Find it impossible to end relationship/stop dating someone due to fear of making wrong choice

[Steve B]

I have always found decisions impossible to make and ruminate over them for hours/days/weeks/months without making any progress. This really badly affects my dating life, which is already limited! When I have been on a few dates with someone and for a couple of short term relationships, I have left it until the other person eventually breaks up with me/loses interest in dating as I could never make the decision myself.

The other part of me that delays this is that I can't face the reaction when I say I don't think things will go any further. Anyone else find this is such a big issue for them and how they got over this? I know its not pleasant for anyone to do it, but I seem to almost find it impossible to end things myself when I am 90% convinced I do not want to take things further/carry on the relationship.

 

[Raggamuffin]

I think a lot of people get stuck in relationships a lot longer than they need to. After the initial shock, I felt relief when Kristy ended things with me 4 months back.

Ed

 

[Aspychata]

Sometimes just a friendship is all the person can offer, but the more l hang out, the more l want them. So l am learning to moderate my behavior and accept that l may have feelings but l need to just swallow my feelings and not bore the other person with that.

But l am on the end of my life, so dating really isn't the same as dating when l was younger. I ended things much faster in my 20's. If l didn't like where it was going, l left. The first guy l lived with proposed but l knew l was too young to get married.

 

[watersprite]

I know how you feel.

Often, reactions kind of suck and aren’t in our control. Not even our own.

After a few months, things will sort themselves out. That’s been my experience even though back in May I felt all cracked to pieces and horrendous, now I’m peaceful.

 

[Fino]

I have the same problem. I only ever managed to end a relationship once. All the other times I left it up to them.

 

[Aspychata]

I think a lot of people get stuck in relationships a lot longer than they need to. After the initial shock, I felt relief when Kristy ended things with me 4 months back.

Ed

I have heard it said the min you file for divorce, you are already a couple of years late.

 

[Thinx]

I was rather the opposite, as a younger person, I would tend to break up with people rather than hang on to something that wasn't working well enough. Even when it made me very sad to do so. I would instigate a discussion and try to put my views, but it usually ended in a split if I was at that point. Sometimes I had big regrets, but probably those endings were for the best.

 

[Martha Ferris]

Perhaps this will help. Relationships are based primarily on meeting each others needs and wants. It has little to do with love. Framing a relationship in pragmatic ways can help one gain clarity about them and to stop the guilt of breaking up. It becomes less about the people involved (no judgement no blame) but about the how and why it is not working. Needs and wants are not being met and cannot be met by one or both of those involved. It sets boundaries in what often is a complete mess that can last for years.

 

[Rasputin]

I have always found decisions impossible to make and ruminate over them for hours/days/weeks/months without making any progress. This really badly affects my dating life, which is already limited! When I have been on a few dates with someone and for a couple of short term relationships, I have left it until the other person eventually breaks up with me/loses interest in dating as I could never make the decision myself.

The other part of me that delays this is that I can't face the reaction when I say I don't think things will go any further. Anyone else find this is such a big issue for them and how they got over this? I know its not pleasant for anyone to do it, but I seem to almost find it impossible to end things myself when I am 90% convinced I do not want to take things further/carry on the relationship.

I had this same problem, and my first wife left while I was out of town on a business trip. I don’t think I am any better now 30 years later. My current marriage has lasted 29 years because most of our needs are being met, as we have accumulated some wealth and live comfortably without much stress. We have gone through some very stressful times, as our parents have passed, and we have both experienced career uncertainty. However, we worked together to get through the bad times. Life in general takes a toll on one emotionally and causes passion to fade. This is an example of what @Martha Ferris described above.

 

[Judge]

In the past I've posted that I really never had meltdowns as an adult. Only shutdowns. However in reading these responses reminded me that as an adult, perhaps the closest I've really come to a meltdown was when I broke up my relationships.

Probably not the best time to make any critical decision, but mea culpa. I did just that with some of my relationships.

Just one of so many things in hindsight I wish I'd done differently.

 

[Christian]

You must be very attractive if you can find a date at all. Having Asperger made me socially inept and all my attempt of relationship failed miserably, partially because I had a facial malformation that really didn't help matters, and even fixed, woman really are rarely interest in me, because they seem me as an alien, because my interest and my how I can explain it, emotional emptiness not catch their interest, human beings in general want people to say to them that they love them, but I trust more in actions than empty words, so I never, ever, ever, say this words, not even than my own family, I am unable to, if I had a relationship this would be the first thing that they would complain about, apart of my totally lack of physical gesture, I understand what physical intimacy is, with or without sex, but even then, from my point of view, even if that give them comfort, not be genuine for my part.

 

[Steve B]

Thanks for all the replies.

I think I struggle with decision making so much that I doubt my opinion all the time. I just don't know if I am being too picky or if I am making the right decision. And to reiterate, I don't have that many dates/much dating experience, but the experience I do have is always filled with anxiety about making the right decision!

 

[Christian]

Thanks for all the replies.

I think I struggle with decision making so much that I doubt my opinion all the time. I just don't know if I am being too picky or if I am making the right decision. And to reiterate, I don't have that many dates/much dating experience, but the experience I do have is always filled with anxiety about making the right decision!

Having anxiety and being obsessive over your choices come with the package of having autism or Asperger, when I become obsessive over a particular puzzle, I spend literal hours trying to solve it, even no sleeping at night, another curse of having Asperger, insomnia and depression, I was in a similar situation as your, but it was all in my head, I become obsessed to much over a girl, and I trough that I had feeling for her, but it the thing that I was obsessed with was the idea of her having feelings for me, when I realise that was all in my head, I feel really stupid, there was only a girl that seemed to have feeling for me, but have no sense of subtly or at least telling me first, and I really not think that she understand or still no understand what Asperger is, for much that she wanted, I could never say the words that she wanted to hear for me, even if I reciprocate her feelings, I must hurt her very much in the past, I have my own problems back then, bullying, my parents separating, of course, the Asperger, but even now, even knowing that I really must have hurt her feeling, I just still feel empty, no emotion come out from it.