, even in minor interactions like buying a coffee.

If you are in a regular ongoing interest group with the same people and where you have joint activities in which you have to interact, that's giving you your best chance to become visible and gradually understood to an extent by others. Otherwise many of us tend to appear odd, aloof, dismissive arrogant, or withdrawn and disinterested in others. It's weird how many assumptions can be made on the basis of appearances, and where we are silent or miss cues, but that's what happens.

Try something that demands involvement with others. Like a language class or learning to play bridge or book group or drama group etc. Dancing. Team sports, or say, mixed doubles tennis, mixed outdoor bowls, etc.
 
Thinx said:
There's a range of issues that make social interaction harder for many of us, some issues appear to be in our neurology or wiring, some are more affected than others by those, but if you are aware of what these are for you you may be able to work around them to some degree.
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Exactly. When I tired of isolation I started reading self-help books to learn to like myself and see my interests as being a positive. Then I read about body language and social communication. I still have delays in processing things as I've mentioned before when last August at a get together when I was squeezing past a group of women and one caressed my upper arm. I didn't recognize the flirting until late. My loss.r
 
SimplyWandering said:
It's your lucky day ! Or should I say 2 years... a lot of places have started online groups especially since covid started

My first suggestion would be for https://www.Meetup.com lots of autism groups, special interest groups and more

https://www.aane.org/ an organization for finding people with special interests and more.

https://neurodivergent.eu/contact/autismeforeningen-i-norge

And check out autism society on Facebook and Twitter, those are all good places to start making friendships that can lead to more.
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Only thing i see on meetup is corporate stuff and lgbt meetups. Even tho i like computer science as a hobby, i am not interested in corporate meetup on microsoft products...
 
There are other people here who tried to meet woman at clubs/meetups and things like that but.. well you can read their stories on how effective it is. Also if they have group pictures i would count the male to female ratio before you go, you don't want to go to some sausage-fest (most of them are), book clubs might be an exception as it's really a girly thing, but if they are all married woman you want have much luck either.

You know the cold truth is that 50% HFA/aspergers man never even lose their virginity, the ones that do get married or have long term relationships are hard exceptions. Rn it's harder than it's ever been for man to get into relationships, and autism doesn't help. I think the percentage of successful relationships in asd1 man is about 10% if not less
 
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phantom said:
You know the cold truth is that 50% HFA/aspergers man never even lose their virginity, the ones that do get married or have long term relationships are hard exceptions. Rn it's harder than it's ever been for man to get into relationships, and autism doesn't help. I think the percentage of successful relationships in asd1 man is about 10% if not less
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Sad. At 27 I despaired at having that basic human need for intimacy met. Then, when I was open to others, I met my spouse. She was socially shy but enjoyed the outdoor activities that I did, came from similar socioeconomic conditions, was well educated, and thought I was interesting. Our marriage has required a bit of work, but she has helped me a lot and vice versa. She had great anxiety about entertaining new friends we made, and while I am not that social, I looked at it as a problem to solve. Now these friends enjoy visiting, especially for our cooking.

The thing I've learned about myself is that while I am socially inept, for nurturing relationships I am more NT than not. I think that helped me a lot.
 
Cinco said:
I'm a 26 year old man with aspergers, and lately I've started feeling a bit lonely. Anyone have advice on where and how I can meet people, preferably other with aspergers? All the "friends" I currently have I know through family members. If I didn't have my brothers and sisters I would probably have no kind of social circle.
I sent a message to my country's autism association a few days ago asking if they have any kind of meet ups, however, I have no received an answer from them as of yet

I have taken step to try and meet people and make friends, I'm active in a few sports clubs but I don't really have any kind of connection with the people there. I don't know why but I just can't seem to make friends or connections with anyone despite trying my hardest to fit in. It's weird because I see all the other get along just fine but nobody seems to show too much interest in me. I have profiles on a few penpal websites too but my luck there hasn't been good. I met a girl there but she lives in another country and I only talk to her every other day or so, I think I'd like to meet her in person but I don't really see that happening any time soon. I've also tried a lot of online dating in the past but with some luck but all the women I talked to either lived to far away or just didn't show any more interest after a few messages.

My options in real life dating is also limited as I don't live in a city, I live on the outskirts of a really small city and the closest big city is about 2 hours away.
Click to expand...

How've thing been going, meanwhile (since you started this thread)?
 
I think that it is, in general, a lot harder for many men, than women, but for women, it can be so dangerous, with the wrong man, so we have to be very selective. In my opinion, men benefit from focusing on building an interesting, fulfilling life for themselves, rather than focusing on pursuing women, that way, they make themselves more attractive and are more likely to find a woman who is into the things they are into. My first long term relationship, (with the father of my children) came about not because he had any attractive social skills (he didn't) but because I was interested in the things he was doing. He was a band leader and songwriter/ musician. I was his first groupie. He just did his thing and I followed him around like a puppy dog (I was a little, lost, 16 yr old), he didn't have to have good social skills to spark my interest, he just had to be "doing his thing" and that was very cool and interesting to me.
 
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My wife told me her former boyfriends, were losers not capable of making good fathers she saw the potential.
in me that she did not see in the others, found out later that the other women tenants also were interested.
 
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